Out of the Blue

The other night as we were laying in bed* M was babbling on about this and that and right in the middle he says, “You were so indignant about A not paying his ex for the rabbits**, but YOU never paid ME. The one who got screwed in that deal was ME.”

Right out of the blue, sandwiched in between two other subjects that he was nattering on about.

“I was angry that he lied to J and told her that we cheated her on the deal…”

“Still, you never did pay me back for those rabbits. I got screwed.”

I could do nothing but stare up at the ceiling while he changed the subject yet again and started asking how he could make some changes to his blog to get more traffic.

The rabbits were HIS idea. HE negotiated for them without my knowing about it. HE told me that “we” had to go “rescue” them tomorrow or who knows what would happen to them. I had no intention of getting rabbits and if I had known how M would use them to torture me I would have put my foot down and refused to take on more responsibility. Don’t get me wrong, they are great and I love the two that remain (they were not young when they came to me, and five of them have passed on) but I would never have agreed to it if I’d known the whole truth about their situation and what he would demand of me forever more.

I found out where he’s hiding his wallet. Yep, there’s a big ol’ wad of cash in there and he is trying everything he can think of to get more money from me, including bringing up this old shit that he knows very well I paid him back for.

See, at first the rabbits were a “gift” because we didn’t have a place to have sheep (long story – another post) and he wanted to show how supportive he is of my fiber arts, but it quickly turned into a Huge Obligation that he felt he should be compensated for, as all his “gifts” are. What a fucking mess!

So, basically, I owe him money for everything he ever thought of doing “for” me, and everything he needs to pay for now, and everything he will have to pay for in the future because it’s “all for [me]” and I should take responsibility for that debt right now.

Oh, I’m not allowed to be angry that he’s bringing up all this shit, either, I should “act like an adult” and “take responsibility for everything that [he] has done for [me].”

Believe me when I say the only thing keeping me from exploding right now is knowing that he will be going out of town soon and I will be out of here! The Boss is on board and will give me as much time off as I need to make it happen.

Question: Do I leave a note? What’s the protocol here?

* I like to read before I go to sleep – it helps me unwind and has become a habit I love to indulge in. M, of course, is offended if I continue to read after he comes to bed and has devised various ways of showing just how irritated it makes him, one of which is trying to engage me in conversation, forcing me to put the book down to talk to him. I’ve tried ignoring him – it doesn’t work and usually escalates the situation, as does putting him off or telling him that I will put the book down in just a minute. He really is a child.

** It’s a long story that I think I hinted at some time ago. A is a Narc Dick who was having an affair. He decided to leave his wife and three teen kids to live with the exotic dancer he was fucking. Before he went, he sold off everything of value around the property. Seven of those things were angora rabbits. I was told it was a “rescue” that his wife was too busy to take care of them, the kids were not interested and A would give them to “us” for free. “Free” turned into $600 in trade (coincidentally the exact same cost of new tires for M’s truck) for some of M’s Cool Stuff. A neglected to mention that his wife was not interested in letting the rabbits go – she was in fact taking care of them, but he convinced her that it was in her best interests to let them go. [Sorry, another aside – when we went to pick them up it was a bizarre scene – M was hopping around, very anxious to get out of there, J was upset, A was doing his best to distract her from the reason we were there with a thinly veiled hunt for a missing debit card. Just strange, and I didn’t know what to make of it. I had the distinct feeling that I should not be there at all.] J was very cool towards me in later e-mail exchanges and I got the impression that she was angry but did not know why. Turns out A had told her that she would be getting $600 cash for the rabbits, but that M and I had cheated him on the deal and she was out of luck. He added a few more lies for good measure and left her soon after with a boat load of debt and a bunch of missing stuff – he also “sold” M a spinning wheel that I just found out belonged to J. Wonder if she knows where it went? What a dick!

 

The Old Lover

As promised, there is more. The conversation about M’s “hurt feelings” (turns out he was “looking forward very much” to going to the Event with me) turned into something else before we were through because I could not hold in my anger about his secret correspondence with his “old lover (who [he] still care[s] for.)” I am not proud that I lost my temper, but his reaction was quite educational.

