Monthly Archives: April 2013

Another Anniversary

Tomorrow marks our 12th anniversary. It’s not the actual date, but the date that M insisted he wanted to use. Typical Narc control behavior.

He made a big stink about me being busy house sitting on this day, saying that we should be spending it naked and healing our relationship. I told him that I had pug-faced dogs depending on me and couldn’t change my plans. Poor, poor, pitiful him!

He has always made a big deal about these days, but only after he makes me feel like shit for not doing what he expected of me to celebrate. Nothing I ever did was good enough and after a few years I gave  up. The last two years slid by with no action by me and he didn’t even remember until a few days later, so it’s not like he was pinning all his hopes on the actual day.

Just one more way for him to show his “superiority” and knock me down. I am so done with that bullshit. Can’t even muster up the outrage that this post deserves. There’s just too much Happy ’round here 🙂

I plan to spend this Special Day drafting (provided the whole Key Code debacle gets solved) earning more money than he would ever be able to earn in one day. Afterwards I plan on meeting the ladies for knitting, followed by a rum & coke and a soak in the spa.

Today was not as productive in the drafting department as I was expecting it to be. In fact, no drafting was done at all as I waited for something to happen with the Key Code so I could open the program. Luckily this particular assignment is mostly about labeling and I can do that in my sleep.

Every morning about 10:00 Da Boyz expect to be locked into their kennel for their morning nap. I gather that D&D are out of the house by then and Da Boyz are sleepy. If I don’t leave there are wry looks and murmuring as they pace back and forth.

Today Sabu and I headed out to Towanda, huge desktop computer and other stuff loaded into the car for the beginning of the move home. The neighbor (he of the free WiFi and awning advice) was out with his two Boston terriers and for the first time I let Sabu get right up in their bidness with no fear that she would bite them in half, no matter what they did. This two weeks of training with Da Boyz has done her (and me) a world of good in the Doggy Socialization department.

Royce and I chatted, the dogs sniffed and then we went inside. Towanda is soooo my Home. Sure, she’s small, but all of my favorite things are there and she smells right, if you know what I mean. Also, there are no pug-faced dogs snuffling about and getting into things.

Got the computer hooked back up and confirmed everything was working, then looked around wondering what to do next. A nap seemed like a good idea, but I made lunch and watched TV for awhile instead. D&D have satellite TV and they record stuff, which you have to watch while it records, so I haven’t been able to see anything interesting for days. Yeah, that couch is where my butt belongs 🙂

Finally got an email saying what to try next on the AutoCAD front so had to say goodbye to Towanda and head back to the Pug-faced Posse. Didn’t work. So I took a nap.

Da Boyz woke me up just before 7:00 demanding dinner. I took them all outside to pee first, and Sabu took the opportunity to show them how we play at the dog park. She picked up a squeaky elephant toy that she’s been trying to destroy since we got here and started running circles around the little guys. Around, and around, and around.

Bailey half-heartedly chased after her a few steps, but he has no hope of keeping up and tonight she was willing to bowl them over with her exuberance. They were soon gathered around my feet making squealing sounds of horror. I hope the neighbors didn’t hear – it sounded like someone was being disemboweled.

And here I am. Shall I put another coat of varnish on the tables you know nothing about yet? Shall I do laundry? Already ate the ice cream, so that’s out. Soak in the spa? Or have another cup of tea and watch Storage Wars?

Yeah, that’ll do…


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The Road Trip

Oh, man, it’s been a long day!

Made it over to The Valley in time for the meeting (after a stop at Winco to pick up supplies for the Sweet Shop – I always combine my driving trips :-)) which lasted longer than usual with The Boss.

Found out that we have an AutoCAD compatibility problem – I have an older version (not that old, but AutoDesk put up a Do Not Cross Until You Upgrade barrier) on my desktop  computer that won’t enable me to do the work. A few minutes of trying to find a solution without re-doing anything led TB to give me a sooper-dooper souped-up laptop to take home! Score! It also opens some new portability options and I have permission from D to work on the drafting at the Shop if it’s slow, so long as customers come first. Double score!!

