Chumplady has posted today inviting all us Chumps to share in the comments the stupidest lie we bought from our abusers. I posted one story from my days with ex#2 in the comments and it brought up another humiliating experience. In the interest of getting this off my chest, I will relate it here.
It was just before Memorial Day weekend and ex#2 (herinafter referred to as D because that’s easier to type quickly) came to me with a fantastic (in his mind) proposal for a Holiday Camping Trip – the secretary where he worked had invited “everyone” to come to her family’s house near the Coast to camp in their yard. It was a big Family Tradition and only the best friends and family were invited. We would camp and cook over a fire and do all the Fun Stuff we didn’t get to do in the Big City where we lived. My son was about 10 and loved to go camping. I didn’t like it much any more because D made it miserable for me, but that’s another story.
I had a funny feeling about D’s relationship with “Sondy” as he called her, but I didn’t trust my gut and had no real proof. The whole thing sounded strange and I really didn’t want to go but he insisted that we had to go together as a family and in the end I gave in and off we went.
We were to meet at Sondy’s apartment and follow her to the house. Surprisingly, D knew the way, although he said he had never been there before. My gut was screaming that he was lying, but it was too late to back out now.
We arrived at her apartment and D bolted from the car like his pants were on fire, skipping up the steps and knocking on her door. No hesitation about looking for the number, no doubt about the right door. He had obviously been there before. H and I followed him and went inside.
Sondy had two teenaged children, a boy and a girl, and her apartment had two bedrooms. Imagine my surprise when there was a big bed, all made up with frilly covers in the space where a breakfast table would normally be set up in any normal apartment. D gave the bed a significant look, then gave Sondy a significant look and I could taste the tension in the room like spoiled cheese on my tongue.
I wanted to puke, but made nice and soon we were off, D distracted and following Sondy’s car down the highway. I made a snarky remark about how he seemed to know right where she lived and he made a lame reply about it not being my concern. They were “friends,” after all. Huh.
We arrived at Sondy’s family house and D immediately abandoned me, giving instructions for me to set up the tent, etc. and took a walk down by the creek with Sondy. My son followed along, so they didn’t have any privacy, which clearly annoyed D, but what could he say?
I was introduced to Sondy’s family who all gave me pitying looks that I didn’t understand. D followed her around like a love-sick puppy all afternoon until another man showed up. He was introduced as Sondy’s “friend” and when I asked D later who he was he said, “he’s safe,” which didn’t mean anything at the time, but struck me as very wrong. D was in a foul mood after the Other Man arrived and followed Sondy around with angry eyes, still ignoring me completely.
Oysters were prepared for dinner (which I HATE, a fact that D knew well) and everyone stood around drinking and having a great time, again, totally ignoring me. I felt worse and worse, my stomach in knots, waiting for something to happen. It felt like a bomb was about to go off.
A little later D followed Sondy into the house and when he came back out his face was softer and he once again looked at her with love in his eyes.
The brick finally fell onto my head and I realized that D got me out to Sondy’s house so that she could tell me that they were going to be a couple and that my son and I were out of the picture. This little camping trip was to audition him for her family! She lost her nerve and refused. I put H to bed and joined him soon after, crying myself into a stupor.
D came in and asked if I was alright. “Oh, sure! I’m just FINE!” I replied. He disappeared out of the tent and didn’t come back until I was asleep.
The next morning I demanded that we leave. He argued with me that it would be rude if we just left but I insisted that I did not want to be where I wasn’t wanted. I was not comfortable with those people, especially Sondy and I wanted to go home NOW!
This was the first time I stood up to him and he was confused. The weekend was not going as planned and he was frustrated and irritated. I packed up our stuff as he continued to schmooze and act like nothing was amiss. He made a lame excuse about me having a headache and we went home.
He made some choice comments on the drive back, but I ignored him. I was exhausted but thought I had won some sort of battle. After all, he came home with me, didn’t he? I didn’t have the nerve or the words to confront him at the time, but I finally did just days before I moved out. His response? “I am not having an affair with Sondy! You can’t prove a thing!” Yeah.
What a Chump I was! He continued his affair with her until I moved out and for some time afterwords as well, but I never had any Actual Irrefutable Proof so technically he didn’t have an affair, right? So said the Narc, but that’s another post.
Sigh. I feel better now.
How about you? Did you swallow a shit sandwich to keep the peace that you later realized you shouldn’t have? Do tell!
September 13, 2013 at 11:28 am
Wow. Just wow. I have no idea what to say to that. I’ve been lied to but I’ve never been treated like that.