Here’s how it went down.

I said that I was not mad about the Event, that I did not invite him because I was mad that he was in touch with a former lover and had been for months and he was keeping it a secret even after all his lectures to me about how dangerous it was to be in contact with people who meant a lot to you in the past – he is old and wise enough to understand that if something is going to happen, it’s going to happen and he has no power to change that. I was not to be in contact with any way with a former lover or he would be very upset, as “these things” can so easily lead to much more.

I told  him that I’ve known about his contact with her since I saw his notes sending “love and kisses” to Italy. I said that I knew she asked him to meet with her when she made her annual trip to the coast. I said that he could very well have made that meeting since I am at work so much, but that I also know he would never admit it so nevermind.

I could see the wheels turning in his head. He thought he had control of the situation when he told me that he told  her a meeting was not going to take place, and that she cut off all communication after that.

I told him that he was lying – he had a note from her three days ago asking why she hadn’t heard from him after his last trip. Deer in the headlights ain’t in it. I said it was obvious that he was in touch with her and had been for months, all the while hiding it from me and acting suspicious about me and projecting his guilt onto me any chance he got.

Long sob story about how he treated her badly all those years ago and he thought that she didn’t really care for him then and that his leaving wouldn’t hurt her but evidently it did and she’s been devastated ever since, wondering about him, blah, blah, blah. Now he feels that he owes her something after the careless way he ended their relationship and can’t just cut her off. I asked if he understood that he was giving her hope and that it was totally out of line for him to do so.

More sob story about how he feels sorry for her that her husband is suffering from Alzheimer’s, just like his Grandmother did, and how he just wants to help in any way he can.

I asked if he realized that he had a relationship with her that runs counter to what he claims are his Principles and did he not think that I would be harmed by that?

Total confusion. He really doesn’t see that he’s doing anything wrong. I am a bitch for not understanding. He met her when I was 2, and left her when I was 6 – how could I think that there was anything there?

And on and on. He says that I am being unreasonable. He was wrong to keep it a secret, but he just knew that I would react “this way” and so he was trying to avoid that. Ya think?!?

Oh, he’s got balls, that’s a fact.

This went on and on for about 6 hours, ending at 3:00 AM. I believe that was also planned. I believe he hoped that I would be too tired to drive 2.5 hours to the Event, effectively ruining it for me and validating his view that if I had just invited him like I was supposed to we would both be happy. As if.

Never one to refrain from beating a dead horse, he started up again the next morning. For 2 hours. Made me late leaving for the Event and ensured that I would be pissed off for the long drive.

But it’s not over yet.

 

Invitations

Yesterday there was an Event. One that I look forward to every year. Last year we went camping. I told M that this year I was going to attend my Event, and there was no way I wanted to go camping. Fine. I told him that some friends were going to be there and I would like to meet up with them and visit for awhile. I took a day off work. I talked about the Event for a month. At no time did he express any interest whatsoever except to whine that I was going to be gone all day.

The thing is, I did not invite him, and that hurt his feelings.

If I want to include M in any of my activities I have to issue a formal invitation. I have to say, “would you like to do X with me?” If he wants to join me, he will say so, and if he doesn’t, he will say so and I am not allowed to have hurt feelings no matter what he decides. If the formal invitation is not issued he will not respond until it’s time to go and whatever his response is it will be a blow-up of some kind, sure to kill my enthusiasm for whatever activity I had planned.

He will not invite me to join him for ANYTHING. Ever. He will mention a date (or have me look up a date if it happens to be coordinated online) and that is pretty much it. If I show any enthusiasm and am not rebuffed, I can go along, but I always feel like I’m inviting myself where I’m not wanted. He says that I have a Standing Invitation to join him whenever I like. He says that he invites me to do things with him “all the time,” but that is a lie. I have to make plans, take time off work, pack, cook, whatever, but he will not invite me. If I act like he’s going on his own, he acts hurt because I don’t want to join him.

