Another Normal Outing

Yesterday M and I went on our annual Boating Event. It was pouring down rain (note to self: get some new rain gear so you stay dry in future) but not too cold or windy. There were about 10 others there, so it’s not like we were doing a “couples” thing. It went fine. No harsh words. No “corrections” about anything.

We ate at the burger place, chatting with the others. It was all quite normal, viewed from the outside. I left before he did (we took separate vehicles to deal with the boat) and headed home to see if I could get lucky with his passwords. No dice, but I did get an hour to myself to unwind.

It couldn’t just be a nice day, though. M behaved like a spoiled child after he got home, wanting pictures and video of the day so he could blog and getting frustrated with the software and blah, blah, blah. What he really wanted was for me to stand over his shoulder and walk him through some stuff because his eyes were sore and he “could hardly read the screen.” He got short with me and my “distractions” (playing a YouTube video) and had to toss around some harsh words, but I ignored him and walked away each time he started in on me.

His eyes being tired didn’t stop him from typing madly for half an hour after I went to bed. Asshole.

Any advice about a key logging program? Still haven’t cracked his passwords. I wouldn’t care except that I don’t want him making plans to kick me out before I’m ready to go…

 

Hound Dog

Ain’t it the truth?

 

From the Outside Looking In

M and I traveled two hours by car yesterday to meet some new friends. It was an eye-opening experience for me, but not in the way you might imagine.

M has been in contact with L for a few weeks. They share an interest in boats and other things, as well as being asshole pedants about the English language. I think that M has regarded it as a bit of a challenge to word his e-mails so precisely that L cannot correct him for either word use or meaning. It’s a sick game, IMO, but one they both seem to enjoy and if it keeps his focus on someone else I’m in favor.

L’s wife, P, is learning to play the violin, so you know I wanted to go just to talk to her and see her fiddle, which she bought from a nearby luthier that I admire. Turned out that her fiddle was not made by the luthier, but it’s still a nice instrument.

Anyway. The ride over was fine. I even got to play my MP3 player in the car with no objections to my musical selections.*

We chatted, looked at boats and other Cool Stuff** P showed me her violin and then set about getting lunch ready. Meanwhile, L was talking a mile a minute, like he had an agenda and had to cover every subject on the schedule before we had to leave.*** He was very high energy, but with a hard edge, if that makes sense. He talked continuously, correcting language, changing the subject, leading the conversation, it was strange. At first I put it off as nervousness at meeting new people and having them in his home, but after awhile it began to take on a sinister air.

As I watched him, I began to watch her. I generally don’t talk much when The Boys are Talking Boats, so M did not notice. P was very precise in everything she did, preparing a lovely stew and bread, tea and pie for dessert. She was very deferential towards L, which I hadn’t noticed until I started to look for it. It was obvious that she was as bored by the conversation as I was and her attention began to wander from L. And then she committed the sin of saying something quietly to me while he was talking. She did not speak loudly, but he had been watching her to make sure of something, I don’t know what.

He actually corrected her! He said, “P, I’m talking here. I don’t know if you are interested, but I’m talking here…” With a look that could only mean one thing.

Huh. That raised my antennae right up! His tone was condescending with a hint of nasty. M has never corrected me like that in front of people (he always waits until we are alone so he doesn’t have any witnesses) and the fact that L did (not once, but twice) is a huge Red Flag now that I’m aware of what forms domestic abuse can take.

I got pissed. I stood up from the table. P and I left the room under a tiny pretext. We had a lovely conversation about music, but the whole time I could feel how much that asshole has been pushing her into herself. She has no confidence beyond what he approves. She used to be a belly dancer, and when she talks about it her eyes shine, but it’s clear that he doesn’t approve and she has given it up. It’s strange – her FB page is all about feminist subjects and the iconography in “her” room presents a very different picture than she herself projects.****

It’s pretty clear that L is a Narc – he never stopped talking about himself and all the stuff that’s stacked up in his brain (and in storage 🙂

I have no idea what M was hoping to gain from this trip, but I came away with an unusual guitar, a weaving loom (only because I recognized what it was, high up on a shelf in the shed and they know nothing about it (it was an estate sale bargain that L could not pass up) – a test that I obviously passed 🙂 and a lovely little writing desk. They are going to deliver the items when they come to look at M’s boats and Cool Stuff. I did not ask for anything, and it might be a ploy by L to make himself look generous in front of M (whose nose is quite out of joint about it) but I don’t care.

I’ve planned lunch for whenever they come, as well as a way to separate P from her Narc. I plan to reach out to her in some way, something I feel strong enough to do at this point.

