One Year Ago Part Three

17 Dec

Last December was a very bad month for me. The narc was amping up his abuses because I finally had a handle on his tactics, a look behind his mask, and he was not happy at all.

November ended with a fight about moving some plywood, of all things. He got mad that I didn’t jump up from my desk where I was doing paying work to help him before he needed to ask. The argument went round and round until I just didn’t care any more and shut down, refusing to respond to him at all. He pretended to “make an effort to change” which I knew was just another tactic to bring me back in line.

Because of my wonderful readers and lots of internet research, by December I knew I was dealing with a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and that there was no cure, no hope, and no reason to say with the asshole. I started to turn his conversational beatings around on him, refusing to play his games. I admit I found it thrilling, like poking the tiger in the cage at the zoo. Now that I was no longer emotionally invested in the relationship, I didn’t care if I made him mad and said what I really felt with no regard to what he might think. It was Sofia Uncensored. He hated it. I reveled in his hate. His anger and switching tactics only fueled my own anger and determination to get the hell out.

When he could no longer move me to tears or talk me into submission he changed his approach: suddenly he was helpless, unable to keep his finances in order, broke, sick, depressed, unable to remember a host of little things from one day to the next. He became a toddler again and he expected me to pick up his slack and take care of all his needs.

I had money in my bank account and a plan for the next time he left town, but he seemed determined to not leave me alone. I tried my best to keep from rocking the boat while standing up for myself – not an easy task. I didn’t want him to kick me out before I was ready to go, but I had a backup plan just in case.

And then Christmas was upon us, and he did his usual gift thing. I bought him clothes, careful to choose exactly what he said he wanted. He took back some clothes that he had given to me and whined constantly about how he felt like he’d been taken advantage of all these years by “everyone,” including me and that was why he wasn’t where he wanted to be in his life and why he could not be happy and treat me well. He was laying the guilt on thick at every opportunity.

I was angry. So very angry. I was very impatiently waiting for him to go out of town again so I could put my escape plan into motion. I was keeping many secrets from him and I felt justified in doing so because of his lies and manipulations. I no longer loved him. I did hate him with a red hot fiery passion and I knew that hatred was the primary force keeping my head above water, paddling slowly forward, looking for an opening to get away.

In less than a month I would be free. That last month was the hardest to endure, but I made it and have been narc free for almost a year!

Thank you all for traveling along with me on this journey.


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43 responses to “One Year Ago Part Three

  1. Twindaddy

    December 17, 2013 at 2:08 pm

    And look at how awesome you’re doing now! Keep on truckin’, Sofia!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 17, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      Aw…thank you for your kind words, Twindaddy 🙂 I am definitely a different person now!

      • Twindaddy

        December 17, 2013 at 2:45 pm

        These things change us. I’m different because of what I’ve gone through, as well.

      • Sofia Leo

        December 17, 2013 at 2:55 pm

        Yes, you are 🙂

      • Twindaddy

        December 18, 2013 at 5:54 am

        But we’re better people because of all the bullshit we’ve endured, so yay!

      • Sofia Leo

        December 18, 2013 at 9:55 am

        Indeed, we are all Superior Beings…uh…better people 🙂

      • Twindaddy

        December 18, 2013 at 10:00 am

        I know!

  2. Annie Chace

    December 17, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Been free since August. Fully intending to enjoy this Christmas!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 17, 2013 at 2:41 pm

      As you should! Happy Holidays 🙂

  3. JackieP

    December 17, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    I remember way back then. To think it’s been a year all ready! Yea you! I love seeing you progress.

    • Sofia Leo

      December 17, 2013 at 2:42 pm

      2013 has flown by! Reading those old posts doesn’t even seem real anymore and for that I am grateful.

  4. Aussa Lorens

    December 17, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    It’s crazy to look back at where we’ve been a year ago… or at any point in the past. You’ve made great progress and it took a lot of bravery to get yourself out of there. 2014 will be even better, me thinks.

