There We Go!

26 Aug

A bit behind schedule, but M blew up last night. What was it this time? He claims he asked me a simple question about tuning the cello (it’s a long story.) He said that he feels intimidated by the instrument and has handed her off to me in the past for tuning. Fine and dandy. His question* was whether or not it could be tuned lower or the strings changed to make the sound deeper as that is the sound he loves the most.

Seems pretty simple, right? I looked online to see what the next string down would be (sorry if this seems unrelated, but it will make sense in a minute) and how much it would cost, and what others might have done, you know, a bit of “independent research**” before discussing options. While I did this he was madly typing on his computer and claims he did not hear any of my comments to him about strings and tuning.***

A few minutes later he was playing along with YouTube videos and having a great time. He asked what the order was for tuning and I reached down to demonstrate, which was the wrong thing to do. He had no intention of re-tuning the instrument, or of stopping his playing. He just wanted a “one sentence explanation” of the procedure. Of course, after our discussion of just a few minutes earlier (which he had heard and participated in, despite his denials) I had a very different impression of what he wanted and he was off!

He thrust the cello at me (which he denied ten minutes later) and stomped from the room (again, he denies that he was stomping) to gather up some paperwork and bring back to his desk to sort. So here I am left with the cello in my hands, not knowing what he wants, but knowing very clearly that he’s pissed off and I’m about to get reamed.

After much snapping on his part (again denied minutes later) I finally managed to answer his original question, which was, “What is the order of turning these knobs to change the pitch of the strings?” At no time did he actually say that, but he insists that he did, and his insistence got more and more vehement as the lecture went on. That’s right – I was treated to a 1.5 hour lecture on how I never answer his questions, how I always answer some other question that I decide in my fantasy mind to answer.

He insists that I am stubborn and evasive and not “normal,” so he has to correct me and it wears him down. The fact that he has to drag something so stupid out to such lengths goes to show how abusive he is.

It can’t be a tactic that he uses to beat me down – he’s not that kind of person, he says.

It’s not a verbal trap, creating another excuse to yell at me – that’s my paranoia talking, he says.

It’s not a set up that leads to one more chance for him to go on and on and lecture me about the way I try to manipulate him and destroy our relationship – that was some other guy and he is tired of paying the price for all the men I should be over by now.

He claims that he has been trying very hard to “keep his mouth shut” because he never knows what might “set me off.” Whatever.

The truth is that he says hurtful things in order to get a reaction out of me and “open a dialogue” so that he can let me know (yet again) how deficient I am, so he can force me to accept the blame for his own lack of control.

His condescending tone and little barbs make me hate him.

More of the same this morning after a nearly sleepless night (he snored all night, but claims that he didn’t sleep a bit. Wish I had recorded that!) He wants me to “accept the blame” for being difficult, evasive and manipulative. He wants me to acknowledge that I have a temper that is set off by he doesn’t even know what and he is the innocent victim, just doing what he can to support me and keep the house in good order so that I can sit down and relax when I get home from work (WTF?!?)

When I state in plain English something like, “when you snap at me it hurts my feelings and causes me to freeze up and I can’t go on with the conversation,” he claims not to know what I’m talking about. When pressed, he will tell me that I MAKE him snap at me when I don’t answer his questions. I FORCE him to raise his voice to make his opinion understood. My feelings are brushed aside and it’s all about him once more. As always. He says that I should get a grip and be able to defend myself. I don’t want to be at war.

I left for work in tears, no tea, no breakfast, exhausted by the effort to try to make sense of this crazy person in my life. The fact is, it makes no sense at all. There is no purpose for his bullshit but to make me miserable. It is deliberate, I’m convinced of it, and he has no desire to change a thing. Really, why should he change? There are a million other women out there who would appreciate his love and support, who would value him as I do not. Good luck, Pal!

This is so sad and pointless.


UPDATE: He just showed up at the shop with a sandwich from Subway. Asked for a knife to cut it in half to share with me. The gesture is a nice one, but here’s where the true point shows – in all the years he has known me I only order one kind of sandwhich at ANY sub place, and that is ham and cheese on wheat bread. Add tomatoes and lettuce, a bit of oil, and that is it. The sandwich he brought? Some sort of turkey breast (heated) with cheese, tomato, lettuce and bell peppers (which I NEVER eat.) No mayo, thank all that’s holy, but nothing like what he knows I would have ordered. Is this another message? Maybe he really does want me to spice up my palate? The sandwich is really for him (what about our money troubles?) and he was driving by and had a guilt attack? Is it poisoned? Were the situation reversed, I would have delivered exactly what he likes the most – a Club with everything, lots of mayo, not heated, not toasted. And he says I don’t know him. Asshole.

* As I remember it, but my memory can’t be trusted, according to M – I live in a fantasy of my own making where no one else is allowed. Yeah, WTF?!?

** One of M’s favorite terms. It means that whatever question I’ve asked is too simple for him to bother answering and that I need to have at least an elementary grasp of the subject before he will deign to speak about it. Let me do some “independent research” to back up my opinion about something he disagrees with and then it becomes “a weapon to beat [him] with” – his words about the whole Al Gore thing. Yet another Double Standard.

