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Category Archives: Friends

Has it really been two years?

Today marks my two year narc-free anniversary! At 11:45 AM on January 20, 2013 I drove away from the narc’s house with the last of the stuff I couldn’t live without. I was an emotional mess but determined to escape that asshole and live the life I’d always wanted for myself.

For those who are new, read last year’s synopsis here to get caught up. Ready? Okay.

I went NC with the narc about a year ago, changing my phone number and deleting my internet presence completely so he couldn’t stalk me. Oh, I hadn’t been communicating with him for months before that, but the occasional email still came through to irritate me all over again. Life has been so much more peaceful now that all communication has been cut off.

I look back and hardly believe that was my life. It’s inconceivable to me now that I allowed one person to control my every thought, my every movement. It’s almost like a bad dream, life has changed so much.

Sabu, Revy and I are still living in a 30′ travel trailer and I recommend this lifestyle to anyone who doesn’t think they can escape their abusive relationship because of financial issues or pets – I could not afford an apartment that would accept a 50-pound dog on wages from a part-time minimum wage job, but I could easily afford to buy a travel trailer and pay space rent in a nice RV park which enabled me to have my own private space and keep my dog. If I don’t like my neighbors, I simply hire a Dude with a truck and he will drag my home wherever I may want to go. I have the option of buying or renting my own truck and traveling until the land meets the sea whenever the whim may strike. I am not tied down by a rental contract or mortgage. I don’t have to do yard work or keep up with the neighbors and their new toys and gadgets. I am a modern-day gypsy who has chosen to stay in one place for awhile.

I have a great job that I love in an office full of truly Nice People. I don’t feel any stress over money and feel in control of my life in a way that I never would have believed possible. I have full autonomy. I have full say over the menu, thermostat, TV remotes, social events and ALL of the bed and blankets. I go where I want to go, see who I want to see and never even think of the consequences that used to be meted out if I stepped away from his line. Every day is a blessing and joy.

Back in July I posted that I no longer heard his voice in my head and what a relief it was. It took 1.5 years to drive his voice out of my head! If you haven’t been in an abusive relationship you have no idea how deeply the monsters sink their claws into your soul. This was a Big Deal and I quietly celebrated for a couple of weeks before deciding to step out of my comfort zone and put myself out there online as “single and looking.” I know, right? I haven’t talked about that here because if it turns out to be a disaster, well, this blogging thing is supposed to be all about the successes, right?

In some ways it’s gone well, in others it’s been the disappointment I thought it would be. There are a lot of freaks out there looking for NSA kinky sex and if that’s what I was looking for I’d have my pick of any number of Slimy Dudes, but that’s not really my thing. I’ve been told I want too much from a man. I have to shrug and think to myself, “yeah, it’s totally unreasonable to narrow my choices to men who are gainfully employed, own their own car, live in their own space (ie not with Mom,) don’t drink excessively, don’t use drugs, don’t have a huge pile of debt, aren’t already otherwise involved in relationships, don’t have small children at home (sorry if that sounds selfish, but I’m all done being Mommy, thankyouverymuch!) don’t need a Mommy or fixing in some other way and who can write and spell with something close to English grammar conventions.” I won’t be a doormat, slave, maid, cook or gardener with no return on my investment and I state that right up front. Ya ain’t gonna get free labor from me 🙂

I’ll admit it: I’m gonna be picky because I can. I am perfectly happy with my single life. It’s working for me. But I also want to know if I could “do” a relationship the way I hear it can be done. You know, where two people of opposite sex are great friends who get along and like some of the same things and respect each other. It’s just not the same with girlfriends and dammit I want it all!

Anyway. This is not the place to talk about all that stuff. Let’s just say that I’m still single, still enjoying my life and looking forward to another fantastic year.

I’ve been away from blogging for awhile because I haven’t had anything to say. Life with the narc seems so far away when I’m going about my day-to-day business as to seem irrelevant to who I am now. I’m not sure where I want this blog to go now. Suggestions? What do y’all want to hear about?

To all of you in abusive relationships: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be brave. Throw off your shackles and walk into the light. It’s hard. It sucks. It’s scary. But it’s worth every hardship to live a life free of abuse.

Thank you all for joining me on this journey 🙂

 

 

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This is why I shouldn’t go outside…

I almost never post pictures of myself here. I’m usually behind the camera and there aren’t many photo taking opportunities, but Saturday found Awana and I at an outdoor Fiber Event. I thought the natural light would be great for taking pictures and Awana was willing to take some shots.

