This Weekend

M and I are going away this weekend. We will be in an uncomfortable truck for 16 hours round trip. There will be ample opportunity for all kinds of shit, and in a way I am looking forward to it.

I know – y’all think I’m crazy!

He was willing to cancel the trip after last weekend, but I said that I want to go, and here’s why – we will be meeting with a group of people who M really likes. They seem to like him as well. This is a very educated group, very liberal and open-minded, many of them in long, dedicated relationships. I doubt very much that they would still respect M if they knew how he treats me.

We will be spending two nights with a very nice couple who like to talk. They talk a lot, about many, many subjects. This is the weekend that I open my mouth and share my opinions. This is the weekend that M gets the Real Me, uncensored, in public, all bets off.

He has forgotten what an acid tongue I can have. He has forgotten that I have independent thoughts and know how to communicate them. He has forgotten that people like me and enjoy talking with me. He has forgotten that I am not his shadow, his slave, his plaything to abuse how he sees fit, but a whole other person with thoughts, dreams and desires.

He has forgotten. I have remembered, and I feel like sharing…

No worries – I have enough cash to get myself out of any trouble he thinks he can put me in. I do not fear for my physical safety – just let him try to get physical with me! If anything that happens this weekend leads to a Final Break in our relationship, so much the better.

 

Birthdays

M likes to make a big deal of birthdays. He thinks that the birthday person should be treated all day – gifts, special dinner, etc.

He has a birthday coming up next week. Every year I tie myself in knots to find a meaningful, thoughtful gift to give him. Every year it’s never quite right. Most of the time it’s not even close.

On my last birthday I got nothing. As the day wore on, and he didn’t even wish me a Happy Birthday, I became a little down. Usually he buys me a box of chocolates. This year he gave me a lecture. Since I hadn’t been treating him very well, he felt that I did not deserve a birthday present. “Hurts, don’t it?” he asked, and left the room.

On my last birthday he had the following exchange with his “stalker” in Italy:

Him: If we lived closer, I could teach you some boatbuilding myself. An you could teach me how to sing. (and speak Italian)

Her: that would be nice. kind of you. sounds… confortably. 🙂
italian is not so difficult.

Him: I have trouble with languages. I speak with my heart.

Her: i know you have. but your heart is good enough.
better to speak with it than with a tongue,be sure.

Nice, huh?

So my question for you is this: should I repay him in kind this year?

 

$50,000

That’s what he says I owe him – half of what he paid for the house we both live in. He also feels that I owe him the $20,000 that he lost with the sale of the last house, but he’s willing to write that off as a bad investment since it was his idea.

How do you all feel about this?

I had no knowledge of this house, no say in its purchase, no desire to live here, but here I am. Do I owe him anything?

He has a really good story about how he came to purchase this house and end up living here, but not one bit of it is in any way my “fault.” I had nothing to do with it, but he insists that the only reason he even has a house right now is because of me, and I owe him.

In fact, he would be living on a boat right now if it weren’t for the women in his life who wanted to live on land.* He is bitter towards his ex for “insisting” that he build her a house. He says that she agreed to buy the materials and he agreed to do the work, but (surprise!) he feels that she did not hold up her end of the bargain.

Now he feels that if I want to say, “but, the house is paid for, it’s not an expense we have to budget for,” it’s only fair that I own half of it because it’s money that he’s already spent. He would be happy to get a market estimate for what the house would likely sell for (at my expense) and use that as a base number and go with me to a bank to have an amortization schedule drawn up and I could pay him on contract.

Does any sane person feel this way? If you moved in with your mate, did he ask that you pay  him half the expense of the house you share? Am I wrong to be appalled by this? I had a perfectly good rental that I would have stayed in, a job that more than paid my bills, but he insisted that the rental was not good enough, and so he ended up losing money. Now I feel like I’m the one being made to pay for something that I never wanted in the first place. Something that I told him I thought was a bad idea, but he insisted that he knew better. Turns out he didn’t, and now I have to pay?

Is my point of view skewed on this one?

* So why didn’t he choose a sailing woman for a mate? Oh, yeah, they’re all too wise to his Narc ways and wouldn’t have looked at him twice.