Had to fuss around with the darned thing to get it online and the anti-virus up and running, but all systems are go.

Except for the one that I really need – seems the program is in “trial” mode and wants a special code or $6825 to load my drawings. Le sigh. Blasted off an email to get that corrected and will try again tomorrow.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Came sliding back into town 1/2 hour late, forgot the inventory sheets I needed to take to the Shop, ran back out to D’s, and opened late. Damn! If it hadn’t been for that slow-moving car on the highway, I would have made it.

Errands and more errands, but everything is done, the pug-faced posse and their fearless (and shedding terribly) leader are laying around in various poses awaiting the next adventure. If I can get the laptop going as it should I can start moving out of D&D’s house and back into Towanda.

I wonder how well the pug-faced posse would travel…


Posted by on April 29, 2013 in Digging Out, Drafting, I totally Rock!



Sunday Night Crazy

We’ve invented a new game, the Pug Posse, their Crazy Leader and I. Racing around the house, sliding on the hardwood floors in my wool (natch) socks, singing, “Come! Follow me, my evil minions!” The dogs trailing behind in a line: Sabu, Bailey, Conner, Mason, all panting heavily.

Gotta do something to wear the little shits out. Sabu and I need to get up at o’-dark-thirty tomorrow for The Meeting with The Boss, which will cement the direction the rest of my life (in the near future, at least) will travel.

Shit. Just spilled tea on the tablecloth. I swear, I should never be let out of my cage…


Posted by on April 28, 2013 in Dogs



Another phone call…

M sent me an e-mail to update me on Snowball’s injury. I left a message on his answering machine (that I paid for, as I did the phone – shit like this keeps popping up in my memory to piss me off all over again, but that’s neither here nor there) saying that I would be out Saturday morning before work.

He called last night to tell me that I didn’t need to go out there and that he had the neighbor lady coming over to learn the feeding routine as he is going out of town and she will come over to take care of the animals while he’s gone since I’m house-sitting and not available. Fine. Perfect. He has other options.

I thought that would be it, but he said that a couple of (married) male friends of “ours” asked him how he could stand not knowing where I am and if I’m “okay.” This was meant to be an opening for me to tell him where I am and how I’m living, and prove how pitiful my existence is without him, but I was instantly angry.

First of all, neither of these “friends” has made any effort to contact me to see if I’m even alive, so what business is it of theirs what I’m doing?

Next, does anyone who knows me think that I’m too fucking stupid to be able to live on my own? It ain’t Rocket Science, folks! I’m 44 years old and very capable of taking care of myself. In fact, I have always taken care of myself and one lousy, worthless male all of my adult life. Add one belligerent offspring for nearly 20 years and you have an accurate picture of just what I’ve been able to handle for the last 25 years. Assholes.

I told M that I resented that anyone would think that I’m not capable of taking care of myself. That I don’t have to answer to anyone. I am fine. I am Fine. I am FINE! I probably threw in some profanity before I rang off, but I don’t remember.

After I hung up (no talk of how much sex he’s not getting this time) it occurred to me that it’s quite possible M made up inquiries from “our” friends to goad me into telling him something that he could “pass on to them.” What a dick.

Coincidentally, I met one of my former neighbors at the dog park this morning. Sabu hated when he and his Aussie, Shadow, walked by because Shadow was off his leash and that made her crazy with jealousy. They played nicely today, though.

Anyway, I recognized both dog and owner and said so. He has talked to M and M told him that I left and his life is in the crapper. The man was totally on M’s side – big surprise. Not. I told him that life is too short to spend it with people who make you miserable.

He asked if there was any hope for M and I and I said only that we were still communicating. I couldn’t help tossing in that until M owned up to some things, I was not willing to discuss getting back together. I found myself hedging, not saying what I really feel on the off chance that he takes my words back to M and he does something drastic, and I hated myself for it.

