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Gotta Bounce…

It’s time to get packed for yet another weekend away from Towanda. Now that the Narc is out of the picture, Sabu and I have become quite the Social Butterflies! Knitting pictures over on Travels with Towanda.

I just discovered that Sabu will chase the red laser light. OMG! I’m laughing so hard right now!

Anyway. Tomorrow (Saturday) marks 6 months away from the Narc! I thought it would feel more momentous, but I simply don’t have time to dwell on it any more. I certainly don’t feel sad, or like I made a mistake or am missing out on something. I feel pretty darned happy, actually. All.the.time. Happy, happy, happy. It’s amazing and wonderful and humbling in a way.

I look back and can’t quite believe that was my life. I will continue with the Narc…and posts because I want people to understand what it’s like to live with that kind of constant stress. I want people to be able to recognize a monster when they see one, to get out much sooner than I did, to understand that no one has to live that way – we all deserve so much better!

I also feel pretty strongly that I need to unmask, share my real identity with my readers here. I have a whole Other Life and it’s starting to overlap here. It’s confusing to talk to people who know me IRL, because I’m not sure what stories I’ve told and what they know about me. There are very few people who know me IRL and who read here, everyone else is out of one loop or the other and I’m having trouble keeping track 🙂

Of course, if I reveal my identity here, it means unmasking the Narc as well. It means putting up a post on my other blogs explaining my long absence and the Narc has those blogs in his live feed so he will know when I post. If I link from there to here it means the Narc will follow and know what I did, when I planned everything and how I live now. I just don’t know how to approach the subject.

What say you?

 
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Posted by on July 19, 2013 in Annaversaries, Happy, Today

 

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Morning Walk

Living in an RV does not provide any yard space for an active dog to romp in. Awana works nights, coming home around 0700, and she wants to exercise before she has to sleep for her next shift, so Sabu and I have been joining her on morning walks, weather and energy levels (mine) permitting.

This morning it’s sunny and still and we set off down the hill to the local bay front where we were rewarded with this view of the local fishing boats with the bridge in the background –

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERAWater like glass, sea lions barking in the distance. I think it’s safe at this point to say that I’m located on the Central Oregon Coast in a beautiful seaside community that I am learning to like a little more each day now that the Narc Cloud isn’t hanging over my head 24/7. I think at least one of my readers is located in Washington? Unmask via e-mail if you like 🙂 iwonttakeit@live.com

Awana and Sabu in the sunshine –

SANY3126An hour or so walking along the bay front today did wonders for my attitude. Sabu is pretty happy, too, as you can see 🙂 A quick shower, vacuum up the dog hair and we’re off to work. I hope you all are having a lovely Sunday.

Goddess – the post I commented on disappeared? Care to continue via e-mail?

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2013 in Digging Out, Dogs, Friends, RV Living, Today

 

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Was it only yesterday?

Today was my first full day of freedom and it totally rocked! I am exhausted in a good way and looking forward to getting up and doing it all again tomorrow.

Awana came over and we took her van full of stuff to storage and had breakfast at a local cafe we both love. I finally found the downside that I’ve been looking for – I am having trouble eating. Don’t hate me, but when I’m stressed, I stop eating, existing on caffeine and very little else. This will pass, but for the time being  it leaves me feeling stretched very thin. Don’t get me wrong, what I ate of my first meal as a Free Woman was delicious, I just couldn’t eat much.

While Awana went off to sleep before work I headed in to town to do some shopping. Somehow in the last couple of days I became a cheapskate 🙂 I found it very hard to part with my money, justifying every purchase in my mind before laying the cash down. There are things that I simply have to have (cleaning supplies, food, dog chew toys); things that I want to have but left behind and if I get them later, well, there’s no room for duplicates here in Towanda so I better wait; and then there are those things that I just WANT because I haven’t had them or have always wanted to have them. My mind couldn’t just shut down and let me get the shopping over with, but I plowed through and spent more than I wanted to (the second-hand shops were closed today) but less than was budgeted (go, me!) and now it’s done.

I bought the most adorable mini shop vac that you’ve ever seen! Hopefully it works well. Also bought a couple of knives that I couldn’t resist on the 50% off lowest price table. Who could resist polka dots? And a bargain at 10.39 for the pair!

I also got my hair cut off. More about that tomorrow, with pictures 🙂

I took the dog to the dog park where she was able to romp a bit. Surprisingly, she spent much more time sniffing than running – we were alone, as planned, so as to avoid any confrontations with other dogs. Awana is scheduled to go walking with us tomorrow morning after she gets off work – more doggie adventures to follow!

