Category Archives: Anxiety

Seems all I do is bitch around here…

Life has been very busy around here of late, most of it going just slightly off center in the most irritating of ways – hanging the skirt on Towanda and discovering the sticky snaps don’t stick, losing the base of not one, but two dress forms that I needed to set up a display in the local Art Guild Shop, having the scheduled time for said display set up moved to a completely different day at the last minute, like I have all the time in the world to do this shit, The Kid still being unemployed and needing a haircut, just to name a few.

But this post isn’t about most of that. It’s about (again) assholes and petty thievery.

A week or so ago, The Kid and I were working on Towanda’s skirts (not yet aware of the snap problem) and I moved my bicycle from where it was chained (totally in the way and I wasn’t using it anyway) to laying under the trailer, mostly out of sight of casual passersby. All was well.

On Sunday afternoon, Yvonne and I were outside talking over her tomato plants when we observed a young woman with a baby stroller enter the park, phone in hand, looking at the screen and turning this way and that, almost like she was lost and looking at a map or something. We remarked upon it but soon went back to more important discussions* and forgot about her.

Sabu has been particularly growly in the evenings, for lack of a better term, waking and stalking about growling low in her throat and even barking on occasion. I put it down to her being cranky at not having her usual number of outings at the dog park and figured it was just her arch-nemisis, Scooter, out strutting around like he owns the place (in his mind, he does. They’re basically the same dog in two bodies) and told her to hush.

Last night after I’d gotten in bed I heard a sound like a door slamming. Sabu jumped up and barked a couple of times but we didn’t go outside. All was quiet after that and I thought no more about it.

This morning when I took Sabu out for her morning walk I noticed a piece of metal siding I’d stashed under the trailer lying in the grass. The siding had been under my bicycle. A closer look confirmed the bike is gone. The thief must have pulled the bike out, it got caught on the siding and the sound I heard last night was the siding crashing about as they made off with my bike.

Fuck. It was not an expensive bike, but it was mine and the thought of fucking tweakers making off with my stuff boils my blood! So far in the last three months or so a couple of bikes have gone missing in the park as well as two bike trailers. My guess is that the girl with the stroller was casing the park to report back to the thieves where the easy pickings were to be found. Yvonne said she’d seen her a few times, wandering around like she was looking for someone.

So now I’ve become a victim of theft. I am hopping mad. I do not own a gun, but I do have a high-powered taser and the desire to see just what it does to a human being. If Sabu gets growly again, well, we’re gonna hurry outside and have ourselves a little look-see. Pretty sure I won’t go to jail for tasering a would-be thief, but I’m willing to take the chance at this point.

Life is getting too irritating to bear right now, what with the Peri-menopausal rages, wildly irregular periods and now I think I’m having hot flashes during the day and I’m waking up at night because I’m too hot. Me! Too hot under two thin blankets in fucking October! If you knew me at all you would be picking your jaw up off the floor at that last sentence, I assure you. Cold in the morning, flashes of hot during the afternoon, cold in the evening, despite adding layers and the temp being in the mid-60’s, and waking up in the middle of the night to throw off the covers.

Fuck. Just fuck.

* Like whether Drug Dealing Dave is really dealing drugs (yup! I’d stake my reputation on it) or whether we should give him the benefit of the doubt (Yvonne’s idea – she thinks he’s getting a bad rap based on stories he’s told her that don’t come anywhere close to adding up.) He’s still in the park, despite the efforts of The Old Ladies to get him out. They’re calling the Sheriff regularly about the excessive traffic of his “friends” but Management (Ha! what a joke!) at the park remains convinced that he’s a Good Guy, but they are very likely customers in his meth trade…OMG! I am so furious over the whole situation, I can’t tell you! Meanwhile, the tweaker parades have stopped being so obvious but Drug Dealing Dave races into and out of the park multiple times each evening and Management will hear nothing about it. There is no other explanation for his activities or the traffic around his trailer. None. Not even in the wildest, kindest, most ignorant imaginings of a total moron.