I wore my favorite yellow linen tunic – the one that makes me look thinner than I really am. I was very careful with breakfast so as not to slobber all over myself.

We arrived at the venue unsoiled. And then IT happened. We were putting up the pop-up for the first time and I managed to whack myself square in the mouth with the top of the upright while trying to make it “snap easily into place.”

Awana says I cried a little, but I have no memory of that part. I do remember feeling carefully with my tongue and being grateful I hadn’t broken a tooth. Fuck! My lips started swelling on the spot and I hoped that I wouldn’t end up looking like a loser in a boxing match.

20140802_102044Favorite shirt? Check. New prescription shades? Check. Big ol’ fat lip? Also check.

Sigh. The shades are cool, though, right?

20140802_102136Where did all those gray hairs come from? What about the “anti-glare coating” these glasses are supposed to have?

Gaaaahhhhhhh!!!

I did get hit on by a lesbian, so it must not have looked that bad…

 
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Posted by on August 4, 2014 in Crazy, Fiber Arts, Friends, right?, You're kidding

 

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Aaannnnnddd…We’re Back!

The weekend went well. Ran full out for three days, but it was worth it in the end. The Spin-In went well and I finally got my entry into the longest thread contest – it’s this Crazy Thing that spinners do where we’re all given a set weight of a certain fiber and whoever can spin the longest two-ply thread wins. There is a cash prize and bragging rights for a year 🙂

How do y’all feel about writing contests? A woman I do Internet Stuff for is having a short story contest – 1,000 words or less and it must have a dog in it. I’m thinking about posting the details here because so many of you are writers. What say you?

Propane ran out at 0300 this morning. I was putting off getting the tanks re-filled until after work today. Poor decision on my part. Luckily the frigid temps the weathertards are predicting don’t arrive until tonight. Unluckily, after the furnace woke me trying to cycle on, Sabu and Revy were UP for the day. I had a hard time convincing them that the propane place doesn’t open until 0500 and we could sleep until then. Really. Couple more hours, ‘k? They were having none of it, the trailer smelled of propane anyway and we were up. Sigh.

And because I’m outta time, a gratuitous cat pic:SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA

 

 
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Posted by on February 4, 2014 in Cats, Dogs, Fiber Arts, Friends, Social Interaction

 

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One Year Ago Part Four

A year ago I was posting about how I hate curry (one of the top posts on this here blog, strangely enough) and pissed off at the narc’s efforts to pry every penny he could out of my bleeding corpse.

I was fighting the narc’s indoctrination, the voice in my head that dictated my every move based on what would or would not please the narc on any given day. He was making preparations to go work on his boat, leaving me alone for a few days and I had planned my escape. I was tied in knots, anxious not about my escape plan, but about how he would react and the possible consequences.

That Thursday, Awana and I traveled over to The Valley and found my home and had her hauled back to The Coast where I set about making modifications and moving in. The narc was due to be back some time between Sunday and Wednesday, but I knew it would be sooner because he was always hoping to catch me doing something he didn’t approve of, and that was pretty much everything.

Everything that could be fit into Awana’s van and my car was moved out of the narc’s house on January 20, 2013 and of course the narc had to try to make a scene when he came home to find my Fuck You note, but I handled it okay and was able to spend my first night in my very own space with not too much stress. I didn’t die or have a heart attack or have to explain a nasty public scene or any of the other horrible things the narc had trained me to worry about.

So much has happened in the past year, and all of it has been good. Or at least a Learning Experience 🙂 No catastrophes, I’m not living under a bridge or starving or in some kind of danger as the narc told me would happen if I ever didn’t have him to “carry” me through life. I have a good job, a warm place to live where everything is just the way I like it, I eat what I want, watch TV, spin & knit, go to the dog park, anything I want to do, any time I want to do it. I can talk on the phone with anyone I choose to with no interrogation afterwards. If a friend invites me out to do something I can go with no worries about narc consequences. I can visit friends and family at any time, even staying overnight with no worries that I’ll have to pay a price when I get home. No one is forcing me to eat or do anything that makes me unhappy. No one is laying guilt trips on me or beating me with words or denying me basic comforts like heat in the Winter. No one is beating my dog or threatening me.

