I am at the point now that I dread going home after work. I have no idea what fresh hell awaits me, but I know that I have to take it until my moving plans can be finalized. There is really no other way unless I just drop everything and leave with the clothes on my back. I’m not yet desperate enough to do that, but I admit that it sounds more appealing every day.
So. I arrive “home” and he’s sitting on the couch reading. He did not greet me, did not even look up. Fine. I walked right on by to put my bag away and right back by into the kitchen to put on the kettle. That prompted him to yell, “HI!” at me.
I sat down on the couch and asked him why I always had to be the first to greet him while he never greets me.
And we’re off.
I allow that I was already angry and hurt and ready to tear his throat out with my bare teeth before I even got into my car, and I only got angrier when I saw how the evening was scheduled to proceed.
Once again we had the “talk” where he tells me all the things that are wrong with our relationship and all the things that I need to “take responsibility for” and the things I have to agree to “work on” before we can “begin healing.”
And I lost control and started yelling. I did not accuse him of anything, I simply pointed out, again, what I see as the “issues” with our relationship –
“When you yell at me, it hurts my feelings and makes me angry and I can not complete the job we’re trying to “do together.”
“When you yell at me and make threatening gestures, stand over me, force me to stand in front of you like a child being punished, it makes me scared and angry and I can not continue the conversation.”
“When you behave in a threatening manner, it makes me panic and I freeze up and can not continue with the conversation or project.”
“You would not speak like that to a female co-worker. I’ve seen and heard to be respectful to people you don’t live with and I demand that same respect.”
“If you tell me to go fuck myself, the conversation is over.”
He made some flip comments about how I need to get over my issues and then he started lecturing about how I can’t seem to get a handle on this, that and the other.
I said (over and over, actually) “Why do you think we can’t work together?”
“Why do you think I don’t want to be involved with your project?”
“Why do you think that is?” every time he pointed out my reluctance to kiss his hairy ass.
As soon as the finger was pointed back at his behavior, he changed the subject. I pointed out that he changed the subject. “It’s all the same subject!” he yelled.
I shut down. He seethed. I didn’t care.
He said that we both need to accept blame for our problems and work towards solving them. I agreed, just to shut him up.
He went to bed early, saying his foot was hurting. I sat up reading until I was ready to go to bed. He started quietly sobbing, hoping for some compassion from me. I rolled over and went to sleep.
This morning he made a sexual overture. I did not respond. He snapped away from me and said, “are you saying no?”
Damn straight I’m saying no. And fuck you, too. And I wish you would just leave for three days and you would never see me again. And a bunch of other things that I probably shouldn’t repeat outside my head.
After I got up, he was all soft words, chit chat, non-threatening conversation until I had to go to work.
I know it’s all bullshit. I know that it will only last until I “give in” and he thinks things are fine between us, until he believes he has me back under his thumb and feeling like shit. Sex would put him back on top of the world, confirm that he’s the Top Dog, but this time I’m not going to suffer in silence, be his sperm receptacle, his 6-minute diversion.
It’s just him and his hand tonight!