Work Irritations

I’ve mentioned before that I have two jobs – my everyday-at-the-office job and an occasional-part-time-whenever job. Both involve drafting and I’m not complaining even though it sounds like maybe I am. I love both jobs, really I do, and I’m grateful to have them.

But. Spring is here and I always get cranky this time of year, impatient to Get On With Summer Already. The constant switch from warm & sunny to chilly & breezy means I never have on the right clothes and going out without a hat and getting rained on just buggers up my whole day. Being inside without even a window to gaze out of while the weather is lovely makes my left eye twitch.

So, I’m not the most patient person right now and I’m being forced to hold my tongue and be a Team Player. Awana just gasped in horror. That’s right, this Lone Wolf is having to slow down and work with others.

I don’t have anything against the men I work with – they’re generally a great bunch of guys, but their brains operate on another wavelength and some of them seem to think I don’t know what I’m doing, or at least that’s the way it comes across to me.

There’s this job I’ve been working on. It’s not a big deal, a small subdivision. Several people have been in the drawings, changing this, changing that, shifting things here and there and now the client has decided on a final design and it’s time to get the drawings ready for submittal. Naturally nothing lines up with anything else and it’s my job to go in there and delete all the Bad Cad the slackers put in. Okie-dokie! It’s what I do.

This job should be mine entirely but The Boss is feeling pressured and not sure it will be finished for submittal on Thursday. Today, as far as I can tell, is Tuesday. He put the redlines on my desk yesterday afternoon. It’s not a lot of work. Maybe five hours working at a moderate pace, at most.

48780457Yeah. Fun times. I know how to do my job. I’m very good at it, actually. I never blow a deadline. Ever. Now I’m stuck in second gear, waiting for someone else to do his part before I can do more of my part and the whole farce won’t be finished until after noon on Thursday because that’s how the other guy rolls.

I have nothing against my co-worker, but fuck, he’s slow and he can’t communicate well. He likes to be condescending and act surprised whenever I show I know what I’m doing. Grrrrr!

I resent The Boss thinking I need “help” with this one. I resent not being given full rein to design the storm and sewer lines – I may not have an engineering degree under my belt, but I do have a calculator and 25 fucking years experience. Shit flows downhill.* It’s not a complicated design.  I resent my coworker interrupting my blogging every twenty minutes to “keep [me] in the loop” about changes The Boss is making as he gets more information from The City.

Sigh. It’s shaping up to be a long week and I haven’t even started on the drafting for The Other Boss.

* Unless you pump it uphill, but that’s not relevant here.



Posted by on February 17, 2015 in Anxiety, Drafting, Rants


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Gone Knittin’

For all my brave talk here you might think I’m an outgoing, confident person, but the reality is that I am uncomfortable with groups of people I don’t know. I resent clique-y groups where they all stare and ask pointed questions and judge before they know the new person. I refuse to play political or one-up games and that makes me feel unwelcome in some gatherings.

Fiber people are generally very friendly and accepting, but there are exceptions and I have encountered a few women who I would cheerfully throttle just to get them to stop expounding on a subject it’s clear they know very little about, especially when they are insulting the very people they are expounding to. It’s a bit of a hot button for me so I try to keep my mouth shut.

So. The local fiber shop (Knitty Gritty, recently opened, located half a block from the office) started up a regular Wednesday night knitting circle last night. I mustered my courage and went, not knowing what to expect. Would this be a friendly group, or a well-established clique that does not welcome newcomers?

Thankfully it was the former and the seven of us had a great time.

Towanda is still in a state of mild uproar after the move (what can I say – I’ve been napping as Sabu and I adjust to the new schedule, not organizing as I should have been) and there was no new project waiting in its bag by the door so I purchased yarn and needles when I arrived at the shop. If you’re in the area and looking for bamboo knitting needles at a really great price, do stop by!

