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Another Anniversary

04 Feb

Sigh. Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of The Kid moving in with me. I smiled and wished him “Happy Anniversary!” Last night and he just gave a grunt. I know he’s not happy about the situation, but no one is going to come knocking on the door offering him wads of money for simply breathing, so he better get out there and find something before I do something drastic.

Mom and I were talking about The Kid the other night and agreed this situation is very much like my childhood – dad lived in his own little world (although not as shut off as The Kid) doing his hobbies, out in his room or shed, while Mom worked two jobs to make ends meet. You see, my dad couldn’t work just any job – he needed to be “inspired” and “fulfilled” and ordinary jobs just wouldn’t cut it for him.

I remember being angry about the situation as a teen – Mom would leave early for her day job and arrive home as my sister and I were coming home from school, then she would leave again for a night job several days a week. It would have been different if dad had done all the housework and been a real house-husband, but my sis and I did the chores while he did…nothing much.

He was also a passive-aggressive asshole who used the silent treatment constantly as punishment. My memories are a bit blurred, honestly, but I’m sure his personality influenced my attitude towards men in general and husbands in particular. Thank all that’s holy he and Mom are divorced – I don’t think I could speak to him without giving him an earful about what an asshole he was and I don’t even care who might hear me.

Wow. This is going off the rails.

I got a job as soon as the ink was dry on my work permit and I’ve worked at something constantly ever since. I resent supporting an able-bodied man who refuses to do whatever is necessary to support his family. Granted, The Kid doesn’t have any people to be responsible for, but he could collect enough cans and bottles each month to pay his cell phone bill at least!

He’s lazy, sloppy, and irresponsible. He was not raised this way and has never known his grandpa, yet here we are. His father didn’t work much, but he didn’t know him, either. Those two men are the only men in his family tree that did not work to support their families – a perfect Nature vs. Nurture argument, if one is so inclined, and I am 🙂

Anyway. I’m angry. I’m disappointed. I’m irritated by his constant presence in My Space. Towanda was supposed to be a Penis Free Zone. I was never going to smell someone else’s feet or cooking smells or B.O. While I still have ultimate control over the things that matter, I have no privacy or freedom. Sure, having a built-in dog-sitter is nice, but I can live without that just fine.

I ran an idea past Mom and I think she liked it: When the weather changes, The Kid will go to Grandma’s house to turn over her yard. She has Big Plans for some changes and they need a strong back and a shovel, both of which The Kid has – he was trained to use a shovel at a young age (WTF hasn’t he taken a job digging ditches or something, then? Oh, wait! That’s not “fulfilling” work!) so he will have lots of time to contemplate his next move while he moves dirt. Mom hates to paint, so that should be added to her list of things for him to do – inside and out, whatever she needs done. He also cleans but needs to be supervised so he doesn’t cut corners. I want her to use him like a rented mule! I just don’t have enough physical labor to keep him busy and exhausted.

Next, I think he should go stay with my sister for a week or two and deep clean and paint her house – she and her husband both work long hours and just don’t have time to do as much as they would like to. He’s a pretty great cook, so dinners should be included in his chores – they deserve to be able to relax in the evening.

My hope is that he would see the value in working and some of the work ethic of his family might rub off onto him and spur him into making a move towards an independent life. Sis lives in Portland, so he’d be back near his old turf where he might have better luck finding a job.

I dunno. I do know I’ve had enough. I can’t seem to motivate him and everyone says it would be cruel to just put him out on the street while the weather is so bad, so there he sits, on my couch, breathing my air, sucking the life right out of me.

I am SO DONE with this Mom Gig!

What would YOU do?

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13 Comments

Posted by on February 4, 2016 in Uncategorized

 

13 responses to “Another Anniversary

  1. Fat Bottom Girl

    February 4, 2016 at 9:58 am

    It’s ironic that you should write on this subject today, as I was reading this article: http://markmanson.net/risk and thinking of it in relation to a good friend of mine who has kid issues a bit similar to yours, but with a few extenuating circumstances, including the fact one of her free-loaders is her 16 year old son who quit school and doesn’t have a job. I have tried to tell her some of the things Mark talks about in this article, especially when she comes complaining to me about the situation, but she doesn’t listen and doesn’t change things.

