So Tired…

26 Feb

It’s been a busy week, what with working every-other-day and road trips and shopping and laundry and getting a bunch of clothes ready to take to the resale shop and visits to the dog park (Sabu met a lovely Golden Retriever boy called Boston today. What doggie joy!)

Clothes take up a lot of room. Towanda’s wardrobe area sucks. Clothes hanging on a temporary closet rod take up an enormous amount of room, but they will be gone Thursday afternoon. Whew! If it doesn’t fit in the wardrobe, it’s going out the door – no exceptions! More on that once I get things under control.

People have been asking Awana (not me, surprisingly) why I am not “torn up” about leaving M, why I’m not grieving the loss of my relationship, why I seem so damned happy to be on my own living a lifestyle that many find repulsive.

“Why doesn’t she seem sad?” they ask.

“Why is she smiling and happy living in a travel trailer for g-d’s sake?”

“Why isn’t it more difficult for her, leaving a long term relationship like that?”

Even Awana asks me almost every day if I’m happy with my decision to change my life so radically.

The answer is simple – I did my crying for years while still in my abusive relationship.

I denied the disappearance of the man I thought I would spend the rest of my life with while he was cutting me down to size with his forked tongue.

I seethed with anger while he told me yet again what a loser I am, how I ruined his life with my slovenly, lazy, stupid ways, how I am a bad judge of character, how I ask for his anger and yelling, how I can’t be trusted to speak to men in person or even on Facebook, my lack of sex drive and a million other things.

I bargained with him, begged to be loved, vowed to change my wicked ways, do anything he wanted me to do if he would only love me like he did in the beginning as he told me, “it would take eight of you to keep me entertained, do you understand that? Eight of you!”

I fell into a deep depression, convinced I was the cause of all of our problems. I honestly believed that all of my relationships were doomed because I was a piece of shit who just didn’t know how to communicate, to use language properly, that I was too damaged to love someone the way they deserved to be loved. After all, the common denominator in all of my failed relationships was me, right?

And then I hacked M’s e-mail and discovered his deceits. I started this blog and was soon found by the wonderful women (and men) who read and comment here and my life started to turn around. As I wrote, I discovered more lies and started to grow a backbone. I researched, I asked questions, I did a lot of deep thinking about my situation.

I accepted that M is an abuser. I accepted that I am to blame for letting him get away with his abuse for so long and that I need to do some serious work to heal myself so I will never again be so attractive to an abuser like M. I accepted that the only solution to my problems with M was for me to move out. I hatched a plan and I left.

Know what? My life has only gotten better. Without M everything is better. Doing laundry is better. Cleaning “house” is better. Picking up dog shit is better, and that should tell you something about how awful life with M was. Daily chores make me very happy because I know that the only person I have to please is ME.

There will be no criticism about anything because there is no impossible critic living with me. I can do anything I want to do and there is no one to say a word about it. I can drive to the dog park at midnight, talk to a man on the street, eat toast in bed, watch TV, leave my dirty clothes in a heap on the floor until morning, wear socks to bed, turn the heat up to 70* (gasp!!!) and take a 20 minute hot shower three times a day if I want to, and there is no one to tell me I can’t.

There is no one to judge me if I do something crazy like watch three episodes of Dexter in a row while knitting a sock, or sleep late and ignore the vacuuming just because I’m tired today, or get up, walk the dog and go back to bed and drink a cup of tea while reading a book. I tell people I have done these things, and they congratulate me! They say things like, “good for you!” So it can’t be all that wrong, can it?

What possible reason could I have to be less than over the moon happy?


Posted by on February 26, 2013 in Digging Out, Emotional Abuse, I totally Rock!


Tags: ,

35 responses to “So Tired…

  1. behindthemaskofabuse

    February 26, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    oh i can feel your freedom! i’m so very happy for you!!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 27, 2013 at 8:37 pm

      Thank you! It does feel good 😀

  2. JackieP

    February 26, 2013 at 9:41 pm

    The problem is not with you, it’s with people who don’t understand how freeing it is to be out of a long term abusive relationship. Don’t worry about them. It’s not their life. They don’t have to understand why you are so happy. Only you do. You are all that matters now. Stay strong and continue enjoying your freedom! hugs!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 27, 2013 at 8:38 pm

      Don’t judge until you’ve walked a mile in my shoes, right? I guess people were expecting more drama, but that’s just not who I am.

      • JackieP

        February 27, 2013 at 9:34 pm

        I understand. that was how I was too and people didn’t understand. Hell I had enough drama in the marriage, I didn’t need it after.