The owner of the shop raises alpaca, sheep and goats and there were bags and bags of the stuff sitting around. She sells it at a very good price as-is for spinning as well as plenty of finished yarn in all weights. That won’t mean much to most of you, but trust me, if you’re looking for alpaca and alpaca blends for knitting or spinning, she has just what you want.

Whew! I was prepared for disappointment if the group turned out to be closed and so relieved when they proved to be a tribe of my People. I was so energized by the meeting that I went home and did laundry and practiced a few fiddle tunes 🙂

Life is good!


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Is this really my life?

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments on my last post – you confirmed what I already knew and my decision has been made. But first, let me describe to you my Wednesday.

I got up, walked the dog and went to work. I was invited to join The Guys for lunch today – a “time to talk outside the office,” I was told. I accepted without a thought because my lunch time is my own and I won’t have to explain to anyone where/why/what was said. There is no Narc to report back to. I will not be grilled about it for hours later tonight and I can say whatever I want without first running it through the Narc Filter for approval.

After work I went over to a friend’s house where I shared a meal with her, her husband, three kids and one of their friends who was spending the night. We talked, we laughed, we played fiddles! At no time did I feel the need to censor myself (no cuss words while the kids were at table, but that goes without saying, right?) or embarrass myself backpedaling because the Narc would hear about something I said and chastise me later. I did not worry about the time or what I would have to do to “make it up to” the Narc when I got home. I felt at home and at ease. These people are easy to like, very casual and their home is open to everyone who stops by. I felt truly blessed to be a part of so simple a thing as an evening meal and some (not at all good) music. She’s learning the fiddle, I haven’t practiced in weeks, we don’t know any of the same songs, but we had fun and stopped before her husband’s ears started to bleed 🙂

Sabu and I headed back to Towanda where I returned a missed call to Awana. We talked and laughed for over an hour and it was wonderful! I didn’t have to lower my voice for fear the Narc was listening and would question me later. I did not censor myself in any way and it felt like a subversive act.

For those of you who have never been in an abusive relationship, this sounds crazy, right? I mean, I’m 44 years old and I can’t have dinner with friends? Can’t have a phone conversation without thinking about every word? Come on! This is 2013, not 1513, right?

Last year about this time I wrote a post about gifts and their consequences. I am very happy to say that only a year later my life is so much better. I’m having trouble believing it’s real.

Today I blocked the Narc from my e-mail account. I can’t block his calls to my cell phone because my carrier (StraightTalk) does not offer that service, so I set “his” ringtone to “none.” He is blocked from my FB account. I took him off the live feed of my other blogs (he was only on there because he insisted he had be) and will block his IP address ASAP. He does not know about this blog, nor do any people that we both know.

It means leaving the rabbits behind, and I truly regret that, but in the end it’s them or me. He will give them away (if he hasn’t already) or take care of them (he’s perfectly capable and it would give him something to bitch to other people about) and they will live out their lives just fine. I will not be paying his cell phone bill on Sunday – he can figure out that he’s out of time, or not, for himself. I already told him months ago that he is welcome to use, sell or give away any of the things I left behind. There are a few things I would have liked to save, but I’m over it now.

I am done. Really. Finally. I don’t owe him any explanations or discussion. I owe him nothing. He showed me just how evil a person can be and that’s a hard lesson I did not learn quickly. He gave me the impetus to start a journey of self discovery that I am truly relishing. His abuse got me off my ass and moving forward. Because he abused me in so many ways, my natural empathy has been re-awakened and I hope to be able to do some good in this world for those who suffer as I suffered. He taught me that every kind thing I did for him would be turned against me. He showed me how a person can lie and lie and lie and not feel a thing.

I have officially gone No Contact.

So, that’s that. I don’t know how much more I’ll write about him and our relationship here. When does it become “beating a dead horse?”


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Six Foot Town

It’s been a very busy day, week, April, and I couldn’t be happier, even if my left shoulder is screaming with tension and overuse.

