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A sewing machine, $100 bill and chit chat

08 Dec

Escape plans have been delayed, but not cancelled. More details later.

M asked me on Sunday if I could “schedule” some time to show him how to use a sewing machine* to sew up his sails, since he has “hours and hours” of time on his hands. Whatever. I told him Thursday would work for me.

Thursday dawned, rainy and blustery – the perfect day to say indoors and Do Stuff. I showed him how to wind the bobbins, thread the machine, set tension and stitch width and I left him to it.

Half an hour later he needs help. Of course. I straightened him out and left the room again. Lather, rinse, repeat for about six hours. He kept making comments:

“Don’t you just want to take this out of my hands when you see how clumsy I am?” he asked. “Nope. You’re learning to use the machine – just as you asked.”

“My hands are just too big to do this easily,” he moaned. “Patience. You’ll get it.” was my reply. “But I don’t have any patience!”

“My back is killing me!” he whined. “Yes, it’s not a very ergonomic setup is it?”**

“It’s freezing out here!” “Well, it is an unheated room with a concrete floor.** Perhaps you would like another jacket?”

“I was really hoping you would just take over when you saw how hard this is for me,” and we’re finally arriving at the point of the whole exercise.

“I thought you wanted me to teach you to use the machine so you could do the work yourself. That’s what you asked me to do, isn’t it?”

“It’s become clear that you don’t want to work on my projects, so I thought I had to do it all on my own.”

“I did exactly as you asked,” and I left the room yet again.

The day did not go by the script he had written, and that was a huge disappointment for him. Can I call it a victory? No. Playing these games is so pointless that it can’t be called a victory. It’s stupid. It’s a waste of time. So, I’m looking at it this way – he got exactly what he asked for, no more no less. If he’s going to continue to ask for one thing but expect another, he is in for a surprise – I’m not playing the “guess what M really wants” game any more.

Friday morning and he “reminds” me that he needs to put fuel in his truck as he has an appointment in town. He “reminds” me that I said I would prefer he didn’t use “the card” for purchases and that he will need cash. Fine. I have a list of things to do while he’s out of the house, so I hand him a $100 bill.

“Is this a hundred?” he asks, holding it up to the light to be sure. As if I would be handing him a tenner when I know how much it takes to gas up his monster truck? I was beyond insulted, but let it go and he left. The nerve of him acting like that after I gave him the money he demanded!

I spent the next two hours sorting and packing. I hauled five paper grocery sacks to the Goodwill truck – no sense storing things that I haven’t looked at in three years. It’s nothing that he will notice, but my things are getting organized and will be easier to transport quickly. The more I look around, the less I want to take with me.

He has started a new evening routine. When I arrive home, he is reading a book on the couch or in “his” chair. He ignores me as I walk in, doesn’t even look up. After I take off my coat and put my stuff away he looks up as if surprised. He may or may not say hi, but he doesn’t put down his book. I make myself a cup of tea and settle in with my book or knitting project since he has made no effort to make food and now is not even mentioning whether or not he is hungry. I refuse to cook on the nights I get home after 7:30 PM.

He then puts his book down and wants to chat. About nothing. He just wants to interrupt and irritate me. I respond as little as possible because I am trying not to show how angry his disregard makes me.

Does he think this is the way back into my panties?

* I have seen him use a sewing machine on many occasions. He knows how they work and could have used the machine at any time without torturing me with his bullshit. This was all a ruse to coerce me into doing something that he feels I “owe” him, but I’m done with that now.

** But it’s good enough for me, isn’t it? I am required to keep My Projects out of sight and tidy so as not to offend his delicate sense of order. Whatever.

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16 responses to “A sewing machine, $100 bill and chit chat

  1. goldfish

    December 9, 2012 at 9:17 am

    “I was really hoping you would just take over when you saw how hard this is for me”

    Passive agress much? I hope your plans get back on the rails soon.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      December 9, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      I know, right? And he calls me passive/aggressive! I am so sick of his projection. I refuse to play his game and it’s really pissing him off 🙂

       
      • goldfish

        December 9, 2012 at 12:33 pm

        Good for you. I hope it doesn’t get you into too much trouble though. I would sleep better at night if you were out of there.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        December 9, 2012 at 1:15 pm

        I am so angry right now that I don’t care. Took a good look around and have pretty much decided that if he tells me to go fuck myself one more time I will leave with what can be loaded into my car in a red hot fury and never look back.

         
  2. Melanie

    December 9, 2012 at 11:19 am

    Jeez. What a passive-aggressive dirt-bag.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      December 9, 2012 at 12:09 pm

      It’s all my fault, according to him – I have such a tight hold on My Stuff that he just can’t get anything done, poor man. Asshole.