So. I did not invite him because I really wanted to go alone and when he went with me two years ago it was a huge trial. You see, he had to combine the trip with buying a boat trailer – saving gas and all that, which is fine, but we had to go get the trailer first. We drove for 3 hours, picked up the trailer (with the obligatory male bullshit that attends all such missions) and then drive back towards home for half an hour to the Event location. By that time it was late afternoon and quite hot. Of course we had the dogs in the van (which had very poor dog ventilation) so we couldn’t stay long. And it was hot. And he was hungry but the lines at concessions were too long for him to stand and wait*, but he couldn’t walk around looking at stuff with me because that makes his foot swell – he will just go way over there and sit under that shady tree and wait for me. Sounds fine, right? Not at all. What he was really saying was that he was done and wanted to go home. For every minute that I “abandoned” him he would torture me for an hour. It is a common occurrence.

I rushed through the Event, bought some things that I really needed and headed back to him as fast as I could, hoping to avoid what I knew would come next – The Ride Home. If you’ve spent any time at all with one of these assholes you know exactly what I’m talking about. ‘Nuff said. It was awful.

To cut this ramble off before I start screaming, he made such a huge deal about hating everything about that day that I assumed he would not want to repeat the experience and would not be hurt. After all, he hadn’t shown any enthusiasm up to this point, so he must not want to go, right?

Sigh. Friday night he started a fight with me over my “not inviting” him to the Event. I was so angry after reading that his “old lover (who [he] still care[s] for)” is still in touch that it finally just came out. He was drilling me about not inviting him and then being mad that his feelings were hurt and I just couldn’t take it. I said, “You’re right – my anger is not about what you’re complaining about right now. My anger is over your lies and hypocrisy – you’re in contact with an old lover, you’re keeping it secret and I do believe I have the right to be angered by that.”

Deer in the headlights. I did not have my recorder, alas. His excuses, tears, denials, deflecting gaslighting, yelling and lying went on for hours. Until 3:00 AM in fact. I was wrung out, but I got to say what I had to say. When he asked if I wanted to leave, I told him no, because I don’t want to be living in my car. When he asked if I wanted him to leave, I said no, because I don’t want to start a war that I can’t win.

I drove, alone, 2.5 hours each way on three hours of sleep just to say that I did and to defy him. I told him that I had a great time and will work up a long, detailed blog post to prove it.

He offered to sell me the house again today. Just how is that supposed to work, I wonder?

There’s more, but I have to go for now…

* Again, I am not discounting his disabilities AT ALL, but I do think he uses them to his advantage whenever it suits him.

 

Fresh Shit

I got a rare chance to check M’s e-mail while he was occupied in another room last night. He is still in touch with his “old lover (that [he] still care[s] about.)” She is disappointed that he hasn’t sent her a note since returning from his latest trip. i actually snuck up on him (he was blasting music from YouTube) and caught him looking at FB. He closed the tab right quick, but neglected to log out of anything before getting distracted.

So i re-joined FB under my real identity this AM before leaving for work. Wonder how he will deal with my new “attitude?” I expect some sort of backlash, but what’s good for the gander is good for the goose, no? I will refuse to de-friend my HS sweetheart on the grounds that he is friends with and in contact with an old lover. Let’s see if I can start a war before our next scheduled trip 🙂

 

This is how the Leaving Begins

Yesterday was a record-breaking cash day at the shop. The Boss was there all afternoon and stayed to close up with me. We got to talking, as Normal People do, and I found myself telling him that I need to find a place to live, pronto, and I know that in this tourist town I need to enlist the help of some locals to find a good deal with a sane landlord.

His raised eyebrows and, “I thought you might be having some trouble at home…” prompted me to say that M is a Narcissist and has been trying to kill my soul for the past 10 years and I’ve had enough.

Being a retired cop, he said, “Ah! From little things you’ve said I thought it might be something like that.” He and his wife know everybody, so they said they would put the word out among their friends and acquaintances to see what housing options might be available.