September 13, 2013 at 11:32 am
Oh, yeah, I’ve been around. That was one of the most humiliating experiences I’ve had, but I didn’t think I was going to die. That happened with ex#1. Couple of times in fact. It’s a miracle I haven’t lost my mind 🙂
September 13, 2013 at 11:38 am
Oh I can just see it all happening. My ex did almost the same thing to me. Except he took off with her to a wedding! For the weekend! But they were just friends and he felt sorry for her, so he was doing her a BIG favor by going with her. There was nothing going on! Yeah, right. That was the same weekend I had 3 teeth pulled and was feeling like shit. But no sympathy for me. I was suppose to suck it up, while they went away for the weekend. Did I know what was going on? Yeah, pretty much. But by then I was so beat down I didn’t do anything about it. Stupid stupid stupid.
September 13, 2013 at 9:26 pm
Wow. That sucks. Sore face AND betrayal, all in the same weekend. I’m sorry.
“Just friends.” “I felt so sorry for her.” “You’re a terrible person for thinking I would do anything to hurt you.” I will never again believe those words. The assholes in my life have totally ruined it for me. I was not allowed to speak to men for fear I would succumb to their charms (yeah – WTF?) because I am weak willed, but he was allowed to have as many female friends as he wanted to. Hypocrisy anyone?
They beat us down, make us doubt our gut feelings and then go ahead and do whatever they want to anyway. I know one man who is perfectly honest about what he wants in a woman – pussy and distance. He makes no bones about it. He wants a woman who will do things that he likes to do, have sex and then go back to her life. It’s shallow and creepy, but at least he’s honest. There will be no commitment from him, but any woman stupid enough to take a chance knows exactly what she’s in for and can make an informed choice.
The rest of them aren’t so kind as to announce themselves.
September 13, 2013 at 11:46 am
But you did stand up to him, and you did leave him.
September 13, 2013 at 9:28 pm
I did stand up to him that time. It took another year for me to leave him, but yeah, I did it in the end. Turns out I was fulfilling a very specific function for him. You see, his ex-wide had cheated on him and (according to him) hurt him deeply. I was his chance to “get even” with what she had done. He was going to hurt me before I hurt him to restore balance in his life. To that end he did a bunch of really crappy things to me and my son. I think he felt pretty good about how things turned out. If he had any regrets I never heard about them. I have heard that he’s alone now, so I guess Karma has finally gotten to him 🙂
September 13, 2013 at 11:52 am
Mine had the nerve to take me to dinner at her house, with her husband and children, while I was pregnant with my daughter. They way they laughed and giggled through the whole meal made me more nauseous than the morning sickness. I kept looking at her husband to see if I was totally off my rocker, and the look of disgust on his face told me I wasn’t.
September 13, 2013 at 9:29 pm
Ouch! They really know how to turn the knife, don’t they? That took some balls – a meeting of lovers while dining with their respective spouses. Wow. I have no words. So sorry.
September 14, 2013 at 4:24 am
They are experts at acting above reproach. I forgot all about this night until I read this. Funny thing, her name was Sandy. I wasn’t as brave as you. I never confronted him about it. I’m sorry he dragged you and your son to that trip.
September 14, 2013 at 8:00 am
Experts is right! He would turn any bad behavior on his part around until I was to blame. I did not confront him about the way he’d acted, just insisted that I wanted to leave. I didn’t actually accuse him until the day before I left and he denied it right up until the end. Whatever. I’m over it. Mostly. I need to write a book. I was walking the dog this morning thinking I should just reveal my identity and start naming names, but that would just open me up for a slander lawsuit. I’m running on so little sleep right now it actually seems like a good idea. Maybe I’ll take a nap and re-think it 🙂
September 14, 2013 at 8:12 am
Based on my experience only, keep his name and your last name off of it. Yes, these assholes deserve to have their “good name” ruined, but it could cost you. I go to court in 13 days to defend Deliberate Donkey because I link I used (over a year ago) exposed his identity. Now I could be forced by the same judge who took my children from my safe home and put them in his dangerous home to shut down and delete DD.
September 14, 2013 at 8:23 am
When I get this crazy notion, I remember you, Mel, and choke back the outrage. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter, that I’m a bigger person. I’m still pissed that he has no consequences and I’m getting tired of waiting for Karma, but I will go on. Much luck in court! Surely there’s a way to continue DD if the judge shuts it down – maybe through another person? I volunteer to help in whatever way I can, just drop me a note.
