I am now three years out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a man I believe has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD.
I started this blog to help order my thoughts about that relationship. The Narc went on a trip and did not tell me when he would be returning, so I hacked his e-mail to see if he had told anyone else what his schedule was. While there, I found notes from a Facebook conversation between him and a woman in Italy. The notes offered her relationship advice, and her replies implied that they had been “talking” about how much alike they were for some time, bemoaning their current relationships and ending with “kisses” and “love.”
The tenor of his notes was very familiar – he had said the very same things, playing the part of the sophisticated, wise, older man, with me.
This shock prompted me to dig out my old journals and read back over the beginning of our relationship. The journals are filled with pain and sadness and despair. I had given up writing in them several years ago as they seemed to be a pitiful chronicle of a life half-lived and I didn’t want to go on.
I then found a long-running e-mail conversation between him and his very first love. She wanted to meet up with him, to “catch up” as mature adults. When confronted about this affair (yes, internet relationships are cheating) he denied it, then lied about it, then lied some more, then told me I was out of my mind for being hurt by his “entertaining” himself online and proceeded to batter me with words into the small hours of early morning.
What was happening to my life?
A bit of internet research finally gave me the language to describe my relationship – emotional abuse. It’s a textbook case – he could have been reading from the Script of the Disordered. I was angry. I refused to be a victim any longer. I took back control of my life, moving out of his house while he was away on yet another solo trip, even going so far as to move to another city. I left some things behind that I regret if I think about it too much, but in the end I had to escape before I lost my soul.
I began this blog anonymously as I cut all ties with the Narc. He did not follow up with the next stage in the Script with a smear campaign against me, so I have not revealed his identity here. He has found a new victim and moved out of state. I very much doubt we will ever have occasion to meet face-to-face, but I like to think I will handle the situation with wit and grace. Or a large hammer. It will depend on my mood that day 🙂
Those of you who have been (or are currently) in an abusive relationship will understand my anger, pain, sadness, despair and know that there comes a point where you just have to say Enough is Enough. I don’t deserve to live like that. No one does!
The fact that so many of us just vanish, don’t stand up to our abusers, let them go on with happy lives while we lose everything, is very telling. This is not something for the victims to be ashamed of – we are smart, loving, self-sacrificing people who were lured into a web of lies by someone who only has their own interests at heart. These monsters must be exposed as what they are before they can ruin someone Else’s life. To that end, I tell my story whenever I can, to whoever will listen.
Our silence allows the Monsters to continue their soul-crushing agenda. Educate yourself, teach your children that monsters don’t look like monsters, and above all, TALK to the people around you who can help you if you find yourself in a bad situation. You feel alone because your abuser has isolated you, but there are millions of us out here, survivors all, who have escaped the bonds of an abusive relationship and we are proof that there is life after abuse. You are worthy. You are important. You are loved.
June 14, 2012 at 1:51 pm
I was able to leave my emotionally abusive X only to discover more lies and people he hurt. I learned through much research, conversations, and text/e-mail reviews that my X is actually a narcissistic sociopath. He is why I started my blog and eventually wrote and published my story of abuse. He made a weak and vain attempt when I first started writing my story on my blog. He paid a lawyer to send me a threatening cease and desist letter. I laughed at it and kept moving forward. I feel vindicated, but I have also helped many women on my journey. I look forward to reading your posts.
June 15, 2012 at 9:49 pm
He accuses me of being vindictive every time I oppose him. Most recently for doing exactly what he suggested that I do. That has me on “pause” for the moment. Then again, do I even care? Doesn’t he deserve a bit of revenge?
June 16, 2012 at 7:43 am
He deserves nothing but a taste of his own nastiness. And if that’s what you mean by revenge, then yes, he deserves it. I know that sounds childish, but having gone through the emotional abuse myself, it does feel good knowing he is finally hurting (even just a little). My X reads my blog every single day. It must be torture for him wondering what I am going to write next. It gives me a sense of pleasure, actually, because he has been getting away with treating women like he treated me for his entire life. I’m sure it won’t end but now friends and family know. He’s probably telling him that I’m a big fat liar, but that’s okay. I know it’s the truth. Besides, how long are they going to keep thinking I’m the liar when I keep adding more and more to my story through my blog and Facebook page? Your act of writing this blog must be VERY cathartic.
