Sofia’s Guide to Super Villainy

Once again The Terrible Hook has crashed through my Writer’s Block, this time with a post on how to become a Super Villain. He presupposes that some sort of “accident” has happened, leaving you with superpowers, but your natural penchant for evil leads you towards World Domination rather than doing Good Deeds. He lays out a good argument about the perils and trials of taking over the entire world, and whether or not it would be practical or desirable.

I would like to submit for your perusal, the idea that there are many Super Villains in this world today. I posit that something made them the way they are, but it was an accident of genetics or upbringing (the debate is ever hot over this issue) and that they are now looking around, deciding how to use their newly-discovered “gifts.” These Super Villains are, of course, the psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists already walking among us. Note: I’m using male pronouns solely for ease of typing. Any resemblance to someone you know is purely coincidental. Or is it?

One – Be careful what you wish for:

Who needs World Domination? It’s a fuckload of work and you’ll never keep all the moving parts oiled to your satisfaction. Dream smaller: maybe you take over one person’s life, which will include their entire family group, any offspring you might produce and all of their friends. As a bonus form of entertainment, be a dick at work and any place people gather; just because you can.

• Micro-manage every aspect of your victim’s life, ensuring that they do everything, up to and including breathing, at your whim and per your specifications.
• Make up an elaborate set of Rules they must follow and change them at least once a week up to several times a day.
• Insist that you need  your “freedom” to prevent them pestering you all day about where you are or what you are doing – it’s none of their damned business and it’s an invasion of your privacy.
• Spend every waking moment dreaming up elaborate “punishments” designed to break your victim’s spirit and dole them out with abandon once you’ve gotten them softened up to your Rule.
• Create situations that demand you “punish” your victim. Make them whimsical and arbitrary – that keeps your victim off balance, creating that delicious energy flow directed your way. Chastise your victim for “making” you punish them.
• Dole out tiny bits of “praise” (be sure that all “compliments” are backhanded to keep your victim constantly striving to please you) judiciously and watch as your victim drools and begs for crumbs of your “affection.”

Two – Money

There’s no need to make any more money than pleases you. If you like working, by all means continue to do so, but don’t neglect to crush your victim with unreasonable demands on their funds, time and resources, while denying them any of your hard earned cash – they don’t deserve it!

It’s especially delicious if you convince your victim that it’s their Duty to make money because you “can’t” for whatever reason, or that it’s your victim’s “turn” to work for you while you “retire.” After all, you fed them a huge pile of lies to make them believe you’ve “done so much” for them and it’s in your best interest to keep that illusion alive so you have time to deal with other business.

Three – Location, location, location

Where do you want to live? This should perhaps be the first decision you make – if you’re happy in an average neighborhood, your next move will be easy, but if you aspire to a mansion, you will have to choose your victim more carefully to meet your goal with the least amount of effort on your part.

The great thing about being you is that you blend right into any situation. You don’t wear a cape or hood, but look like a normal, sane person in public. Your victims never see you coming! They are so stoopid! Oh, sure, there are a few out there who can spot the evil that lives in your soul, but they almost never blow your cover or warn your potential victim – they don’t want to be the subject of a Smear Campaign or have to face your wrath. Don’t give them another thought unless they start to get squirrelly, and then a simple warning to your potential victim that “Suzy said some awful things about you, Sweetheart, I don’t think  you should talk to her any more…” and you’ll be in the clear!

Four – Good “Evil” help is hard to find

Actually, it’s not. You’re not wearing a cape or hood, remember? You’re smarter than everyone around you. You have powers of observation that they can never hope to have. You can instantly see who would be a likely victim, and who to avoid as being too much work. You have honed your interrogation skills for many years on classmates, siblings and other family members. You are in control at work (if you choose to work) and are the center of attention at any public function you deign to attend. The world is your oyster.

Who will you choose? That one over their looks sad. Go talk to her. Oh, her Mom just died. Perfect! Let’s get the questions started and see if you can pry open her defenses with your charming manner.

Once you’ve identified yourself as sympathetic, it’s a simple matter to pretend to be interested in her as you continue prying and prying until you know everything about her.

Then, start the wooing. Love bomb her into total submission. Overwhelm all of her senses while separating her from friends and family. Move to another city if you can – it makes controlling her easier.

Once she is firmly enamored, trapped by your sparkle, begin the devaluation. This is the best part! You built her up and now it’s time to start tearing her down, bit by bit until she hates herself so much she wants to die.

While this is going on, be sure to scout around for your next victim – the old one will start to look shabby around the edges; they do seem to wear out, don’t they? Have three or four on the go at the same time – variety is the spice of life, after all, and you crave spice as much as dogs like to lick their butts.

It might not be worthy of a comic book, but it will certainly have a lasting impact on your victim, whether you decide to keep her or move on to a younger, newer model.

Good luck and happy hunting!