Confession Time

19 Apr

I had contact with the Narc this week. Three times, in fact.

He called me up Tuesday evening and asked if I was free for dinner. I was starving and said yes if I could pick the place. We met at my favorite Mexican restaurant and I ordered my favorite meal. He started out polite and mellow, very like the mask he presented when we first met. I’m sure he was thinking that I would fall into his arms, a victim of his charming demeanor. It sounded to me like he’d been working on his sound bites for quite some time – the delivery was so smooth. I was ready for Mr. Hyde to show up and curious to see what form he would take this time. It’s like a fascinating experiment – I can’t look way because I want to see what the blob turns into next.

About half way through the meal, his tone changed. Oh, no one on the outside would have noticed it, but it was like a red cape in front of a bull to me. He went from asking questions that any stranger would ask to trying to pry out of me where I was living, what it cost, what “things” I might have bought, etc. My throat closed up and I went into Evasion Mode. I gave no outward sign that he was getting to me, and I think I was pretty convincing. When I drove away I headed for the library (not a direct route home as I didn’t want to take a chance that he would follow me, but there’s no way he could be stealthy in a big ol’ Ford F350 truck), seething the whole way because he thinks that I’m the same person he has tortured for the last 10 years. Does he think I’m stupid? Don’t answer that 🙂

This little meeting confirmed that I can hold my own with him, not losing my temper or allowing him to walk on me. I did divulge that I’m house-sitting for the next couple of weeks and will not be available to watch the cat for him. He said that he would try to make other arrangements. He asked if he could come over and watch TV “or something.” Yeah…Hell NO! I told him it was not appropriate, was not going to happen and not to ask again and he dropped it.

I was angry that he was still trying his bullshit all the while protesting that he is now enlightened and understands why I would be punishing him for his transgressions now. He raved about how the Celebrex takes the edge off his anger and anxiety and that he’s a New Man. Whatever.

Then on Wednesday, after a day full of good news, he calls me and says that he was cleaning Snowball’s butt and cut her with the scissors and would I please come out and take a look before it got dark? He was worried that it was serious (Angora rabbits have incredibly thin and delicate skin and they don’t always flinch [being prey animals they don’t show weakness] when you’re getting close to their skin like a dog or cat will and you can’t feel the difference between hair and skin as you cut – you have to be careful and know where you are, anatomically speaking) and he “valued” my “expert” opinion. Sigh. Well, the day had been awesome up ’til then and nothing could possibly get me down. I do have an obligation to the buns.

I hurried out there and examined Snowball. The cut was bleeding, but not seriously at that point. I washed it out some more, sealed the edge with a bit of super glue (relax – it’s exactly what the vet would have done with this type of wound) and went on my way. The whole time he was chatting with me, telling me…actually, I don’t really remember what he was babbling on about. I was bubbling with my good news and almost told him that I would be working a lot over the Summer, maybe moving over to The Valley and how happy I was about it, but he was droning on and I didn’t want to share. I left after he thanked me profusely but before he could invite me to stay for dinner.

And then yesterday I went out again to look at Snowball and make sure she’s not swollen or anything (the wound has closed and is well on the way to healing – rabbits heal very fast) start her on some antibiotics just in case, check Steve and groom them both. M said that he had a doctor’s appointment in the morning, so I tried to get out there early enough to miss him, but no dice – he showed up about 10 minutes after I arrived. He came out to the rabbit yard and talked while I did the bunny stuff. The topic was how I should move back out there and how he could live on his boat much cheaper than whatever I was doing (what am I doing, by the way?) it would solve so many problems, blah, blah, blah.

We sat and drank a cup of tea. He nattered on about how he is a New Man and he hopes that I’ll have the patience to see him through his Personality Transplant (my words) so we can go back to how it used to be when we were happy. At that point I had heard enough and began to get testy. He told me that what I am doing is “punishing” him. He kept interjecting phrases like, “I don’t mean to accuse you of anything…” and “I don’t mean to discount what you’re saying or feeling, but…”

I had told him when he arrived that I had to meet someone and was going to leave at a specific time. He kept up with his bullshit, delaying my leaving, trying to control me, and that really pissed me off. I left in a rage and it wasn’t until I was well away from there that I figured out why. He told me that by doing something for myself (leaving his ass) I was “punishing” him for things he still doesn’t believe he did. That’s the whole crux of the matter. It’s always about him, and it will always be about him and what I want or feel will never matter.