Awana called tonight before she left for work. The first question she asked shocked me speachless, “are you still happy about your decision?”

She had no way of knowing that I’d had a fan-fucking-tastic day, so I had to laugh and ease her mind. Honestly, it feels like a year has gone by since yesterday.

No tears, no regrets and when I folded out the couch last night I discovered that the mattress was still factory-wrapped – either new or never used! Probably never used as it doesn’t have that toxic off-gassing smell. Score! It was pretty damned comfortable and I slept like the dead for about six hours. My eyes popped open at 0630 and I was up for the day – that never happens!

And now I am knackered, as the English say, and will lay in my new bed in my new house and watch “Last of the Mohicans” until my eyes start to close.

 
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Posted by on January 21, 2013 in Digging Out, I totally Rock!, Today, Truth?

 

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Towanda!

Melanie of Deliberate Donkey has given my new home a name – Towanda! If you’ve seen the movie Fried Green Tomatoes or read the book, you know exactly why. If you  haven’t (you really should!) here’s the relevant quote:

Evelyn: I never get mad, Mrs Threadgoode. Never. The way I was raised, it was bad manners. Well, I got mad… and it felt terrific! I felt like I could beat the shit out of all those punks. Excuse my language. Just beat ’em to a pulp. Beat ’em till they begged for mercy! Towanda the avenger. And after I wipe out all the punks of this world, I’ll take on the wife-beaters, like Frank Bennett, and machine-gun their genitals! Towanda will go on the rampage. I’ll put tiny little bombs in Penthouse and Playboy so they’ll explode when you open them. And I’ll ban all fashion models who weigh less than 130 pounds. And I’ll give half the military budget to people over 65 and declare wrinkles sexually desirable. Towanda, righter of wrongs, queen beyond compare!

Ninny: How many of them hormones are you taking, honey?

That’s exactly how I feel. Awana is coming over early tomorrow morning to help me haul some stuff to storage. We should be able to take a good portion of the boxes in one trip, provided she’s willing to load up heavy and there’s no ice on the road – don’t want to scare her off with just one little errand 🙂

No word yet tonight from M, but I did get an e-mail from the friend who stores the boat at his house – he said that M is working his ass off out in the cold while he, the friend, sites inside the warm house. D has worked hard all week and needs his rest. M knew that before he went, so I reassured D that M is happiest working hard on his projects and not to feel bad, that I would be doing the same thing 🙂

I’ve already decided that if M shows up Sunday or Monday I will force a Final Confrontation and walk out. After all, I have a warm, safe place to go – I have nothing to fear on that count, so why not? Since I came back the last time, I figure he will let me go and not get physical, thinking that I’ll be back for my stuff anyway. He will be in for a big surprise when I come back with a truck and the police. He can’t deny me my possessions (as Awana so wisely pointed out) because they are all related to my various money-making enterprises businesses – he can’t deny me the ability to make a living. Ain’t that sweet?

Thank you all so much for your support and wise comments – it means so much to me!

 

 
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Posted by on January 19, 2013 in Digging Out, Escape Plans, I totally Rock!, Today

 

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Huh…

I woke up this morning, ten minutes before the alarm was set to go off* thinking about a conversation with M from last week. We were talking about money (no surprise there,) and I was asking him (again) how much he needed to have in the bank in order to feel “secure.” You will recall that the number has changed over the last six months or so, from “I had $200,000 when I met you and now I have nothing,” to “you should pay me $50,000 (half what I paid for this house) so you can lay claim to it. We could set up a payment plan…” to “enough to pay the bills for one year,” to the newest number, $10,000.

If he only had $10,000 in the bank, he could live comfortably for a year. No worries. People won’t believe that he can live so cheaply! They would be amazed! It’s not that much money, is it?

Now recall that I recently gained access to an account created through my last two employers that is worth $12,000. Huh. I woke up thinking, “did he really tell me that he wants me to give him my money? The money that I saved and invested? Is he really telling me that in order for him to feel “secure” I need to give up my only chance to escape?”

Srsly? I keep going over the conversation in my mind, and yes, I really do believe he was hinting that he would feel so much better (and treat me better because he feels good and that’s the only way he can possibly justify treating me like a human being) if I gave him $10,000.

$10,000 is the price he wants me to pay for the right to live with him, in the house that I knew nothing about when he bought it, working at a crappy minimum-wage job in a city I never would have chosen, being emotionally tortured on a nearly daily basis, subject to his every whim and rage, denied my opinions, hobbies and entertainments.