      • Sofia Leo

        March 1, 2013 at 8:46 pm

        Exactly! My life is so peaceful now. The only thing I regret is that I didn’t leave sooner…

  3. Jenny

    February 26, 2013 at 11:20 pm

    well said!! Whoot whoot! The people who are questioning why you are not sad but happy now have never walked in your shoes so they are clueless…..I have though and I was exactly like you….I already did all the crying, When I felt like you it was like walking through the door into another world. I was not controlled any more and it makes you feel so good not having someone put you down and try to destroy your soul any more so it makes you happy and love enjoying every new day. Other people are kind to you and want to be around you, you make your own decisions…it’s Bliss!!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 27, 2013 at 8:39 pm

      You put it just right, Jenny! It is so liberating to be able to live life as an adult, to be treated like I have a brain in my head. I didn’t know it would be so good 🙂

  4. Melanie

    February 27, 2013 at 4:52 am

    You have composed a lot of well written posts, but this one tops them all. The people asking those questions are cowards, otherwise they’d ask you. Those people asking those questions don’t want the truth, otherwise they’d be asking you. Those people asking those questions are too worried about other people’s lives and could probably stand to work on their own. I recognize I am being highly judgmental because I don’t know them, their situations, or their motivations. But I know you, your situation, and your motivation, and what you did, you did to save your life and that is most important.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 27, 2013 at 8:41 pm

      Thank you for your kind words. Maybe I’m asking myself the same questions – is it normal to be so happy to leave a long term relationship? Maybe he was right that I don’t have feelings like a “normal” person? I could drive myself crazy with all the “what ifs?” But I won’t. I will live MY life, MY way and be happy.

  5. Janine

    February 27, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Congratulate them for being so lucky they can’t fathom your situation and move on to the next three episodes of Dexter and that second sock! I am so happy for your happiness!

  6. Still Loving Him

    February 27, 2013 at 9:44 am

    The day I left my ex-husband was the best day of my life. I was not sad at all afterwards. Of course I traded one abuser for another and that’s why I now blog!!!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 27, 2013 at 8:43 pm

      I plan on doing some serious soul searching to figure out why I allow these assholes to take over my life. I plan on having a lot of fun along the way 🙂 Maybe I’ll live the rest of my life with no man to hold me at night, but I’ll also live the rest of my life with no man holding me down.

  7. Awana

    February 27, 2013 at 3:09 pm

    Well, I guess I got told…but, we talked, air-kissed (ew–not really, we did a Masuka laugh) and all is well. Seriously, people really have a need to know that women like Sophia are for real and are serious, not just trying to get attention–nobody wants to waste their time on a faker. So, the comments happen. Subtley, not overtly. Just “making sure” , as it were. Human nature, human fear–can’t rule it out.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 27, 2013 at 8:51 pm

      I really didn’t mean for this post to sound so angry, and I apologize that it came off that way. Sigh. It’s just me exercising my mental gears out loud for the blogosphere to hear 🙂

      The problem is that we are bombarded with images in print and on “film” of women who are abused and who go back, time after time, to their abusers and so we think that Drama is a natural part of life, but it’s not and we need to get that message out to young people. Healthy relationships do not involve the kind of crap I (and way too many of you) lived with for far too long. It’s possible to leave an abuser and go on to live a happy life without feeling the need to go back and “try to work it out” or “give him one more chance.” That’s bullshit perpetuated by abusers and I won’t have it in my life ever again.

      I’m not at all angry with those who question my mental state – they didn’t live my life and can’t have an accurate idea of what I’ve been through unless they’ve had similar experience. Those who question are the lucky ones – they can’t imagine a relationship so fucked up that they would be ecstatic to abandon their partner after more than ten years. May their luck always run good 🙂

      • Lee

        February 28, 2013 at 5:14 am

        For what it’s worth, your post didn’t sound angry to me. I read it as a forceful and articulate explanation of how things really are, compared to the misconception that you would or should be unhappy having left that relationship. Great post!

      • Sofia Leo

        March 1, 2013 at 8:46 pm

        Thank you!

  8. Lee

    February 28, 2013 at 5:30 am

    It’s easy and natural for people to assume that you will have similar feelings to theirs if they were to experience what you are experiencing–such as the end of a relationship. But as others here have commented, they are thinking based on their own experience, not your experience–which thankfully for them, they have not had to go through. It’s not necessary to accept how they think you should feel, but it does help to realize that they probably mean well, but they just don’t understand because they are not in your shoes.

    In the past year I’ve had a similar experience of people assuming I should feel one way when in fact I feel a very different way. Both of my parents died within the past year, and of course, many people expressed their condolences. I do appreciate their sentiment. But in fact I am very happy that my parents died! I love my parents very much. And at the time of their respective deaths, they had reached the natural end of very long, full, and satisfying lives. It was their time to go. I was and still am pleased that they could leave their failing bodies behind and begin a new life with a fully functional spiritual body and mind in the spiritual world. Even if I didn’t believe in the afterlife, it would be hard to feel too bad about such good and full lives coming to their natural end.

    People say you’re supposed to feel sad, grieve, and take time to get better. But at my father’s funeral I was smiling and laughing at seeing so many long-time friends and family gathered together. Then I realized, “Oops, there are people grieving here!” So I toned it down for their sake. 🙂 And I never did become sad because I had already said my good-byes, and I just couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be sad about! My father was 90 when he died, and my mother was 85 when she died eight months later.

