Gotta Bounce…

It’s time to get packed for yet another weekend away from Towanda. Now that the Narc is out of the picture, Sabu and I have become quite the Social Butterflies! Knitting pictures over on Travels with Towanda.

I just discovered that Sabu will chase the red laser light. OMG! I’m laughing so hard right now!

Anyway. Tomorrow (Saturday) marks 6 months away from the Narc! I thought it would feel more momentous, but I simply don’t have time to dwell on it any more. I certainly don’t feel sad, or like I made a mistake or am missing out on something. I feel pretty darned happy, actually. All.the.time. Happy, happy, happy. It’s amazing and wonderful and humbling in a way.

I look back and can’t quite believe that was my life. I will continue with the Narc…and posts because I want people to understand what it’s like to live with that kind of constant stress. I want people to be able to recognize a monster when they see one, to get out much sooner than I did, to understand that no one has to live that way – we all deserve so much better!

I also feel pretty strongly that I need to unmask, share my real identity with my readers here. I have a whole Other Life and it’s starting to overlap here. It’s confusing to talk to people who know me IRL, because I’m not sure what stories I’ve told and what they know about me. There are very few people who know me IRL and who read here, everyone else is out of one loop or the other and I’m having trouble keeping track 🙂

Of course, if I reveal my identity here, it means unmasking the Narc as well. It means putting up a post on my other blogs explaining my long absence and the Narc has those blogs in his live feed so he will know when I post. If I link from there to here it means the Narc will follow and know what I did, when I planned everything and how I live now. I just don’t know how to approach the subject.

What say you?

 

Morning Walk

Living in an RV does not provide any yard space for an active dog to romp in. Awana works nights, coming home around 0700, and she wants to exercise before she has to sleep for her next shift, so Sabu and I have been joining her on morning walks, weather and energy levels (mine) permitting.

This morning it’s sunny and still and we set off down the hill to the local bay front where we were rewarded with this view of the local fishing boats with the bridge in the background –

Water like glass, sea lions barking in the distance. I think it’s safe at this point to say that I’m located on the Central Oregon Coast in a beautiful seaside community that I am learning to like a little more each day now that the Narc Cloud isn’t hanging over my head 24/7. I think at least one of my readers is located in Washington? Unmask via e-mail if you like 🙂 iwonttakeit@live.com

Awana and Sabu in the sunshine –

An hour or so walking along the bay front today did wonders for my attitude. Sabu is pretty happy, too, as you can see 🙂 A quick shower, vacuum up the dog hair and we’re off to work. I hope you all are having a lovely Sunday.

Goddess – the post I commented on disappeared? Care to continue via e-mail?

 

Narc Update

M has been love bombing me with e-mail, pretending to be the man I fell for. If I were a different person, I might be tempted to go back, at least for a trial, but I am a bitch and only laugh and/or shake my head at his antics. Here’s an entry from Sunday –

I’d like to share with you some things that have influenced me over our time together that have been poorly understood, if at all. Maybe this will give you some insights.

When we moved to SH, I asked you and H (my son, who was 14 at the time and a very difficult teenager) if you wanted to do this and even asked H repeatedly. But when things started not working out so well and H realized he didn’t want to be there (or maybe anywhere else, who knows?) I took his attitude too personally as an insult, which was magnified by how he treated you, which made me so mad I could slap him. I thought then that I was fighting the good fight for my woman, but know now that you two had your ways and you grew to understand each other, whereas I was left out because I was too violent and not tolerant enough for sympathy or understanding.

When we lived in the duplex and H and I had our first physical fight, it was over something he said to you, in his way, that tripped me to madness. I still thought I was doing the right thing for you. When we lived on S–Place, one day when you and I were going somewhere and we doubled back and found H on the phone, from which he was restricted, we took him with us a a punishment. He planted a good one in my face at the door on the way out, which shocked us both and he began his journey back to being a decent human that day, I saw it. He was a new kid, not a boy anymore. But I refused to forgive him and carried my anger about how I felt he had cheated me and you of our happiness, for a long time, perhaps until just recently when he now treats me with respect, despite myself.

