Has it really been two years?

20 Jan

Today marks my two year narc-free anniversary! At 11:45 AM on January 20, 2013 I drove away from the narc’s house with the last of the stuff I couldn’t live without. I was an emotional mess but determined to escape that asshole and live the life I’d always wanted for myself.

For those who are new, read last year’s synopsis here to get caught up. Ready? Okay.

I went NC with the narc about a year ago, changing my phone number and deleting my internet presence completely so he couldn’t stalk me. Oh, I hadn’t been communicating with him for months before that, but the occasional email still came through to irritate me all over again. Life has been so much more peaceful now that all communication has been cut off.

I look back and hardly believe that was my life. It’s inconceivable to me now that I allowed one person to control my every thought, my every movement. It’s almost like a bad dream, life has changed so much.

Sabu, Revy and I are still living in a 30′ travel trailer and I recommend this lifestyle to anyone who doesn’t think they can escape their abusive relationship because of financial issues or pets – I could not afford an apartment that would accept a 50-pound dog on wages from a part-time minimum wage job, but I could easily afford to buy a travel trailer and pay space rent in a nice RV park which enabled me to have my own private space and keep my dog. If I don’t like my neighbors, I simply hire a Dude with a truck and he will drag my home wherever I may want to go. I have the option of buying or renting my own truck and traveling until the land meets the sea whenever the whim may strike. I am not tied down by a rental contract or mortgage. I don’t have to do yard work or keep up with the neighbors and their new toys and gadgets. I am a modern-day gypsy who has chosen to stay in one place for awhile.

I have a great job that I love in an office full of truly Nice People. I don’t feel any stress over money and feel in control of my life in a way that I never would have believed possible. I have full autonomy. I have full say over the menu, thermostat, TV remotes, social events and ALL of the bed and blankets. I go where I want to go, see who I want to see and never even think of the consequences that used to be meted out if I stepped away from his line. Every day is a blessing and joy.

Back in July I posted that I no longer heard his voice in my head and what a relief it was. It took 1.5 years to drive his voice out of my head! If you haven’t been in an abusive relationship you have no idea how deeply the monsters sink their claws into your soul. This was a Big Deal and I quietly celebrated for a couple of weeks before deciding to step out of my comfort zone and put myself out there online as “single and looking.” I know, right? I haven’t talked about that here because if it turns out to be a disaster, well, this blogging thing is supposed to be all about the successes, right?

In some ways it’s gone well, in others it’s been the disappointment I thought it would be. There are a lot of freaks out there looking for NSA kinky sex and if that’s what I was looking for I’d have my pick of any number of Slimy Dudes, but that’s not really my thing. I’ve been told I want too much from a man. I have to shrug and think to myself, “yeah, it’s totally unreasonable to narrow my choices to men who are gainfully employed, own their own car, live in their own space (ie not with Mom,) don’t drink excessively, don’t use drugs, don’t have a huge pile of debt, aren’t already otherwise involved in relationships, don’t have small children at home (sorry if that sounds selfish, but I’m all done being Mommy, thankyouverymuch!) don’t need a Mommy or fixing in some other way and who can write and spell with something close to English grammar conventions.” I won’t be a doormat, slave, maid, cook or gardener with no return on my investment and I state that right up front. Ya ain’t gonna get free labor from me 🙂

I’ll admit it: I’m gonna be picky because I can. I am perfectly happy with my single life. It’s working for me. But I also want to know if I could “do” a relationship the way I hear it can be done. You know, where two people of opposite sex are great friends who get along and like some of the same things and respect each other. It’s just not the same with girlfriends and dammit I want it all!

Anyway. This is not the place to talk about all that stuff. Let’s just say that I’m still single, still enjoying my life and looking forward to another fantastic year.

I’ve been away from blogging for awhile because I haven’t had anything to say. Life with the narc seems so far away when I’m going about my day-to-day business as to seem irrelevant to who I am now. I’m not sure where I want this blog to go now. Suggestions? What do y’all want to hear about?

To all of you in abusive relationships: there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Be brave. Throw off your shackles and walk into the light. It’s hard. It sucks. It’s scary. But it’s worth every hardship to live a life free of abuse.

Thank you all for joining me on this journey 🙂




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22 responses to “Has it really been two years?