I blew off his bad vibes and got packed to go take care of The Boys – two pugs and a Boston terrier. They are Princes in their home and they know it. Sabu has her nose a bit out of joint, but we’re working it out. At the moment, all is silent, but it can’t last much longer so I’ll try to wrap this up.

M called last night. I wanted to tell him what I thought about his “punishing” statement, so I picked up. What followed was a long dialogue. He had obviously prepared his statements. I shot holes in every one of his “epiphanies.” I refuted each of his statements and gave examples of why he is wrong. Oh, yes, I was prepared, too. He was not expecting me to fight back, and I think he was surprised. I told him to keep studying, that he is getting closer to the answer to his psychology, but he’s not there yet.

Yes, I was condescending. Yes, I was rather nasty at times. He has to know that I see through his mask. Maybe he doesn’t want to believe that yet. He said that he’s totally open to whatever I have to say and that he will listen to me. If I find that he’s not listening he gave me permission (!!!) to yell at him to get his attention. Hah! I wish I had recorded him so you all could hear what a desperate Narc sounds like. I need to figure out a way…

I don’t think he got any satisfaction out of the conversation. Oh, sure, he got me to talk to him, but he didn’t hear what he wanted to hear and he’s not going to.

You might think that this was a ridiculous exercise that will only lead to pain, but I’m hopeful that it will lead him to understand that I’m never coming back, that it doesn’t matter how he “changes” or what he thinks, it’s over. If he comes to that conclusion on his own, it will be easier for me in the end, as he will be able to complete his Narc Cycle and move on, forgetting me forever instead of stalking me to the ends of the earth. Every time he tries to convince me to come back I emerge from the confrontation with a stronger conviction to stay away. By sparring with him this way, I feel powerful. He is not physically threatening to me and now he is no longer emotionally threatening, either. I feel no qualms about moving for work and telling him some time after it’s done. Or maybe not at all. I will need to come back to care for the rabbits, but there might be a chance to rehome them over in The Valley, and that would solve all of my problems at once.

Time and distance solve all problems, just as saltwater washes all cares away. Bonus points to whoever can name the author I just paraphrased. Hint: he wrote 20 books in a series and a movie was made that incorporated pieces from three of them.


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28 responses to “Confession Time

  1. behindthemaskofabuse

    April 19, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    I’m glad you’re okay xo

    • Sofia Leo

      April 19, 2013 at 9:36 pm

      I am better than okay – I’m freaking great! Even with M’s bullshit, my life is finally heading in a good direction and the only way it could get better today is if it started raining money. I went outside, but it’s still just rain 🙂

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        April 20, 2013 at 9:45 am

        I love to hear that! You just sound like you’re feeling so free!! I like the idea of raining money!!! lol

  2. Jenny

    April 19, 2013 at 11:49 pm

    The sooner you no longer talk to him the happier I’ll be, I swear you are getting your jollies watching him squirm!!

    • Sofia Leo

      April 20, 2013 at 9:32 pm

      I am sort of enjoying myself because I know he can’t reach me. And soon he won’t even know what town I live in. He tortured me for 10 years and a little revenge is good for my soul 🙂 Okay, not really, but I was bored.

  3. goldfish

    April 20, 2013 at 9:44 am

    What a jerk. Good for you for standing up to it.

    • Jenny

      April 20, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      I think it is quite interesting that my X-husband is afraid to talk to me now, have a feeling the gal he took off with and married thinks I want him back and he does not want to her her rant….no way do I want a Narc back but I have to laugh that my life took off for the better once I got rid of him and thanked “HER” for taking the asshole. She got a shock of her life when he started in on her where he left off with me!!! She hates that I succeeded with a better life and a better husband!! She’s been lying to my kids & grandkids to get their favor and one is acting like Narcs so I have stayed clear of them all, some day the truth will be known….especially the day I die and they receive a envelope saying ” if you have received this note you have been cut off and will not inherit anything because you chose to be mean hateful people and not treat me with love and respect” Hey what goes around comes around!!