He put it so logically. So sweetly. In a soft voice, as if $10,000 is all that stands between him and eternal happiness.

Oh, hell no! I have the paperwork here beside me that will send MY money directly to my bank account. I will be filling in all the little boxes, crossing the T’s and dotting the I’s and marching to town to find a fax machine to send word that I want my cash and my freedom. The nice lady on the phone said that the transaction will take 3-4 business days. The website says that money won’t be deposited in my account for 10 days after they get my bank info. Either way, it won’t be long.

UPDATE: Strange thing happened while I was filling out the paperwork – I broke out in a sweat. An “OMG! I am being eaten by a bear!!!!” sweat. Hadn’t expected that! Showered and went into town to fax. Feeling better now, but quite anxious. Scanning the paperwork to be stored on a new external hard drive that will be stored elsewhere. The paper copies of anything important will start tonight’s fire. Deep breath! This is just the first step of many, but damn! It’s a big one. Thank you all for your support!

* Yes, even on my days off I set the alarm. I want nothing more than to sleep my life away, but that doesn’t get anything done, so I’m trying to re-train myself to a sleeping schedule. Same time to bed, same time to get up, no matter the day of the week. I’ve been lazy these last three years, having no office job to go to, and now it has caught up with me. I simply must get a grip!

 

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$50,000

That’s what he says I owe him – half of what he paid for the house we both live in. He also feels that I owe him the $20,000 that he lost with the sale of the last house, but he’s willing to write that off as a bad investment since it was his idea.

How do you all feel about this?

I had no knowledge of this house, no say in its purchase, no desire to live here, but here I am. Do I owe him anything?

He has a really good story about how he came to purchase this house and end up living here, but not one bit of it is in any way my “fault.” I had nothing to do with it, but he insists that the only reason he even has a house right now is because of me, and I owe him.

In fact, he would be living on a boat right now if it weren’t for the women in his life who wanted to live on land.* He is bitter towards his ex for “insisting” that he build her a house. He says that she agreed to buy the materials and he agreed to do the work, but (surprise!) he feels that she did not hold up her end of the bargain.

Now he feels that if I want to say, “but, the house is paid for, it’s not an expense we have to budget for,” it’s only fair that I own half of it because it’s money that he’s already spent. He would be happy to get a market estimate for what the house would likely sell for (at my expense) and use that as a base number and go with me to a bank to have an amortization schedule drawn up and I could pay him on contract.

Does any sane person feel this way? If you moved in with your mate, did he ask that you pay  him half the expense of the house you share? Am I wrong to be appalled by this? I had a perfectly good rental that I would have stayed in, a job that more than paid my bills, but he insisted that the rental was not good enough, and so he ended up losing money. Now I feel like I’m the one being made to pay for something that I never wanted in the first place. Something that I told him I thought was a bad idea, but he insisted that he knew better. Turns out he didn’t, and now I have to pay?

Is my point of view skewed on this one?

* So why didn’t he choose a sailing woman for a mate? Oh, yeah, they’re all too wise to his Narc ways and wouldn’t have looked at him twice.

 

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Another Gaslighting Session…

Wow! It’s been a horrific couple of days here in NarcLand. M is feeling sorry for himself, blaming me for his misery and generally causing mayhem wherever he looks.

So. Saturday. After several days of Silent Treatment (a relief for me, really) he started up again. We were up late Friday night with more and more of the same bullshit, how I don’t love him any more and I’m withholding my affection just to make him miserable, blah, blah, blah. Went to bed angry.

Saturday morning started off with more of the same, him telling me how I am immature, lack proper emotional responses, don’t respect his “principles” or “standards” how I’m a total slacker, etc. I asked him to write down his feelings, point by point so that we could have a conversation in little bits instead of making it a big huge thing that encompasses our entire relationship*. He said he would, more blah, blah, and I realized it was time for me to leave for work – I dashed out the door with wet hair** because I had lost all track of time, so the remainder of the day was uncomfortable.

It was a late day and I arrived home after dark. I was tired and not in the mood for more bullshit, but I got a steaming pile. He had written a small page about how he feels his life is in the toilet and he’s just not able, emotionally or physically, to go on. He’s in a very low place and all he wants is my love and understanding, blah, blah, blah. He had left it near my computer, which I had forgotten to turn off in the morning (yet another bone of contention between us, but I had to go to work NOW and figured it was an acceptable lapse. Turns out it wasn’t, but you knew that already, right?)