As I was leaving, he gave me a little lecture on how sometimes you just have to forget the bad stuff and move on from where you are.

Spoken like a man who is single and has been for years.

Not a chance.


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We’re having a parade!

Yesterday was my one-year blogiversary! It all started with the first sad post and has continued rolling along and now here we are. Thank you all for stopping by my little closet in the blogisphere.

I am tired. Up way too late last night working for The Boss, but I wouldn’t change a thing. When I have more cylinders firing I’ll try to write up something that marks this date in a flashier way.

Da Boyz, as I have started calling D&D’s dogs in my mind, are starting to exhibit some interesting behaviors. What at first seemed to be a chaotic rabble racing off in all directions, barking shrilly, has now morphed into an organized hunting unit. I blame Sabu for the change.

Let me explain. Here are Da Boyz a few days ago –


Clockwise from upper left: Conner, Bailey, Mason

Possessed for sure, right? Here they are hanging out in the kitchen watching Sabu and I Doing Stuff. They are not interested in anything but barking and darting about on their clicky-clacky toenails.*

And here they are today:


Note the crazy-eyed ringleader front and center

Now they are a (mostly) silent pack of hungry mouths watching my every move. If I walk into the kitchen (look at that floor! To die for, I tellya!) they move as a well-oiled machine, taking up position almost-but-not-quite touching my feet. Hoping to trip me so they can eat my face, probably.

All of a sudden if I look at one of them, it will sit down with a thunk and look up expectantly. These wild creatures have some training! They’ve been holding out on me, but no more – they have to perform for their cookies and Sabu is a pro. A good teacher, too.

If I get up from my chair at the computer, I’m not fully upright before my entourage is poised and ready to follow. Sabu in the lead, the black pug next, then the brown pug with the Boston bringing up the rear. Round and round the house we go, nobody stopping until I sit again and there is no hope of another cookie. Round and round the yard, too.

Doing laundry is fun – Da Boyz dearly love to steal panties from the basket when my back is turned. Fun times!

If I try to sneak into the bathroom for a little break from four pairs of staring eyes, I hear the protests through the door. There is no hope of ignoring it, even with the fan on. They will not be locked out. They will not be denied.

9:00 is the beginning of Couch Time, which runs until 11:00. All small dogs** and humans must be seated on the couch by 9:05 or they will be harassed until they comply. Da Boyz take turns marching up to me and making it very clear (Bailey by barking, Conner by making a high-pitched squealing noise, and Mason by reproachful looks) that I am not following The Routine.

Once seated, Da Boyz begin the nightly ritual of The Cleaning of The Feet. It takes a long time and is rather noisy. Seems pugs are more picky about the cleanliness of their feet than cats are. Weird.

A short nap follows, then one final trip outside before Time For Bed. They sleep in D&Ds bedroom, a little set of stairs allowing them up onto the tall bed. They march into the room in order: Mason, Bailey, Conner.

Bailey thinks he’s in charge. Conner is a follower. Mason is really in charge but only asserts his position if Bailey does something out of line. They have all decided to defer to Sabu concerning matters of security and cookies since she gets faster results.

A bit chaotic, but it turns out that short-nosed dogs are quite entertaining. One more week and they will have their proper people back again and Sabu and I will start preparations to move Towanda East. One adventure after another!

* D tells me that pugs hate to have their nails trimmed, but since I have a way with shithead stubborn dogs I’m tempted to give it a go as a surprise. And for the quiet, too.

** Sabu is not welcome on the couch, even though she would fit. She refuses to be part of a dog pile anyway, preferring to lay on me by herself all.night.long. on the bed instead. She has standards after all…


Posted by on April 26, 2013 in Dogs



The Latest Narc Crap

Last week he said that he wanted Thursdays to be “our day.” He wants me to come out there and take care of the bunnies and he will cook me a meal and we can work on getting back to the good stuff that he wants me to believe we had in the beginning. Thing is, we never had Good Times. It was all a lie. I see through his mask and I remember how it really was and I’m not going back there ever again.