      • goldfish

        April 20, 2013 at 2:49 pm

        Yeah! You tell ’em. Although I do feel a little sorry for his new wife. No one should have to live with a Narc.

      • Sofia Leo

        April 20, 2013 at 9:30 pm

        New wife? LOL! He should have a fun time finding someone else at this stage 🙂

  4. themanywordsofpenelopecartergreen

    April 20, 2013 at 9:26 pm

    I know what a desperate Narc sounds like. I know that they deliberately hurt the things we love to gain control over us. I know that he is never going to learn the lessons that you think he is.

    He didn’t have the ability to care for a human (you). He wouldn’t think twice about harming rabbits. He’s still in control if he has them. Get them and you away, or this is going to wind up very bad for all of you.

    I’m not judging, I’ve been there…you will never be able to reason or outsmart. They can’t reason and they are dumber than a box of rocks.

    Please, get away. Far away. I don’t know you, but I care about you.

    • Sofia Leo

      April 20, 2013 at 9:30 pm

      Very soon. I have a friend over in The Valley who is likely to take them. Gotta get everything lined out, and I’m outta there. No worries. Really – he’s not freaking out yet, still in the stage where he tries to be reasonable.

      I don’t even care if he learns a lesson – let his next victim sort it out. I will be far away very soon, rabbits and all.

      Thank you for your concern.

  5. Jenny

    April 21, 2013 at 11:25 am

    I really hope you get the bunnys a new home, I seriously wonder did he hurt the bunny to get you over there? You really need to get as far away as possible!!! Any idiot would have gotten the message now you are NOT coming back and I sure as hell would not have had dinners with him!!! Having dinner with him gave him hope. I personally would not have done that!

    • Sofia Leo

      April 21, 2013 at 8:32 pm

      I don’t think he hurt the bunny to get me over there. He could have done any number of other things to get me to respond to him. I believe it was an accident. He plays mental games, not physical games.

      I knew I would get some backlash for going out to dinner with him, but I was starving and feeling generous. I feel that it’s a good exercise for me, to prove that I can interact with him without getting hurt. I feel that it makes me stronger and reaffirms that my decision to leave him was the right one.

      And after all, didn’t he give me hope for years that he would be my Prince Charming? Doesn’t he deserve a little bit of his own medicine? I know, that’s selfish and mean of me and makes me feel small if I dwell on it too long, but there ya go – I’m human and fallible.

      Soon it won’t matter – I will be miles away, living my life, earning Real Money at a job I love with people who are intellegent, kind and above all else Real. Anything more is just gravy 🙂

  6. Jenny

    April 21, 2013 at 11:34 am

    @ Goldfish, the wife of my X has been with him now 30 turbulent yrs and they are two peas in a pod BOTH NARCS!!! Sometimes I think she is worse because she started the affair and SHE is the one lieing to my kids and grandkids about me. She goes balistic when I am around and I can only come up with she is still jealous I have it all now and did not crumble like she hoped I would.

  7. Jenny

    April 21, 2013 at 11:41 am

    After 30 yrs you’d think someone would say they are sorry for hurting you but thru Sofia and Dr. Phil I FINALLY get what Narcs are and they will NEVER say they are sorry because they don’t believe they have done anything wrong…..I thought I was playing by the rules in life and now the puzzle pieces are all in place and realize THEY don’t play by the same rules and THEY will NEVER say they are sorry so at least now I know WHY and can move on in my life and dust my hands off that at least I should feel good that these crazy people are not part of my life anymore and don’t need them!!! There’s some real sick people out there and each of us has to be aware and protect ourselves but we need the KNOWLEDGE to know how to do that so when we DO have to deal with these kind of people we are armed and ready to defend ourselves!!