The two of you (H and you), as well as your mother and your sister have a facial expression that says “fuck you, stupid human”, which you all have focused on me for good reason and no reason at all (your sister and mother). I have come to react instinctively to that look, as an adder who’s tail you just stepped on. The day I told you to go fuck yourself was just such a day, with that same look and even though I deserved it in every way, I would not back down. My relationship with your son has been predicated on my reaction to that look and for that I am deeply sorry today, because I think he has forgiven me for treating him like a shit, while I have not forgiven him (until very recently).

My father told me from the first time someone tried to beat me up in school that I should never start a fight, but always finish it. He is a stupid man to have engrained that in his boy. I have never hurt anyone in anger until I wrestled H to the carpet and have never been hit by anyone but him. But I have the tongue and sting of the adder, there is no doubt. At one time you applauded me for this, which didn’t help, I can tell you now. I am not proud, but ashamed of how I’ve been on those occasions in our relationship when I lashed out at you and H, deeply ashamed. I had no right, have no right, to insult those I love for any reason, even if I feel hurt myself. The only way to win a person’s love, is with love. I have always known this, which is, I think, how I won your heart. I can tell you today that the man who loves has won out over the adder. Because at last, the snake has bitten his own tail.

See there? He is a Changed Man! The cause of all our troubles is that my son and I look at him wrong and he can’t help his reaction. H and I have a way of joking and talking fast around a subject to avoid hashing out something painful, to minimize the awkwardness of the Teen Years and M was just too hurt by that to behave like a human being, and it’s not his fault. He was trained by his father to behave that way.

Whatever. Nothing gives him the right to treat me or my son in that way. What he saw as disrespect was in fact a man-child trying to establish his place in the pack (as all male children do) and M was unwilling to remember his own struggle and help H to develop appropriate responses. What M created was a very angry, sullen teen boy who felt threatened all the time as M judged every move he made and H was always found lacking, no matter how I defended or explained him, no matter how hard he tried – nothing was ever Good Enough for M.

It’s surprising that H has become such a polite, well-mannered man, gentle and empathetic who seems to harbor no animosity towards M.

And this yesterday:

I am 200% committed to communicating with you. This week has been a sledge hammer to the head and a spike to the heart – much of what I’ve said and done to you over the years has been a big mistake, the biggest mistake of my life, no contest. You are much more important to me than anything and I mean anything, including my own selfish demands that I’ve put out there as so essential.

I’m a fool. I can do better, much better. Not even sure how I got off on the wrong track, maybe it was arguing with H all the time. Anyway, I hope to get another chance, though I can hear you say I don’t deserve it. The beast in me died this week, I assure you. You struck him a blow through the heart. The man that’s left is your old lover and he still loves you, more than anything, more than ever.

Another assertion that he’s a changed man! I suppose this is where I fall all over myself to apologize and take him back unconditionally, right? Dr. Jekyll was always a charmer 🙂

He was supposed to be gone yesterday and sent this early in the morning:

It would be good to see you and chat, or not, as you please. You will find a man much changed. One thing is, this is the first time in 46 years I have not had at least one dog, if not three, so I’d love to see my friend. I know I’m always going on about that dog, but I love her.

He misses the dog? How sweet! He did nothing but complain about the dog and how I was always letting Dog Discipline go by the board, how I was spoiling her, ruining the training that he had done. The fact is, he is far too brutal for a dog of this type. A complacent Labrador would have learned very quickly to do what he says and stay out of his way, but a dominant herding dog (Australian Shepherd/Border Collie) is not a dog you can beat into submission. She must be convinced that it’s a good idea before she is willing to comply with the wishes of a mere human – she knows her job and will not be sidetracked. He has never understood that, or he refuses to acknowledge that she needs something different than his heavy-handed notion of discipline.

And there’s more:

It is I who must thank you for your patience. I realize now that I have been far on the wrong side of your comfort level for a long time and misinterpreted everything. You have again and again given me more latitude than you have ever offered anyone. It grieves me that now that I finally get it, I may not get a chance to show good faith.
I am sincere. As you once loved and trusted me, I hope you can find your way to do so again.