September 14, 2013 at 8:39 am
Hopefully the judge will not be a total asshole this time around, but hope is a dangerous drug. If the judge shuts it down absolutely, then it has to come down completely to avoid jail. If he puts any conditions on it, like my posts have to come down but the community posts can stay up, then it’s a different story. What Donkey is asking for is for the entire blog to be deleted (every story from everyone included) and for me to be prohibited from ever telling my story there or on any other blog ever again.
Thank you for your offer. I will let everyone know what the outcome is once there is an outcome.
September 13, 2013 at 12:20 pm
holy hell. He had some nerve. What a complete asshole.
September 13, 2013 at 9:29 pm
Yep. That says it all, really.
September 13, 2013 at 12:23 pm
I was once engaged… many years before I met the current queen. We were college sweethearts. We fought, constantly. Eventually, she made a new friend where she worked… and began spending a lot of time with him. I suspected. I did my best to play nice, to not be jealous, to keep the peace and keep us together. She lost her engagement ring one day, while walking on the beach with him while I was at work. That’s the story. I bought it. I did my best to continue to keep us together for awhile after that until the inevitable happened and we fell apart.
She moved in with him when she moved out of my house.
Chump? Yep, that’s me.
September 13, 2013 at 9:30 pm
But now you have your Queen and a handsome new Prince. Your Happy Ending has arrived, giving us all hope that there’s something better out there 🙂
September 13, 2013 at 10:40 pm
There is. 🙂
September 13, 2013 at 1:35 pm
Mine took me to a fourth of july party, while I was pregnant, then pretty much did the same yours did. The fact that he did it more than once doesn’t make me feel good for how long I put up with all his crap before I got out.
September 13, 2013 at 9:31 pm
We can’t help but deny our guts and believe the best of them – it’s why we’re chumps. It speaks volumes about THEM when this shit happens. We need to send them all to an island somewhere…
September 13, 2013 at 3:01 pm
I guess I don’t fully qualify as a Chump. When my ex wanted to do that sort of thing, I said, “Not gonna happen!” She thought I was being a complete jerk and totally unreasonable. Funny how the narc brain works . . . .
September 13, 2013 at 9:32 pm
Oh, I tried that approach. I was told that I was being childish and naive. I was told that Normal People had Mature Friendships and I needed to get a grip. Or counseling. Narcs have no shame. Glad we’re both free from them 🙂
September 15, 2013 at 7:10 am
Yep, it’s always you who has a problem, not them. However, though my ex did get under my skin, she never got me under her thumb. For me, telling her “Not gonna happen” wasn’t an “approach”; it was just a fact: No matter what she said, I wasn’t going to give her adultery my stamp of approval by socializing with her lover. I had *some* pride, and I was not gonna play the chump.
September 13, 2013 at 6:30 pm
That’s horrible, but good for you for standing up to him.
September 13, 2013 at 9:33 pm
It wasn’t the first time he pulled something like that and it wasn’t the last, but in the end I won because I have a fabulous life now!
September 13, 2013 at 9:37 pm
Yes you did win and I’m thrilled to hear that you’re enjoying life now!! You knit things right? If so do you sell what you knit? There is a reason I”m asking
September 14, 2013 at 7:57 am
I do sell what I knit and I sell patterns. I’m actually in a bit of a quandary about that – I have over a dozen patterns and can’t decide to re-write and publish them again under my new ID or to design and knit others for sale under my new label. I also sell my handspun yarn.
September 14, 2013 at 8:10 am
That’s awesome, the reason I was asking, is I think you know that we have a new site, http://www.wepoetsshowit.com we’d be happy to showcase what you do. We showcase all art forms and I’m sure there would be people out there interested. If you want the extra publicity we be happy to help with that. It’s free. What’s your new label? Do you have a website or blog where you sell?
September 14, 2013 at 8:27 am
Wow! Thanks! I’ve been composing a blog post in my head this AM (damn kitten woke me up multiple times last night and I am groggy today) and trying to decide what to do. I bought a domain name but have yet to start an official business under the new identity – Starting Over Designs. I should probably get all official and get a business bank account and all the other stuff before I put things up for sale? Can’t seem to wrap my head around what needs to be done and am considering just hiring someone to do the paperwork because I’m stuck for some reason.
September 14, 2013 at 8:39 am
You’re welcome! On no did the kitten think it was play time? 😦 If you need help with setting up a site and account, my partner in crime does that. She’s starting a new business in that..lol Yes maybe we should wait until you’re ready to start selling. When you are, if you want we can showcase some of your work and get a blub on what you do, and put up your site link. It’s a lot of work eh setting up a site! We just have the “extra’s” package through WP right now, but will be moving it into a website soon, WP doesn’t allow one to sell or do affiliate marketing and such.