    • Sofia Leo

      December 17, 2013 at 2:55 pm

      Ah, but if I had only looked back, re-read my journal entries, I might not have wasted so many years on those assholes. They trained me to be concerned with today and with their needs, completely ignoring my gut, which was crying out that something was wrong. I was too busy to stop and listen and maybe save myself some grief. Never again! Oh, I’m not dwelling or wallowing, just reaffirming that life is so very much better now.

      • Aussa Lorens

        December 17, 2013 at 4:14 pm

        I have felt and thought the exact same thing :-/ Never going back!

      • Sofia Leo

        December 17, 2013 at 4:16 pm

        Raise a glass to never going back! 🙂

      • Aussa Lorens

        December 17, 2013 at 4:31 pm


  5. aislinmuirhead

    December 17, 2013 at 3:14 pm

    Thank you for sharing your journey. It is full of important lessons that I greatly appreciate. Celebrate your ‘anniversary’ in style! You deserve it- and all the happiness you make for yourself!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 17, 2013 at 3:35 pm

      The Real Anniversary comes next month and I’m open to suggestions as to what I should do to mark the date – January 20. Unfortunately it’s a work night, so getting bombed and dancing in my underwear isn’t really an option… 🙂

      • aislinmuirhead

        December 17, 2013 at 4:11 pm

        You can always get bombed and dance the night after… but rum over the holidays in general is always a solid option!

      • Sofia Leo

        December 17, 2013 at 4:14 pm

        LOL! That’s true! I could celebrate all weekend leading up to the anniversary, getting sober for work on Monday morning 🙂

  6. thelucening

    December 17, 2013 at 3:17 pm

    I can’t tell you how much I appreciate reading about your experiences. I have seen so many comparable elements with my own- and I so admire your strength and resilience. It’s been a bit longer since I escaped my particular situation, but some days I still resent the number of years I wasted. Not a positive emotion, but it helps knowing that I’m not alone. Thank you- and enjoy this happy milestone!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 17, 2013 at 3:52 pm

      I wasted 25 years (3 different Men with Issues) and I kick myself almost every day for the lost time. I coulda been someone! 🙂 It’s hard to look back and see the chances missed, the shit sandwiches I choked down, the concessions made, the crazy-making, etc. Looking back helps me keep moving forward. There’s no time for regret, just moving on!

  7. Kim13

    December 17, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    I need to read the other parts of this, as I find myself in a similar situation. I hope to find my way out too. I am so happy for you…and thanks for giving me hope. 🙂 Hugs

    • Sofia Leo

      December 17, 2013 at 3:54 pm

      There is always a way out! If you need anything, just drop me a note and I’ll do what I can. No one should have to live in the shadow of an abuser. In the meantime, the DV WordPress community is a rich resource that you should take advantage of – once you can name what you’re experiencing, you gain the emotional distance necessary to begin to break free.

      • Kim13

        December 17, 2013 at 3:58 pm

        Thanks Sofia..I just left you a message on your facebook page. sigh…What is the “DV” Wp community?

      • Sofia Leo

        December 17, 2013 at 4:02 pm

        DV = Domestic Violence. Way back when, I was shouting out into the blogging universe and came across the term “verbal abuse” and started tagging my posts with those words. Paula (of Paula’s Pontifications) found me and said the words that set off a light-bulb over my head. I’ll paraphrase here: “Your verbs can’t be abused, but your emotions can.” I followed her links and read her blog and finally admitted to myself that what I was experiencing was Domestic Violence. Really. For sure. Not even kidding. It was a profound moment for me, and knowing gave me strength to move out and move on.

      • Kim13

        December 17, 2013 at 4:08 pm

        My first marriage was extremely abusive; physically, emotionally, and sexually. This has been such “silent abuse” that it has taken me a long time to see it. No, that’s a lie. I saw it years ago…just kept “hoping it would change”…he is so passive aggressive/quiet..I just feel invisible. I’ve left him a few times already..ugh. I could go on forever talking about this.