Today was a constant stream of Things to Do and I’m not done yet, but I need a sanity break.

Met with Awana and Elise for breakfast at our favorite coffee house (they also carry a nice Darjeeling and brew it in pots, the proper way :-)) to decide the direction our little fiber enterprise will be going in over the Summer.

Then Awana and I were off to meet up with the LGD owners. They have a lovely 40 acres up in the hills and we got the Mini Tour (Sylvia was concerned that Jim was going to walk and talk our legs off) and left with more ideas.

Back to The Boss’ (D from here on out just to confuse you more. If I speak of he and his wife as a couple I’ll use D&D just to get that into the search engines :-)) house to check on Da Boyz and get to work.

The neighbor girl came over to take the pugs for a walk. Sabu about lost her mind when two of her herd (I had no idea she was so attached to the little shits) walked out the door with a couple of strangers. Curiouser and curiouser. That dog surprises me nearly every day.

The only table available for my keyboard is too high, the cause of tightness in my left shoulder, but it’s nothing the spa* won’t deal with later. I know! Hate me if you must – I have a rough life. Not.

The Other Boss sent over some drafting that he wants the first part of next week, so, yeah, feeling a bit overwhelmed. And then one of the other two people who work at The Shop called in sick. Sigh. Luckily Mario was willing to cover because I can’t leave the computer until this job is finished or I pass out, and the drafting better get done first or there will be some unhappy engineers over in The Valley.

Just before 5:00 I got the e-mail I was waiting for. The Boss formally offered me a job in The Valley in his office, picking up where we left off three years ago, full benefits after 90 days, matching contributions to the company retirement fund, earned vacation time from day one, etc. TOB is out of town until next week, so I won’t know what he thinks until then. Meeting 9:00 AM on Monday to pick up redlines and show off the New Me.

Feeling kinda Big & Rich tonight.

My brakes are on fire
From trying to slow down
I’m always burning my tires
And my horn is to loud
I catch people looking funny at me
When I step to the window and I toss a TV
Sometimes I get crazy and it makes a big scene
But when I hit 21 I wanna stand up and scream
I’m filthy rich with laughter, I’m too big for the room
You know from two stories up
A Zenith makes a big boom

It’s hard to get around in a six foot town
When you’re ten feet tall everything is so small
I’m always bumping my head
I’m way to long for the bed
It’s hard to get around
In a six foot town.

Some people live inside a tiny little box
They’re preoccupied about mismatching their socks
I never been one to worry about much
I just wanna laugh and love
I just wanna live it up

It’s hard to get around in a six foot town
When you’re ten feet tall everything is so small
I’m always bumping my head
I’m way to long for the bed
It’s hard to get around
In a six foot town.

Sometimes I stumble just because of my size
But hey y’all that’s alright
That’s the way God made me
I am what I am
And I can’t do nothing bout that

It’s hard to get around in a six foot town
When you’re ten feet tall everything is so small
I’m always bumping my head
I’m way to long for the bed
It’s hard to get around
In a six foot town

I am so lucky and blessed to have these opportunities and I wonder if they would ever have happened if I hadn’t left M. He surely would have sabotaged me while insisting that it was all my own fault when things went south. The Narc Crap to follow…

* You might not believe this, but even with the amount of crap I’ve brought over to D&D’s house, Towanda is still Home Sweet Home, my Bat Cave, the place that feels the most real to me and I can’t wait to get back to her full-time.


Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Anxiety, Digging Out, Friends, I totally Rock!


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My dog is on Prozac…

…so i don’t have to be. Does this look like a dog who needs “mood enhancers?”

SANY3179It all started Saturday afternoon. The sun was shining and there were a million people in the neighborhood of the shop for a special Murder Mystery day. It was standing room only for six hours and I was late getting out to give Sabu her mid-afternoon potty walk. Everything looked fine, she behaved as normal, but when I went out to leave for the day I saw that she had removed the fur from a quarter-sized area on her left hip. No hair and the skin was inflamed and she was in distress. Sigh.

