Apology via email

This just in:

My Love,

You are right that I have been completely out of line. Confused and confusing and yes, mean. I have been taking my frustrations out on you. For some reason I feel you should save me. We both know where that leads and we are deep in it now.

I doubt you can forgive me and I don’t blame you. I feel like I’ve gone from one head-on crash to another. You’ve watched it and been very patient, though I wish there had been something you could do. It’s more likely that I’ve been self-destructive and nothing could have been done by anyone but me. I’m still confused about how, what seemed like good intentions, turned out so consistently wrong.

I should not blame you, nor should you feel responsible, despite all I’ve said. One bad decision has lead to another, it’s a simple as that and now I’m paying the price. I should not try to earn a living by hard labor, it has immediate grave consequences. When I’m in pain I lash out. If it costs me your love, I’m a very stupid man.

You said this morning that all you’ve done for me in the last few years counts for nothing, which shocked me out of my anger, because that is simply not true. You have been isolated, which is frustrating (but deserved), but you have held me up. I’m fool enough to not see that until you pull the rug out from under me. Yes, a lot of this is about money. I need to get over that – it’s old news now. But I don’t know what to do. When you say to settle down and see what happens, I feel you are being callous. I suppose you are actually being wise and I just don’t see it because it doesn’t fit my philosophy. A lot of good those hard driving habits have done me! (not).

Whether you stay with me or not, I will have to change. You are right in every case. It’s not going to be easy. I’ve promised you I would not do what I did last night and the night before, so all I can say is I’m trying. And will continue to work on this – my anger, frustration with the past, unrealistic plans for the future, and to stop trying to mold you into an image of me. There is a lot you could teach me. I don’t know why I haven’t seen this before.

This fall has been tough. When the weather changed, I felt it immediately. When the insurance denied me treatment for my back, it was a huge blow – I thought I was getting somewhere. I need to move forward with this and get to work on an application for disability, then hopefully the insurance will improve. I’m intimidated though, having been denied so many times.

This has been a ramble about me but I hope you see it’s about you, too. I want you in my life. Yes, I know I need to respect you and accept that you have valid opinions, even when I don’t agree. It’s your life – you can eat what you want, dress how you like and entertain yourself in any way that gives you pleasure. I have fought you a lot about all of this, but it’s time to stop. I’ve been a bully, it’s a simple as that. I’m sorry.

When I called your phone this morning, I said I love you very much, which is true. But as I was saying it, I heard my sister, who’s love is warped, which scared me.
A person who loves doesn’t throw tacks under his lover’s tires like I’ve been doing. I appreciate that you are standing up to me, apparently I need to be hit over the head with a sledge hammer. And hopefully that won’t be necessary anymore, and not because you have left. Please stay with me?

love, m.

I am a fucking saint for putting up with this bullshit for so long. I’m sure the anger is radiating off me in waves right now as I slowly boil over with rage that he can believe that I will suck up his lies one more time. Granted, I always have in the past, but this time I will not.

I don’t believe for one second that this toxic missive is related in any way to the truth with regards to his admissions of being an ass and a bully.

A stranger who read the above would likely tell me to give him the benefit of the doubt – go back and try to make it work, the problems aren’t all that terrible, are they? What they couldn’t know is that this has been going on for over 10 years. He has been promising to scale back his rages and treat me with respect for over 10 years. That is almost one quarter of my life. Twenty-five percent. The only thing that has changed is that I lost my Self. I lost my identity, my passions, my self-respect. He took from me all of the essential things that make me ME.

I am done. Can’t take any more. Of course it’s the weekend before a big Holiday. Of course businesses are closed and renting a truck will have to wait until Wednesday. Nothing comes easily for me, so this is just another bump in the road and I will motor over it, as usual, scraping the shit up as I go.

If I happen to catch a bit of good luck, he will be gone on his trip up North when I get off work, the dog will be on her bed and I will start packing. If the luck I catch happens to be bad, he will be home, all apologies and kind words. I think I’ll start to pack anyway.

 

Apology by Phone

Here’s a prime example of how the Narc works.

He called my cell phone after I left to leave a tearful message saying that he’s really, really sorry for taking out his frustrations on me. He sees the pattern. He sees exactly what happens and he’s sorry. He wants to try again to make it better. He understands that I have to do what I feel I have to do and wishes it could be different. His life is in the crapper. He loves me very much.