  1. El Guapo

    January 20, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    FANTASTIC! Here’s to many more years, where you one day don’t comment on the anniversary because he’s barely even a memory.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 20, 2015 at 4:47 pm

      I’ve been feeling a weight the past couple of weeks, as this anniversary approached and wasn’t even sure I wanted to acknowledge it, but felt I needed to. Even if it feels like a lifetime ago, it wasn’t that long. Perspective is everything.

      • El Guapo

        January 20, 2015 at 5:07 pm

        But you faced it, and kept on going.
        Let the narc suck on that, as you rock on!

      • Sofia Leo

        January 21, 2015 at 2:35 pm

        Sadly, he is not suffering in the least, as narcs never do. Still waiting for the Karma Bus…

  2. JackieP

    January 20, 2015 at 7:23 pm

    Congrats! I do remember you finally getting away from the narc and cheering you on. You know, there are lots of women who are away from an abusive past and wonder how to start again. You could be a great resource for them as they step out to form new relationships. It is just the natural order of things. If you show them you aren’t afraid to do so, they might step out there too and try dating again. Plus, you can show them you don’t have to ‘settle’. Go for what you want in a relationship. Just an idea. 🙂 (men too could benefit from this)

    • Sofia Leo

      January 21, 2015 at 2:36 pm

      I’ll have to consider it, but my Mom reads this blog and I feel compelled to give TMI, so…

      • JackieP

        January 21, 2015 at 3:01 pm

        Ah, I do see your problem. 😉

  3. Carrie Reimer

    January 20, 2015 at 8:00 pm

    Congrats on 2 years free. I can relate to everything you said. Life is grand without the N’s black cloud including the not settling, loving my life and not wanting to do the Mommy thing any more for a man or his kids. My life is too good to share with someone who doesn’t have his act together. I don’t know why I ever thought it was ok.
    The N is like a bad dream, hard to believe I loved him now or why I was so upset at the thought of losing him. So thankful to be out of it but it is dang hard to break away.
    I say just keep writing, I would be interested to here how your new dating attitude is working for you there was one line you wrote
    “In some ways it’s gone well, in others it’s been the disappointment I thought it would be”
    The disappointment you thought it would be, I am all into this positive thinking and that we what we think we manifest in our lives. Just wondering if you would have expected it to be a success what would have happened?
    Glad to hear you are doing so well.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 21, 2015 at 2:37 pm

      The way I see it, all the Good Men around here are taken. The dating pool is quite shallow and I don’t have high hopes, quite frankly. I could always move somewhere else, though 🙂

  4. disenchanteddiva

    January 20, 2015 at 11:57 pm

    Wonderful! So glad for you and I hope to be NC with my ex for the rest of my days. Hopefully, he’ll forget he has a daughter soon; he pretty much has already, thank God.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 21, 2015 at 2:38 pm

      My son’s father forgot within 6 months – drugs were much more important to him than seeing his son. Sad, but at least we didn’t have to deal with him and the wars the disordered often wage to punish partners who leave them. Good luck to you!

      • disenchanteddiva

        January 22, 2015 at 6:36 am

        Thank you! I hope my narc ex forgets too. The Protection Order gets lifted in March, a total of 6mos, so fingers crossed my daughter’s old news to him by then x

  5. Scott

    January 21, 2015 at 5:56 am

    Hooray for two years! I’m so happy for you!

    As for your expectations in a man, I don’t see anything wrong or unreasonable with them. There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want and accepting nothing less. You deserve to have a relationship like we’ve only heard about.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 21, 2015 at 2:40 pm

      We ALL deserve to be with people who are capable of having real relationships and I refuse to settle again! Life is too good to accept anything less than Mr. Perfect 🙂

      • Scott

        January 22, 2015 at 6:48 am


  6. NotAPunkRocker

    January 21, 2015 at 6:55 am

    I like what Guap says above, one day this will be something that isn’t measured in years since you left but a general thought of how far you have come. It varies for everyone. Stay strong and be proud 😀

  7. lookingforward2012

    January 21, 2015 at 7:33 am

    I’m so happy to read this today! Hooray for you! Hooray for all of us who got out!

  8. Just Me With . . .

    January 23, 2015 at 6:58 am

    Loved this! Congrats! I know what you mean about being picky, and tired. I think I shy away from actively pursuing relationships because I don’t want to take care of anyone else right now. I say keep blogging about whatever. It’s all relevant.

  9. Enchanted Seashells, Confessions of a Tugboat Captain's Wife

    February 12, 2015 at 11:12 am

    Happy 2 years! You are an inspiration and I love that you chose to live free AND keep your dog!


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