Fairly recovered from the visit with the Narc yesterday.
I had to go over there and deal with the bunnies, and here’s why: angora rabbits* grow hair at the rate of 1″ per month and this hair grows over every square inch of their bodies. They do not groom themselves like cats. The hair grows just as fast over their genital area as the rest of their bodies. Bunny poop sticks to bunny hair. As the hair gets longer, a condition that angora owners refer to as “poopy butt” can (and will at a remarkably fast rate, like within hours) develop. To prevent this problem, the hair around their genital area must be clipped short on a regular basis. If it is not and poopy butt develops, within hours on some occasions, an enterprising female fly will find the dirty bunny and lay her eggs, and I’m sure you can imagine the horrors that quickly develop from there.
Okay. Gross bunny lesson over. M does not know how to properly clip and clean the bunnies, and he’s never actually seen the male bunny’s (his name is Steve) uh…”goods” and so does not know the care that must be taken to avoid slashing a hole in Steve’s vulnerable nut sack, making my presence essential to the health and well-being of the rabbits. The female is named Snowball, just to keep everyone up to speed.
I arrived when I said I would and M was out on the porch. First words out of his mouth were about how good I looked and that he could take care of the rabbits later – why don’t we go get naked? I did not puke, but my stomach came dangerously close to the back of my throat. I mean, really? Sex is going to solve our problems? Did he think I was coming over for a Booty Call? Obviously he did.
After disabusing him of that notion, repeating myself at least three times, he visibly deflated. “Here comes the next phase,” I thought. Sure enough, now it’s quivering voice and crocodile tears and declarations about how much pain he’s in and blah, blah, blah.
I deflected his advances, refuted his assertions that I was the cause of much of his abusive behavior and went outside to take care of the rabbits. He, of course, joined me, asking a few pertinent questions (yes, I know Snowball is the one with the messy butt, but I don’t want to be humped by Steve because I smell like Lady Bunny, so I’m clipping him first) and said that he understood what I was saying when I told him that every conversation between us is a war that he is determined to win.
Wash, rinse, repeat. You’ve heard it all here before. Same shit, different day, with the only difference being that I stuck to my guns and kept repeating that I did not have to agree with him about anything, that I have the right to express my opinion, he doesn’t have to like it, but it’s my right to express myself without the fear of reprisals, etc. It was like talking to a belligerent two-year-old. Sigh.
I finally got out of there (it felt like three years, but was only 2 hours later) and headed off to see the ladies at the shop for knitting and bitching. As always, they were sympathetic and I was able to shake off M’s crud and feel like myself again.**
A little later the following arrived via e-mail. Subject line, “So good to see you:”
Good to see you today. You look fabulous and stir all my passions, as you always have.
There are a lot of thoughts racing through my head. I want you to know, no matter how I might respond to you, I am listening. Right now, with your anger, it’s hard to not be defensive. I know that if I am to discard some wrong behavior I need to get past the pain of your accusations and take them to heart.
When I ask you if you are coming back, I don’t mean today or tomorrow, but sometime – I can wait as long as it takes, if you intend the best for both of us in the end. In that case I will work toward the same. But if you intend to separate from me for good, I need to come to terms with that now. It will not work for me to hope for your return for a year or even more, always wishing for you to come back, only to find you have moved on.
You probably can’t answer that question now, but it would help if you have any positive thoughts to share.
I’ve been a very bad person to have made you feel so insignificant and defensive. I hope you understand that was never my intention, though it’s painfully clear how I’ve done that. I commit to doing what it takes to grow and learn and hope you might commit with me to improve our relationship. I understand that means for you to be able to come from a position of strength.
Your ever-loving man
Oh, whatever! Nowhere in this silly note or our conversation yesterday did he admit that he’s an abusive man. At no time did he say that he accepts that HE is the cause of our problems, that no one can “make” him behave abusively towards me or anyone else. At no time did he admit that I have every right to leave and find happiness away from his abuse. He continues to say that we share the blame equally for how our relationship turned out. When I said, “what I should have done was call you on your bullshit ten years ago and we wouldn’t be where we are today,” he froze and I could see the wheels clicking around in his head as he tried to find a way to turn it back on me. Everything is my fault in his mind. If only I would [fill in the blank here] we would be fine.
Circles, circles and more circles, all going nowhere. He is not ready to make any changes and will keep trying to surround me with F.O.G. until he gets what he wants. Ain’t gonna happen!
Sabu is feeling better today and yesterday made me quite proud – M wanted her to sit at his feet and be petted, but she made it very clear that I am her person and he is just a guy she used to know 🙂
* Angoras are a man-made breed, first bred (as far as anyone can discover) in monasteries in the mountains France in the 1700’s. They live outside in wire-bottomed cages, which some people take issue with, but they can’t have solid floors or their fur quickly gets matted with feces and just from the friction of the floor. Their hair is fairly delicate and methods of raising them are well established. They (at least these two) are NOT PETS. They have never lived inside (it would be too warm for them under any but the most harsh circumstances) or been litter box trained, or had a large space to exercise in.
They are livestock, raised for their hair which I trim off with scissors every 90 days and spin into yarn or dye and sell to others to spin into yarn or use for other fiber arts. Because they need special care compared to other types of rabbit, it’s not easy to find a new home for them – I will not let them go to some kid who wants to try rabbits for awhile or to some person who thinks they are “cute” and wants to have them in her house as mobile dust catchers because the would quickly get matted and that’s not the responsible thing to do.
I’m still looking for a new place for them and if they were younger it would be easier, but they are well beyond breeding age (Steve would sure like to try, though!) and their wool production is decreasing, so they are not desirable to someone with a money-making (as if!) rabbitry. They are about 85 in human years to give you an idea of their age 🙂 It’s a difficult situation. They need to be outside, protected from rain and wind and predators, and I don’t have a place to keep them secure at the moment, but they are physically fine at M’s house.
That I have to deal with him because of the bunnies is a situation I knew would likely arise and I will deal with it until the buns die a natural death or I can find a new home for them. I know that it gives M false hope every time he sees me that I will come back, but ya know, he gave me false hope that I had found my Prince Charming, so a little bit of payback is in order, dontcha think? He lied to me for years, and continues to do so. Why not pay him back in kind?
Cruel? Dangerous? Yes and yes, but I don’t expect it to go on for long and it just makes me stronger. And it’s not like he has any REAL feelings, it’s all an act, so the hardest thing for him to accept after I give him the final Fuck You will be that he wasted his time with me when he could have been out looking for his next victim. There’s a bit of poetic justice for you 🙂
** Not really related, but earlier in the day I was at Wal-Mart and walked by a display freezer that had frozen alcoholic drinks inside. Handy pouches filled with Pina Coladas, Daiquiris, etc, all ready to pour and drink. At only $1.98 you know I had to try one. Delicious! Not as much alcohol in it as I was hoping for, but a perfect end to a rough day nonetheless 🙂 No, I’m not drinking every day, but once in awhile a little drink does help me sleep better.