June 16, 2012 at 1:54 pm
I’m torn. On the one hand, writing this blog is incredibly cathartic and it’s more than a little satisfying to get my story out there for others to relate to. There will come a day when I cease to be Anon and become the vengeful Woman Scorned, which I can see will be a very empowering day.
OTOH, I don’t see myself as vindictive and I’m not sure I like the idea of becoming that person, which (in my mind) is very similar to the men who hurt me.
Or is that just him “talking?”
Thank you for your comments, Paula. I plan to delve more deeply into your story as soon as I can – it’s such a relief to find someone who can totally relate to the bullshit that men get away with every day and who no longer lays down and stays quiet – you are an inspiration.
June 18, 2012 at 6:19 am
What you’re doing and how it’s helping you will be clearer in time. Emotional abuse is nearly impossible to prove and can’t be prosecuted in our court system today. However, justice can be reached simply by speaking up about what’s happening to us and how we’re being treated. Many people will judge your exercise and say you’re just bashing your husband because you’re going through a rough patch. But people who understand the torture and have experienced similar treatment know what you have been through is abuse. Why would an intelligent woman make up this stuff? She wouldn’t. It’s real. It’s happening. It’s got to stop. If this blog helps it to stop, you’ve found justice in your life. 🙂
June 20, 2012 at 10:50 am
Thank you! You’re right – no intelligent woman would make this up because it sounds totally crazy, feeding the propaganda of the patriarchy and men who are afraid to stand up and be Real Men and accept that women are equals. If just one other person reads this little blog and finds enlightenment about their own situation it will be well worth living a sort of double life to get my words out there.
Surprisingly, writing here has changed my Real Life attitude enough that he is not being so abusive towards me. He might be thinking about it, but he’s keeping his mouth shut and actually listening to me when I speak, much like it was in the beginning of our relationship. Unfortunately, I am now too wise to accept this as the new normal and am suspicious of his motives. Time will tell…
August 15, 2012 at 8:58 am
I nominated you for the Addictive Blog Award. http://paularenee.wordpress.com/2012/08/15/why-i-blog-and-the-addictive-blog-award/
September 18, 2012 at 10:05 am
I just popped over from Looking forward and I know Paula as well. You need to get out of this relationship (I read one post and your “about” page and determined that!). You deserve so much more than this. I know you will go when you are ready. You are not crazy: been there, done that. If you are married, it gets worse with the divorce but in the end You will be so much better off. Good luck. I’ll be checking in on you here and there. You are right that many people won’t understand, but many of us do. I am in your corner pulling for you!
September 20, 2012 at 12:29 pm
Thank you, Janine! I am ready to go (so, so, so ready!) but finding a place to move to has been a slow process. I need for it to go as smoothly as possible so I can keep all my stuff, but if worse comes to worse, I will abandon my material goods. I think I’m at peace with that decision. I’m just so angry that I always have to be the one to leave, that MY life has to be turned upside down to accommodate someone that I have come to hate. The lot of too many women in this country!
September 21, 2012 at 9:46 am
I left a lot behind and my soon-to-be-ex is still in “our” house. He won’t leave, won’t pay for it, won’t sell it. My credit will be destroyed and I will likely never get some of the other stuff left in the house, but I got my most valuable items out: My life and my children’s lives. All self esteem bruised but all returning to good form. Things are replaceable, lives are not. I like to pretend I lost it all in a fire (too bad not him though!). I think of all the people that rebuild after an event like a fire or a tornado, hurricane, mudslide, flood…If they can do it, so can we!
November 17, 2012 at 6:28 am
Thanks for taking the time to document your experience and put it out there for others to read. I’ve gained some new insights from reading through it, and I’m sure many others have as well.
I do hope you are able to take the step you’ve been planning for some time now: leave and declare your independence from your abuser. It’s not for me to say if, when, or how to do it. You’re the one in the situation, and it’s 100% your decision. Once you make that decision and take that step, you’ll have all sorts of support from the people who know what it’s like to be in the position you’ve been in. And at this point, they’re the people that count.