True, I am not out of my situation yet, but I’m on my way and my attitude has changed so much for the better that I want to “give back” in some way, even if it’s only to be a sympathetic ear to someone who needs one. There’s strength in numbers, after all, as you have proven to me with your comments and e-mails. I thank all of you for giving me the strength to see a way out, to recognize my own situation when I see it in someone else’s eyes and for the courage to do something instead of sitting silently by watching a woman writhe in (psychic) pain.

* Which were carefully chosen so as not to piss him off or bore him. It was a “test” that I managed to pass. Why play these games? I dunno, really.

** It’s pretty clear that L is a hoarder. Not a hoarder of ordinary stuff like newspapers and such, but a hoarder of Cool Stuff like unusual guitars and other musical instruments and odd mechanical things that should be in museums. He loves a bargain and claims to have four (!!!) storage units loaded to the doors as well as 21 acres of property with a gigantic 40 x 60 foot metal building full of stuff in it. There were brand new tractors and lawn mowers as well as a really expensive aluminum boat (all brand new) on the property. Boggles the mind!

*** Wednesday evenings have been set aside for me to go knitting. It was as struggle to get M to agree and I have been a total Nazi with my insistence that I WILL be going out and he is On His Own for dinner. No arguments and so far is has worked out fine. I was a little worried that this trip was a trap, that we would not be back in time for me to meet my friends and he would embarrass me in some way. Turns out I was wrong. This time.

**** Makes me wonder if others see me the same way – someone who was once passionate about something but who is now a gray blob. I think those who look can sense that I am a shadow of myself, but most people don’t see what they don’t want to see.

 

Undernourished

The past week has been almost “normal.” Normal for people who actually care about each other. No arguments, no sniping, none of the usual Narc shit that happens every day. Of course I’m suspicious and not letting my guard down. I no more believe that he’s changed than I believe I can fly.

Then, last night, M said, “I am undernourished. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually.”

This declaration was supposed to cause me to fall all over myself trying to soothe his poor, frayed nerves, but I said nothing. Didn’t even look at him.

Has he figured out that I just don’t care? He has discovered that his Narc Supply is running low. He tried his best to start something last night, but I ignored him and read a book in another room.

 

Burgers

Yep, burgers and whether or not to make them for dinner – the latest example of how selfish I am.

I’ve been doing pretty much all of the grocery shopping and cooking for the last three years. M said that he had lost his enthusiasm for cooking and was happy to let me take over.*

On Tuesday evening I asked him which of two meals he would prefer, as I was undecided. “A big, juicy burger!” was his reply. Needless to say, burgers was not even anywhere near the menu and I told him so. He refused to choose between the two dishes that we actually had ingredients for, leaving me to choose. You know I will always choose the wrong dish. Every. Damned. Time.

I made chili verde and a green salad. Pretty good meal, fairly healthy, and I like it a lot. Fuck him if he won’t express his opinion when asked.

Fast forward to Thursday morning. We’re laying in bed, I’m telling him that I will stop at the grocery store for burger supplies on my way home, and all hell broke loose.

Turns out he changed his mind about the burgers. You see, he’s trying to convince the world that he has some “serious health issues” where (I believe) none exist. He has been visiting doctors for some months now, assessing the general state of his health. At his last appointment, nothing was found that was negative, so the doc said that he could stand to lower his bad cholesterol, although it is only on the higher end of the “normal” range and he has no other indicators. He believes that if a doctor bothers to mention something, you should take it to heart and do anything you can to change the situation on your own before taking medication is necessary. Bear in mind that I do not go to the doctor with him, so I only hear what he wants to share with me.

Because of the warped way his mind works, he decided that this would be a good time to accuse me of trying to kill him with food – over his protests! He has been begging me to change the way I eat since we met and I only resent his good advice. He refuses to eat my unhealthy food – didn’t I listen when he told me what the doctor said? How can I be so selfish? How can I care so little for his health? My own health? The recommendations of a professional?

You get the picture. I left late for work, no food, no tea, in tears. Again.

By evening he had done an about face, claiming that he doesn’t want to fight with me, cares for me So Much, only wants what is best for us and our relationship, blah, blah, blah. He was full of menu suggestions (that I have been asking for, repeatedly, for years) and advice, for once friendly with no traces of sarcasm or condescension.

Whatever. These about-faces are just exhausting.

I know! I don’t have to put up with this shit, but my money is not available quite yet – waiting on news from the financial planner before I can do much in the way of moving forward. For now I wait, try to stay sane and not let my murderous thoughts take physical form…

* Not really. My Taking Over is a frequent topic of “discussion.” Not that he really wants to prepare meals, but it’s a good chance to point out how selfish I am.