    I hope you enjoy the article!! Oh, and stop paying is cell phone bill!! lol

     
  2. Sofia Leo

    February 4, 2016 at 11:00 am

    Excellent article! And I KNOW I simply need to tell him to get the fuck out. Emotionally, I don’t really have a problem with it – I hesitate because of the backlash that will likely result. I don’t want people to see me as some monster who refused to support her child in his time of need. I don’t always have a clear idea of what is “right” or “wrong” with regards to dealing with people, so I hesitate. Obviously, that’s not working 🙂

    I pay his cell phone bill so he has a line of communication for those employers who are just dying to hire him 🙂

     
  3. JackieP

    February 4, 2016 at 11:05 am

    I agree with FBG…stop paying his cell phone bill. Ship him off to the various family members with the stipulation that he either finds a job in one of those two places and a place to live because your place is now off limits. If you don’t push him to do something he never will. I’ve known people like that too and that’s what it ends up….you have to push him out. Anyway, that’s my view. 😉

     
    • Sofia Leo

      February 4, 2016 at 11:09 am

      I totally agree! I might not have been tolerant this long if he didn’t have alcohol issues, but he’s sober now and refuses to go to meetings and I’m at a dead end as to what I can do for him that isn’t enabling. Sigh.

       
      • JackieP

        February 4, 2016 at 11:32 am

        It’s hard I know, afterall he is your kid. Sometimes we just have to do the hard stuff to save THEM, not only you. They get stuck and need a kick in the pants to get moving again.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        February 4, 2016 at 12:17 pm

        Yes. Sigh. This was supposed to be easier…

         
      • Fat Bottom Girl

        February 4, 2016 at 11:39 am

        It’s good that you’re aware of possible enabling behavior. He’s going to need to kick it in the ass, or he will fall right back into his old behaviors.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        February 4, 2016 at 12:17 pm

        At least I know, for the moment, that my displeasure keeps him from being stupid. When he leaves, who knows what he’ll do? I have to let that control go, though, and that’s maybe the hardest part…

         
      • Fat Bottom Girl

        February 5, 2016 at 10:51 am

        Always the hardest part of being a parent, or loving someone.

         
  4. Kristine @ MumRevised

    February 4, 2016 at 12:40 pm

    Drinkers often have entitlement issues (I have plenty of sober and drinking alcoholics in my family). That may be why he is not motivated.
    As hard as it is, he will never learn the value of hard work unless he needs to get it done to survive. I don’t envy you right now. It is our instinct to wrap our little babies up and give them all we can, but we should do that to build ourselves up, not tear us down. My SIL is going through this exact thing and it just keeps escalating. She has gone through $10,000 for her daughter and doesn’t see the end (my niece is a drinker too). Give him a deadline to get his act together and some suggestions on where he could live/work. Your door is always open for dinner together 🙂 Helping the family is good but it may not give him the confidence he needs to make it. In my family, we help the family because it is the right thing to do, not because we need the money. I wish you didn’t have this right now. ❤ Thinking of you.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      February 4, 2016 at 2:39 pm

      The thing is, he DOES know how to work – when he left home he was a different person, well versed with hard work and a good work ethic, able to get and keep a good job. Somewhere along the line things went sideways (perhaps that was the alcohol use in action) and he’s not the same person he was.

      He really needs to seek counseling, but so far has refused, nor will he talk openly to me about what’s on his mind. It’s frustrating as hell, but he doesn’t have the entitlement issues that I’ve dealt with in the past with addicts and alcoholics – he does seem truly grateful for what I’ve provided (and it ain’t much – you’d think living in a travel trailer with Mama would be rock bottom…) and does his best to not make waves. He never asks for anything, and will not take anything (except the cell phone) even when offered.

      I just want to scream. Actually, maybe that would work… 🙂

       
  5. Holly

    February 5, 2016 at 6:12 am

    I am almost in the same situation, only my kid doesn’t have his license or else he would be out looking for a job, etc. We just moved to a place this week where he isn’t in walking distance (with sidewalks and crosswalks, to boot) of three grocery stores, three drugstores and a lot of restaurants. Now he kind of has to get his license…to share my car and get a job.

    I have him on a timeline right now, and he knows when he gets a job I’m going to stop buying coffee, and he will have to pay for his own auto insurance and cell phone.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      February 5, 2016 at 7:44 am

      The Kid doesn’t have a license, either, but he has a bike. He lived in The Big City where he didn’t need a car and has a philosophical objection to cars, which I do respect, but shit! A job has to come first, right? Sorry you’re in the same boat 😦

       

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