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One Year Ago Part Four

15 Jan

A year ago I was posting about how I hate curry (one of the top posts on this here blog, strangely enough) and pissed off at the narc’s efforts to pry every penny he could out of my bleeding corpse.

I was fighting the narc’s indoctrination, the voice in my head that dictated my every move based on what would or would not please the narc on any given day. He was making preparations to go work on his boat, leaving me alone for a few days and I had planned my escape. I was tied in knots, anxious not about my escape plan, but about how he would react and the possible consequences.

That Thursday, Awana and I traveled over to The Valley and found my home and had her hauled back to The Coast where I set about making modifications and moving in. The narc was due to be back some time between Sunday and Wednesday, but I knew it would be sooner because he was always hoping to catch me doing something he didn’t approve of, and that was pretty much everything.

Everything that could be fit into Awana’s van and my car was moved out of the narc’s house on January 20, 2013 and of course the narc had to try to make a scene when he came home to find my Fuck You note, but I handled it okay and was able to spend my first night in my very own space with not too much stress. I didn’t die or have a heart attack or have to explain a nasty public scene or any of the other horrible things the narc had trained me to worry about.

So much has happened in the past year, and all of it has been good. Or at least a Learning Experience 🙂 No catastrophes, I’m not living under a bridge or starving or in some kind of danger as the narc told me would happen if I ever didn’t have him to “carry” me through life. I have a good job, a warm place to live where everything is just the way I like it, I eat what I want, watch TV, spin & knit, go to the dog park, anything I want to do, any time I want to do it. I can talk on the phone with anyone I choose to with no interrogation afterwards. If a friend invites me out to do something I can go with no worries about narc consequences. I can visit friends and family at any time, even staying overnight with no worries that I’ll have to pay a price when I get home. No one is forcing me to eat or do anything that makes me unhappy. No one is laying guilt trips on me or beating me with words or denying me basic comforts like heat in the Winter. No one is beating my dog or threatening me.

I woke up today (again) with an indescribable feeling of unreality. As I looked around the dim room (it was not even 0630, damn you, Revy!) it felt like a dream and I was afraid I would soon wake and find myself back in that narc-made hell. But, no! This is my life now and it is fabulous! Can’t say that enough!

There was a Big Storm on Saturday, making travel unpleasant so Awana came over on Sunday to stay for a couple of nights. We went thrift shopping, out to eat, watched part of Dexter Season 6 (LOVE me some Dexter!) cooked, and generally amused ourselves doing what we like to do. And you know what? I can do it again today, or tomorrow, or next week. It might not sound like much to those of you have never lived in the shadow of a narc or similarly disordered person, but just being able to cook a meal of my choosing at a time of my choosing, letting the dog lick up the drips, listening to my choice of program on the radio, it’s all still a bit unreal and feels like an amazing luxury.

On Monday I deleted the old email account and changed every name and login for every account I’ve accumulated over the past 10+ years. My old ID is gone from the internetz.

Life is good!

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39 responses to “One Year Ago Part Four

  1. El Guapo

    January 15, 2014 at 11:53 am

    In another year, it will be “There was this guy…”
    Then “I used to know someone”
    And finally, one day “Who? Oh yeah…”

    Rock on, Sofia!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 2:59 pm

      I hope so! Will I ever get off my soapbox and stop telling people that they don’t have to stay in abusive relationships? I find myself giving advice and listening to so many sad tales.

       
      • Pippa Pirrip

        January 16, 2014 at 7:06 pm

        I got away from TheEx in 2006, my parents in 2011 & ExHusband in 2012 & let me tell you, the world needs people like us on that particular soapbox! Don’t you wish someone had told you? I tell you what, had I a time machine, I’d certainly tell myself! (& if I didn’t listen, I might even kidnap the younger me, though I wouldn’t be so extreme with anyone else.)

         
  2. JackieP

    January 15, 2014 at 11:55 am

    I know it feels great! I felt that way after I got away from the ex.