 

That was…Interesting

I stuck to my guns yesterday – no b-day greeting, no gift, no acknowledgement in any way that it was M’s Special Day.

I left for work and he went to the next town over to help a friend move a boat. While there he invited said friend and others over to his boat for a little celebratory b-day drink. He called me at 7:35 to let me know he was on his way home. He was slurring his words and I asked if he was okay to drive.* He said of course, “I can remember what it’s like to drive sober, so I just have to do what I know how to do,” which I’ve heard before. I’ll probably go to hell for thinking it, but my very first thought was, “if he wraps that truck around a bridge abutment my problems will be over…”** Just don’t let him take out anyone else…***

Of course he brought up my “forgetting” his Special Day. I asked him if he remembered my last b-day, which of course he did not. The next two hours traveled along our usual track – I am a selfish, self-centered bitch who obviously “did something” to cause his harsh words on my last b-day, but since I couldn’t remember exactly what I had done, I had no right to be angry 6 months later. I am a vengeful bitch for “seeking revenge” and hurting him this way. I got what I deserved. He is the injured party, blah, blah, blah. If I would be nicer to him, he would be nicer to me, I have to give before I get anything, and on and on. He has only ever acted in my best interests, unselfishly, totally giving in to me, letting me take the lead, blah, blah.

I finally said that I understand perfectly that my behavior has landed us here****. Big nods of his head as if I’m saying what he believes to be true. I said that I had made mistakes and that I truly regret them now.

I said that I think he likes the idea of me, but has no interest or liking for the person that I actually am, and that is not Love. He insists that I accept him just as he is, but I don’t get the same consideration or respect. I said that he wouldn’t speak to another woman the way he speaks to me – he would never talk to a female friend or co-worker the way he speaks to me, and that I find that significant and telling.

And then I said this – “The only solution here is for me to move out so that you can sell this house and go live your Dream.”

Whoa! He did such a quick about-face that his head almost snapped off! It was something to see.

All of a sudden it’s his aggressive behavior (that he just can’t control, sob, sob) that has damaged our relationship. He knows that he’s over the top sometimes (but isn’t that in my “best interest?” – which conversation were we having again?) and needs me to be understanding. I’ve been so patient and loving to him, so tolerant, so willing to love him in spite of his faults and now I just want to chuck it all out the window?

And the next second he was back to pointing out my faults and demanding that I “take responsibility” for my part in the breakdown of our relationship. And then back to begging for mercy. Then pissed off and making up the futon couch in the back room while yelling at me that he’s “being kicked out of my own home for the THIRD time” since we’ve been together.

It was back and forth until almost 2:00 AM. Fun times!

This morning he crawled into the bedroom and said that he finally had some clarity about “our situation.” Seems that when I say something that he doesn’t agree with, he gets angry and aggressive and has to “go to war” over the subject and his views – he just can’t help it. (Ya think?) But now he recognizes the pattern and wants to try to change. He is ashamed of how he treats me and how he talks to me. I am his All, his Life, and if I left him he would be devastated.

He can’t afford to keep the house if I leave and take my job with me. The house won’t sell in the current market, at least not this Winter, so he needs me to keep things afloat. He is willing to live on his boat if I feel we are Over and I can rent the house from him, or buy it on contract if I wish. He would be very unhappy if he knew I took “something substandard because that’s all [I] could afford.” He would, of course, still need access to the house until he could “clean up [his] mess.”

Seems that I have his attention. Now what?

* I had no intention of going to pick him up – I was going to suggest he sleep on the boat – that’s his Dream, after all, right?

** By the time, “shit! I could just call him in as a drunk driver and that would be something he wouldn’t soon forget!” ran through my mind he was almost home. That won’t happen again.

*** I have a real problem with people who drive while impaired. I don’t drive after even one drink and I don’t ride with anyone who has been drinking. I think it’s an evil thing to do and there is no way I will ever change my mind about it. Aggressive, drunk men are also a trigger for me, so even before he arrived home I was very nervous and apprehensive.

**** If I hadn’t been such a doormat in the first place I would have dumped him four months into our relationship and had a torrid affair with a guy at work who made it very clear that people who have expectations about how others should feel are not good for relationships. He was hot, too. Really hot. But I said no. Idiot!

 

Tomorrow is the Big Day!