 

The Magazine Subscription

While I was buttering my toast at breakfast today, M said, “You need to decide if this magazine is worth keeping. The bill is on your desk.” It’s a magazine that he paid for, he reads, and he passes on to me to read when he’s finished. It is not a magazine that we can discuss or enjoy together because I don’t have “the proper background to understand the subtle nuances of the writing,” nor do I “understand the political biases of the authors.” Obviously I am an idiot.

“I’ll have to take a look and see how much I like it,” was my reply.

Immediate blow-up! By not asking his opinion I am making a decision without his input, totally disregarding his feelings. I am a selfish bitch who doesn’t care for him at all. Which, by the way, is exactly how I have treated him all these years, he says.

This led to more than 5 hours of crap again today. Round and round we go. I kept repeating, “when you  yell at me it hurts my feelings and I can’t continue with the conversation,” and “when you dismiss my feelings and opinions I don’t care to share them with you again,” and “when you start to ‘debate’ with me about something I shut down because you are aggressive and threatening and that’s how I react to people who are aggressive towards me.”

And we’re back to me acting “childish” once again. So I started yelling. He wants to know, well here it is – he is an ass. He treats people like shit, with me on the top of his list. His ideas about money are flawed. His constant whining about how his life sucks is a total downer that I do not believe is true and I refuse to buy into it. Any “gift” he gives comes with strings and that’s why no one wants anything from him. HE sets the value on things that others do for him and they feel cheated because he has such a high opinion of himself when the time comes to reciprocate.

I told him that I resent that he dismisses my ideas and philosophy and that he tells me every day how much he CAN’T rely on me for anything. I said that it’s bullshit that his life is at “rock bottom” and he needs to get a grip.

And then I tried to stop the bullshit. I said that I really need for this to be done for today, that I can’t take any more. I left the room. He followed. He started in again.

He is the way he is because of the Principles being “beaten into” him. The things that he holds most valuable about himself are the things that others seem to hate about him, so what is he supposed to do? Just change his whole way of thinking? Lower his standards? Admit that he’s not always right? All this with crocodile tears and much anguished gesturing.

He’s broke! He can’t hold a regular job! Everything that he’s tried to do to make money has failed! What if the roof starts to leak this Winter? What are we going to do? I outlined a perfectly sound plan that he promptly shot holes into.

I gave up. I tuned out. I refused to look at him. I reminded him of an appointment he needed to keep.

He finally left, in tears, with one more plea for me to be sympathetic to this poor, broken man.

I said what I had to say to get him to leave. I feel raped. Srsly. Totally violated without him having laid a hand on me.

 

The Old Lover

As promised, there is more. The conversation about M’s “hurt feelings” (turns out he was “looking forward very much” to going to the Event with me) turned into something else before we were through because I could not hold in my anger about his secret correspondence with his “old lover (who [he] still care[s] for.)” I am not proud that I lost my temper, but his reaction was quite educational.

Here’s how it went down.

I said that I was not mad about the Event, that I did not invite him because I was mad that he was in touch with a former lover and had been for months and he was keeping it a secret even after all his lectures to me about how dangerous it was to be in contact with people who meant a lot to you in the past – he is old and wise enough to understand that if something is going to happen, it’s going to happen and he has no power to change that. I was not to be in contact with any way with a former lover or he would be very upset, as “these things” can so easily lead to much more.

I told  him that I’ve known about his contact with her since I saw his notes sending “love and kisses” to Italy. I said that I knew she asked him to meet with her when she made her annual trip to the coast. I said that he could very well have made that meeting since I am at work so much, but that I also know he would never admit it so nevermind.

I could see the wheels turning in his head. He thought he had control of the situation when he told me that he told  her a meeting was not going to take place, and that she cut off all communication after that.

I told him that he was lying – he had a note from her three days ago asking why she hadn’t heard from him after his last trip. Deer in the headlights ain’t in it. I said it was obvious that he was in touch with her and had been for months, all the while hiding it from me and acting suspicious about me and projecting his guilt onto me any chance he got.

Long sob story about how he treated her badly all those years ago and he thought that she didn’t really care for him then and that his leaving wouldn’t hurt her but evidently it did and she’s been devastated ever since, wondering about him, blah, blah, blah. Now he feels that he owes her something after the careless way he ended their relationship and can’t just cut her off. I asked if he understood that he was giving her hope and that it was totally out of line for him to do so.

