Wow! It’s been a horrific couple of days here in NarcLand. M is feeling sorry for himself, blaming me for his misery and generally causing mayhem wherever he looks.
So. Saturday. After several days of Silent Treatment (a relief for me, really) he started up again. We were up late Friday night with more and more of the same bullshit, how I don’t love him any more and I’m withholding my affection just to make him miserable, blah, blah, blah. Went to bed angry.
Saturday morning started off with more of the same, him telling me how I am immature, lack proper emotional responses, don’t respect his “principles” or “standards” how I’m a total slacker, etc. I asked him to write down his feelings, point by point so that we could have a conversation in little bits instead of making it a big huge thing that encompasses our entire relationship*. He said he would, more blah, blah, and I realized it was time for me to leave for work – I dashed out the door with wet hair** because I had lost all track of time, so the remainder of the day was uncomfortable.
It was a late day and I arrived home after dark. I was tired and not in the mood for more bullshit, but I got a steaming pile. He had written a small page about how he feels his life is in the toilet and he’s just not able, emotionally or physically, to go on. He’s in a very low place and all he wants is my love and understanding, blah, blah, blah. He had left it near my computer, which I had forgotten to turn off in the morning (yet another bone of contention between us, but I had to go to work NOW and figured it was an acceptable lapse. Turns out it wasn’t, but you knew that already, right?)
I read his little manifesto and went into the kitchen to have a little chat. I will admit that I was pissed, tired and really not in the mood for any of his games. I told him that what he wrote was not at all what I asked for, but that I understand he’s in a very unhappy place right now. Why don’t we just be nice to each other until we can find a way out of here?
He responded by asking me if I shouldn’t just move out. Small speech about that, and how his life would finally be a complete failure, tears, and then he began to rage. Oh, it was a sight to see! Turns out I LIKE to make him yell, I antagonize him every day just to see him lose his temper! Maybe I’m hoping he’ll stroke out?!? Blah, blah, blah.
I turned over his little note and told him that I would be happy to note down exactly what I was doing that made him so angry so that I could look at it in future and see just what I needed to change about myself***.
1. “Attitude” is defined as giving flippant answers.
2. I have no idea how brutally men treat each other, the truly horrible things they do to each other and I should be glad he doesn’t give me any of that!
3. His yelling is because he has been on the defensive since my son and I “turned on him” during our first disastrous attempt to live together.
4. My refusal to work out a budget with him, his way, is just like flipping him off.
5. My refusal to “raise [my] standards” is one of the main problems we have – I just don’t see how terrible our house/neighborhood/job/cars/clothes, etc. really are or I would be ashamed to be seen in public.
6. I live in a fantasy world and have no idea of the actual facts of how life should be lived. I refuse to see reality.
There were more, but I wasn’t able to re-write them all from memory later. I did take two full pages of notes on Sunday, however, and here is a bit of that –
He has been telling me for years that the cash money that I give him each month does not cover the bills. He spends at least an equal amount each month out of his checking account. Now, what does that say to you? If you’re (sane) like me, it means that we actually spend $1200 each month to meet expenses, right? Nope. The actual, physical cash money that I give him is spent in other ways, but the money that pays the bills comes from his checking account, therefore, my money does not pay the bills, his money does. Clever, no? That right there is just one example of the bullshit thinking process I have to deal with every day. But wait, it gets better! By pulling the bill stubs out of the drawer where they are stored and adding them up, I am being condescending and insulting him – cause for more yelling, as that is what I do every day to the poor, misunderstood man. And then the subject is abruptly changed when the bills add up to less than $500…
I answer all of his questions one way and then do something else. Here’s a very recent example –
HIM: Do you need the kitchen light on?
ME: Yes, I need to put these towels away.
He says that I told him “no” about the light and then “blamed” him for moving towards the light switch, thereby causing, yet again, an argument. This happens every.damned.day.without.fail. I refuse to let it get to me now, but shit!
Because I didn’t tell him when he hurt my feelings in the past, I have no right to bring up “10 years worth of venom” now. I have no right to establish a pattern, give him examples of his abuse. Oh, no! Who’s not facing reality now?
By not deferring to him I am deliberately hurting him. I start all disagreements by saying flippant or stupid things, but not answering, or by “lying.”
He can’t trust me to be reliable. He is willing to sign over all the bills into my name because he can’t rely on me to pay them on time or in full. WTF?!? He would even be willing to sell me the house on contract so he could have an income. Imagine that – I would PAY him to live here. For a Narc, that would be the perfect situation, wouldn’t it? The victim pays for the abuser to heap more abuse onto her. As if!
The only reason I have been able to survive in life is because I had a man to pick up the slack, to cover my bases when I slacked off and dropped the ball. Huh. Sure didn’t seem that way when I had a toddler and a deadbeat, drugged-out husband to support. Didn’t seem that way when Ex#2 paid only the rent and I paid for everything else, including food, utilities and child care. Didn’t seem that way when I was paying a mortgage and all the bills on a house I never asked for in the first place. Who is disconnected from reality here?
Here are the kickers – I refuse to admit that I’ve made mistakes that have been destructive to our relationship and/or caused him to make poor decisions. I refuse to accept blame for starting our disagreements. I refuse to admit that I hurt him first and he only reacts to me from a defensive position. I have a slacker attitude and refuse to do all that I can for anything, not work, not jobs around the house, not my “marital duties,” cooking, cleaning, laundry, I do not fully devote myself to anything at all.
Okay. This sounds totally insane, so I will stop here. Just needed to clear some of the cobwebs out.
* I know! Why do I bother. It was a delaying tactic, actually, well thought out – if he is distracted with this little exercise, I have more time to make plans for my escape. If he feels he is being heard, maybe he’ll back off. As if!
** Fucking hair! It will be the first thing to go and I can’t wait!
*** Right after our little confrontation he tossed the paper into the wood stove – no evidence means it didn’t happen the way I remember it, right? His story can change to suit the new day and I have no defense. The day he finally sees this blog will be an eye-opener, I bet!