Less than half an hour before he was yelling at how immature I am, how I do nothing but fuck up his life, and now he’s telling me that he wants to change and make our lives better.

Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

I hate both of them.

 

 

Round and round we go…

M was spoiling for a fight when I got home last night. It started with tortillas again, and how he feels he can’t eat what he wants because I have “secret menu plans.” He asked if he could eat the tortillas and I said sure, just add it to the grocery list. And we were off.

He started in with money, my “control issues,” my poor eating habits, my “lying” to him about what I eat and how I will end up with a colostomy bag, lying in bed being cared for by him.

I took issue for awhile, reminding him that I am not overweight, diabetic or in poor health, and he does not have to care for me.

On and on he ranted about how his life will be ruined by my whatever and how he has no money so he can’t afford to be generous or in a good mood. He was really gearing up, so I said, “why don’t we just stop here. Or skip to the end where you are red-faced and yelling and I’m crying? We’ve done this so many times before that we can just skip the hours and hours in the middle, okay?”

More crap about how my reaction is uncaring and childish, how his feelings are being disregarded, blah, blah, blah.

I asked again to skip to the end. He got madder. I said that this conversational pattern was harmful to our relationship, I point it out to him every month, I want to change this dynamic we have going and the only way to do it is to stop.

He refused to listen to my pleas that we not do this any more.

I told him (again) that the only solution is for me to move out so he can sell the house and live his dream on his boat. Then I wouldn’t be holding him back, making his life miserable, heaping “responsibilities” onto him until he can’t do anything but explode.

He said some bullshit about how he fully supports whatever I decide to do, but it will break his heart, blah, blah, fake tears, blah blah.

Silence. “You could buy half of this house – then we would be equally committed.”

“No.”

“You could rent from me. You could deposit the money into a bank account and never have to see me again.”

“No.”

“Why not? It’s the perfect solution…”

“I don’t want you for a landlord.”

“Maybe I should just go on an extended cruise – let you have some time alone so you appreciate me when I come back…”

And we’re off in another direction. I shut down. He saw it and started ranting about how immature my behavior was and how it’s at the root of all of our problems. I reminded him (again) that it’s a self-defense mechanism to deal with aggressive men and he knows full well how to stomp on that button and he does it with glee.

I think I stopped talking at all after that. I walked the dog and he got ready for bed, turning off every light in the house. I prepared to sleep on the couch, but he called me into the bedroom, saying that there was no reason for me to sleep on the couch. I slept in the bed, clothes on, for a couple of hours.

While laying there, I gave a long hard look at where we are and how best to handle the situation. I hopped out of bed and took a quick shower at 8:30. I walked the dog and came back inside to feed her. M was in the shower.

As soon as he was out, I went in to ask him if I should take the dog with me to work today.

“Why?” he acts confused.

“Because I heap all these responsibilities onto you, and maybe you don’t want to watch the dog today – I’m giving you a choice.”

And we’re off again, but this time I am in control of where we’re heading. He started in again about how I owe him money (it always comes back to money, no matter how he denies it or tries to make his argument about “everything”) and I lost it.

“It seems to me that if I am the one bringing in the money, you should treat me better!” Nope, only if I give him money.

“Fine. I’m not doing this today!” and I left the room. He called me back, started in with the same shit and I left. I picked up my bag, got in my car and drove in to town, where I bought a padlock and rented a storage locker. Not taking a change of clothes was maybe a mistake, as was leaving the dog, but he needs to get a clear message that I am not going to take this shit any more.

 

Compensation

I cooked a pork roast for dinner last night. It was fabulous. As we were sitting at the table, M started talking about money and what the roast cost. I told him and then I said that it should last for a few days, we really don’t have the money to eat like that every day.

“Says the girl who doesn’t pay rent!” Instantly the bite I had in my mouth turned to concrete, but I said nothing.

He then went on to complain how he is unhappy that he’s not getting paid for hanging out with the local Boat Guy (who is sounding more and more like the pitiful men who are getting older, are single and living on their boats with no company and no prospects – very much like M will be soon) making fabulous suggestions and guiding him to make wise decisions about what to do with his boat. He feels that he should be getting a consultation fee.