This in response to a note I sent thanking him for his patience and understanding as I sort out my issues. Trying to keep Mr. Hyde at bay until I get my stuff back.

“On paper” he sounds good, right? Saying all the right things, having an apologetic attitude, promising to respect my feelings and giving me time to sort myself out. The underlying message, however, is that I will be coming back after I come to my senses once more. That ain’t gonna happen.

He will be gone for about three hours tomorrow. I have spent the day dithering about what to do. I could borrow or rent a truck and just make a clean sweep, but there won’t be much time (he is making sure to give me short notice to try to catch me when I’m there, but I see through his plan) to get my stuff out and I don’t really have any men to rely upon to help out.

I could just take my car and stuff what I can into it, but it means leaving Granny’s table behind (the only thing that I really can’t live without) but that would mean Mom would be hopping mad and would drive over here to take it back and goddess only knows what would happen then 🙂

I found myself unable to make a decision, frozen in a state of deer-in-the-headlights, hearing his voice in my head chastising me for whatever I decide to do. My stomach was in knots, head whirling, just…frozen. He has trained me well, and that pisses me off.

And then Awana called. We talked about the options and she offered to let me borrow her van – bigger than my car, no need to rent or borrow a truck, probably big enough to get the essentials out of M’s house, but small enough to (hopefully) not raise his ire too much. If I drive it myself, she won’t be associated with this whole mess so he can’t try to find me through her. He won’t recognize the van so my getaway should be clean.

I want this to be over, but I don’t want to freak him out so that he does something rash. When he left his wife (he and I worked together but were not involved at the time,) according to him, it was an amicable break – he still talked to her, finished up the repairs to their house (she bought him out) that he had agreed to, even watched her dog on occasion. There didn’t seem to be any rancor, he seemed calm and reasonable, but then again, I only saw what he wanted me to see. At the time I thought it was admirable that two people could break up with no anger or harsh words, just a gentle parting of the ways. I wonder now how it really went down, while hoping that he and I can have the same sort of parting of the ways.

Awana says that as long as I have a reason to go back to his house I am still involved with him. She is advocating a Clean Break, sever all ties, make a very clear statement that he and I are over and move on with my life.

I find myself immobile, not hoping for a reconciliation, but at least something less than a war or smear campaign. I want him to get on with his life, find his own happiness so that he will leave me to find my bliss with no bad feelings hanging onto my coat tails.

Is any of this even possible with a Narc? Am I just making myself crazy over something that is never going to happen and I should just wake up and get on with it?

 

Who Knew?

So. The haircut. Yes, let’s talk about that 🙂

Until yesterday, this is the way I wore my hair much of the time –

Since I serve ice cream, my hair has to be held back at all times. Since I hate to have my hair brushing against my face, I wore it this way much of the time away from work, too. Or in a ponytail. Or stuffed under a hat. What’s the point of having long hair if you always wear it scraped back or under a hat? It’s a pain to take care of, takes forever to dry and the style did nothing attractive for me.

Wow, do I look glum in the mirror or what? I admit that it had been a long day and the previous stop was Wal-Mart, where every time you enter the store 10 IQ points are taken out of your brain, but yeesh!

This is Cassie. She cut my hair the last time and I told her that the next time she saw me I would be asking her to cut it all off. That was back in mid-December, but she remembered me. She took the first two photos and her friend Hannah (you can just see her in the mirror) who was in for a color, agreed to take some progress shots. Many thanks to both of them. Hannah especially was fascinated that I was making such a radical change. They were both like, “yes! wear your hair the way you want to wear it and tell the man to suck it!” It was fun 🙂

As Cassie was cutting the back, she said, “Uh…your hair is curly…it’s not going to look like the picture…”

“What do you mean ‘curly?’ My hair has never been “curly!”

Turns out your hair can change, sometimes very much, as you age. Looks like I’m curly now. Or living over ten years with a Narc will curl your hair 🙂 You be the judge…

I told her that all I care about is that it’s easy to take care of – I want to scrunch a bit of mousse in, tousle and go. She assured me that I would have what I desired, but it was not going to look like the model in the picture. Okie-dokie!