*** Whenever I’m at my computer, especially if I am working, he will talk to me, very quietly, asking questions or making comments about nothing that matters to me at the moment, just out of my range of hearing. He does it deliberately to make me turn around and ask him to repeat himself, which he hates to do. He then berates me for “being absent” and not paying attention to him.


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9 responses to “There We Go!

  1. Paula

    August 26, 2012 at 1:41 pm

    All of this projection is for the effing birds!! I am disgusted by people who blame, blame, blame and can’t, even for one second, stop and consider their part or be accountable. And when this type of person attacks just to attack, they are demonstrating Sadist tendencies. They shit on others, not because others shit on them first, but because others exist. We become targets because we simply live and breathe. We have or are something they covet. It could be our goodness, our knowledge, or how we earn the trust of others. Whatever it is about us that they covet, they’ll never get, so they just try destroying it by destroying our spirit through their insane and frustrating projections. These monsters are good at it, too. Instead of hating them, however, we need to focus on loving ourselves. The more we cry and allow them to break us, the more they get from us what they want.

    • iwonttakeit

      August 26, 2012 at 2:12 pm

      Again, you are absolutely right. You said something profound in one of your blog posts, Paula – something like “innocent people don’t project blame on others,” words to that effect, and it has stuck in my mind ever since. If I am accused of some sort of undesirable behavier, I stop, analyze what the other person is saying and then decide if they have a point. M does not. He immediately deflects the blame back on to me, with a heaping dose of shit for good measure.

      It’s not fair, dammit! I am not a combative person, but here he is making me out to be an evil bitch who lives to manipulate him and take all his money and his pride and whatever else I feel I’m entitled to. Projection to the max, and he refuses to see it.

      I don’t know how to state any clearer to him what I want and need out of this relationship. It’s obvious that I made a terrible, terrible choice getting involved with him and I am very angry at myself for falling victim (for the third damned time!) to a sociopath.

      I had a daydream the other day that I was shopping for dishes and I was choosing exactly what I wanted to have – mis-matched, heavily patterned, small and delicate, all for my new home. It has become a daily fantasy. Guess that says it all, eh?

      I do believe that tears can be a good thing – my usual way is to keep everything inside, not sharing with anyone how I feel, and that can’t be a good thing, can it? At least crying releases some of the tension.

      • Paula

        August 26, 2012 at 4:35 pm

        Crying is good but telling someone who you love and trust is even better. I was silent and cried alone for too long. It nearly destroyed me. We make mistakes. We choose badly sometimes. You loved this man at one point. He proved to be a lie. You stopped loving him. Now you’re just torturing yourself because you know the source of your unhappiness but you don’t leave. From reading your blog, your only mistake lately is having hope in a man who deserves none. He won’t change. He’s not going to think anything you say negative about him is coming from a place of hurt. He will simply hurt you more because he thinks you are the one hurting him. It’s nuts to try to combat someone who doesn’t take accountability of the pain he causes you. We don’t just wake up one day hurting for no reason. Your pain is real and the one man who should be concerned and interested in relieving your pain doesn’t care. It’s shameful to think you have put so much time and effort into a person who is unworthy, but that’s the reality. He’ll lie and say it was all your fault, but I think people who know you know who the abusive one really is. But you need to take action and leave and tell someone your plans. You owe it to your sanity and the people who really love you. You have so many talents from what you have shared on your blog. I would love to see you blossom/re-blossom and become the person you were born to be. I would love to read about your happiness and success. I’m sure you miss the person you once were, don’t you? 🙂

      • iwonttakeit

        August 27, 2012 at 3:31 pm

        I do miss the person I once was. And I look forward to meeting the person I was always meant to be. It won’t be long now – the bank account is almost where it needs to be to make a clean break, and if I can find a place that will take a dog and three rabbits, I’m outta here!

        Thank you for your support and understanding, and for saying “out loud” just what someone in my situation most needs to hear.

  2. Awana Black

    August 26, 2012 at 2:53 pm

    I cried for nine years, then dried up and got on with it. Acceptance is the place you have to get to. Not crying is bad–get it out!!!! Just don’t waste too much time on it– Also, I don’t have the clever verbage, but there is something behind all that being mean to you. Guilt, control (or lack of it) or : Deciding that you are an evil or mental bitch, so he can break up with you without guilt. In other words, make it your fault. Yuk, that is so bad, but men can convince themselves of anything and you won’t even have a say in it. Even when it is about you!! I may also serve to drive you away, which will vindicate his ideas. Sadly, since I would not have left, he had to he belittle me to the point that when he “escaped” I probably wouldn’t have cared..I’m sure that I am just reiterating, but in simple terms. I think his screaming “lesbian!” was the most hurtful. Now, I think I would laugh my guts out!!!! But, then, that was traumatic. Generational, you know…..

    • iwonttakeit

      August 27, 2012 at 3:28 pm

      The tears are more about frustration than anything else. I seem to be able to communicate with anyone else I talk to, they seem to understand what I’m saying, I appear to answer their questions with no problems, but M refuses to behave like a normal person, and that is so painful. I have wasted half my life with assholes like him, and it’s a real shame. No one deserves to be treated this way.

      Thank you for your IRL support, Awana! How’s your back? I may need a little bit of help moving 🙂 Only a couple of large/awkward items that I don’t want to leave behind, but the rest is light and portable. And shopping for new stuff, of course! 🙂


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