More sob story about how he feels sorry for her that her husband is suffering from Alzheimer’s, just like his Grandmother did, and how he just wants to help in any way he can.

I asked if he realized that he had a relationship with her that runs counter to what he claims are his Principles and did he not think that I would be harmed by that?

Total confusion. He really doesn’t see that he’s doing anything wrong. I am a bitch for not understanding. He met her when I was 2, and left her when I was 6 – how could I think that there was anything there?

And on and on. He says that I am being unreasonable. He was wrong to keep it a secret, but he just knew that I would react “this way” and so he was trying to avoid that. Ya think?!?

Oh, he’s got balls, that’s a fact.

This went on and on for about 6 hours, ending at 3:00 AM. I believe that was also planned. I believe he hoped that I would be too tired to drive 2.5 hours to the Event, effectively ruining it for me and validating his view that if I had just invited him like I was supposed to we would both be happy. As if.

Never one to refrain from beating a dead horse, he started up again the next morning. For 2 hours. Made me late leaving for the Event and ensured that I would be pissed off for the long drive.

But it’s not over yet.

 

Invitations

Yesterday there was an Event. One that I look forward to every year. Last year we went camping. I told M that this year I was going to attend my Event, and there was no way I wanted to go camping. Fine. I told him that some friends were going to be there and I would like to meet up with them and visit for awhile. I took a day off work. I talked about the Event for a month. At no time did he express any interest whatsoever except to whine that I was going to be gone all day.

The thing is, I did not invite him, and that hurt his feelings.

If I want to include M in any of my activities I have to issue a formal invitation. I have to say, “would you like to do X with me?” If he wants to join me, he will say so, and if he doesn’t, he will say so and I am not allowed to have hurt feelings no matter what he decides. If the formal invitation is not issued he will not respond until it’s time to go and whatever his response is it will be a blow-up of some kind, sure to kill my enthusiasm for whatever activity I had planned.

He will not invite me to join him for ANYTHING. Ever. He will mention a date (or have me look up a date if it happens to be coordinated online) and that is pretty much it. If I show any enthusiasm and am not rebuffed, I can go along, but I always feel like I’m inviting myself where I’m not wanted. He says that I have a Standing Invitation to join him whenever I like. He says that he invites me to do things with him “all the time,” but that is a lie. I have to make plans, take time off work, pack, cook, whatever, but he will not invite me. If I act like he’s going on his own, he acts hurt because I don’t want to join him.

So. I did not invite him because I really wanted to go alone and when he went with me two years ago it was a huge trial. You see, he had to combine the trip with buying a boat trailer – saving gas and all that, which is fine, but we had to go get the trailer first. We drove for 3 hours, picked up the trailer (with the obligatory male bullshit that attends all such missions) and then drive back towards home for half an hour to the Event location. By that time it was late afternoon and quite hot. Of course we had the dogs in the van (which had very poor dog ventilation) so we couldn’t stay long. And it was hot. And he was hungry but the lines at concessions were too long for him to stand and wait*, but he couldn’t walk around looking at stuff with me because that makes his foot swell – he will just go way over there and sit under that shady tree and wait for me. Sounds fine, right? Not at all. What he was really saying was that he was done and wanted to go home. For every minute that I “abandoned” him he would torture me for an hour. It is a common occurrence.

I rushed through the Event, bought some things that I really needed and headed back to him as fast as I could, hoping to avoid what I knew would come next – The Ride Home. If you’ve spent any time at all with one of these assholes you know exactly what I’m talking about. ‘Nuff said. It was awful.

To cut this ramble off before I start screaming, he made such a huge deal about hating everything about that day that I assumed he would not want to repeat the experience and would not be hurt. After all, he hadn’t shown any enthusiasm up to this point, so he must not want to go, right?

Sigh. Friday night he started a fight with me over my “not inviting” him to the Event. I was so angry after reading that his “old lover (who [he] still care[s] for)” is still in touch that it finally just came out. He was drilling me about not inviting him and then being mad that his feelings were hurt and I just couldn’t take it. I said, “You’re right – my anger is not about what you’re complaining about right now. My anger is over your lies and hypocrisy – you’re in contact with an old lover, you’re keeping it secret and I do believe I have the right to be angered by that.”