The last long lock:

I love that Cassie’s tongue is poking out of her mouth 🙂

Cleaning up the back:

A huge pile of hair on the floor:

Interestingly, right behind me was a man who came in with long hair that he had cut off just as dramatically. He was “going respectable” for a new job.

And here I am, no make-up, exhausted, looking kinda unsure (I’m not, just tired):

It’s me, but it’s not. I look almost like a plastic model to my eyes. Whatever. I love my new ‘do! Quite a bit of gray in there, but I don’t care. If I’m lucky I will have my Granny’s hair – that lovely silvery-white that some women have.

Awana said, “Oh.My.God! Do you love it?”

The Boss said, “You look 5 years younger. And ten years happier.”

Life is good. Towaaaaannnnndddddaaaa!

 

Was it only yesterday?

Today was my first full day of freedom and it totally rocked! I am exhausted in a good way and looking forward to getting up and doing it all again tomorrow.

Awana came over and we took her van full of stuff to storage and had breakfast at a local cafe we both love. I finally found the downside that I’ve been looking for – I am having trouble eating. Don’t hate me, but when I’m stressed, I stop eating, existing on caffeine and very little else. This will pass, but for the time being  it leaves me feeling stretched very thin. Don’t get me wrong, what I ate of my first meal as a Free Woman was delicious, I just couldn’t eat much.

While Awana went off to sleep before work I headed in to town to do some shopping. Somehow in the last couple of days I became a cheapskate 🙂 I found it very hard to part with my money, justifying every purchase in my mind before laying the cash down. There are things that I simply have to have (cleaning supplies, food, dog chew toys); things that I want to have but left behind and if I get them later, well, there’s no room for duplicates here in Towanda so I better wait; and then there are those things that I just WANT because I haven’t had them or have always wanted to have them. My mind couldn’t just shut down and let me get the shopping over with, but I plowed through and spent more than I wanted to (the second-hand shops were closed today) but less than was budgeted (go, me!) and now it’s done.

I bought the most adorable mini shop vac that you’ve ever seen! Hopefully it works well. Also bought a couple of knives that I couldn’t resist on the 50% off lowest price table. Who could resist polka dots? And a bargain at 10.39 for the pair!

I also got my hair cut off. More about that tomorrow, with pictures 🙂

I took the dog to the dog park where she was able to romp a bit. Surprisingly, she spent much more time sniffing than running – we were alone, as planned, so as to avoid any confrontations with other dogs. Awana is scheduled to go walking with us tomorrow morning after she gets off work – more doggie adventures to follow!

Awana called tonight before she left for work. The first question she asked shocked me speachless, “are you still happy about your decision?”

She had no way of knowing that I’d had a fan-fucking-tastic day, so I had to laugh and ease her mind. Honestly, it feels like a year has gone by since yesterday.

No tears, no regrets and when I folded out the couch last night I discovered that the mattress was still factory-wrapped – either new or never used! Probably never used as it doesn’t have that toxic off-gassing smell. Score! It was pretty damned comfortable and I slept like the dead for about six hours. My eyes popped open at 0630 and I was up for the day – that never happens!

And now I am knackered, as the English say, and will lay in my new bed in my new house and watch “Last of the Mohicans” until my eyes start to close.

 

Towanda!

Melanie of Deliberate Donkey has given my new home a name – Towanda! If you’ve seen the movie Fried Green Tomatoes or read the book, you know exactly why. If you  haven’t (you really should!) here’s the relevant quote:

Evelyn: I never get mad, Mrs Threadgoode. Never. The way I was raised, it was bad manners. Well, I got mad… and it felt terrific! I felt like I could beat the shit out of all those punks. Excuse my language. Just beat ’em to a pulp. Beat ’em till they begged for mercy! Towanda the avenger. And after I wipe out all the punks of this world, I’ll take on the wife-beaters, like Frank Bennett, and machine-gun their genitals! Towanda will go on the rampage. I’ll put tiny little bombs in Penthouse and Playboy so they’ll explode when you open them. And I’ll ban all fashion models who weigh less than 130 pounds. And I’ll give half the military budget to people over 65 and declare wrinkles sexually desirable. Towanda, righter of wrongs, queen beyond compare!