I read his little manifesto and went into the kitchen to have a little chat. I will admit that I was pissed, tired and really not in the mood for any of his games. I told him that what he wrote was not at all what I asked for, but that I understand he’s in a very unhappy place right now. Why don’t we just be nice to each other until we can find a way out of here?

He responded by asking me if I shouldn’t just move out. Small speech about that, and how his life would finally be a complete failure, tears, and then he began to rage. Oh, it was a sight to see! Turns out I LIKE to make him yell, I antagonize him every day just to see him lose his temper! Maybe I’m hoping he’ll stroke out?!? Blah, blah, blah.

I turned over his little note and told him that I would be happy to note down exactly what I was doing that made him so angry so that I could look at it in future and see just what I needed to change about myself***.

1. “Attitude” is defined as giving flippant answers.

2. I have no idea how brutally men treat each other, the truly horrible things they do to each other and I should be glad he doesn’t give me any of that!

3. His yelling is because he has been on the defensive since my son and I “turned on him” during our first disastrous attempt to live together.

4. My refusal to work out a budget with him, his way, is just like flipping him off.

5. My refusal to “raise [my] standards” is one of the main problems we have – I just don’t see how terrible our house/neighborhood/job/cars/clothes, etc. really are or I would be ashamed to be seen in public.

6. I live in a fantasy world and have no idea of the actual facts of how life should be lived. I refuse to see reality.

There were more, but I wasn’t able to re-write them all from memory later. I did take two full pages of notes on Sunday, however, and here is a bit of that –

He has been telling me for years that the cash money that I give him each month does not cover the bills. He spends at least an equal amount each month out of his checking account. Now, what does that say to you? If you’re (sane) like me, it means that we actually spend $1200 each month to meet expenses, right? Nope. The actual, physical cash money that I give him is spent in other ways, but the money that pays the bills comes from his checking account, therefore, my money does not pay the bills, his money does. Clever, no? That right there is just one example of the bullshit thinking process I have to deal with every day. But wait, it gets better! By pulling the bill stubs out of the drawer where they are stored and adding them up, I am being condescending and insulting him – cause for more yelling, as that is what I do every day to the poor, misunderstood man. And then the subject is abruptly changed when the bills add up to less than $500…

I answer all of his questions one way and then do something else. Here’s a very recent example –

HIM: Do you need the kitchen light on?

ME: Yes, I need to put these towels away.

He says that I told him “no” about the light and then “blamed” him for moving towards the light switch, thereby causing, yet again, an argument. This happens every.damned.day.without.fail. I refuse to let it get to me now, but shit!

Because I didn’t tell him when he hurt my feelings in the past, I have no right to bring up “10 years worth of venom” now. I have no right to establish a pattern, give him examples of his abuse. Oh, no! Who’s not facing reality now?

By not deferring to him I am deliberately hurting him. I start all disagreements by saying flippant or stupid things, but not answering, or by “lying.”

He can’t trust me to be reliable. He is willing to sign over all the bills into my name because he can’t rely on me to pay them on time or in full. WTF?!? He would even be willing to sell me the house on contract so he could have an income. Imagine that – I would PAY him to live here. For a Narc, that would be the perfect situation, wouldn’t it? The victim pays for the abuser to heap more abuse onto her. As if!

The only reason I have been able to survive in life is because I had a man to pick up the slack, to cover my bases when I slacked off and dropped the ball. Huh. Sure didn’t seem that way when I had a toddler and a deadbeat, drugged-out  husband to support. Didn’t seem that way when Ex#2 paid only the rent and I paid for everything else, including food, utilities and child care. Didn’t seem that way when I was paying a mortgage and all the bills on a house I never asked for in the first place. Who is disconnected from reality here?

Here are the kickers – I refuse to admit that I’ve made mistakes that have been destructive to our relationship and/or caused him to make poor decisions. I refuse to accept blame for starting our disagreements. I refuse to admit that I hurt him first and he only reacts to me from a defensive position. I have a slacker attitude and refuse to do all that I can for anything, not work, not jobs around the house, not my “marital duties,” cooking, cleaning, laundry, I do not fully devote myself to anything at all.

Okay. This sounds totally insane, so I will stop here. Just needed to clear some of the cobwebs out.

* I know! Why do I bother. It was a delaying tactic, actually, well thought out – if he is distracted with this little exercise, I have more time to make plans for my escape. If he feels he is being heard, maybe he’ll back off. As if!

** Fucking hair! It will be the first thing to go and I can’t wait!

*** Right after our little confrontation he tossed the paper into the wood stove – no evidence means it didn’t happen the way I remember it, right? His story can change to suit the new day and I have no defense. The day he finally sees this blog will be an eye-opener, I bet!

