I am now three years out of an emotionally abusive relationship with a man I believe has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD.
I started this blog to help order my thoughts about that relationship. The Narc went on a trip and did not tell me when he would be returning, so I hacked his e-mail to see if he had told anyone else what his schedule was. While there, I found notes from a Facebook conversation between him and a woman in Italy. The notes offered her relationship advice, and her replies implied that they had been “talking” about how much alike they were for some time, bemoaning their current relationships and ending with “kisses” and “love.”
The tenor of his notes was very familiar – he had said the very same things, playing the part of the sophisticated, wise, older man, with me.
This shock prompted me to dig out my old journals and read back over the beginning of our relationship. The journals are filled with pain and sadness and despair. I had given up writing in them several years ago as they seemed to be a pitiful chronicle of a life half-lived and I didn’t want to go on.
I then found a long-running e-mail conversation between him and his very first love. She wanted to meet up with him, to “catch up” as mature adults. When confronted about this affair (yes, internet relationships are cheating) he denied it, then lied about it, then lied some more, then told me I was out of my mind for being hurt by his “entertaining” himself online and proceeded to batter me with words into the small hours of early morning.
What was happening to my life?
A bit of internet research finally gave me the language to describe my relationship – emotional abuse. It’s a textbook case – he could have been reading from the Script of the Disordered. I was angry. I refused to be a victim any longer. I took back control of my life, moving out of his house while he was away on yet another solo trip, even going so far as to move to another city. I left some things behind that I regret if I think about it too much, but in the end I had to escape before I lost my soul.
I began this blog anonymously as I cut all ties with the Narc. He did not follow up with the next stage in the Script with a smear campaign against me, so I have not revealed his identity here. He has found a new victim and moved out of state. I very much doubt we will ever have occasion to meet face-to-face, but I like to think I will handle the situation with wit and grace. Or a large hammer. It will depend on my mood that day 🙂
Those of you who have been (or are currently) in an abusive relationship will understand my anger, pain, sadness, despair and know that there comes a point where you just have to say Enough is Enough. I don’t deserve to live like that. No one does!
The fact that so many of us just vanish, don’t stand up to our abusers, let them go on with happy lives while we lose everything, is very telling. This is not something for the victims to be ashamed of – we are smart, loving, self-sacrificing people who were lured into a web of lies by someone who only has their own interests at heart. These monsters must be exposed as what they are before they can ruin someone Else’s life. To that end, I tell my story whenever I can, to whoever will listen.
Our silence allows the Monsters to continue their soul-crushing agenda. Educate yourself, teach your children that monsters don’t look like monsters, and above all, TALK to the people around you who can help you if you find yourself in a bad situation. You feel alone because your abuser has isolated you, but there are millions of us out here, survivors all, who have escaped the bonds of an abusive relationship and we are proof that there is life after abuse. You are worthy. You are important. You are loved.