 

How the Narcissist Sees “Normal People”

Is Sam Vaknin talking about M? YES!! This is M right down to his toenails. This is the crap he gives me when he’s feeling sorry for himself. Nothing else matters when he is in this mood – he’s a “wounded animal, striking out any way it can to defend itself.”

Lots of interesting and educational stuff to watch on his YouTube Channel.

 

Mean

The first time I heard this song on the radio it struck a chord in my gut. Really, why? What is the point? I just don’t get it. I don’t have it in me to treat others with the hatred that I face every day – it just doesn’t compute with me, and I want to believe the best of others but, like so many women, I have been lied to and fooled into falling for these assholes that seem to live to beat others down.

Today I’m getting the Silent Treatment. I figure there will be plenty of “Oh, woe is me! I am such an evil person! I can’t even express my honest opinion without you going off or freaking out so I guess I’ll just sit over here and type away on my computer* until I’m tired and then go to bed. Without dinner, since you don’t want to do any little thing for me after I’ve worked hard all day**. Sigh. Poor me,” but I don’t care.

I spent half the day running errands, you know, the usual, changing the oil in my car, buying cat litter and rum, looking at rental ads in the local paper. The ordinary things that make up a day off.

UPDATE: Oh, he’s in fine form tonight! After a rum & pepsi (and plenty of Silent Treatment and turned back from M) I made hamburgers for dinner. I did not finish mine, but left a portion on my plate. M usually asks if he can finish any food that I have left (“wasting” food is a Big Issue for him) but tonight he left the room without so much as a Thank You for the meal. I fed the leftovers to the dog. A little while later he said something about “good food” going to the dog and I replied that he left the room, so he must not have wanted it. Rather than toss it out I fed it to the dog. Win-win, right? Got a little mini-blow-up with him saying (volume rising as the sentences went on) “I thought it would be rude to ask for your food. Since everything I do is rude, I’m trying not to do anything. Giving food to the dog that I would have eaten is rude,” blah, blah. I’m afraid I tuned out. Whatever. Poor him. So mis-understood. Boo-hoo.

* Is he organizing his new life? Talking to a new or former lover? He sure is closing tabs and hiding his e-mail screen, typing furiously. Maybe he’s chatting? Who the fuck cares?

** He’s outside in the sunshine putting paint on a boat. He got up late and is not moving very quickly. Let him try scooping ice cream for sweaty tourists for 7 straight hours while standing on a concrete floor! Asshole.

 

King?

Feeling anxious today. There’s an Event that M and I attend every year in the next town over. I had to work, so we agreed to meet there after I got off and decide what to do about dinner and maybe sleep there. I told him that I would be closing shop at 5:00 if it was slow, 6:00 if it was busy. It has not been busy for the last three months, so I have predictably been leaving work at 5:00 pretty much since I started this job. He knows this.

So. I leave the shop at 5:15-ish, walk the dog (who has been in the car most of the day and is not happy about it) and hit the road. I arrived at the Event site at 5:35, where I saw M walking across the street with a couple that we both know, heading for the burger joint for dinner.

What? We had agreed to meet and discuss whether or not we wanted to eat a burger or go to the grocery store to get sandwich fixings, and we agreed that he would wait until I got there so we could make a decision together. He knows how much I love the burger joint and that I look forward to eating there every year, and now he’s going without me? What about our money concerns?

I caught up to them and he was shocked to see me – could not recover his wits – seemed totally taken aback. He tried to cover with, “I thought you wouldn’t be here for another hour at least.” No apology about leaving me out, no kiss, very strange reaction to me being where I said I would be within the window of time we discussed only hours before.

He was distracted throughout the meal and I got the feeling that he wasn’t happy that I was there. I ignored his discomfort and behaved the same way I always do around this group of people.

I left the burger joint to go back across the street, walk and feed the dog and unload the car, leaving him to pay the bill just to be a bitch. A group was planning to meet to play some music and both M and I were expected. After unloading some stuff, I see M heading for where the music is going to be played with his instrument. Didn’t even look around to see where I was or wait for me or anything.

Again I ignored his discomfort, got my fiddle and sat right next to him, just so he couldn’t pretend I wasn’t there. Asshole.