A few more thoughts for your consideration. Maybe none of this is new to you, but I hope it will help to strengthen you in your resolve. So here goes:
There is nothing *you* can do to change *him*. The only way he is going to change is if he takes honest stock of himself, recognizes and admits that he has serious problems within his own self, takes responsibility for his own attitudes, words, and actions, and makes a conscious decision to change *himself*.
While it is possible for that to happen, given how deep into self-deception he is, it’s extremely *unlikely* that it’s going to happen. And there is nothing you can do to make it happen. No matter how clearly you believe you are pointing his problems and his culpability out to him, he simply can’t hear it. Everything you say will be twisted into something that fits into his own utterly self-deceived and false notions about himself.
The only action you could take that might have any impact on him at all would be to leave him.
Fact is, an abusive man really doesn’t give a damn what “his woman” says. All he cares about is whether she is still there, available for use, and under his sway. You can cuss him out, accuse him, tell him what a @#$% loser he is, and stomp around the house screaming, yelling, and slamming doors. But if you sleep with him that night and let him have sex with you, it’s all good as far as he’s concerned. His woman is still his woman (though he’ll likely think and say it in more colorful language). In fact, he *enjoys* it if you’re angry and yelling and telling him what a SOB he is. That means he’s gotten under your skin and is in control of–and superior to–his “emotional, hysterical, immature” woman.
If you leave, you take away the one thing he actually does care about: having you to control, to feel superior to, and to serve him and his needs. And though even your leaving will probably not change him, it’s the only action you could take that would even have the slightest possibility of getting him to the point where he might take an honest look at himself and his own life.
Even if he does change (highly unlikely), his relationship with you is utterly and irrevocably broken. You can never go back to being with him, and he can never go back to being with you. If the highly, extremely unlikely happens, and he actually makes a conscious choice to change himself and become a real man, he will then have to start over with a different partner. The pattern with all of his previous partners has been set, and those relationships can never be recovered. He can never go backward, he can only go forward. (I do speak from personal experience here, having been on the receiving end of verbal abuse in a previous relationship.)
So even though this is not the real reason for you to leave, the best thing you can do *for him* is to leave him and never look back. He has to feel the consequences of his actions if he is ever going to have any hope of reforming himself.
But I truly doubt that he ever will.
The real reason for you to leave is that it’s not good for you to be a victim. You are a good and valid person in your own right. You have things to do with your life. You are here on this earth for a reason. It is not good for you or anyone else for you to allow an abusive, narcissistic person to prevent you from living your life and doing all of the good things you will do for yourself and for others during the rest of your life.
As close as I’ll get to giving “advice” is to suggest that you drop any plans for revenge. Yes, you want to hurt him for everything he’s done for you. And yes, he deserves it.
The problem with revenge is that it keeps you emotionally tied to him. It prevents you from living your own life free from his influence. As long as you’re trying to get back at him, you’re not free from him. He will play that game with you as long as you want. As long as you’re still engaging in catfights with him, he knows he’s still got his claws in you. That’s what he wants.
He will suffer for everything he’s done to you. But he’ll bring that suffering upon himself. You don’t have to do it.
The important thing is for you to stand on your own two feet, take control of your life, and get away from someone whose only interest in you is to control you and use you. Let God or hell or karma or whatever you believe in take care of punishing him for his actions. It’s not your job.
You can be free.
May 18, 2013 at 9:04 am
In a comment on one of your posts, I think I mentioned that I was going to write an article about forgiveness “some day.” That day turned out to be yesterday! Here’s a link to the article on my blog:
“Repentance: The Unpopular Partner of Forgiveness”
Why did I write the article? Because I get tired of hearing perps and jerks telling their victims that they should forgive them when said perps and jerks have no intention of changing their own destructive attitudes and behavior.
In relation to perpetrators of domestic violence and abuse, as I’ve said before, the likelihood that the perps are going to truly repent and change their ways is so low that the victims can generally just assume that their abusers will never change. In other words, when DV is a pattern and not just a one-time event, it almost always destroys a relationship permanently.
May 21, 2013 at 7:57 pm
Excellent post, Lee! Every victim of DV should read this post, really absorb its meaning and then take a long, hard look at their relationship and what their abuser is telling them. Without repentance there can be no forgiveness. That’s the root of the whole discussion. Thank you.
Just Me With . . .
November 25, 2012 at 12:27 pm
I nominated you for a Liebster Award. No pressure. See my blog. Congrats! Keep writing.