    • Sofia Leo

      April 21, 2013 at 8:27 pm

      There’s never closure with Narcs, never an admission of wrongdoing unless it’s a lie they tell to get you to do something Right Now – they will withdraw their apology like nothing happened and go right back to their abusive behavior. You’re so much better off without them!

  8. Not Quite Alice

    April 21, 2013 at 5:38 pm

    “I don’t think he got any satisfaction out of the conversation. Oh, sure, he got me to talk to him, but he didn’t hear what he wanted to hear and he’s not going to.”
    That was the best part. Keep it up sunshine! I’m so happy for you. Amazingly happy.

  9. positivagirl

    April 22, 2013 at 8:51 am

    Ah your week has been so similar to mine. Don’t you find it interesting though, once you know who and what they are….. that observing THEM becomes and interesting affair. He has tried numerous times this week, to control my mind, and to believe that he is now a new changed man, I have taught him so much (bullshit) so I thought ok…. lets see how long he can go without trying to control. it lasted a day – 🙂 and I could barely stop laughing.

    Of course, he KNOWS everything I know about his bullshit as he reads my blog. I watch, incredulously – wouldn’t get a meal out of him though, he is too much of a parasite for that. But he would come to my house and cook MY food for us!! lol

    • Sofia Leo

      April 22, 2013 at 5:17 pm

      It is interesting to watch him squirm and I wonder what that says about my mental state – does it bring me down to his level? Is it a sick and wrong approach to what he’s taken from me? Or a normal part of the healing process?

      I wonder what M would say if he knew about this blog. The fact that your Narc reads your blog and still tries his shit is very telling about the visions of grandeur that they all have – is he trying to prove that he’s better than that?

      • positivagirl

        April 22, 2013 at 5:21 pm

        Well, honestly, I think that he thinks he is some kind of minor celebrity. I am very honest in what I write, so most of it he cannot deny. As the stats rise (was 750 hits) 218 visitors today…. he actually thinks how his behaviour has helped all those other people lol….

        No, its not just you. He was out of my life last week, so I didn’t post for a week. I just couldn’t really think of anything. Usually I observe him, and find it really interesting. Mine is a sociopath, so I think he sees it as an opportunity to find out what I am really thinking. Its an interesting game. I can be lovely to him, then write a slamming post!! 🙂 lol… which really, is just what the sociopath does. Lovely to your face, and behind your back doing something completely different. I love to observe him, and analyse – I find it quite fascinating!! 🙂 …

      • Sofia Leo

        April 22, 2013 at 5:56 pm

        So happy to know that I’m not alone in finding these assholes interesting once you know the game. It’s a study in the very worst of human behavior. I bet yours does think he’s famous 🙂 Putz! They will never understand what/how we think because they are incapable of rational, REAL thoughts and feelings. It’s all about them and always will be. Got a good post coming up soon…

      • positivagirl

        April 22, 2013 at 6:00 pm

        Yeah, this will make you laugh…. i replied to a Sam Vankin video on you tube. Being the spy that he is, he read that (I guess he has me added)…. and I had written that he thought he was a minor celebrity, haha, and he wrote back a very long reply. About ME. Of course, I just didn’t respond. I think he told me about 9 times that he had written a response, and even emailed and told me on the phone twice :)…. my response was simply – and??!!! ….. all that effort for 0 reaction lol. Will look forward to reading what you write.

      • positivagirl

        April 22, 2013 at 5:24 pm

        I used to go to (and still do sometimes) a victims support group. When he would write you know those ranting emails (which would go into CAPITAL LETTERS when he wanted to prove a point) I would simply post his emails on the forum (taking out names and identifying information). and he would go there and sometimes write and argue with me. (He knew as he had hacked my email, facebook, mobile phone – pretty much every part of my privacy he violated) whilst keeping his own life top secret. They are some cookies that’s for sure 🙂

      • Sofia Leo

        April 22, 2013 at 5:58 pm

        That’s one of the worst hypocrisies that they insist upon – hacking your info and/or demanding Total Disclosure from you for any number of trumped-up reasons, all while denying you information that you need and leading a second life behind your back. It infuriates me!


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