I woke up today (again) with an indescribable feeling of unreality. As I looked around the dim room (it was not even 0630, damn you, Revy!) it felt like a dream and I was afraid I would soon wake and find myself back in that narc-made hell. But, no! This is my life now and it is fabulous! Can’t say that enough!

There was a Big Storm on Saturday, making travel unpleasant so Awana came over on Sunday to stay for a couple of nights. We went thrift shopping, out to eat, watched part of Dexter Season 6 (LOVE me some Dexter!) cooked, and generally amused ourselves doing what we like to do. And you know what? I can do it again today, or tomorrow, or next week. It might not sound like much to those of you have never lived in the shadow of a narc or similarly disordered person, but just being able to cook a meal of my choosing at a time of my choosing, letting the dog lick up the drips, listening to my choice of program on the radio, it’s all still a bit unreal and feels like an amazing luxury.

On Monday I deleted the old email account and changed every name and login for every account I’ve accumulated over the past 10+ years. My old ID is gone from the internetz.

Life is good!

 

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Holiday Cheer

I’ve been AWOL for the last five days, doing all that Holiday Stuff that’s so popular this time of year. Awana came over to spend a couple days with us. Here you see her spinning and trying to enjoy a piece of toast. Sabu was doing her best to get that last bite for herself, but Awana was oblivious:DSCN0477

 

Awana is one of those people who hasn’t lived with pets for some time and is either unaware or has forgotten what it’s like to eat anything with a critter in the house. She is able to leisurely have a bite of toast, set it down, drink a sip of tea, talk awhile and pick the toast back up, confident that it will be right there under her questing fingertips when she’s ready for it again.Sabu (mostly) doesn’t steal from her. Yet.

I, on the other hand, must grasp my food to my chest, balancing a tea cup on my lap (setting it on the table is an invitation for getting it knocked over,) taking quick bites and swallowing fast, before dog or cat manage to knock something free and gobble it down before I can rescue it. Revy is always at my elbow, or even trying to climb onto the plate if there’s chicken or ham involved, and Sabu is forever leaning on my knees, bumping my arm or leg with her nose to get me to hurry up and get to the last bite already! She always gets the last bite and is not at all patient about waiting for it. It can be exhausting, I tell you.

DSCN0479On Christmas day we drove up to Portland to my Sister’s house for lunch and catching up. Sadly, most of my pictures turned out awful (I truly hate my new camera and moan about the one that was stolen each time I bring out the POS) but there are a few that are fit to show.

 

DSCN0480Sis’ tree. Cool, yes? It was much prettier IRL. It disassembles and goes into a box after The Season. Easy-peasy!

DSCN0484This is Maya. She is an odd cat. Very interested to see what you’re eating, but not at all interested in having a bite. It’s like she needs to know for the sake of knowing.

The quilt was well received and we all settled down for taco soup, which was fab-u-lous! Even better heated up the next day!

A couple hours of visiting and we were off to the dog park and to take Harley home. Turns out The Boy did not have many clothes fit to wear in public (at least by Mom and Grandma standards) and so I insisted that I would be back on Friday to take him shopping. And for a haircut.

Sadly, it was unnecessary to humiliate him by forcing him to try on clothes and model them for me at the crowded store – I had five pairs of new jeans in The Stash (don’t ask) that fit him perfectly. We did venture out for some thrifting and food shopping as well as a haircut. Another trip to a dog park and Sabu and I headed home.

Awana was gone, so the beasties and I started in on another project and cleaning house. I spent a couple hours Saturday and Sunday in the Studio working on a scrappy quilt that is now ready for tying and binding. The trailer is clean, the plants are behind a new protective barrier that looks slightly less White Trash than the cardboard I was using before, and I even managed to do some cooking for lunches this week. Sabu got to go to the dog park six days in a row. Lil’ Dude got some new clothes – more about that in another post 🙂

All in all, it was a very happy and productive five days off!

 
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Posted by on December 30, 2013 in Family, Friends, Happy, Holidays

 

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The Little Cowgirl

As I work on my NaNo project and pore through my old journals I’ve been reflecting upon friends I met along the way. Sadly, there’s only one. Oh, sure, I had acquaintances that I saw every week at knitting, but I never saw them outside of the yarn shop. There was only one person I could confide in during the earlier years I was with the narc because he would not allow friendships with anyone he didn’t know first and who was loyal to him. It took me a long time to figure that out.