November 26, 2012 at 4:34 pm
I write anonymously, too, I feel much more free to say what I want this way. I know about abuse and how it feels to be cheated on with a faceless internet being (or in my case many of them.) I hope blogging brings you the peace it brings me!
November 26, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Exactly! And also, we don’t have to subject the people we know IRL to that awkward situation where they know us and him. And vomiting forth our stories doesn’t go over well in polite company 🙂 But it all needs to come out eventually…
December 18, 2012 at 5:35 pm
I commend you and support you 🙂
December 20, 2012 at 11:26 am
Why all the revenge? What will it actually get you? If you ask me, it’ll be a waste of time. And there will be a risk involved! If you’re not happy about your life; if you feel there is nothing to salvage, just make a clean break and let go. Yes, just like that!
December 20, 2012 at 12:55 pm
I thought I had changed that page! I no longer really want revenge, I just want out. But I want out with all of my Stuff, into a home that I can afford to maintain. I refuse to go slinking home to Mom if I can help it. I’ve been here before, I’ve started over before, and damn it this time I will have some kind of satisfaction!
His friends need to know what a monster he is – he does not deserve to be respected in public when he humiliates me in private, when he talks trash about his “friends” and displays his contempt for all those around him. It’s not fair that he is seen as a Great Guy and will end up being the victim when I leave.
Because the victims of this type of abuse don’t generally speak out, our voices are ignored, our pain is denied, we live a life of quiet desperation at the hands of people who do nothing but use people up and toss them away when they are finished with them. I plan to do something about that, even if it’s only to expose this one monster.
Okay, I guess I do still want a little bit of revenge. Or vindication. Or just recognition for surviving a terrible situation. Or something. Guess I need to re-evaluate my priorities 🙂
December 20, 2012 at 2:53 pm
My suggestion: In your mind and in your planning, separate out revenge from informing people. Forget about revenge. But do consider providing information to people who might be willing to listen, and who would be helped by having that information, or whom you want to know so that they will understand the actions you are taking.
Unfortunately, most of M’s friends probably will not listen to you, and will just turn on you if you try to inform them about his narcissism and abuse. Meanwhile, he will paint you to all of them as a crazy woman spouting crazy nonsense. So it might not be very useful to try to tell his circle of friends and admirers what a monster he is. Most likely you’d just expose yourself to even more attacks and abuse. To use a Biblical image, “Don’t give holy things to dogs, and don’t throw your pearls in front of pigs. They will stomp on the pearls, then turn around and attack you” (Matthew 7:6). It’s harsh, but accurate.
Also, consider that any public shaming of him by name could subject you to lawsuits for slander and libel–especially if he is, as you say, fairly widely known in certain circles. You’d need to be ready to defend with evidence any public statements you made. Truth is a valid defense in slander and libel cases. However, establishing objectively to others that your statements are true can be very difficult. It’s likely to degenerate into a “she says, he says” situation, and your own name can easily get dragged through the mud in the process. So for your own sake, please consider carefully whether you want to name and shame him in public–especially in written form, such as on the Internet.
However, there might be people among your friends and relations who would be willing to listen more privately, and who really should know what you’ve suffered at his hands. And it might be useful to write out a clear statement laying out and summarizing the whole situation from your perspective, both to clarify it in your own mind and to provide to anyone who is truly interested. If you feel the need to publish it on the Internet, it could be written without a name attached, but you could tell particular people who it’s about. That way you would have more control over who reads it with knowledge of the actual person involved, and you would be less likely to subject yourself to lawsuits and counter-attacks. One possibility would be to make it a “page” (rather than a “post”) on this blog.
Having said all that, just getting out at your earliest and best opportunity and leaving the whole thing behind may be the best option of all. Does it really matter what other people think of you compared to your own safety and your own integrity?
Of course, you’re the one in your shoes, so it’s 100% your decision how to proceed. These are just some of my thoughts looking in from the outside. Feel free to ignore any of it that isn’t helpful. Also, I’m not a lawyer, so please don’t consider any of this to be legal advice.