So he sends me an e-mail asking if I’ll be paying his cell phone bill this month. I replied that I would be paying it in return for his caring for the rabbits, as we agreed – very business-like. And then he sent this:

I was thinking I could BBQ a burger for you or a sausage, or maybe both. You have to eat sometime! It could be early or late. If you’d like to do that and I know about what time you’d be there, I could have it ready as soon as you’d looked at the bunnies so it wouldn’t take a bunch of extra time.

We’ve just begun on the food you got, there is still a pile of old shavings. They have started eating hay, which they didn’t all winter. I’m giving them the long stalks of bolted kale, which they love. I don’t think there is anything needed right now but some of your special attention.

Apparently Larry bought three new guitars (of course they are very valuable and collectable) so he bought Pat one too, I imagine as a panacea. She had time to tell me she was learning to play and had trouble with the size of the fretboard and then Larry took over. Twice in our conversation she tried to interject something and he pretty much told her to shut up, he was talking.

I just stopped at Wallyworld to pick up prescriptions and they have bags of composted manure for $1.38. I think 20 bags should do for this year. Are you interested? If so, I’d like some help loading, unloading and spreading. The garden is ready to plant otherwise. 

Uh-huh. So the rabbits are fine, he wants to cook for me, he saw a couple that we’ve met a few times (more on that in a minute – it will relate) and he wants me to commit to working on the garden this year. Got it.

I didn’t respond because I have too much on my plate right now to care about his plans and I just couldn’t be arsed to muster the energy. I figured I would call when I was on the way, blast in and out again and that would be that. You know a Narc can’t let anything get out of his control, so he called last night and I picked up so I could tell him I would not be coming out today. Or any time in the near future 🙂

I told him that I had heard from The Boss and he wanted me to work a miracle (my specialty, actually) and that there was more on the way from The Other Boss and I would be booked for at least another week. He pretended to be happy for me that I have some work. Made all the appropriate noises and then veered off into his favorite subject – himself.

Blah, blah, blah about last weekend’s boat show, blah, blah, blah. Gave examples of how he could have “taken control” of situations but he stood back and let the people involved fuck up and blah, blah, blah, hasn’t he grown? Yeeeaaaahhhh.

Then he went on to describe (I was sitting at the computer drawing as quietly as I could because he hates to be ignored. I need to get  headset) seeing Larry and Pat and how Larry is a Piece of Work and blah, blah, blah. He then asked me if he behaved the same way as Larry (a Narc for sure, likely a Socio as well. He has (figuratively) beaten Pat down so far that it radiates off her in waves and I saw it clearly before I left M.)

My reply? “Not in public.” Long silence on the other end.

He asked me why I never pointed it out to him (!!!) and that he really regrets that I see our relationship that way. He’s a changed man, now, and wouldn’t dream of treating me that way, blah, blah, blah. By this time I was getting bored and, message delivered, was not concerned with what he thinks.

I gave him the truth about Larry and Pat’s relationship (I’ve spoken to her alone, he has not. I am confident that I have a clear picture of what her life is like and it’s an ugly one, painted in shades of gray and despair) and then I told him that he treated me the same way.

That hurt, so he changed the subject and asked me to compare him to the men we both know that are real assholes. Yep, that was edifying for him. I gave examples of how he does the very same things that he claims to dislike about them. On and on. God, I was a bitch.

He tried another tactic, questioning me about TB and TOB and the work they sent over and asking how far down on my list he is. I told him that spending time with him was much less valuable than the $30 per hour they were paying me and that I would let him know when there was room on my list of Important Things To Do 🙂

Blah, blah, blah, whining, more blah, blah.

I told  him that making money in my career field is the most important thing in my life right now and that I can’t even consider turning it down.

“You could always tell someone ‘no’,” he whined.

“I’m telling you no,” I replied.