RobinRobin was our neighbor when we lived on the little farm. She and her boyfriend of many years, Dave, were the first people we met when looking at houses and they were a big reason we chose the house we did. The other neighbors were assholes, but that’s another story.

Robin had two horses and we became fast Horse Friends, seeing each other at her barn but not otherwise. Horse Friends share everything horse-related, but may be total strangers away from the barn. I met her kids only a couple of times, but she talked about them enough that I felt like I knew them.

Robin’s old paint horse, Bear, had cancer when I moved in and he went downhill fairly quickly. She held on to him as long as she could before making that final call to have him put out of his misery. It broke her heart – he had been with her through a failed marriage and several temporary relationships and she loved him more than anything but maybe her Jack Russel dog, Jake.

I moved my horse into her barn and pasture and we rode often. The narc was pressuring me to get rid of my horse. Junior was too much horse for me and I was being pulled in too many directions to give him the time and miles he needed. The narc was a total asshole about how I spent my time and not a day went by that he didn’t have something to say about the “horse situation.” I was spending too much time with the horse or not enough time with the horse and I couldn’t take it any more. One day I just snapped, put an ad in the paper and the Junior was gone two days later. I was out of the horse business.

The narc was not pleased. “I didn’t mean for you to sell your horse!” he declared. “I meant that you should get another horse and I would ride Junior.” Say what? I choked back my rage and said nothing. He was gaslighting me about the “horse situation” and I was not going to go there.

Anyway. Robin procured another horse so she and I could go riding together. I would fall in love with the lovely chestnut Morgan mare, but again, that’s another story.

When we rode we told our stories and Robin asked often why I stayed with the narc. I shared that I felt trapped and obligated and confused as to why he was such a dick for no reason. She was an invaluable sounding board, wondering aloud why the narc and I were together when we were so obviously not suited.

She eventually left Dave and moved in with another man. She kept her horses at Dave’s and we still rode often. Then I moved to Lebanon and we both had to drive to see the horses. It was fine. Not as good as it once was, but we still saw each other every week and between us were able to ride the horses enough to keep them in training.

Robin broke her back in an accident when she was a teenager and had three fused vertebrae which caused her a lot of pain. She was able to do her job at Safeway most of the time, but her back began to get worse and she took time off to go to the doctor and let her back rest. The doc recommended surgery but her company insurance balked at the cost and delayed approving the procedure. The doc was happy to prescribe pain pills, which she enjoyed way too much with her beer.

Her back pain became so bad that her doc demanded she take a leave of absence from work until she was approved for surgery. Guess what? You have to work a minimum number of hours or Safeway will drop you from their insurance policy. They delayed her surgical approval until she basically couldn’t walk and had to take enough time off (all with doctor approval) that they could drop her insurance.

Maybe you can see where this is going?

She was in pain and caught the seasonal bug going around and couldn’t make it out to the barn to care for the horses. She had bought feed and shavings but hadn’t been able to deliver them so Harley and I drove over to her house to pick them up.

She was very slow to open the door and I knew as soon as I saw her face that she was dying. She wouldn’t let me in. I didn’t have her boyfriend’s number. She refused to let me call an ambulance or take her to the hospital. She swore that her boyfriend (why can’t I remember his name?) was on his way home to take her to the hospital and she would be fine. She gave me the keys to her car and I loaded the horse stuff into mine, and knocked on the door once again.

I repeated my pleas that she get to the hospital. She swore she was fine. I returned her keys and drove away, tears in my eyes because I knew I would never see her again.

The next evening I got a call from Dave. Robin was in hospital. In a coma. Organs shutting down. No visitors allowed. He called again a few hours later to tell me that she had died. It was February 5, 2008. Every time I think of her I regret not dragging her to the hospital myself, but the little cowgirl was stubborn and would have fought me the whole way.

I can’t touch a horse without remembering our happy rides together. She was the first person to tell me the narc was an asshole and that I deserved better. She always told it like it was and I loved that about her. Her death is the reason I rarely shop Safeway. I find myself missing her today and hoping that she and her beloved Bear are riding the trails in a better place.

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2013 in Friends, Horses

 

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Visiting

stuph-rantTwindaddy, author of the very first UnShitty™ blog on the internet, has granted me a guest post spot today. Hop on over there and see what I’m bitching about on this Friday and stay to read some really UnShitty™ Stuph!

 
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Posted by on October 18, 2013 in Friends, Rants, Stuff that Pisses Me Off!

 

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