“I feel seriously under compensated!” he declared.

He obviously read something in my expression (fire? daggers? loathing?) that prompted him to say, “not by you of course…” I had spent the day sewing for him in the hope that he will leave soon and take his cushions with him.

He changed the subject to the trials and tribulations of ordering me a new pair of Carharts from the local feed store and how they will be delivered in 10 days. This was prompted by my gifts to him – as he was perusing the clothes I bought for him for Christmas I could see the dollar signs ringing up behind his eyes. Yep. I spent more on him, making sure the clothes were exactly what he had asked for, the right size, the right color, the right brand and materials and he realized that I had out done him and he didn’t like it one bit.

He orders me an expensive pair of pants, and then complains about our lack money and how he feels “under compensated.” If he had a clue what my bank balance was he would shit a brick 🙂

Just marking time now, it will all be over soon.

 

Feeding the Beast

Last night I arrived home from work after spending a couple of wonderful hours with the ladies knitting. M was sanding away on a project for the local BG who wants him to work on his boat. Power sanding at 8:30. I bet the neighbors were thrilled with that!

I put my bags away and went out to ask him if he wanted a cup of tea. Nope. “What I need is food – I haven’t eaten since breakfast! I’ll be inside in just a minute, I’m almost done.”

Judging from past events, I understood this to be my cue to go inside and prepare some food. I could see from the pinched look on his face that he was at the end of his energy reserves and if he didn’t get any food into him (or worse, if he got angry and decided to “drink his dinner”) the night would be long and loud with him yelling at me about nothing until he finally wound down with exhaustion.

I know I swore not to cook on the nights I get home late from work, but all the signs were there that it was in my best interest to make some food*. It meant that I would be lectured or yelled at anyway, but it would be shorter and less angry if he was shoveling food into his mouth at the same time. I’m not an idiot 🙂

I started the meal (beef stir-fry) and began to pace the kitchen, waiting for his outburst. Sure enough, he came inside. “Fuck! I hope you’re not cooking! It’s too late to eat a meal! I told you I would just make a sandwich or something. You never eat this late! Why didn’t you tell me you were cooking?”

“You said you would be done in just a minute and you need food, so I thought it would be nice for you to have a meal…”

“You should have told me! You never communicate about things that involve the both of us!” Stomp, stomp, stomp. “How long do I have? When will it be ready?”

“Fifteen minutes. Or as long as you need….”

“Fuck!”

And he’s off to put away the tools and blow the dust off.  Whew! That didn’t go too badly.

As he was eating (he was obviously ravenous) he continued his lecture about how I need to let him know (or just ask outright) when I want to do something that involves the two of us. It’s not fair to “force” him to stop and eat when he really has to get this project done. I asked him what the hurry is. Turns out BG is somewhat insane and has no concept of time. Whatever.

“I saw the look on your face that means you need food and so I fixed you a meal as a surprise because a sandwich wouldn’t have been enough.” I kept my voice soft and my eyes down. I asked him questions about the project and sympathized with his feelings of being rushed.

As he ate, his mood improved, as I knew it would. I did actually get a “thank you” from him an hour or so later, but he stuck by his opinion that I should have asked first.

I refrained from saying that he makes it impossible to do something nice for him. There are always consequences, even when I do something that is ONLY for him. He is suspicious. I’ve even told him that I did something to avoid him yelling at me. He denies that he yells or lectures.

I heaved a deep sigh of relief and went to bed. Honestly, I felt like I had just successfully negotiated a mine field. There was no reward at the end but to survive another day.

Healthy relationships don’t look like this.

* Had I not made some food, I would have gotten The Other lecture, the one where I don’t care about him, don’t think of his needs, don’t listen to what he says, and that would have lasted much longer, so I opted to take the lesser of two evils. The fact that I even have to think this way really, really sucks.

 

Pulling out all the stops…

M is doing his best to fool me in to thinking that he’s changed. He expressed genuine (as far as that goes for a Narc) appreciation at his gifts (which, BTW cost more than double what the box of chocolates cost him, not that I’m keeping score, but I know that he is…) when I gave them to him on Christmas Eve. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew I spent much more on him than he spent on me, and that I had listened when he was talking about how much he needed new clothes. It was priceless, really. Almost guilt, but not quite, and gone so fast that if I hadn’t been watching I might have missed it.