The whole evening went this way, and this morning, too, when I drove him to pick up his truck. Very curt thanks, wanting to be away from me, you know the feeling, am I right? Yeah.

Wonder when I’ll get my eviction notice?

 

Mr. Know it All

I came home from work last night and M was not there. No note, no indication before I left for work that he would be out for the day. The dog was happy to see me at least.

Shortly after arriving home, my Mom called. She had good news about her retirement and the latest that is going on in her life. I haven’t spoken to her or anyone else in the family for months and I’m afraid I unloaded on her about my relationship troubles. She told me that she never liked M, that he was “creepy” and “imperious,” but he is my choice and she doesn’t feel that it’s her place to judge our relationship.

She also said something very profound, “You’re just like me – we can be led so long as we think it’s a good idea, but no farther.” And I guess that’s where I am at the moment – this ship is being steered towards a shore that I don’t want to land on and it’s time for me to provision the lifeboat and get the hell out.

Where was M? He was out sailing on the ocean with a friend. Great. I would have had no idea what happened if he never came back, no idea of where to begin a search. I don’t watch the news, so I would have missed any story about three people being lost at sea and would have been left wondering until a helpful neighbor expressed their condolences.

Swallowing my rage, I asked how the trip went? “Like riding a bench.” That was it. The whole description of his day. He did say (a couple of hours later) that C had made him a sandwich and how he hated that C yelled at his wife who is in the early stages of Alzheimer’s and can’t remember multiple instructions. He expressed his disdain that C was frustrated over what is a little thing that his wife can’t help and how sad it was, blah, blah, blah. I was gobsmacked. Couldn’t even draw the parallel for him between C and his wife and he and I. The denial is amazing to watch.

Lately I find myself analyzing his every word, looking for inconsistencies that I then hammer on. For instance, I said that I would be making a pizza for dinner tonight. He said that was very ambitious for a work night. I said that he was welcome to make it himself – the ingredients are in the fridge. He said that he’d never made pizza. Well, huh. So all those times he stood over me and offered “advice” and told me the “proper” way to make a pizza, all those recipes and tips and just plain crazy-making shit, he was just talking out his ass? He has never actually made a pizza from scratch?

I couldn’t help myself. I am ashamed to say that I stooped to his level and insisted that he admit he had never actually made a pizza from scratch. I made him admit that the advice he was constantly offering about this particular dish was based on nothing at all and that I had figured out on my own how to make a damned good pizza. It was amusing to watch him back pedal. He finally asserted that he had made “a few” pizzas but that the crust was never very good.

“Huh. Well, I have to go to work now. Bye,” and I was gone.

What a putz. I am not proud that I jumped on him that way, but he deserved it. I’ll probably pay for it later, but right now I just don’t care. Dishing out a little measure of his own shit right into his mouth is more satisfying than I thought it would be. I’ll get bored with it soon and totally shut him out, but for now it provides the only thrill I’m likely to have until the middle of next month when I finally get a day off work.

 

Husband #1

When M first started asking me about former lovers, he said it was so he would know “what not to do,” and would bring us closer. I had my doubts from the beginning as I’ve learned that men do not want to know who came before. I gave in to his demands, reluctantly, and nothing good has come of my compliance.

One of the chapters of my narrative concerns my first husband, Mark. I have no fear of sharing his name or his mother’s name as neither of them would ever dream of touching a computer so I have no fear of them reading this. The whole chapter can be found here.

The short version is this – Mark was a Bad Boy. I was desperate to free myself from the clutches of my father and Mark was the perfect lever to use. He was tall, blond with blue eyes, muscular with not an ounce of fat on him (I would later learn that was because he was shooting crank every day) and he had a really Bad Attitude. In short, he was perfect for a naive teenager looking for a way out of her boring little life. I fell hard and stayed down for five years. We had a son together who I ended up raising alone. Surprisingly, H has grown into a good man who is a joy to be around. There were some rough years – a story for another day.

Anyway. Here’s the chapter on my first husband. Please leave a comment if you can (or can’t) relate.