Ninny: How many of them hormones are you taking, honey?

That’s exactly how I feel. Awana is coming over early tomorrow morning to help me haul some stuff to storage. We should be able to take a good portion of the boxes in one trip, provided she’s willing to load up heavy and there’s no ice on the road – don’t want to scare her off with just one little errand 🙂

No word yet tonight from M, but I did get an e-mail from the friend who stores the boat at his house – he said that M is working his ass off out in the cold while he, the friend, sites inside the warm house. D has worked hard all week and needs his rest. M knew that before he went, so I reassured D that M is happiest working hard on his projects and not to feel bad, that I would be doing the same thing 🙂

I’ve already decided that if M shows up Sunday or Monday I will force a Final Confrontation and walk out. After all, I have a warm, safe place to go – I have nothing to fear on that count, so why not? Since I came back the last time, I figure he will let me go and not get physical, thinking that I’ll be back for my stuff anyway. He will be in for a big surprise when I come back with a truck and the police. He can’t deny me my possessions (as Awana so wisely pointed out) because they are all related to my various money-making enterprises businesses – he can’t deny me the ability to make a living. Ain’t that sweet?

Thank you all so much for your support and wise comments – it means so much to me!

 

 

Deconstruction

Busy day today! Up early after not much sleep – there are just so many things to get done and today is a work day, too.

Getting ready to leave this morning, tools in the car, but what to take next? The ginormous bed thingy has to go out before furniture can be moved in and furniture won’t fit in my car, but cluttering up the space before the furniture is moved in is a bad idea. I compromised by filling the car with kitchen and bathroom stuff and took off for the RV store.

Slid all over the road at the bottom of the hill where the frost had accumulated overnight. Nearly had a heart attack. I first learned to drive in the snow so I was able to steer out of it without going in the ditch, but it sure didn’t bode well for the start of my day.

Upon arriving at the RV store, my first thought was, “WOW! That shit is expensive!” The park requires that all tank emptying hoses be supported off the ground and the gizmos that are “acceptable” don’t come cheap.  My drain hose is way too short to reach the waste connection so I need another hose or an extension. Wheel chocks, WD-40 and silicone spray, hose insulation (didn’t get enough and will have to go back again) and blocks for under the leveling jacks. Oh, and a flashlight.*

Thankfully everything was fine when I arrived at the RV park so I hooked up the water and went inside to fire up the furnace. The space heats up quickly and evenly and no one is allowed to say a word about the thermostat – temperature is totally my decision – yay!

Here are a few unedited shots of the interior –

Table and chairs that will be listed for sale today. I have better plans for this space. They are well made and attractive, in Like New condition, but I prefer my chabby-chic things.

Kitchen! The amazing amount of storage means that there is plenty of room for my stand mixer (it can finally have its own shelf space!) baking pans and glass storage containers. Oh, yes, I cook 🙂 Awana was quite surprised when I started listing the things that I will be able to keep.

“And just when are you going to be doin’ all this cooking and baking?” she asked.

Every day, actually. Fresh-baked bread is one of my favorite foods and baking it in such a small oven will be a new learning experience. Maybe I’ll write an article 🙂

Fold-out couch next to the table. It’s free standing, so it can be moved if needed. Storage above with a reading light and big window. The window behind the table is even bigger and is probably where I’ll put my work desk.

This is the bed frame and platform I was talking about yesterday. There is 15″ clear on either side and maybe 2.5 feet at the foot when the mattress is on – this thing is HUGE! The fabric decoration at the head of the bed will go next – it’s ugly and has no purpose now.

The lower 2/3 folds up on hinges with hydraulic arms to hold it up so you can access the space beneath.

This space can also be accessed through a hatch on the outside of the trailer which will have to be insulated ASAP as it is nothing like tight. That tool is used to raise and lower the stabilizing jacks.