As for recognition as a survivor, you’ve got that in spades right here on this blog! 🙂
December 20, 2012 at 3:58 pm
I had originally thought I would hijack his blog and smear my message far and wide. Then he changed his passwords 🙂 and I gave it some serious thought. People IRL know both of us and read our blogs (I author five) and so a simple message on any one (or all) of my other blogs will reach pretty much everyone who regularly reads him. A cross link from here to there and back again will inform anyone who wants to know about what has been going on. Those who choose to change their relationship with him will do so, whether or not they support me. The rest don’t matter to me.
He has isolated me here, no friends, no family, and I’ve had to make some new friends who are all very supportive of me IRL and who know the score as far as my relationship goes – there’s no point in hiding it, that’s how victims remain victims.
I have no intention of slandering him or setting myself up for legal action. My name is not on anything, so I should have no liabilities.
I will be careful 🙂
December 20, 2012 at 3:07 pm
There is a saying: Be careful what you ask for. You might just get it! 😀
And in our modern world I think perhaps it would be sound advise to urge people to think twice before moving in together? It’s not an easy task to make this work over 30-50 years! And you want to make doubly sure that you start out with the best chances there are.
That means that you really have to know someone! Not only ‘like’ just in the moment.
December 20, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Unfortunately for some of us, that horse got out of the barn a long time ago, and we don’t get a re-do on the past. We do our best, and sometimes we make a mistake. It’s a “live and learn” situation. Been there, done that.
December 20, 2012 at 3:50 pm
And learn, and learn and learn some more 🙂
December 20, 2012 at 3:54 pm
We actually lived separately for a couple of years. We worked together for a year before we ever got romantically involved. I thought I knew him and could live with the occasional quirk and his physical disabilities and PTSD, but it turns out he is much more damaged than I ever knew.
I cannot heal him. I cannot help him. All I can do is change the way I react to him and get myself out of this toxic environment. I have fully embraced the fact that some people are just too broken to be healed by others and am quickly overcoming the guilt that I feel at having “failed” him. I have to heal myself before I can be any good to anyone else. At this point I am really looking forward to living a solitary life. My old cat died 1.5 years ago and I’m thinking of getting another and I don’t even care if people want to call me a Crazy Cat Lady – there’s a lot to be said for the healing powers of animals 🙂
December 20, 2012 at 3:24 pm
😀 Yesss! I know! I only wrote this ’cause you said something about starting anew!
And I’m sure you won’t be making the same mistakes over again? Then it would be all for nothing!
December 20, 2012 at 3:49 pm
I have no intention of making the same mistakes again. In fact, M and I got together because he said that he understood that I had been hurt in the past, he swore that he had “spent a lifetime learning what NOT to do in a relationship, how NOT to hurt people,” and he was so convincing that I bought into his lies. He swore that what I really needed was a relationship based on “true intimacy,” really getting to know someone inside and out. When he started interrogating me about past relationships, including wanting details about the abuse at my father’s hands, I really should have seen the red flag, but I believed him when he said that I needed to work through past hurts and that it was safe to confide in him. It was all lies, very cleverly phrased to make me think that he would be understanding and help me to heal. It was all ammunition for his destruction of me.
Because of his lies, I wanted to get all of my “dirty laundry” out in public so that anyone and everyone could read about it online and there would be no secrets to come back to haunt me later. It has been wonderfully cathartic (and I’m not nearly done yet!) and healing in a way that was totally unexpected.
I thank each and every one of you who has read my story and commented and offered support. It means so much to be validated and understood.
December 20, 2012 at 4:23 pm
I guess that’s how psycotics work? A dangerous breed that have the ability to destroy just about anyone. But – contrary to what you might believe, – there are real people out there! It is absolutely possible to succeed! So don’t loose faith! If you loose that, he has really put you in a ‘prison’.
A digital hug from me. And happy Christmas!
December 28, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Hey Sofia, thank you for coming along to my blog, just been reading a few of your posts and just wanted to say how very brave you are. Never believe you’re a “selfish bitch”, I hope you find the courage to expose/leave this person when you feel you can. All my love xxx
December 28, 2012 at 4:04 pm
The day is nigh! 🙂 Thanks for stopping by and stay tuned for happier crap in 2013…
December 28, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Yay! Haha I look forward to it, same from me! 🙂
the curtain raiser
December 28, 2012 at 11:35 pm
Hi Sofia, thanks for swinging past my blog also. I’m looking forward to reading how 2013 develops for you. I’m not in an abusive relationship, but am on a one woman mission to rid my life of tolerating passive aggressive behaviour. Happy New Year to you.
