I had contact with the Narc this week. Three times, in fact.
He called me up Tuesday evening and asked if I was free for dinner. I was starving and said yes if I could pick the place. We met at my favorite Mexican restaurant and I ordered my favorite meal. He started out polite and mellow, very like the mask he presented when we first met. I’m sure he was thinking that I would fall into his arms, a victim of his charming demeanor. It sounded to me like he’d been working on his sound bites for quite some time – the delivery was so smooth. I was ready for Mr. Hyde to show up and curious to see what form he would take this time. It’s like a fascinating experiment – I can’t look way because I want to see what the blob turns into next.
About half way through the meal, his tone changed. Oh, no one on the outside would have noticed it, but it was like a red cape in front of a bull to me. He went from asking questions that any stranger would ask to trying to pry out of me where I was living, what it cost, what “things” I might have bought, etc. My throat closed up and I went into Evasion Mode. I gave no outward sign that he was getting to me, and I think I was pretty convincing. When I drove away I headed for the library (not a direct route home as I didn’t want to take a chance that he would follow me, but there’s no way he could be stealthy in a big ol’ Ford F350 truck), seething the whole way because he thinks that I’m the same person he has tortured for the last 10 years. Does he think I’m stupid? Don’t answer that 🙂
This little meeting confirmed that I can hold my own with him, not losing my temper or allowing him to walk on me. I did divulge that I’m house-sitting for the next couple of weeks and will not be available to watch the cat for him. He said that he would try to make other arrangements. He asked if he could come over and watch TV “or something.” Yeah…Hell NO! I told him it was not appropriate, was not going to happen and not to ask again and he dropped it.
I was angry that he was still trying his bullshit all the while protesting that he is now enlightened and understands why I would be punishing him for his transgressions now. He raved about how the Celebrex takes the edge off his anger and anxiety and that he’s a New Man. Whatever.
Then on Wednesday, after a day full of good news, he calls me and says that he was cleaning Snowball’s butt and cut her with the scissors and would I please come out and take a look before it got dark? He was worried that it was serious (Angora rabbits have incredibly thin and delicate skin and they don’t always flinch [being prey animals they don’t show weakness] when you’re getting close to their skin like a dog or cat will and you can’t feel the difference between hair and skin as you cut – you have to be careful and know where you are, anatomically speaking) and he “valued” my “expert” opinion. Sigh. Well, the day had been awesome up ’til then and nothing could possibly get me down. I do have an obligation to the buns.
I hurried out there and examined Snowball. The cut was bleeding, but not seriously at that point. I washed it out some more, sealed the edge with a bit of super glue (relax – it’s exactly what the vet would have done with this type of wound) and went on my way. The whole time he was chatting with me, telling me…actually, I don’t really remember what he was babbling on about. I was bubbling with my good news and almost told him that I would be working a lot over the Summer, maybe moving over to The Valley and how happy I was about it, but he was droning on and I didn’t want to share. I left after he thanked me profusely but before he could invite me to stay for dinner.
And then yesterday I went out again to look at Snowball and make sure she’s not swollen or anything (the wound has closed and is well on the way to healing – rabbits heal very fast) start her on some antibiotics just in case, check Steve and groom them both. M said that he had a doctor’s appointment in the morning, so I tried to get out there early enough to miss him, but no dice – he showed up about 10 minutes after I arrived. He came out to the rabbit yard and talked while I did the bunny stuff. The topic was how I should move back out there and how he could live on his boat much cheaper than whatever I was doing (what am I doing, by the way?) it would solve so many problems, blah, blah, blah.
We sat and drank a cup of tea. He nattered on about how he is a New Man and he hopes that I’ll have the patience to see him through his Personality Transplant (my words) so we can go back to how it used to be when we were happy. At that point I had heard enough and began to get testy. He told me that what I am doing is “punishing” him. He kept interjecting phrases like, “I don’t mean to accuse you of anything…” and “I don’t mean to discount what you’re saying or feeling, but…”
I had told him when he arrived that I had to meet someone and was going to leave at a specific time. He kept up with his bullshit, delaying my leaving, trying to control me, and that really pissed me off. I left in a rage and it wasn’t until I was well away from there that I figured out why. He told me that by doing something for myself (leaving his ass) I was “punishing” him for things he still doesn’t believe he did. That’s the whole crux of the matter. It’s always about him, and it will always be about him and what I want or feel will never matter.
I blew off his bad vibes and got packed to go take care of The Boys – two pugs and a Boston terrier. They are Princes in their home and they know it. Sabu has her nose a bit out of joint, but we’re working it out. At the moment, all is silent, but it can’t last much longer so I’ll try to wrap this up.
M called last night. I wanted to tell him what I thought about his “punishing” statement, so I picked up. What followed was a long dialogue. He had obviously prepared his statements. I shot holes in every one of his “epiphanies.” I refuted each of his statements and gave examples of why he is wrong. Oh, yes, I was prepared, too. He was not expecting me to fight back, and I think he was surprised. I told him to keep studying, that he is getting closer to the answer to his psychology, but he’s not there yet.
Yes, I was condescending. Yes, I was rather nasty at times. He has to know that I see through his mask. Maybe he doesn’t want to believe that yet. He said that he’s totally open to whatever I have to say and that he will listen to me. If I find that he’s not listening he gave me permission (!!!) to yell at him to get his attention. Hah! I wish I had recorded him so you all could hear what a desperate Narc sounds like. I need to figure out a way…
I don’t think he got any satisfaction out of the conversation. Oh, sure, he got me to talk to him, but he didn’t hear what he wanted to hear and he’s not going to.
You might think that this was a ridiculous exercise that will only lead to pain, but I’m hopeful that it will lead him to understand that I’m never coming back, that it doesn’t matter how he “changes” or what he thinks, it’s over. If he comes to that conclusion on his own, it will be easier for me in the end, as he will be able to complete his Narc Cycle and move on, forgetting me forever instead of stalking me to the ends of the earth. Every time he tries to convince me to come back I emerge from the confrontation with a stronger conviction to stay away. By sparring with him this way, I feel powerful. He is not physically threatening to me and now he is no longer emotionally threatening, either. I feel no qualms about moving for work and telling him some time after it’s done. Or maybe not at all. I will need to come back to care for the rabbits, but there might be a chance to rehome them over in The Valley, and that would solve all of my problems at once.
Time and distance solve all problems, just as saltwater washes all cares away. Bonus points to whoever can name the author I just paraphrased. Hint: he wrote 20 books in a series and a movie was made that incorporated pieces from three of them.