I sewed up his boat cushions and he was full of praise. I offered to cover the extra piece of foam with the same fabric since there appears to be Just Enough and it really needs to be done. His look was incredulous – “You’d be willing to do that?”

“Sure. I know you want to take it on your next trip and it really should have a cover. I can sew it up on Thursday. Will that work for you?”

Of course it will work for him!

He is full of praise. Saying things like, “you must really love me to be doing so many projects for me all at once,” and “I am a lucky man to have you in my life!”

It’s all bullshit and I know it. He hasn’t had a blow-up yet this month, but there’s still time.

Unrelated but on my mind, I can’t remember the last time I said, “I love you.” It’s been a few weeks at least. I can’t remember the last time I said it an meant it, either. How sad.

No word yet on when he will leave on his trip. There’s a BG here in town who needs some work done and M thinks he may want it done really soon, so maybe he should postpone his trip? I am staying non-committal so that I don’t give away my eagerness for him to be gone.

These are the times I question my sanity. He is acting just as I asked him to – being nice to me. Being appreciative of the things I do for him. Speaking softly and kindly. It makes me wonder if I shouldn’t just stick it out – if he can behave this way, maybe there is hope for us? If I left he would be totally blindsided, not understanding why I left after he has worked so hard to “change” and treat me better. Won’t I be cruel to just walk out after more than 11 years? How could I possibly be thinking about abandoning him like that? Isn’t this life Good Enough? Maybe if I wasn’t so [insert “bad” personality trait or habit here] we could finally find peace and get back to the wonderful relationship we had in the beginning…

Then I come back here and read my entries and get pissed off all over again at his duplicity – he knows very well what I need from him and he is deliberately abusing me. Deliberately. With much thought beforehand. In new and inventive ways. He is using me for his own ends and the only way it will ever stop is if I leave. The only way I will ever find peace and happiness is if I leave. There have been way too many second chances for him. Time to cut my losses and see what might be out there in the Wide World for me.

 

Take-Backs

A couple of years ago M bought me a pair of waterproof rain pants. They were a lovely dove gray and were meant to replace a pair that I had been wearing for years that were finally giving out. He bought them so I would look proper when we went out on the boat – appearances must be kept up at all costs. He admonished me that they were “yachting clothes” and not to be worn working in the yard.

Recently he bought me a new rain coat (black – which I hate) to replace the nice one that has begun to leak. The coat is too small, by three sizes. I like to wear a sweater and a coat with the rain coat over the top of everything so that I can be warm as well as dry, but he has never liked that look – it makes me look like the other wives and girlfriends – fat. And you know how he feels about that!

I had been storing my rain gear in a cordura bag in the back room. A couple of weeks ago he commented that I really should hang up my rain gear so it didn’t wear along the creases as it sat in the bag. Fine. I hung it up. He stores his in a bag, but I guess that’s different.

The other day he came home with a pair of rain pants (black again) that he declared just weren’t going to work for him. He had me try them on. They will do, but are not lined, are not as good a fit, are inferior in every way to the gray pants.

“They’ll do for you. Would you like to trade for the gray ones?”

“Uh…I guess…”

“Good! I took the gray ones the other day when it was raining so hard and they’re on the boat – I didn’t have any dry gear to wear.” He has three sets of rain gear and assorted odd pieces that would have worked just fine, but seeing my nice gray pants hanging there was just too much to resist.

End of discussion. Yet another “gift” that he took back or replace with something inferior so that he could have the best stuff. I haven’t looked yet to see if he has taken anything else back…What a dick!

 

The Christmas Card

A card from my Mom came in the mail –

Inside she wrote –

“May 2013 bring you good health, happiness and love. Think of you often and send good wishes that you are OK and happy. Love you my big girl daughter.”

I vented to her a few months ago by phone about my relationship and I think I blindsided her a bit. We don’t talk often because M has virtually cut me off from my family. There is never time to go visit because his shit is so much more important than my family – he always has an excuse for why we shouldn’t visit. I am not allowed to go anywhere out of town* without him and he won’t stay overnight in a strange house.

Needless to say, Mom and I are not close like she is with my Sis. I plan to fix that in the New Year!