    Anyway, this is a long way of saying that the way you feel right now makes perfect sense to me. That relationship ended a long time ago. You’ve long since completed your grieving process over the loss of what you had thought when it started would be a beautiful relationship . . . but turned out not to be.

    You feel the way you feel for very good reasons! And I, for one, am very happy for you!

    • Sofia Leo

      March 1, 2013 at 8:51 pm

      I’m so glad to hear someone else express my feelings about funerals. If the dearly departed had a long, fulfilled life and left behind many who loved them and cherish their memory, what’s to be sad about? Death follows life in the natural progression of things and we seem to have decided as a society that grief looks a certain way and if we don’t adhere to that stereotype there must be something wrong with us.

      It makes me angry that some people want to see me grieve over a relationship that was terrible in so many ways. The only thing I mourn is the man he said he was, the man he promised to be, his vow that he was not “like all the others,” when in fact he was worse than all of them. I wanted to grow old with the man he appeared to be, that’s what hurt the most. But you’re right – my grieving was over long ago and now it’s time to LIVE!

  9. Lee

    February 28, 2013 at 5:46 am

    One more thought:

    People looking at a relationship from the outside naturally assume that the real quality of the relationship is like what the couple is presenting publicly. Most of them don’t know what is happening internally in the two people, and what the relationship is truly like when nobody is watching. When people ask questions like the ones they are asking Awana, it may be based on the assumption that the quality of your relationship actually was what they perceived it to be from the public persona that had been presented to them. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing to put on a happy face in public. It’s not necessarily a good idea to air all of our dirty laundry for everyone to see. Some people will misunderstand, and others will take advantage. But a certain amount of surprise and disbelief is natural for those who think that the relationship was very different than it actually was.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 1, 2013 at 8:54 pm

      The Public Persona was always so important to M and I’m sure it’s lost me some “friends” along the way because, as you say, they believed the face we put on in public. Sad but true. I was never allowed to express my feelings in public and that makes me very angry because now he can play the role of victim and I have no recourse. Whatever. I don’t have time to play any more games. I no longer want to air the truth in public, but if anyone asks, I tell the unvarnished truth about where I am and why I left, leaving out his name and identity. It’s been liberating 🙂

  10. Goddess

    February 28, 2013 at 7:12 am

    I wish to be where you are. I can tell that your’re happier and enjoying life. I need to stop letting certain christian people convince me that I’m obligated by God to stay in this abusive relationship.
    I was feeling happy and now I’m so torn down again. I envy your happiness and look forward to finding my own.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 1, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      I have huge issues with Organized Religion and the hypocrisy of the Church. Any religion that places Man above Woman for any reason is a huge problem in my mind. People are equal. Partners should work as a team. As soon as some book written (and heavily edited) by men “of the cloth” is used as a weapon against women, my blood starts to boil. If I were there beside you in person I would strongly urge you to turn your back on any institution that stifles your freedom to be the best human being you can be. We were not put on this earth to be tortured by others, and no one can convince me that torture in the name of religion is right, no matter who is doing it. People have done horrible, horrible things to others in the name of religion since time began, but that doesn’t make it right.

  11. El Guapo

    February 28, 2013 at 12:37 pm

    Wow! It’s like a flashback episode!
    At least you have Awana (hopefully others) who are concerned about your happiness, and checking on you to make sure you’re all right.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 1, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      You’re right, and I am grateful that people care about my well being. I thought that post was necessary for those who are arriving late to my brain dump and needed a little catch-up 🙂

  12. Jenny

    February 28, 2013 at 8:32 pm

    A note to Goddess…I was Morman at the time my husband left me for another woman and he tortured me verbally, emotionally, physically. I was so glad he left and my church helped me pay to start the divorce!! God wants you to be happy and this person that is torturing you is not the person God wants you to be with….I KNOW! God put Dan in my life 8 yrs later and I know he was God sent.

    • Goddess

      March 1, 2013 at 4:31 pm

      Jenny, I love hearing stories of women that have come through to the other side and are happy. We had to leave the church we were attending…we were evicted and lost our vehicle. I really hate him right now, thinking of all the terrible situations he put his family in.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 1, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      Hear, hear!

  13. Awana

    March 2, 2013 at 3:11 am

    Well, I should say here that the other comments were” Hasn’t Sofia blossomed?” Doesn’t she look better and better all the time?” Wow! She really looks good today!” and other positive things. I think they just say it to me so as not to hurt her feelings–again, that’s how people are! Just a little afraid to say it out loud; confirmation, as it were. she is genuine; inside Towanda and out! I should take a hint….

  14. Jenny

    March 2, 2013 at 8:33 pm

    I want to see the new photo’s of your pretty face and shorter hair. I got my hair cut shorter last Tuesday

  15. Goddess

    March 3, 2013 at 8:31 pm


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