       
      • Melanie

        December 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm

        All blame blame blame. You aren’t doing his projects, you aren’t sharing your stuff, you aren’t offering to do it for him…it’s HIS project. Isn’t the point of having this kind of project to actually be the one to do the project? He’s a jerk. I hope you’re out soon.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        December 9, 2012 at 12:53 pm

        I was supposed to adopt his hobbies (sailing and wooden boat restoration) and give up my land-based passions (horses and wool) so that he could finally have the kind of love he always dreamed of, where two people think and act as one. Problem is, he is Captain Bligh and I discovered that I can only take so much before I am a weeping wreck and have to get the hell off the boat. My reaction to what he considers totally normal is MY problem, and so I refuse to get on a boat with him or “help” him with his projects. He sees this as a betrayal.

        BTW, I had to sell my horse because it took too much of my time away from him. I have virtually given up all of my hobbies because of his constant complaints, criticism and general harassment. He does not see my losses as anything of value and refuses to acknowledge his part in causing my misery. Granted, I gave in to his demands, which was totally my decision, so I admit that I sacrificed a big part of myself for the sake of our relationship. I realize that I was wrong in letting him convince me to kill my creativity and sense of purpose for the sake of a lying man, and it’s not a mistake I will ever make again.

        He keeps telling me that I need to take responsibility for my part in getting us to where we are today, but I don’t think he was expecting me to wake up and take a good look around at what is really happening between us. He believes his mask is still in place, but as the middle of the month nears, it’s slipping again and this will be the last time I submit to his fury.

         
      • Melanie

        December 9, 2012 at 1:37 pm

        He wants you to take responsibility for what he sees as your part in the relationship, not the truth. He can’t understand. I’m so sorry. Your plans will all come together and you will get your moment to leave.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        December 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm

        He refuses to understand, and that is the biggest problem. He refuses to take responsibility for years of abusive behavior – he insists that I force him to be abusive. His reality is so far from truth that he doesn’t even make sense any more. His facade has cracked and I see the Real Him underneath the mask and he can’t bear it.

         
      • Melanie

        December 11, 2012 at 2:23 pm

        They love to tell us we force them to be abusive. That’s such bullshit. I’m glad you see it now. Stay strong; your day will come.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        December 12, 2012 at 12:46 pm

        I have fully embraced the fact that I can’t change his behavior, only my reaction to it. He would have me believe otherwise, but I know the score now 🙂

         
  3. Awana

    December 10, 2012 at 2:51 am

    …And I say…..”Girl, he aint’ right.” Don’t feel bad or obligated, you have done your part. Time to move on and explore life. Just fold it up and put it away and go on. and don’t be so furious; it doesn’t look good on you. You have to get to the “big flying ‘W'” where the future looks much more interesting than the past. and listen to a little Brubeck! It will help you chill….

     
  4. Lee

    December 11, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Everything you describe about him fits the pattern of an abusive, controlling person–right down to his pressuring you to give up everything you love in order to wrap your life around his and adopt his loves as your own.

    A person who truly loves you will feel joy in seeing you do the things *you* love to do.

    He is completely wrapped up in self-love. That self-absorption twists everything he thinks, believes, and says into a false perception of reality that supports his self-centered loves and goals.

    As long as you are with him, he will continue his active campaign to get you to accept and adopt his false version of reality (which he truly believes) in order to get you to bend over, bow down to him, and subject your will to his will.

    From his perspective, the purpose of your life is to serve him and cater to his every whim. His goal in the relationship (even if he doesn’t realize or admit it) is to make himself the lord and master, and you the servant and slave. As long as you are with him, that will be his goal and his campaign.

    It occurred to me the other day that his filling up “your room” with his stuff, with the dogs and their stuff, and generally preventing you from actually using it to engage in your own loves and activities, is rather symbolic of your life and relationship with him as a whole, isn’t it?

    Meanwhile, I’ve written a post on my blog that you might find helpful in steeling yourself for the big break:

    Can Christians be Hardass?
    http://leewoof.org/2012/12/09/can-christians-be-hardass/

     
    • Sofia Leo

      December 11, 2012 at 2:16 pm

      I read your post, Lee, and I have to say that it was eye-opening. The way people twist scripture to suit their own needs makes me sick, which is why I have only a passing acquaintance with the Bible. I plan to remedy that in the future 🙂

      I always had the idea that a truly loving relationship meant accepting a person for who they were, not who you wanted them to be, that both parties were equal and valuable. Sadly, that has not been my actual experience. I realize now that it is my responsibility to set boundaries about what I will accept from another person and that has had a profound effect on how I view relationships and how I see my current situation.

      He is, indeed, trying to force all of my individuality out of the house and out of his life, while professing to cherish me and my special skills. I can now see this for the deception it is. What he does not understand is that I see him now, who he really is, and it has allowed me to step back and view him and our relationship in a new, more objective light.

      His world is about to be rocked, but he’s too blind to see it coming.

       

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