A question for the dudes who put this thing together – did you think you could thwart me by using a random assortment of Phillip’s and square drive screws? Hah! I have bits for both! Did you think I would get tired of unplugging my drill and plugging it in on the other side of the frame because I forgot to bring an extension cord? I did not – I am determined to get this POS out of here just as quickly as possible.

The corner tables are similarly screwed into the floor and wall and are hollow inside, really boxes with only two solid sides – you can see the carpet and both walls at the corner when you open the door. I may try to sell them if I need the space.

Whew! I put a note up in the park office and laundry room offering this pile of toxic press board and the arms for free if someone wants to haul it away. Hopefully it won’t take long to disappear. The weather has been dry – maybe it can be stowed under the trailer. Whatever, it has to go.

I measured the space and was shocked when the numbers were added up – fore and aft it measures 10′-6″ and athwart an even eleven feet! That’s larger than many bedrooms in apartments and it’s all MINE!!

Here’s the built-in storage in the corner of what will be my studio –

The narrow desk-height thing to the left is strange – don’t know what to think about that, but it will stay for now as the furniture needs to be moved as soon as possible.

It’s all coming together. I need to pack tonight to haul the boxes to storage for the time being and free up the furniture. If M stays out of town until Monday or Tuesday I will be out with no Final Confrontation – best case scenerio. If he comes back sooner, well, at least my most precious things will be out.

* I bought a really cool LED flashlight at Radio Shack a few weeks back. The guy behind the counter put batteries into it and showed me how to work it. I didn’t realize he took the batteries back out before I paid and left, so last night when my brand new flashlight didn’t work, I was pissed that I’d paid good money for a shoddy product. When I opened it up this morning to see if the cold of yesterday did indeed kill the batteries, imagine my surprise to find that it had no batteries at all! Glad I wasn’t in some sort of life-or-death situation or I would be chewing out the sales guy at RS right now.

 

One more hurdle crossed!

Here she is, folks! My new home. Well, not this exact one, but very similar. “Real” pics tomorrow. She’s very much like this one.

How did I get here? Well, let me tell you, rent ain’t cheap in this Tourist Town! The monthly payments + space rent at a very nice RV park (all amenities included up to a ridiculous electric allowance, but not including WiFi) is more than $300 per month LESS than for rent alone on anything larger than a refrigerator box around these parts. More private, too.

Awana of the comments is a traveling worker in the medical field and one visit to her Fiber Studio convinced me that it will be big enough to live in and the fact that I can hire a guy to drag it from place to place (unless I decide to invest in a truck of my own) is just about the perfect way to live.

Think about it – the Real Work I do can be done from my computer anywhere and minimum wage jobs (more than enough income to provide for my soon-to-be-simpler needs) can be found anywhere, too. Why not?!? Pare down the Stuff*, slough off the obligations that possessions carry, and be free in body and soul.

A and I drove over to an RV dealer at o’dark-thirty to see what I qualify for and if financing is available to me. Sure enough, I can “afford” pretty much anything I wanted to look at and so we took the guided tour and saw many, many great floor plans and travel trailers.

I drive over again tomorrow for the “walk-through” and then we drag my new abode to its new resting place and hook ‘er up.

I can’t wait! It feels very good to be moving forward in such a decisive way. I’m still trying to find the Down Side, but other than the Final Confrontation (which may or may not happen, depending on how fast I can get moved in. Or out…) with M, I can’t find the hole in  my plan. If all else fails, I simply pull up stakes and move my home somewhere else.

If you’re thinking about getting out on your own, this might be the way for you to do it. If a person working 28 hours a week at a minimum wage job (no debt, though, and no kids or outstanding obligations) can get affordable financing for a package as nice as this one (four seasons insulation package, heat & AC, full (if small) kitchen and bath, king sized bed (watch for some interesting modifications soon – ain’t no way I will have a bed big enough to share ever again!) all fully furnished with a sound system, propane and battery back-up, all the bells and whistles, just think what anyone could do with even less!