Christmas with my family was always a joy – good food, visiting with relatives that I only saw once or twice a year, catching up, board games, you know, all the fun stuff that families do.

M and I do not do any decorating for the Holidays. I made a remark about a Christmas tree the other day and he got all uptight because I have “never mentioned” having or wanting a Christmas tree. He thought I was against them or something, I don’t know. It was another of those things that exists only in his twisted mind. I said that we had one some years ago, but he denies all memory of it, saying he was never there to decorate or enjoy it, blah, blah, blah. Well, that was a very bad year and I lost all heart for it after that. Who can blame me when he makes every gift-giving occasion so miserable?

I am not down this year, knowing that it will all be over soon and I will be living the life that I always envisioned for myself. I will have fun! I will live life on my own terms at long last! I will cut my hair and post a picture for all of you to see! I will wear lipstick to make Awana laugh at how quickly it ends up on my teeth 🙂 I will be free!

* He has never actually said that I couldn’t go out of town to visit my family, but he has made many, many arguments against me going anywhere overnight without him. It’s a covert, underhanded method he uses to make me feel like a cheating, deceiving, morally reprehensible person for even thinking about going to see my Mom without him, even when he refuses to entertain the thought of going along.

 

Planning

I love to buy new pages for my planner – they are so clean, so full of promise, of adventures and opportunities yet to come –

I confess I also loved the beginning of the school year – the new paper, Pee-Chees (anyone remember those?) pencils and erasers. They seemed to hold so much potential! I was the geek girl who was so happy with a gift of paper and pens or a blank book for any occasion.

Paper still holds that thrill for me and it felt wonderful to put new calendar pages into a new happy green binder – the old one finally split along the seams. Sigh.

I generally quit writing in a planner by the end of February. What starts out so hopeful has always turned sour two months into the new year.

Last year I decided to write a little something every day since I wasn’t writing in a journal and the days seemed to disappear one into the next. I was also getting a lot of grief from M because the dinner menu wasn’t as varied as he wanted it to be. No, he never volunteered to cook!

The entry for January 3 reads:

Up all night – money & no job discussion. Need to follow up on M’s ideas. Need to get up early & sleep less. Need a long term Plan.

The next two weeks are filled with all those things that M thinks I should do to find a full-time job. None of them panned out, as I knew they wouldn’t because I actually spent time out in the world and knew that his suggestions would not work. He insists that he knows how to get a job, but he has never used a resume to get a job, has never filled out an application, has never applied for a job online – when he was a young man, the union sent him to work; as he got older he got business by word of mouth; and now that he can’t hold a job he has nothing at all, but he is full of advice!

By the middle of January, the entries detail the usual mid-month melt down over the same tired subjects that he always brings up. The entry for January 19:

Back wall moldy.* Bailed the little skiff. Big argument – same shit. If I was just like him in all ways (which are superior) everything would be fine.

The entries stop the first week of February.

This year will be different! If all goes well, I will be living on my own by the second week of the New Year. I intend to start a new tradition of writing a blurb every day in my planner, and to write anything “good” that happens on a small piece of paper, which I will put in a jar to open on New Year’s Eve next year. I wonder how many Good Things I will discover when I can finally live my own life? Gonna cut my damned hair off, that’s for sure! 🙂

* The back room (my “studio”) is simply painted 1/4″ plywood over wood studs. It faces the direction that the weather comes from and is impossible to keep dry. The floor is concrete and there is no heat source. Makes for real pleasant working conditions when it’s cold outside and all of my stuff has to be  pulled out from the walls and a fan run constantly to keep the walls dry. Bleach has to be sprayed to keep the mold under control and if I forget one day, well, there’s hell to pay!

 

The 13 Commandments

Last year I printed up what I call M’s 13 Commandments –

I kept the list taped to the inside of my planner, looking at it most days, trying to internalize the contents. M was so adamant that if I could only master these things our relationship would be Perfect. If only I would bend and not be so stubborn, he could love me. If only I would do these trifling things, I would be worthy to share his life. If only I would grow up and see that Real People live by these rules and are so much better than I could ever be – these are things to aspire to! Tenets that he lives his life by that I should adopt in the hope of improving my life and our relationship.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we? I abbreviated on the typed list, so I’ll expound here –

1. Symbiosis/Partnership – this means that we should operate as one unit – two bodies, one soul, always in sync, always in tune and working together. The problem is, HE is in control and what he really wants is for me to follow along in his wake, keeping things tidy and picking up the slack of HIS projects and adventures. All this with no instruction, warning, assistance, praise, thanks or gratitude. I am supposed to fit myself seamlessly into his life with no thought about who or what I was before him. My inability to do this is one of the biggest problems in our relationship.