 

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You Lie

Several weeks ago M said that a good meal for those nights that I work late would be sandwiches. He said that I should buy deli meat, as he feels it has fewer additives than the pre-packaged sandwich meats and I could buy a small amount, just enough for three or four sandwiches and that would be perfect.

Okie-dokie. On Monday I bought some ham from the deli. It was $9.00 per pound, so I bought half a pound, enough for four sandwiches. I was out for about three hours running errands, which made M angry as he feels I should run all of my errands on the days that I work so that I’m not making an extra trip into town – reasonable on the surface with current gas prices, right?*

Well, on Monday he did not want dinner. He did not want dinner on Tuesday, either. He said that he was “preparing for the Starvation Days ahead” and did not need to eat. “People can go for 40 days with no food. No need to cook for me.”

Whatever.

On Wednesday I asked him if he would like a ham sandwich for dinner. “There is no ham,” he replied. “I ate it.”

Great. There goes my dinner! “Did that ham really cost $9.00 per pound?” he asked.

“Yes, that’s why I only bought a little. Just enough for a few sandwiches,” I replied.

“Can we really afford to eat meat that’s that expensive? I refuse!** We can’t afford to eat that way!” And he was off. But not for long. Being hungry, I offered to cook up a veggie stir-fry. “You don’t have to cook for me,” he says in a whiny voice.

“I’m not – I’m hungry. You’re free to join me if you care to,” and I went into the kitchen. By the time the food was cooked it was so late and I was so angry that I could hardly choke down half a cup. I offered him what was left on my plate, which he accepted (as usual) and he went on with the Silent Treatment for the rest of the evening.

If he’s not ignoring me he’s making snide remarks under his breath or “forgetting” things I say the minute the words are out of my mouth.

I have to keep documenting this shit because he has me so well conditioned that after a day or two the incidents become fuzzy and unreal and I doubt they even happened at all. It’s all part of his game and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

* The Real Reason is that he wants to be sure I don’t have any unsupervised time outside of work hours. He should be worried.

** Didn’t stop him from eating.it.all. Asshole.

 

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Bad Luck or Justice?

I have a big smile on my face as I type this, and I know it means I am a small person, but for a little while I won’t let myself care.

M called from the marina where he hauls out his boat. Turns out he decided not to stay on the boat for “a couple more days” to “catch up on sleep.” He hauled the boat out today and was calling me from the marina parking lot. The truck is seriously ill. It sounds like a lawnmower about to run out of gas. And thunder and lightning are flashing and booming while the rain pelts down like it’s never going to end. And the truck’s skylights both leak.

He is wet, chilly, dirty, hungry and miserable and has no clue what he’s going to do to get out of this mess after hours on a Friday evening during Tourist/Vacation Season. Doesn’t even know if there’s a diesel mechanic within 100 miles. He’ll have a cold, damp night in the cab of the truck. I will sleep diagonally in my warm bed, dreaming sweet dreams.

Guess I know when he’ll be home, though 🙂

Friday the 13th, indeed.

 
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Posted by on July 13, 2012 in Today

 

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Return?

M called just now. Finally told me exactly where he was. Got smart-assy on me right away. Pissed me off, I tell you what!

He complained that I haven’t been calling and leaving messages on his voice mail for him to find. Whatever. I’m done with that, mostly because it’s what he wants me to do and I’m tired of doing what he wants at the expense of what I want. I have gone on two trips without him and he did not call me once. No messages, no calls, nothing, so why should I call him?

He still won’t tell me exactly when he’s coming home. He’s within 3 hours of where he hauls out the boat, but made a bunch of excuses about how it can take all day to haul it out, sometimes he has to wait, blah, blah, blah. If it’s too late in the day to make the 8 hour drive home he’ll have to get a hotel or sleep in the truck, more blah, blah, blah. Says he might just take an extra day or two to get caught up on his sleep on the boat, can’t say for sure when he’ll be back, but he says he misses me, oh, yes, he does!

Whatever. The dog, cat, bunnies and I are doing just fine without him. No problems, no fires, floods, leaks, or other disasters. In fact, life is going along at a nice, steady hum, peaceful and quiet. Very nice. Scented candles in every room, dust bunnies all vacuumed up, no one screaming or having a tantrum, really nice times, actually.

I’ll miss these good times when he’s back. Asshole.

 
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Posted by on July 12, 2012 in Uncategorized

 

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