     
  3. Kim13

    January 15, 2014 at 12:00 pm

    You give me such hope and expectation….I am currently “reclaiming” myself, even while still under the same roof. It has been a bit easier with him working on the road most of the time. I love it when he is not here, and I can just BE. I have taken a stand for myself this week, telling him I was not cooking while he’s working in town, and that I want the bed I bought for him moved into my bedroom. It felt so good. Small steps, but steps just the same. 🙂 Hugs Sofia

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      I did the same – I was emotionally detached long before I actually left. Don’t know if I would have found the strength otherwise. When I was finally able to name his abusive behavior that was it for me – I was leaving and it was only a matter of time. There are some things you just can’t un-see, ya know? One step at a time until you’re out the door…

       
      • Kim13

        January 15, 2014 at 3:22 pm

        Yeah, I have to not think to hard about finally being “out”, or I just drive myself nuts. I know I am making progress, as slow as it may be, but I will get there. Thanks Sofia

         
      • Sofia Leo

        January 15, 2014 at 4:11 pm

        You WILL get there – you’re stronger than you think 🙂

         
  4. Twindaddy

    January 15, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Yay Sofia! Way to go! I am in awe of your badassery.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 3:05 pm

      Thank you, TD! I feel pretty badass these days 🙂

       
      • Twindaddy

        January 15, 2014 at 3:17 pm

        Wooooot!

         
  5. goldfish

    January 15, 2014 at 12:56 pm

    A year already? Congrats!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 3:06 pm

      I know, right? It seems like only a few weeks or something. I haven’t had any conversations with the narc for almost seven months – that’s my next anniversary 🙂

       
  6. overitblogdotcom

    January 15, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Like Kim above said, you give me such hope and expectation. Reading posts like your’s today show’s me that in one year I will be feeling much like you.
    I had the unpleasantness, of having to be in touch with my ex narc the other night (by text thank god) He was kind enough to let me know just how wonderful his life is,and all the wonderful new things he has bought for himself, blah blah (with someone else’s money probably).
    Anyways,,,I was just so disgusted with him and how he managed to turn one text into all about him. That I just deleted the whole conversation and thought thank god that asswhole is out of my life, lol!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 3:07 pm

      Nice Hoovering attempt – glad you were able to resist. Change your number. Really. It will be the best thing you’ve done all week. Trust me 🙂

       
  7. overitblogdotcom

    January 15, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    Hahaha…love the use of the term “badassery”!

     
  8. behindthemaskofabuse

    January 15, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    I totally understand the freedom feeling, it’s still surreal to me when I do something or don’t do something that the father would freak out about and Hubby comes home and doesn’t even care. After all these years freedom still feels surreal at times. Enjoy every moment as I know you are! xo

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      It still amazes me how “normal” people feel about life. They look at me like I’m crazy when I say something like, “today I ate chocolate ice cream and let the dog lick the bowl and it was wonderful!” The narc is allergic to chocolate, so just bringing it home was an insult and the dog would never have been allowed to lick the bowl, nevermind consume three drops of dairy! He could have turned that into an hour-long lecture about how irresponsible and hurtful I am. God it’s good to be free!

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        January 15, 2014 at 4:01 pm

        I so relate, the long long lectures about everything, brutal!! It is good to be free…let’ eat cake…and chocolate ice cream! 😉

         
      • Sofia Leo

        January 15, 2014 at 4:11 pm

        For breakfast! 🙂

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        January 15, 2014 at 4:17 pm

        Now we’re talking!!

         
      • Sofia Leo

        January 15, 2014 at 4:19 pm

        I actually had cake for breakfast a few months back. Birthday cake (not mine) and it was fantastic! Kinda felt heavy and woozy afterwords, but it was totally worth it 🙂

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        January 15, 2014 at 4:21 pm

        So worth it, the more you do it the less heavy and woozy you’ll feel 😉

         
      • Sofia Leo

        January 15, 2014 at 4:40 pm

        Or….the more cake I eat the heavier I’ll get 🙂

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        January 15, 2014 at 6:14 pm

        Not if we can dance on the breakfast table after 😉

         
      • Sofia Leo

        January 15, 2014 at 8:25 pm

        LOL! Now there’s an idea!

