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More games, but no sex

30 Nov

I am at the point now that I dread going home after work. I have no idea what fresh hell awaits me, but I know that I have to take it until my moving plans can be finalized. There is really no other way unless I just drop everything and leave with the clothes on my back. I’m not yet desperate enough to do that, but I admit that it sounds more appealing every day.

So. I arrive “home” and he’s sitting on the couch reading. He did not greet me, did not even look up. Fine. I walked right on by to put my bag away and right back by into the kitchen to put on the kettle. That prompted him to yell, “HI!” at me.

I sat down on the couch and asked him why I always had to be the first to greet him while he never greets me.

And we’re off.

I allow that I was already angry and hurt and ready to tear his throat out with my bare teeth before I even got into my car, and I only got angrier when I saw how the evening was scheduled to proceed.

Once again we had the “talk” where he tells me all the things that are wrong with our relationship and all the things that I need to “take responsibility for” and the things I have to agree to “work on” before we can “begin healing.”

And I lost control and started yelling. I did not accuse him of anything, I simply pointed out, again, what I see as the “issues” with our relationship –

“When you yell at me, it hurts my feelings and makes me angry and I can not complete the job we’re trying to “do together.”

“When you yell at me and make threatening gestures, stand over me, force me to stand in front of you like a child being punished, it makes me scared and angry and I can not continue the conversation.”

“When you behave in a threatening manner, it makes me panic and I freeze up and can not continue with the conversation or project.”

“You would not speak like that to a female co-worker. I’ve seen and heard to be respectful to people you don’t live with and I demand that same respect.”

“If you tell me to go fuck myself, the conversation is over.”

He made some flip comments about how I need to get over my issues and then he started lecturing about how I can’t seem to get a handle on this, that and the other.

I said (over and over, actually) “Why do you think we can’t work together?”

“Why do you think I don’t want to be involved with your project?”

“Why do you think that is?” every time he pointed out my reluctance to kiss his hairy ass.

As soon as the finger was pointed back at his behavior, he changed the subject. I pointed out that he changed the subject. “It’s all the same subject!” he yelled.

I shut down. He seethed. I didn’t care.

He said that we both need to accept blame for our problems and work towards solving them. I agreed, just to shut him up.

He went to bed early, saying his foot was hurting. I sat up reading until I was ready to go to bed. He started quietly sobbing, hoping for some compassion from me. I rolled over and went to sleep.

This morning he made a sexual overture. I did not respond. He snapped away from me and said, “are you saying no?”

Damn straight I’m saying no. And fuck you, too. And I wish you would just leave for three days and you would never see me again. And a bunch of other things that I probably shouldn’t repeat outside my head.

After I got up, he was all soft words, chit chat, non-threatening conversation until I had to go to work.

I know it’s all bullshit. I know that it will only last until I “give in” and he thinks things are fine between us, until he believes he has me back under his thumb and feeling like shit. Sex would put him back on top of the world, confirm that he’s the Top Dog, but this time I’m not going to suffer in silence, be his sperm receptacle, his 6-minute diversion.

It’s just him and his hand tonight!

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11 Comments

Posted by on November 30, 2012 in Deceptions, Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Narcissist

 

Tags: , ,

11 responses to “More games, but no sex

  1. Janine

    November 30, 2012 at 5:26 pm

    You are torturing yourself and wasting your life. I remember when I went to my counselor and she told me I was dealing with a sociopath. She told me I was in denial. Eventually I heard what she was saying and made a plan to save cash money for a year so I could get out without any major financial problems. I was sure I couldn’t do it on my salary with 2 kids and my bills. I am sure now her eyeballs rolled so far to the back of her head she risked them never returning. One day he came after me to kill me. Somehow, he stopped himself, probably because he recognized he broke something of his from work and he had some ‘splainin’ to do. Well, I knew the next time I would not be so lucky. I had two days to get my personally important papers together and I fled. Today I have to give him spousal support even though he has been convicted of crimes against me. You know what? I have enough money. Yes, I am paycheck to paycheck and it is tight. I worry about providing for my kids. You are a single woman. You can rent a room. Please stop wasting the precious rest of your life you have left on this asshole because of finances. You can do it. You don’t seem to be in physical danger but stress is a silent killer. I hid behind the “I can’t afford it” fear for a long time. Luckily I was forced into action. Your excuse is bullshit and I am calling you out on it. You are convincing yourself you can’t when you can. You can do this. Reclaim your life and dump this shitbag. You deserve SOOOO much more. We all have to be ready to finally make the move but I am asking you to push yourself a bit harder. You have to get out. You HAVE to hon. Convince your brain it is time. It is scary, but that passes and you will be fine.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      November 30, 2012 at 5:38 pm

      I am on my way out. It’s a matter of days or a couple of weeks. Really πŸ™‚ Plans are afoot and moving forward. The money is in my bank account (that he does not have access to) I have a wonderful friend (female, in case that matters, and we all know that it does πŸ™‚ who will be checking out what may be my new home tomorrow. I have come to terms with the fact that I may lose some possessions that are important to me, but getting out safely and with my sanity intact are more important – I do know that. Being able to say to myself that this is almost over is such a relief!

      I’m keeping track of every little thing here to remind me. I can’t afford to let this shit become a distant memory. The little stuff all adds up to the Big Picture and I want to be able to demonstrate that I am not crazy, not making things up, to document the hell that I’ve lived through and to keep me strong no matter what.

      The “funny” thing is, I have been here before. That time I did fear for my life and my son’s life. This time is different and I am determined to take what’s mine with me when I go if at all possible. Placating the Narc up to the last minute is part of my plan, maybe not wise, I admit, but it still feels like the right thing to do at this moment. Tomorrow that may change πŸ™‚

       
      • Janine

        November 30, 2012 at 5:44 pm

        I hear you loud and clear. I had to pretend for only a couple of days once I knew I had to go. The holidays are a tough time for all of us, I just feel your pain so deeply. I have been there, and it is gut wrenching for me to read your story. I am going to inbox your FB some info. Not sure which one yet though πŸ™‚

         
      • Sofia Leo

        November 30, 2012 at 5:49 pm

        The Holidays are well and truly fucked for me after all these years with the Narc, so it’s not a big deal about the time of year. Weather is a much bigger player here – it’s all rain and wind all the time and will be for months. I’m working on a very portable, out-of-the-box living arrangement whereby I can hitch up and drive away forever. It’s much more affordable, too πŸ™‚

        Now if he will only make another trip up North for a few days – that would be the least painful way to manage the break. I would prefer not to get the police involved, but I will if I have to.

         
  2. My Unedited Life

    November 30, 2012 at 10:38 pm

    Bless your heart, I am glad to hear you’re making progress. For me initial fear was crazy, but each day that goes by I began to get more comfortable with the changes. I was lucky to have friends I could trust. I heal more each day, and there’s no doubt I made the right choice. I believe you are too. Good luck to you, and while I may not comment everyday, know I’m cheering you on all the time! πŸ™‚

     
    • Sofia Leo

      December 1, 2012 at 2:52 pm

      Thank you for your support πŸ™‚

       
  3. Beauty of Freedom

    December 1, 2012 at 10:20 pm

    Hello,

    I absolutely hope you do find yourself a way out of this situation…sooner rather than later.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      December 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm

      Thank you for your support. It won’t be long now…

       
  4. El Guapo

    January 2, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    I really hope you still haven’t given in.

     

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