2. Being able to receive and give gifts graciously – I’ve written about this before. I never get it right.

3. Give budget to receive itinerary – M refuses to tell me when and where he is going unless I give him a detailed budget.  It’s a totally bullshit exercise he uses to control me that was posted here and here.

4. Communication/Connectivity/Compromise – This is the category that means I should tell him everything that goes on in my head so he can better control me. I should be totally connected to his needs, moods and desires and compromise my own principles to keep him happy, no matter the cost.

5. Share something (sailing) and work towards that goal – this is where I take on his favorite hobby/lifestyle and adopt it as my own philosophy. He does not have to reciprocate in any way – it is a one way street.

6. Show interest and mean it. Retain info. Do private research – I should devote myself to his hobbies, remember everything he tells me (even if he contradicts himself constantly) about those hobbies and do independent research to fill in the gaps that he just doesn’t have the time or patience to share with me. He claims that he can’t even remember what it’s like to be a total beginner at anything and he just can’t lower himself to my level to explain something that he learned at his Grandfather’s knee. Nor should he have to – it is my responsibility to research and learn everything I can on my own so his precious time is never wasted.

7. Plans for the future & relationship – this is where I constantly update my 20-year plan and have a separate plan for each and every eventuality that may occur from freak storms to hangnails. I should have a set amount of money in the bank and three back-up options for anything that could possibly go wrong. I have been instructed to include him in my plans as if he is unable to do anything for himself and as if I could lose everything at any minute. It’s a ploy to keep me in a state of low level panic every minute of every day so that he can better control me.

8. Get first job done – too many commitments – If I have a project that I want to do for myself, it must be done as quickly as possible with minimum disturbance for him. I should be ready at an moment to begin, resume or finish a project that is for him, regardless of what else I might be doing at the time. I should be “on call” for him 24/7 because his needs are more important than my own.

9. Pride in home ownership – the grass must be cut as soon as it’s 1/2″ taller than he likes, the yard constantly maintained, nothing out of place that could cause the neighbors to gossip in a negative way. The outward facade must be perfect at all costs. Letting any outside job get “out of hand” is a sure sign that there is something fundamentally wrong with my wiring – that I don’t jump at the first sign of a drooping limb on a bush outside is a symptom of my “renter’s mentality” and we all know that Renters are the lowest form of life on the planet.

10. Listen to and remember the important stuff – this is basically anything that comes out of his mouth. Unless it contradicts what he’s saying right now. Or if it proves a point that I’m trying to make. Or it exposes his lies. Or he later says he never said it. This one is a moving target.

11. Notice personal changes/Pride in appearance – I should Dress to Impress. Him, not anyone else. If I leave the house in clothes that he considers “nice” I must be going to meet another man. If I wear grubby clothes to work in the yard, well, I’m just being a slob and he complains that I’m not wearing nice clothes for him. My dress is always inappropriate to the task at hand. The fact that I refuse to wear makeup or spend an hour styling my hair is an insult aimed at him because, after all, he is the one who has to look at me all day! I should notice if he shaves the second he steps out of the bathroom. I should notice that he cut his hair and it’s now 1/16″ shorter than it was yesterday, even if he’s wearing a hat. He wants daily praise about his appearance – he acts like a 16-year-old girl about it some days.

12. Have an opinion/Share feelings – he wants me to express what I feel, to tell him my opinions, but he then pokes holes in any independent thought that I share and uses my feelings against me. This rule is only about giving him more ammunition to hurt me – it has nothing to do with helping me become a more mature person, as he claims.

13. Money talk does not have to be emotional – for him. He will berate, criticize, lecture, and demean me in any way he sees fit over money matters while protesting that a Responsible Adult can talk about money without emotion and I need to grow up and learn to be Responsible.

I tossed the list into the garbage after finishing this post. There will be no more rules for me except those that I write!