Pulling out all the stops…

26 Dec

M is doing his best to fool me in to thinking that he’s changed. He expressed genuine (as far as that goes for a Narc) appreciation at his gifts (which, BTW cost more than double what the box of chocolates cost him, not that I’m keeping score, but I know that he is…) when I gave them to him on Christmas Eve. I could tell by the look on his face that he knew I spent much more on him than he spent on me, and that I had listened when he was talking about how much he needed new clothes. It was priceless, really. Almost guilt, but not quite, and gone so fast that if I hadn’t been watching I might have missed it.

I sewed up his boat cushions and he was full of praise. I offered to cover the extra piece of foam with the same fabric since there appears to be Just Enough and it really needs to be done. His look was incredulous – “You’d be willing to do that?”

“Sure. I know you want to take it on your next trip and it really should have a cover. I can sew it up on Thursday. Will that work for you?”

Of course it will work for him!

He is full of praise. Saying things like, “you must really love me to be doing so many projects for me all at once,” and “I am a lucky man to have you in my life!”

It’s all bullshit and I know it. He hasn’t had a blow-up yet this month, but there’s still time.

Unrelated but on my mind, I can’t remember the last time I said, “I love you.” It’s been a few weeks at least. I can’t remember the last time I said it an meant it, either. How sad.

No word yet on when he will leave on his trip. There’s a BG here in town who needs some work done and M thinks he may want it done really soon, so maybe he should postpone his trip? I am staying non-committal so that I don’t give away my eagerness for him to be gone.

These are the times I question my sanity. He is acting just as I asked him to – being nice to me. Being appreciative of the things I do for him. Speaking softly and kindly. It makes me wonder if I shouldn’t just stick it out – if he can behave this way, maybe there is hope for us? If I left he would be totally blindsided, not understanding why I left after he has worked so hard to “change” and treat me better. Won’t I be cruel to just walk out after more than 11 years? How could I possibly be thinking about abandoning him like that? Isn’t this life Good Enough? Maybe if I wasn’t so [insert “bad” personality trait or habit here] we could finally find peace and get back to the wonderful relationship we had in the beginning…

Then I come back here and read my entries and get pissed off all over again at his duplicity – he knows very well what I need from him and he is deliberately abusing me. Deliberately. With much thought beforehand. In new and inventive ways. He is using me for his own ends and the only way it will ever stop is if I leave. The only way I will ever find peace and happiness is if I leave. There have been way too many second chances for him. Time to cut my losses and see what might be out there in the Wide World for me.


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10 responses to “Pulling out all the stops…

  1. Melanie

    December 26, 2012 at 2:27 pm

    Remember these lines: “The only way I will ever find peace and happiness is if I leave. There have been way too many second chances for him.”

    • Sofia Leo

      December 27, 2012 at 9:33 am

      It’s my new mantra 🙂

  2. Awana

    December 27, 2012 at 2:45 am

    You know the past and the present, but you will never know the future if you don’t leave. Personally, I don’t believe in love; I believe in noticing what happens in the day-to-day grind …in other words, “Show me the money.” You don’t have to “love” somebody to do nice things for them–where does he get this old-fashioned idea, self-centered idea? Love, love, love–what a bunch of bullshit. Showing affection, sharing, caring, supporting, being positive–these are much harder things to do.

    • Sofia Leo

      December 27, 2012 at 9:36 am

      We as a society are so hung up on the notion of Romantic Love that we fail to see the love and beauty in everyday things in our quest for an ideal that never existed. Very sad.

      Self-centered love is the most important thing to the narcissist. There is nothing else for them. It is a hollow existence. Pity them if you must, but keep them at a distance or you will suffer.

  3. Lee

    December 27, 2012 at 3:59 am

    Stay the course!

    Aye aye! Steady as she goes!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 27, 2012 at 9:36 am

      I’m doing my best 🙂

  4. Bethany

    December 28, 2012 at 4:55 am

    I’m proud of you! You can see the truth. He is abusing you right now. dangling a carrot in front of your face while you are starving. As soon as he gets back from his trip (if he has the will power to last that long) if you are still there he will know that he has won and will yank the carrot back and verbally beat you for daring to desire to eat it. RUN!!!

    • Sofia Leo

      December 28, 2012 at 2:06 pm

      Thankfully I am no longer hungry 🙂 Just really, really pissed off…

  5. El Guapo

    January 2, 2013 at 11:24 am

    I don’t know the set up for what changed in him (reading backwards right now), but so far, everything sounds like you were right in getting the storage locker.
    If you can’t trust him, and if the word love has left your lexicon, it seems like anything he could do now isn’t enough to make up for what’s already been done.


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