January 15, 2013 at 3:31 pm
I’m so sorry he’s putting you through this. It sounds like he’s a narcissist. You’re right when you say, you don’t deserve this, no one does. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you for visiting my blog 🙂
January 21, 2013 at 6:42 pm
Hello here is my friends undercover site…I have to let people know privately as he has found me and is bullying me now… http://bwitzwl.wordpress.com/about/
January 23, 2013 at 7:07 pm
You need to read the book “Life Code…The New Rules for Winning in the Real World” by Dr. Phil McGraw….oh my God where was this book when I needed it 42 yrs ago!!! I would not have married my abusive husband and have 2 abusive children now!!! Thank God I got free , was single 8 yrs…TOOK MY TIME…2nd husband is nothing like the first and he just shakes his head that my kids are being as abusive as their dad was and don’t get it that you don’t treat people with disrespect
January 29, 2013 at 5:19 pm
I haven’t heard from you today so I just wanted to check up and make sure that you’re okay. xo
January 29, 2013 at 7:05 pm
All is well. Operation Make Sofia Happy is well underway 🙂
January 29, 2013 at 8:07 pm
February 3, 2013 at 3:42 pm
i hope you’re doing okay, thinking of you xo
February 23, 2013 at 11:08 am
i haven’t heard from you in a while, is everything okay?
February 26, 2013 at 5:23 pm
I have moved my blog to: notwendysdave.wordpress.com
It’s not as much about narcissism but that’s the new “secret site” where I hope to blog in peace!
February 26, 2013 at 7:40 pm
April 1, 2013 at 8:02 pm
I’m thinking of you and I hope you are doing okay. xo
April 2, 2013 at 8:41 am
I’m fine, just managed to catch the nasty cold going around and if I’m not medicated to be at work I’ve been sleeping.
April 2, 2013 at 8:56 am
that’s what i was wondering, you mentioned in your last blog you were getting sick. i hope you feel better soon!! xo
April 5, 2013 at 8:22 pm
Almost normal, just in time for a road trip to The Big City to drop Awana off at the airport. Teriyaki chicken, here I come!
April 5, 2013 at 8:26 pm
I wish I were almost normal and i’m not talking about a cold..lol
Have a great trip and some chicken for me!! xo Good to hear you’re better!
May 12, 2013 at 1:26 pm
Very understandable – these people always hide behind the mask of being caring and nurturing.
May 12, 2013 at 3:50 pm
It’s how they suck us in…
Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey
June 13, 2013 at 11:14 pm
Hello, never be afraid to be who you are, to tell your story or worry about what others will think of you as you tell the truth of your experience. Unless one has been involved with a socio-path they do not understand how deep the well of evil really is. Blessings and great healing to you on your journey to reclaiming your soul and your life.
June 14, 2013 at 9:07 am
Thank you. It’s hard to speak out when the people around you not only deny what you say, but they deny that “things like that” happen at all. They just don’t want to hear it. Because they don’t like my views, they don’t want to listen to me. Sigh. It makes me tired.
Just Another Canadian Gurl
August 15, 2013 at 7:00 am
So glad I found your blog!!! I too have been in 2 abusive relationships. The first one was more financial/emotional,,,and the 2nd was emotional,,,,and I took it until he put his hands on me. I still haven’t posted on my blog about it. I did as you did. Packed up and left everything, it’s not many a day that I don’t miss some of my material “stuff”, but I never have looked back.
I think that the day is coming when I will finally be able to post about this abuse.
I look forward to reading your blog, and getting to know you better,,,and hopefully we will be good friends!
Your a strong woman from what I’ve read so far!
August 15, 2013 at 8:30 am
Thanks for stopping by my little corner of the interwebs 🙂
It’s amazing how many women stay in an abusive relationship until he “puts his hands on” them. That seems to be the Final Straw, the thing that makes the hell they have been through Actual Abuse in their minds. The fact is, the stuff that led up to a physical confrontation is so much worse and the aftereffects can last forever. I wish more people understood that.
