Sofia’s Guide to Super Villainy

Once again The Terrible Hook has crashed through my Writer’s Block, this time with a post on how to become a Super Villain. He presupposes that some sort of “accident” has happened, leaving you with superpowers, but your natural penchant for evil leads you towards World Domination rather than doing Good Deeds. He lays out a good argument about the perils and trials of taking over the entire world, and whether or not it would be practical or desirable.

I would like to submit for your perusal, the idea that there are many Super Villains in this world today. I posit that something made them the way they are, but it was an accident of genetics or upbringing (the debate is ever hot over this issue) and that they are now looking around, deciding how to use their newly-discovered “gifts.” These Super Villains are, of course, the psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists already walking among us. Note: I’m using male pronouns solely for ease of typing. Any resemblance to someone you know is purely coincidental. Or is it?

One – Be careful what you wish for:

Who needs World Domination? It’s a fuckload of work and you’ll never keep all the moving parts oiled to your satisfaction. Dream smaller: maybe you take over one person’s life, which will include their entire family group, any offspring you might produce and all of their friends. As a bonus form of entertainment, be a dick at work and any place people gather; just because you can.

• Micro-manage every aspect of your victim’s life, ensuring that they do everything, up to and including breathing, at your whim and per your specifications.
• Make up an elaborate set of Rules they must follow and change them at least once a week up to several times a day.
• Insist that you need  your “freedom” to prevent them pestering you all day about where you are or what you are doing – it’s none of their damned business and it’s an invasion of your privacy.
• Spend every waking moment dreaming up elaborate “punishments” designed to break your victim’s spirit and dole them out with abandon once you’ve gotten them softened up to your Rule.
• Create situations that demand you “punish” your victim. Make them whimsical and arbitrary – that keeps your victim off balance, creating that delicious energy flow directed your way. Chastise your victim for “making” you punish them.
• Dole out tiny bits of “praise” (be sure that all “compliments” are backhanded to keep your victim constantly striving to please you) judiciously and watch as your victim drools and begs for crumbs of your “affection.”

Two – Money

There’s no need to make any more money than pleases you. If you like working, by all means continue to do so, but don’t neglect to crush your victim with unreasonable demands on their funds, time and resources, while denying them any of your hard earned cash – they don’t deserve it!

It’s especially delicious if you convince your victim that it’s their Duty to make money because you “can’t” for whatever reason, or that it’s your victim’s “turn” to work for you while you “retire.” After all, you fed them a huge pile of lies to make them believe you’ve “done so much” for them and it’s in your best interest to keep that illusion alive so you have time to deal with other business.

Three – Location, location, location

Where do you want to live? This should perhaps be the first decision you make – if you’re happy in an average neighborhood, your next move will be easy, but if you aspire to a mansion, you will have to choose your victim more carefully to meet your goal with the least amount of effort on your part.

The great thing about being you is that you blend right into any situation. You don’t wear a cape or hood, but look like a normal, sane person in public. Your victims never see you coming! They are so stoopid! Oh, sure, there are a few out there who can spot the evil that lives in your soul, but they almost never blow your cover or warn your potential victim – they don’t want to be the subject of a Smear Campaign or have to face your wrath. Don’t give them another thought unless they start to get squirrelly, and then a simple warning to your potential victim that “Suzy said some awful things about you, Sweetheart, I don’t think  you should talk to her any more…” and you’ll be in the clear!

Four – Good “Evil” help is hard to find

Actually, it’s not. You’re not wearing a cape or hood, remember? You’re smarter than everyone around you. You have powers of observation that they can never hope to have. You can instantly see who would be a likely victim, and who to avoid as being too much work. You have honed your interrogation skills for many years on classmates, siblings and other family members. You are in control at work (if you choose to work) and are the center of attention at any public function you deign to attend. The world is your oyster.

Who will you choose? That one over their looks sad. Go talk to her. Oh, her Mom just died. Perfect! Let’s get the questions started and see if you can pry open her defenses with your charming manner.

Once you’ve identified yourself as sympathetic, it’s a simple matter to pretend to be interested in her as you continue prying and prying until you know everything about her.

Then, start the wooing. Love bomb her into total submission. Overwhelm all of her senses while separating her from friends and family. Move to another city if you can – it makes controlling her easier.