With the US economy in such bad shape, more and more people are choosing a mobile lifestyle and its advantages are undeniable. More on my views about that later, too 🙂 I won’t be able to shut up about it now that my plan is out in the open, so to speak…

Many, many thanks to Awana for her unwavering support, assistance and endless question answering as I made this decision. You’re the best, A!

* I’m really quite pared down as it is – only two pieces of furniture that I would like to keep, some odds and ends used every day, a sewing machine, fiddles and guitars. The rest is in boxes or plastic bins (perfect to chuck into storage for as long as necessary) because M doesn’t like to see my stuff cluttering up his space, all messy with works-in-progress out for anyone coming over to see. Like we ever have anyone over anyway. Whatever. I’ll probably never get over that part of our relationship and always have my stuff spread out where I can see it 🙂

 

Apology via email

This just in:

My Love,

You are right that I have been completely out of line. Confused and confusing and yes, mean. I have been taking my frustrations out on you. For some reason I feel you should save me. We both know where that leads and we are deep in it now.

I doubt you can forgive me and I don’t blame you. I feel like I’ve gone from one head-on crash to another. You’ve watched it and been very patient, though I wish there had been something you could do. It’s more likely that I’ve been self-destructive and nothing could have been done by anyone but me. I’m still confused about how, what seemed like good intentions, turned out so consistently wrong.

I should not blame you, nor should you feel responsible, despite all I’ve said. One bad decision has lead to another, it’s a simple as that and now I’m paying the price. I should not try to earn a living by hard labor, it has immediate grave consequences. When I’m in pain I lash out. If it costs me your love, I’m a very stupid man.

You said this morning that all you’ve done for me in the last few years counts for nothing, which shocked me out of my anger, because that is simply not true. You have been isolated, which is frustrating (but deserved), but you have held me up. I’m fool enough to not see that until you pull the rug out from under me. Yes, a lot of this is about money. I need to get over that – it’s old news now. But I don’t know what to do. When you say to settle down and see what happens, I feel you are being callous. I suppose you are actually being wise and I just don’t see it because it doesn’t fit my philosophy. A lot of good those hard driving habits have done me! (not).

Whether you stay with me or not, I will have to change. You are right in every case. It’s not going to be easy. I’ve promised you I would not do what I did last night and the night before, so all I can say is I’m trying. And will continue to work on this – my anger, frustration with the past, unrealistic plans for the future, and to stop trying to mold you into an image of me. There is a lot you could teach me. I don’t know why I haven’t seen this before.

This fall has been tough. When the weather changed, I felt it immediately. When the insurance denied me treatment for my back, it was a huge blow – I thought I was getting somewhere. I need to move forward with this and get to work on an application for disability, then hopefully the insurance will improve. I’m intimidated though, having been denied so many times.

This has been a ramble about me but I hope you see it’s about you, too. I want you in my life. Yes, I know I need to respect you and accept that you have valid opinions, even when I don’t agree. It’s your life – you can eat what you want, dress how you like and entertain yourself in any way that gives you pleasure. I have fought you a lot about all of this, but it’s time to stop. I’ve been a bully, it’s a simple as that. I’m sorry.

When I called your phone this morning, I said I love you very much, which is true. But as I was saying it, I heard my sister, who’s love is warped, which scared me.
A person who loves doesn’t throw tacks under his lover’s tires like I’ve been doing. I appreciate that you are standing up to me, apparently I need to be hit over the head with a sledge hammer. And hopefully that won’t be necessary anymore, and not because you have left. Please stay with me?

love, m.

I am a fucking saint for putting up with this bullshit for so long. I’m sure the anger is radiating off me in waves right now as I slowly boil over with rage that he can believe that I will suck up his lies one more time. Granted, I always have in the past, but this time I will not.

I don’t believe for one second that this toxic missive is related in any way to the truth with regards to his admissions of being an ass and a bully.