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        January 16, 2014 at 8:45 am

        They would hate that too! 😉

         
  9. Awana

    January 15, 2014 at 3:56 pm

    The whole story: Sofia was busy working on her computer job (selfishly, I was ready for a dose of Dexter and didn’t want her to have to cook) so I ran out to get Thai takeout, and when I came back and we were indulging, she confessed :”You know, I have never done this before”. WHAT????? Eat Thai food? “No, get takeout–it either wasn’t allowed, or it was a ‘waste of money’, or he wouldn’t eat food that could be taken out.” Well, score one for me for introducing something that most of us take for granted on a busy night, even though I COULD RELATE.

    Will be chewing mentally on this for awhile…think about it….if I didn’t have a stone-cold heart, I might have cried, but I just gloated. And ate green curry in front of her, because it is not the stinky Jamaican kind that I think is the problem…it was OK, so I am glad I was not a total bitch.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 4:16 pm

      Just another Narc Rule – no driving to get food because it would waste gas (all trips were to be consolidated and if one errand couldn’t be or wasn’t done in that trip it was just too bad) and no one could deliver because that was an invasion of his precious privacy. So, yeah, I’ve never had Thai take-out delivered to my house 🙂

      The green curry was fine – didn’t smell awful at all and you weren’t even a little bitchy. Not even when Lil’ Dude tore up your insoles 🙂

       
  10. Laura

    January 15, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    I so totally get this.

    Recently I was talking to my boyfriend about planning to run a marathon this spring and his response was: “You can do it!” No complaints, angry rants, or abusive threats because I want to fulfill a dream. No accusations about being a horrible partner because I plan to spend time doing something I love. None of that. Just support. Plain and simple. Wow. Why did we ever settle for less?

    Some days I look around at where I am now and I say a private thank you to “old me”. If she hadn’t gotten up the courage to do what she did, I wouldn’t be where I am now, which is an absolutely wonderful place to be. Every sacrifice I made, to get where I am now, was 100% worth it.

    So here’s to “old you” for getting you to where you are today. My friends and I actually yell “Towanda” as our battle cry when we’re cheering each other on at races. (We’re fans of the movie Fried Green Tomatoes too.) So to the old you I would yell: Towanda!! 🙂 You totally did it, and life sure is sweet on the other side, isn’t it?

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 4:18 pm

      We settled because our abusers groomed us to settle – those early days of worshiping us were training exercises for the hell that followed. After awhile, we were thrilled to go a whole day (or even an hour) with no rages or shaming. Events like you describe never entered our minds – people with those kinds of relationships are a dream, right?

      Raise a glass to both of the “old” us’s (if that’s even a word) and drink ‘er down! Life is good.

      Towaaaaaannnnndddddaaaaa!

       
  11. Jenny Sheppard

    January 15, 2014 at 5:36 pm

    Here’s a toast of bubbly to celebrate a New Year of Bliss….Enjoy!!!! So happy for you, glad you changed your Email account now the freedom really begins because he can’t contact you at all now, sweet revenge 🙂

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 15, 2014 at 8:26 pm

      Thank you!

      He can still Google me – haven’t been able to totally erase my old identity, but soon, I hope. I’m busily deleting anything I can…

       
  12. Awana

    January 15, 2014 at 9:20 pm

    Raising a glass sounds pretty good as I will return to my Narc job on the dayshift; and yes, the woamn who got in trouble for destroying the morale of the entire department has just gotten “rewarded” because my supervisor is a smarmy,smarty immature brat who hates the “grown-ups” which is the older, professional techs —–who just happen to be female. It’s going to be fun…

     
  13. Lee

    January 16, 2014 at 4:25 am

    Congratulations and happy un-anniversary!

     
  14. keri

    January 20, 2014 at 9:54 am

    I am in love with the song and your blog!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2014 at 8:16 pm

      Thank you! I’ve found so much interesting music now that I’m “allowed” to listen to whatever I want 🙂

       

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