Deer in the headlights. I did not have my recorder, alas. His excuses, tears, denials, deflecting gaslighting, yelling and lying went on for hours. Until 3:00 AM in fact. I was wrung out, but I got to say what I had to say. When he asked if I wanted to leave, I told him no, because I don’t want to be living in my car. When he asked if I wanted him to leave, I said no, because I don’t want to start a war that I can’t win.

I drove, alone, 2.5 hours each way on three hours of sleep just to say that I did and to defy him. I told him that I had a great time and will work up a long, detailed blog post to prove it.

He offered to sell me the house again today. Just how is that supposed to work, I wonder?

There’s more, but I have to go for now…

* Again, I am not discounting his disabilities AT ALL, but I do think he uses them to his advantage whenever it suits him.

 

Border Dispute

Last Winter a tree fell on M’s van during a wind storm and caused $400 worth of damage that we really didn’t have the funds to pay for. The tree was located on the neighbor’s property and their insurance did not cover the “act of god” that made the tree blow over.

The trees between our houses have been an issue since M bought the house. They are too tall and are a hazard in the frequent storms that we see in the cold, wet months. Last year M and I helped clean up after some of the trees were felled. M has done this sort of work before, but is not physically able to do it now. It was three days of very hard work for nothing more than a bit of bad firewood and a small pile of wood chips.

Because I am stupid I have not been involved in the discussions about the trees with the neighbors so I only know M’s side of the story. The other day Wife Neighbor (WN) came over, pounded on the door and when we didn’t answer (being still in bed) she left. M got dressed and went over to see what was up. They had hired someone to take out some trees and thought we should move our cars out of the driveway. Talk about short notice! M said that he told her if another tree fell onto our property he would sue.

Husband Neighbor (HN) came by a bit later to say that they had called off the tree fallers (we were moving the now-dead van, towing it down to the lower driveway) and wanted to know if M could recommend anyone who was cheaper.

It was plain to me that HN has the same role in his relationship that I have in mine – the Peacekeeper. WN is a very domineering woman, shouting everyone down, convinced that her ideas and opinions are the only correct views and only idiots disagree with her. She is used to being in control and will do whatever it takes to keep the upper hand, including saying that we are encroaching over her property line. HN was there to smooth over whatever was said between M and WN before things got out of hand.

Later that day I observed to M that we all know how the insurance companies work. The four of us should be able to sit down, draft a letter expressing our concern to the neighbors about the trees (they don’t have the money it would take to get all of the trees taken out at once) that would be sent to their insurance company, who would then be a little more likely to pay up in the event of another accident, all without starting a property line war.

M scotched that idea – he knows what he is doing! There is nothing That Woman understands but a firm hand and threats. There is no reasoning with her. Huh. Sounds familiar.

Meanwhile, the neighbors on the other side (he is another borderline – we hear him yelling at his wife in the yard all the time) are getting ready to build a fence on what they “think” is the property line. Of course, M is convinced that they are wrong, but the only way to be absolutely sure is to get a survey, which he won’t do. Nor will either of the other neighbors. It’s “too expensive” and of course someone will have to be wrong, which is unacceptable.

If the normal, reasonable spouses could get together, I’m sure we could come up with a solution to these issues that is acceptable to everyone, but that will never happen.
OTOH, what the fuck do I care? I hope to be out of here before the Winter winds blow and then it will be M’s problem. He said to me yesterday that he’s “all alone out here,” that I am not concerned about these Important Issues or him or our relationship or anything but what’s going on inside my head.

Guess he’s noticed that I’ve distanced myself from his bullshit…

 

It’s all the little things…

…that show how little he cares for me.

There are a hundred little things I do for M every day that go unremarked. Things like hang up his bath towel on the rod so it dries out, folding and putting away the laundry, vacuuming the house, making his breakfast tea just the way he likes it and bringing it to his computer so he doesn’t have to get up, keeping the kitchen counters clear, agreeing with him that his music is so much better than mine, cooking meals that he especially likes or has asked for, doing the shopping (which he hates) and buying the products he prefers, even if they cost a little more or are not what I particularly like, watching TV only when he’s in the mood, and only shows that he approves of. You know, all those things that make up the constant daily battle that is living with another person.