Oh, he did not like that one bit. Too fucking bad, though, that’s the way things are. I did not tell him that I will be moving Towanda over to the Valley ASAP. He doesn’t know about Towanda and he won’t hear about it from me. I will be good and gone and come back for the rabbits and we will be officially OVER.

His last words to me were about how he wants to hold my naked body some time real soon. Couldn’t have a conversation without reminding me of my Primary Duty. Asshole.


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Six Foot Town

It’s been a very busy day, week, April, and I couldn’t be happier, even if my left shoulder is screaming with tension and overuse.

Today was a constant stream of Things to Do and I’m not done yet, but I need a sanity break.

Met with Awana and Elise for breakfast at our favorite coffee house (they also carry a nice Darjeeling and brew it in pots, the proper way :-)) to decide the direction our little fiber enterprise will be going in over the Summer.

Then Awana and I were off to meet up with the LGD owners. They have a lovely 40 acres up in the hills and we got the Mini Tour (Sylvia was concerned that Jim was going to walk and talk our legs off) and left with more ideas.

Back to The Boss’ (D from here on out just to confuse you more. If I speak of he and his wife as a couple I’ll use D&D just to get that into the search engines :-)) house to check on Da Boyz and get to work.

The neighbor girl came over to take the pugs for a walk. Sabu about lost her mind when two of her herd (I had no idea she was so attached to the little shits) walked out the door with a couple of strangers. Curiouser and curiouser. That dog surprises me nearly every day.

The only table available for my keyboard is too high, the cause of tightness in my left shoulder, but it’s nothing the spa* won’t deal with later. I know! Hate me if you must – I have a rough life. Not.

The Other Boss sent over some drafting that he wants the first part of next week, so, yeah, feeling a bit overwhelmed. And then one of the other two people who work at The Shop called in sick. Sigh. Luckily Mario was willing to cover because I can’t leave the computer until this job is finished or I pass out, and the drafting better get done first or there will be some unhappy engineers over in The Valley.

Just before 5:00 I got the e-mail I was waiting for. The Boss formally offered me a job in The Valley in his office, picking up where we left off three years ago, full benefits after 90 days, matching contributions to the company retirement fund, earned vacation time from day one, etc. TOB is out of town until next week, so I won’t know what he thinks until then. Meeting 9:00 AM on Monday to pick up redlines and show off the New Me.

Feeling kinda Big & Rich tonight.

My brakes are on fire
From trying to slow down
I’m always burning my tires
And my horn is to loud
I catch people looking funny at me
When I step to the window and I toss a TV
Sometimes I get crazy and it makes a big scene
But when I hit 21 I wanna stand up and scream
I’m filthy rich with laughter, I’m too big for the room
You know from two stories up
A Zenith makes a big boom

It’s hard to get around in a six foot town
When you’re ten feet tall everything is so small
I’m always bumping my head
I’m way to long for the bed
It’s hard to get around
In a six foot town.

Some people live inside a tiny little box
They’re preoccupied about mismatching their socks
I never been one to worry about much
I just wanna laugh and love
I just wanna live it up

It’s hard to get around in a six foot town
When you’re ten feet tall everything is so small
I’m always bumping my head
I’m way to long for the bed
It’s hard to get around
In a six foot town.

Sometimes I stumble just because of my size
But hey y’all that’s alright
That’s the way God made me
I am what I am
And I can’t do nothing bout that

It’s hard to get around in a six foot town
When you’re ten feet tall everything is so small
I’m always bumping my head
I’m way to long for the bed
It’s hard to get around
In a six foot town

I am so lucky and blessed to have these opportunities and I wonder if they would ever have happened if I hadn’t left M. He surely would have sabotaged me while insisting that it was all my own fault when things went south. The Narc Crap to follow…

* You might not believe this, but even with the amount of crap I’ve brought over to D&D’s house, Towanda is still Home Sweet Home, my Bat Cave, the place that feels the most real to me and I can’t wait to get back to her full-time.


Posted by on April 25, 2013 in Anxiety, Digging Out, Friends, I totally Rock!


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