M’s b-day, that is. The day I make a very radical statement. There is no gift for M. There is no card for M. There will be no special meal for M. I won’t even acknowledge the date until he pushes the issue. At that time I will ask him if he remembers what he gave to me on my last b-day. At his expected blank look, I will tell him exactly what transpired on that day six months ago. I will then say, “it hurts, don’t it?” and walk away.

I will be strong no matter what happens.

Oh, as an extra, added bonus to the story of yesterday, M informed me that he has put His Dream on hold for 30 years because the women in his life wanted something else. You see, he has wanted nothing more than to live on a boat these last 30 years, but the women he “loved” insisted that they must have a house to live in. All of the houses he has lived in since making his life-altering philosophy shift has been an albatross around his neck. My question is, “why didn’t you attach yourself to a woman who wanted to live on a boat?” But of course he has no answer to that.

 

The Aftermath

The Trip went just fine. I conversed with various people, made sure to be one step ahead of M with unloading and loading the boat, was on my best behavior. He was on his best behavior, too. It was almost like we were Normal People, having a long weekend vacation under blue skies with friends.

The Ride Home (you know what I mean if you’ve ever been here) was going just fine for the first five hours. I was attentive, played his favorite music, chatted, did everything I am supposed to do on these trips. Nervous, of course, waiting for the explosion that I knew would come.

On good days he has been asking me to help him absorb a bit of my philosophy, just little things that will help him to be less stressed. He doesn’t mean it, but I took him at his word and have been pointing out that he could take a more moderate stance on certain things that make him yell and act crazy aggressive. One of those things is other people on the freeway. Oh, yes, he is a Road Rage guy. Nothing too dangerous, but plenty of shouted invectives and tossing “the bird” around at anyone who he thinks has done him wrong.

So. About three hours from home, a truck pulling a trailer loaded with firewood merged onto the freeway in front of us. Said truck merged respectfully and joined the flow of traffic seamlessly. M started in about how that trailer was a hazard, it was overloaded, not properly maintained, and would likely kill us all with a dropped load any minute. Wasn’t I glad he had spotted the danger? Wasn’t I relieved that he was prepared for any eventuality and could steer us from danger?

Like an idiot I posited that there could be another point of view. What if the driver of the truck properly maintained his trailer? What if it was perfectly safe? What if the driver was careful and competent? Maybe the driver was just like him, taking proper care of his equipment, driving prudently, aware that the trailer might be on the edge of its capacity and therefore being careful? Why did he always have to be pissed off about the accident that never happens? Giving the loaded trailer a bit of extra room was a good idea, but getting worked up and assuming an accident would be happening in the next few seconds was perhaps not the best way to handle the situation.

Hoo-boy! That earned me a three hour lecture about how I have absolutely no authority to make any assumptions about that trailer, or any other trailer, because I have no experience pulling a trailer, and even if I did, he has much more experience (having been a Professional Driver) than I will ever have and I should just quit criticizing him about things that he knows better. And on and on.

Fun times!

But it didn’t end there! Oh, no, I was treated to more of the same after we got home. He wanted to know why I stopped talking, why I was so upset when he is the injured party, why every conversation we have ends up “this way.”

Because I no longer care about hurting his feelings, I proceeded to tell him exactly why I was upset. He blew me off and we both went to bed angry.

Yesterday it was five hours of the same. I kept repeating (when he let me get a word in edgewise) that my objection was not to his driving (or his concerns about other motorists) but the way he discounted my opinion. He repeated that I was picking on him and that my opinion was not valid and I would never convince him otherwise, with a very lengthy diatribe about how he was right with every repetition. I repeated that I am an intelligent adult who is entitled to have opinions and have those opinions respected, even if he didn’t agree with them. He repeated that my opinion was not valid and he would not accept it. I asked if he was only able to accept the opinions of others if they were “valid” in his eyes. Turns out the answer is YES.

It all ended (temporarily I’m sure – the day is still young and he’s away from the house likely doing some Deep Thinking while working on a boat) with me being the reason his Life Dream is dead and how it’s just so hard to give all that up and he’s hurt and in pain and lonely and I take his attitude, online “pen pals,” and grouchy-ness too serious and the things that he thinks are Really Important way too casually. If I want him to be sweet and loving, I have to be sweet and loving first – it’s my fault if I don’t feel fulfilled in our relationship.

As always, I am the Bad Guy for “asking [him] to be a different person,” which I keep countering with “I just want you to be nice to me,” which he claims to not understand (I’m being “too vague”) or be inclined to do since I am the one who is “always criticizing” him and his Core Principles. He refuses to believe that other people have Core Principles that are just as important to them and deserve respect.

Crazy-making in the extreme.

I’m uploading audio and will add it here when I can, consequences be damned.