We don’t have a lot of money, so I do these little things for him because I feel that they are important everyday reminders that you care for your partner. He would probably prefer gifts, but you all know how I feel about that!

In return, he leaves my bath towel on the peg – where it never dries without smelling musty.

He runs the washing machine and dryer – filling both too full, resulting in dingy, damp clothes that have to be dealt with by someone. Not him, obviously.

He claims (after 11 years of watching me) that he has no idea how to make me a cup of tea and doesn’t even try. Not after a long week of work, not as a special treat, not ever. Ever.

Any time I play music, whether it’s recorded or on my violin, he complains endlessly about the quality of my speakers, the content, the artist, the genre, the inferiority of the recording, etc, etc, etc. When I play he brings up YouTube videos of famous fiddlers and asks why I can’t “play like her.” The answer is that “she” studied at Julliard and has been playing for over 30 years. Duh. Never a kind word or comment on my improvement. Well, occasionally I do get a backhanded compliment, but that hardly counts, right?

He never (and I do mean never) says Thank You after he has eaten a meal that I’ve prepared.* He does critique it, letting me know how I can improve it next time, which is probably, in his twisted mind, the same thing. Or even better.

He never helps me unload the groceries from the car and put them away. In fact, he never comes to greet me when I come home, but I am expected to run out to his truck and ask if I can carry anything inside for him. He’s tired, after all.

If I dare to watch a favorite show on TV he keeps up a very loud running commentary, “You would think the writers could come up with better lines! You call that acting! What is this show supposed to be about, anyway?” From.the.next.room. It doesn’t stop until I turn the TV off. Oh, and knitting while watching TV is not allowed as the “nervous fiddling” is distracting and “rude.”

I’ve been noticing these little things more and more in recent months and can’t help reflecting that it says a lot about the health of a relationship.

* He once told me (sorry if I’ve mentioned this before, but it really sticks in my craw) that he is very careful to dole out compliments and thanks to people who work for him so that they will treasure them and work harder to get more. He said it with a gleam in his eye that I should have taken more notice of. He will say something nice about my cooking if we have company for the meal, and he never hesitates to say something if a conversation with friends veers off into cooking. But that’s all about his Image, isn’t it? Asshole.

 

Money Makes Everything Better

I got an e-mail last week telling me that my former Boss was dissolving the company’s retirement plan. I’ve been letting the money sit there, increasing and decreasing in value, for about eight years now. A couple of years ago it was worth pretty much nothing, but the last statement I received showed marked improvement. The way the old plan worked I really couldn’t access the cash very easily and there were stiff penalties for early withdrawal. I opted to leave it alone in the hope that it would grow.

Since I am no longer an employee with the company, my money has to be moved somewhere else. One option is into an IRA account that I have very easy access to. I can call them up and they will cut a check. Any time. I will have to pay taxes, but the penalties are almost nil.

M listened to the phone conversation with the financial planner. The account holds well over $10K at the moment.

He’s been all Sweetness and Light for the last three days, asking me what I plan to do with all that cash as I’ve never had that much in one place at one time in all my life (be sure to read that with a huge condescending accent.) Protestations of love and devotion are just flying out of his mouth. He even apologised for yelling at me this morning!*

The paperwork is on the way and I should have access to my cash within two weeks.

* It was about soap. He insists that he must use antibacterial soap. He’s out. I could give a shit. There is plenty of hand-made goat’s milk soap in the house, but he refuses to even try it.

 

Fresh Shit

I got a rare chance to check M’s e-mail while he was occupied in another room last night. He is still in touch with his “old lover (that [he] still care[s] about.)” She is disappointed that he hasn’t sent her a note since returning from his latest trip. i actually snuck up on him (he was blasting music from YouTube) and caught him looking at FB. He closed the tab right quick, but neglected to log out of anything before getting distracted.

So i re-joined FB under my real identity this AM before leaving for work. Wonder how he will deal with my new “attitude?” I expect some sort of backlash, but what’s good for the gander is good for the goose, no? I will refuse to de-friend my HS sweetheart on the grounds that he is friends with and in contact with an old lover. Let’s see if I can start a war before our next scheduled trip 🙂