      • Sofia Leo

        December 17, 2013 at 4:12 pm

        Yep – I’ve lived that life, too – ex#1 was physically and sexually abusive as well as stealing my money and anything that wasn’t nailed down. Ex#2 was emotionally and sexually abusive. The narc (never married, thank all that’s holy!) too emotional abuse to a new high, and yes, I knew things weren’t right very soon into the relationship, but yeah, I thought he would change because I would love him so much he would have to see the bright side of life and blah and blah and blah. It’s a trap, and I fell in with both feet, right down to the bottom, but I’m here to tell you that there is life away from these assholes. A damn good life, too 🙂

      • Kim13

        December 17, 2013 at 4:27 pm

        #2 was a short marriage, but so totally co-dependent. This is my third. “Third times the charm..” my ass!

      • Sofia Leo

        December 17, 2013 at 4:31 pm

        Third time was the charm for me – it confirmed that I am not wired for marriage or subjugating myself to another. It confirmed that I really like my own company, that I prefer to be in control of the thermostat, TV remote and all of the blankets on the bed. I will never go back to that life!

      • Kim13

        December 17, 2013 at 4:37 pm

        I can so relate! I haven’t shared a bed with him in years. I like my own space. Like I said, it’s more of a business arrangement at this point…until I can get my own income.

      • Sofia Leo

        December 17, 2013 at 8:19 pm

        I pray it’s soon, for your sake!

  8. behindthemaskofabuse

    December 17, 2013 at 4:20 pm

    You are one courageous, strong, talented and free lady! I couldn’t be happier for you!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 19, 2013 at 8:23 am

      Thank you! The support of my readers means so much to me!

  9. Expat

    December 18, 2013 at 4:29 am

    Yay for almost a year of being free! 😀
    I can’t wait until I reach this point. Granted I’ve been there, got free from a PA/Narc ex-husband, had my good times, now back in this mess, as you know. 😦 But still reading this reminds me that this situation isn’t forever and someday I’ll be writing about my one year anniversary of freedom! If anything I have a time limit that I must follow and be out of the crazy FIL’s house -by April/May at the very latest so that I can file my paperwork correctly to stay here.

    • Sofia Leo

      December 18, 2013 at 9:55 am

      I hope you’re able to make your goal before you go totally nutso! That man is a monster! Stay strong and keep your eyes on the finish line 🙂

  10. overitblogdotcom

    December 18, 2013 at 8:21 am

    Congrats. Your posts and support helped me to get out. Although it’s tough right now adjusting to being alone and having to make my own choices, I look forward to reading my posts this time next year and seeing how far I’ve come.
    Happy Anniversary! 🙂

    • Sofia Leo

      December 18, 2013 at 9:56 am

      Revel in the fact that all of your choices are now about YOU! Do what you want, go where you want, be who you ARE, knowing that you are now on the true path to happiness. Much luck to you!

  11. paulamorical

    December 18, 2013 at 9:00 am

    This time last year I was 4 months out of my abusive life and 7 months pregnant. To say I’ve also made progress over the last year is being mild. It sure isn’t easy, but it sure is INCREDIBLE to look back and see how far you’ve come, isn’t it?? I remember thinking I’d never quit crying. But now….I DANCE! 🙂

    • Sofia Leo

      December 18, 2013 at 9:57 am

      Yes, we can dance now 🙂 It’s wonderful, isn’t it? A hard journey, but worth every painful step.

  12. Awana

    December 18, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    …and have no guilt about being “selfish” or anything else. It is not frivolous to care about yourself. That’s just what society (and some families) will have a female think. They never tell men that!!!!! BE at peace. You will be a better person to other people. No wasted talent. I mean, look at Sofia–I hve her lined up for all kind of chores!!!!!!:)

    • Sofia Leo

      December 19, 2013 at 9:20 am

      I think, as women, we are taught that to “care” about ourselves is all about outward appearances – our feelings, dreams and hopes are not part of the package society wants to see. If we want to see change happen in our lifetime we have to nurture our inner selves, reject the current trends towards plastic exteriors and teach our daughters to love themselves before they love men, and our sons to respect women. We have a huge problem on our hands and I will be doing my part by not buying into the trends, doing what’s right for ME and trying to do good wherever I can. God, that sounds so pretentious! What I mean is, love myself and do no harm to others. Or something like that…

  13. Lynette d'Arty-Cross

    December 20, 2013 at 1:11 am

    Glad you’re out of there!


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