Sabu has done this before, licked a hole in herself until the skin turned black and fell off in a huge nasty scab, so I braced myself for another episode of yuck. I watched her closely all evening to keep her from licking, but you know how sly dogs can be.

By Sunday morning, she was depressed and in obvious pain from her self-inflicted wound. Out on our morning walk we spied one of our neighbors and wandered over to say hey. Sabu did not want to be petted and as soon as Lara saw the hot spot and Sabu’s odd reaction to her she said, “I know just what this is – I had Ruger [her 12-year-old black labrador] in to the vet on Thursday for this same thing. It’s “large dog anxiety disorder.”

Well, huh. I had no idea it was a “thing” and that it had a name. She was nice enough to give me a few antibiotic pills to tide us over until I could get Sabu to the vet today, which worked a treat.

So off to the vet’s office we went this AM to get an In Person diagnosis and to get Sabu’s shots and license updated. Sabu was less than thrilled to be there and adamant that the vet tech Would.Not. be taking her temperature in any orifice, thankyouverymuch. Not even a muzzle would induce her to let anyone near her sore spot. Sigh.

When the vet came in and tried to get a closer look and Sabu resisted by jerking away, growling, howling, yipping, etc. She Was.Not.Going.To.Be.Examined.

It was at this point that the vet said, “Rather than overstimulate her further today, I’m going to recommend an antihistamine that has Mood Enhancing side effects because I believe she would benefit from it.” He then went on to explain that when I picked the prescription up at the pharmacy the word “Prozac” might be tossed around and I was not to get excited about it…At which point I started laughing.

“My dog is going to be on Prozac! That is hilarious! I’ll be blogging this for sure!”

Really, I have no problem with better living through chemistry and for those who have chemical imbalances that can be corrected with a pill, I say, “take the pill and be happy!” I just hadn’t considered it for my no-doubt-about-it neurotic dog.

While she was “in the back” getting her shots the vet techs shaved the area around the hot spot so they could see how bad it was and recommend treatment if needed. The dog howled the entire time like they were pulling out her toenails. I was so embarrassed. She is a Drama Queen for sure!

She’s had her first dose of Doggy Happy Pills (hidden inside a powdered sugar donut hole because I’m a cool Dog Mom that way) and is now sacked out like she hasn’t slept for a week. Admittedly she’s had a long day – a trip to the vet, a visit at the dog park with four other big dogs, a long walk on the beach and dinner half an hour late.

From PetcareRX (bold mine):

Doxepin, belonging to the group of tricyclic antidepressant drugs, is a psychotropic agent known for its anxiolytic and antidepressant properties and anticholinergic and sedative effects. Doxepin is recommended for the treatment of depression and/or anxiety. The medication is effective for the treatment of noise phobia, depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorders (OCD) in canines like acral lick dermatitis.The active ingredient, doxepin, is a strong antihistamine, effective against the dopamine receptors in the central nervous system. The analgesic action of the medicine is triggered by the sodium channel blocking activity of the active ingredient, Doxepin Hydrochloride.

The commonly observed side effects include low blood pressure, high blood pressure, drowsiness, rapid heart rate, dry mouth and constipation. In rare instances, doxepin turns urine blue-green in color.

Stay tuned for reports about Sabu’s urine color 🙂

The pharmacist gave me two full sheets, typed small, of precautions and advisories. I told her the medication was for my dog, but she gave them to me any way. The list of side effects for people is pretty disturbing, and if they affect my dog I’m not sure what I’ll do. I mean, if she jumps into the creek, is that a “suicidal action” or just a dog being a dog?

Maybe I’m over-thinking this one. She seems fine at the moment, resting quietly, staring off into space, so I have to assume the drugs are working as she has left the hot spot alone for several hours now.

Stay tuned for updates…


Posted by on March 11, 2013 in Anxiety, Dogs


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