Once she is firmly enamored, trapped by your sparkle, begin the devaluation. This is the best part! You built her up and now it’s time to start tearing her down, bit by bit until she hates herself so much she wants to die.

While this is going on, be sure to scout around for your next victim – the old one will start to look shabby around the edges; they do seem to wear out, don’t they? Have three or four on the go at the same time – variety is the spice of life, after all, and you crave spice as much as dogs like to lick their butts.

It might not be worthy of a comic book, but it will certainly have a lasting impact on your victim, whether you decide to keep her or move on to a younger, newer model.

Good luck and happy hunting!

 

Taking Suggestions

My well has run dry, folks. I am out of ideas about what to write here. Life is Good, no major crisis, so don’t worry on that account. I’m just having trouble with Writer’s Block, I think.

What would you like me to write about?

 

Another Anniversary

Sigh. Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of The Kid moving in with me. I smiled and wished him “Happy Anniversary!” Last night and he just gave a grunt. I know he’s not happy about the situation, but no one is going to come knocking on the door offering him wads of money for simply breathing, so he better get out there and find something before I do something drastic.

Mom and I were talking about The Kid the other night and agreed this situation is very much like my childhood – dad lived in his own little world (although not as shut off as The Kid) doing his hobbies, out in his room or shed, while Mom worked two jobs to make ends meet. You see, my dad couldn’t work just any job – he needed to be “inspired” and “fulfilled” and ordinary jobs just wouldn’t cut it for him.

I remember being angry about the situation as a teen – Mom would leave early for her day job and arrive home as my sister and I were coming home from school, then she would leave again for a night job several days a week. It would have been different if dad had done all the housework and been a real house-husband, but my sis and I did the chores while he did…nothing much.

He was also a passive-aggressive asshole who used the silent treatment constantly as punishment. My memories are a bit blurred, honestly, but I’m sure his personality influenced my attitude towards men in general and husbands in particular. Thank all that’s holy he and Mom are divorced – I don’t think I could speak to him without giving him an earful about what an asshole he was and I don’t even care who might hear me.

Wow. This is going off the rails.

I got a job as soon as the ink was dry on my work permit and I’ve worked at something constantly ever since. I resent supporting an able-bodied man who refuses to do whatever is necessary to support his family. Granted, The Kid doesn’t have any people to be responsible for, but he could collect enough cans and bottles each month to pay his cell phone bill at least!

He’s lazy, sloppy, and irresponsible. He was not raised this way and has never known his grandpa, yet here we are. His father didn’t work much, but he didn’t know him, either. Those two men are the only men in his family tree that did not work to support their families – a perfect Nature vs. Nurture argument, if one is so inclined, and I am 🙂

Anyway. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. I’m irritated by his constant presence in My Space. Towanda was supposed to be a Penis Free Zone. I was never going to smell someone else’s feet or cooking smells or B.O. While I still have ultimate control over the things that matter, I have no privacy or freedom. Sure, having a built-in dog-sitter is nice, but I can live without that just fine.

I ran an idea past Mom and I think she liked it: When the weather changes, The Kid will go to Grandma’s house to turn over her yard. She has Big Plans for some changes and they need a strong back and a shovel, both of which The Kid has – he was trained to use a shovel at a young age (WTF hasn’t he taken a job digging ditches or something, then? Oh, wait! That’s not “fulfilling” work!) so he will have lots of time to contemplate his next move while he moves dirt. Mom hates to paint, so that should be added to her list of things for him to do – inside and out, whatever she needs done. He also cleans but needs to be supervised so he doesn’t cut corners. I want her to use him like a rented mule! I just don’t have enough physical labor to keep him busy and exhausted.

Next, I think he should go stay with my sister for a week or two and deep clean and paint her house – she and her husband both work long hours and just don’t have time to do as much as they would like to. He’s a pretty great cook, so dinners should be included in his chores – they deserve to be able to relax in the evening.

My hope is that he would see the value in working and some of the work ethic of his family might rub off onto him and spur him into making a move towards an independent life. Sis lives in Portland, so he’d be back near his old turf where he might have better luck finding a job.

I dunno. I do know I’ve had enough. I can’t seem to motivate him and everyone says it would be cruel to just put him out on the street while the weather is so bad, so there he sits, on my couch, breathing my air, sucking the life right out of me.

I am SO DONE with this Mom Gig!

What would YOU do?