We ALL have to speak out and shed light on the monsters who perpetuate abuse. Writing about my abusive relationships here has been hard (and, like you, there are some things I haven’t shared in detail) but also very freeing. It’s all out there and can no longer be held over my head as a way to “keep me in line” for fear it will be revealed in future.
I am glad that you’re out of your abusive relationships and I wish you happiness in your life.
Is Everyone an Idiot but Me?
September 13, 2013 at 8:29 am
I’m having trouble replying to your question from my site, but to answer your question – it can be current or have happened a while ago! It’s very open ended!
October 18, 2013 at 12:28 pm
Just found you via your guest post and am going to poke around your site for a bit– your story sounds familiar, VERY VERY familiar. I’m glad you’re writing through it.
November 6, 2013 at 12:53 pm
A lot of what you write about wholeheartedly resonates with me. When I left a long, painfully abusive relationship I struggled to articulate the emotional torture he put me through. But, reading your blog shows me that writing is a healing process that helps us understand what happened to us. The more I read, the more I understand that my abuser was a narcissist (among other things!). Finding other people that have survived a relationship with an N – heart and soul (mostly) in-tact is very good to know. Thank you for sharing. Keep being strong, lady!
December 9, 2013 at 8:24 am
So you decided to join the small clan of Uncle Spike followers, sometimes known as The Spikey’s…. That makes me a happy blogger now – I really appreciate you making that special mouse click.
Hope you like my upcoming posts and if you get bored one day, maybe you’ll enjoy trawling through some of my older stuff too.
If you have any likes, dislikes or suggestions about my blog, just let me know, either through ‘comments’ or via email. Always welcome reader input 🙂
Have a great old day…
December 9, 2013 at 8:32 am
Oh, yes – I think we are kindred spirits. After reading the post about the chooks and where they lay their eggs, I can see you have many wonderful stories to tell 🙂
February 10, 2014 at 3:07 am
Hi there- your blog shows love, humanity, and compassion in your own authentic voice. For that reason, I’ve nominated you for the Shauny Award for Blogging Excellence. http://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com/2014/02/10/shauny-award-for-blogging-excellence/
Battered Wife Seeking Better Life
February 25, 2014 at 9:54 pm
Sofia, I have nominated you…
March 2, 2014 at 3:58 am
Thank you so much for writing your experience down, and for leaving it up here! I have a friend who’s in an abusive relationship, and I have very little idea of what happens to her, because ever since I’ve figured out what she was hinting at, we’ve had very little contact (no doubt because her abuser really hates her talking to me and because her communications are being monitored). I’ve read plenty of books about abuse, but reading a day-to-day account of what’s going on in such a relationship is really valuable for me to understand her better, and makes it easier for me to continue to send her short cheerful e-mails to let her know I’m not forgetting her.
From what little I know about her life, I have the impression she’s detaching from her abuser. It gives me hope to read about how you started to record your arguments with your ex, started your blog to reach out to people, because that means she’s probably doing something similar.
I’m very glad that you got out and that you’re doing so much better. Go on with being awesome!
Battered Wife Seeking Better Life
April 2, 2014 at 5:16 am
I’ve nominated you for the Brave Heart Award: http://wp.me/p3UZPT-qt
Stand Strong You Are Not Alone
I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are losing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.
Each step you take you are not alone.
April 4, 2014 at 9:55 am
Thank you for the award! I really need to get an acknowledgement post up soon…
Battered Wife Seeking Better Life
April 4, 2014 at 3:51 pm
You’re welcome. I still have two more awards to do myself…it’s so gratifying but completely exhausting. Lol.
Télécharger Watch Dogs Gratuitement
June 11, 2014 at 3:57 am
My partner and I stumbled over here from a different web page and thought I might check things out.
I like what I see so i am just following you. Look forward to checking out your web page repeatedly.
April 3, 2015 at 3:50 pm
Just found your blog a couple of months ago. Is there a way to PM you, Sofia?
April 3, 2015 at 6:43 pm
Welcome, Delaina! My email addy is iwonttakeit at live dot com. Please feel free to drop me a note anytime.
April 4, 2015 at 2:38 am
May 29, 2015 at 10:05 am
I totally understand. My husband is an emotional abuser as well and I’m reaching the limits of my tolerance for it.
May 29, 2015 at 10:46 am
Good luck to you as you move away from him and his lies. Be strong!