A stranger who read the above would likely tell me to give him the benefit of the doubt – go back and try to make it work, the problems aren’t all that terrible, are they? What they couldn’t know is that this has been going on for over 10 years. He has been promising to scale back his rages and treat me with respect for over 10 years. That is almost one quarter of my life. Twenty-five percent. The only thing that has changed is that I lost my Self. I lost my identity, my passions, my self-respect. He took from me all of the essential things that make me ME.

I am done. Can’t take any more. Of course it’s the weekend before a big Holiday. Of course businesses are closed and renting a truck will have to wait until Wednesday. Nothing comes easily for me, so this is just another bump in the road and I will motor over it, as usual, scraping the shit up as I go.

If I happen to catch a bit of good luck, he will be gone on his trip up North when I get off work, the dog will be on her bed and I will start packing. If the luck I catch happens to be bad, he will be home, all apologies and kind words. I think I’ll start to pack anyway.

 

Round and round we go…

M was spoiling for a fight when I got home last night. It started with tortillas again, and how he feels he can’t eat what he wants because I have “secret menu plans.” He asked if he could eat the tortillas and I said sure, just add it to the grocery list. And we were off.

He started in with money, my “control issues,” my poor eating habits, my “lying” to him about what I eat and how I will end up with a colostomy bag, lying in bed being cared for by him.

I took issue for awhile, reminding him that I am not overweight, diabetic or in poor health, and he does not have to care for me.

On and on he ranted about how his life will be ruined by my whatever and how he has no money so he can’t afford to be generous or in a good mood. He was really gearing up, so I said, “why don’t we just stop here. Or skip to the end where you are red-faced and yelling and I’m crying? We’ve done this so many times before that we can just skip the hours and hours in the middle, okay?”

More crap about how my reaction is uncaring and childish, how his feelings are being disregarded, blah, blah, blah.

I asked again to skip to the end. He got madder. I said that this conversational pattern was harmful to our relationship, I point it out to him every month, I want to change this dynamic we have going and the only way to do it is to stop.

He refused to listen to my pleas that we not do this any more.

I told him (again) that the only solution is for me to move out so he can sell the house and live his dream on his boat. Then I wouldn’t be holding him back, making his life miserable, heaping “responsibilities” onto him until he can’t do anything but explode.

He said some bullshit about how he fully supports whatever I decide to do, but it will break his heart, blah, blah, fake tears, blah blah.

Silence. “You could buy half of this house – then we would be equally committed.”

“No.”

“You could rent from me. You could deposit the money into a bank account and never have to see me again.”

“No.”

“Why not? It’s the perfect solution…”

“I don’t want you for a landlord.”

“Maybe I should just go on an extended cruise – let you have some time alone so you appreciate me when I come back…”

And we’re off in another direction. I shut down. He saw it and started ranting about how immature my behavior was and how it’s at the root of all of our problems. I reminded him (again) that it’s a self-defense mechanism to deal with aggressive men and he knows full well how to stomp on that button and he does it with glee.

I think I stopped talking at all after that. I walked the dog and he got ready for bed, turning off every light in the house. I prepared to sleep on the couch, but he called me into the bedroom, saying that there was no reason for me to sleep on the couch. I slept in the bed, clothes on, for a couple of hours.

While laying there, I gave a long hard look at where we are and how best to handle the situation. I hopped out of bed and took a quick shower at 8:30. I walked the dog and came back inside to feed her. M was in the shower.

As soon as he was out, I went in to ask him if I should take the dog with me to work today.

“Why?” he acts confused.

“Because I heap all these responsibilities onto you, and maybe you don’t want to watch the dog today – I’m giving you a choice.”

And we’re off again, but this time I am in control of where we’re heading. He started in again about how I owe him money (it always comes back to money, no matter how he denies it or tries to make his argument about “everything”) and I lost it.

“It seems to me that if I am the one bringing in the money, you should treat me better!” Nope, only if I give him money.

“Fine. I’m not doing this today!” and I left the room. He called me back, started in with the same shit and I left. I picked up my bag, got in my car and drove in to town, where I bought a padlock and rented a storage locker. Not taking a change of clothes was maybe a mistake, as was leaving the dog, but he needs to get a clear message that I am not going to take this shit any more.