Narc in the New Year

02 Jan

Well, that didn’t take long. This was in my inbox this morning:

I don’t know if you are getting my messages. Hope so. I still hold out that we might be able to at least talk again someday. Despite all the heartbreak of the last year, I still miss your loving kisses and sharp wit. I love you.

I’m getting counseling which has helped identify destructive character traits – the hard part to swallow is how simple it is to change from a critical, destructive path to a compassionate one. If only…………

I’m practicing meditation, which I have always been skeptical of. Once again, if only……. But the main tenet of meditation is to not get hung up on the past, nor worry about the future. As you might imagine, I have a harder time with that part. It’s very effective for sharpening your mind and relaxing your body.

I have you to thank for getting me here, though I wish with all my heart it could have been different. I think of you everyday, You are everything I ever wanted in a mate and I have only myself to blame.

I wish you the best. No doubt you will prosper, you are a survivor, one of the things I love about you the most. I think about my attitude, the hurtful things I’ve said and done and I am humiliated. So very sorry to have hurt you.

A note from you would be very nice.

Your lover forever,


Oh, pah-leeze! I don’t even know what to say about this steaming pile of shit. He’s a new man now, eh? He’s meditating and getting counseling? He now understands how easy it is to go from Mr. Hyde back to Dr. Jekyll? He thinks of me every day? How sweet. He knows that I’m a survivor and will go on? Fuck yes, I’m a survivor! And I have already moved on to a much happier, more prosperous and fulfilling life than he can even imagine.

It just makes me tired. I don’t even feel outrage that Gmail can’t reliably block his bullshit.

I’m in the process of updating everyone with my new address and cancelling all of my old accounts. I put up a single post on the old blog saying that my readers don’t know the whole story and inviting them to drop me a note. I left the post up for 24 hours and then deleted the whole blog. I knew it would come up on his live feed because he refused to take my blog links down even after I asked him to. I got two responses. Guess that proves without a doubt that his story about why I left is good enough to ensure his friends stay loyal. Whatever.

All of my old blogs are now gone and my website will be down soon, too – still need to copy some stuff off it for future use. There are many login IDs to be changed and mailing lists to update, but I expect it will all be done within a week, including closing the irritating Gmail account. New Year, New Me πŸ™‚


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33 responses to “Narc in the New Year

  1. El Guapo

    January 2, 2014 at 10:35 am

    It’s almost a pity we won’t get to see his reaction when he gets that first “addressee unknown” email bounce

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:12 am

      I know, right? I should be beyond caring, but I still want to make him bleed.

  2. Paula

    January 2, 2014 at 10:47 am

    The irony behind what he wrote indicates that he is NOT anymore enlightened than he was before he started working on himself. An enlightened and truly remorseful person would realize through meditation and mindful acts that you need to be respected and not bothered. You chose to walk away from him. As an enlightened and healed person, the last thing he’d do is send you an email asking for forgiveness and another chance!! What’s he doing, meditating on the 12 Steps!! Hehe! Stuck on “Make Amends”? You make amends by NOT reaching out and hurting someone further. What a jackass. πŸ™‚

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:14 am

      That is exactly what I thought. It’s always been about HIM and that hasn’t changed one bit. If he wanted to assuage his guilty conscience, I would take cash. I large pile of cash πŸ™‚ But I’ll never go back, not even for a second, no matter how “enlightened” he says he is.

  3. Twindaddy

    January 2, 2014 at 10:54 am

    I’m glad you finally decided to delete your email addy. You don’t need the aggravation of his attempts to keep you in his life. Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:14 am

      Thanks, Twindaddy. Should have it all wrapped up next week. What a PITA! Has to be done, though.

      • Twindaddy

        January 3, 2014 at 11:29 am

        Yeah, it sucks, but at least you have that option. I have to give mine access to communicate with me because we share children. They are never going to go away.

      • Sofia Leo

        January 3, 2014 at 7:37 pm

        You can surely cut off all dealings when the kids are grown, yes?

      • Twindaddy

        January 3, 2014 at 7:40 pm

        Gawd I hope so.

  4. Lee

    January 2, 2014 at 11:09 am

    Even if he is a new man (which I doubt), it makes no difference for you. The very fact that he keeps contacting you when you have made it clear that you don’t want to be contacted shows that he is not a new man. If he wants to be a new man, he’ll jolly well have to respect your wishes and move on.

    My verbally abusive ex did not respect my wishes to have no contact except what was necessary to make arrangements for the joint custody of our two teenage sons. Her continual interference made my life hell, and almost torpedoed my (second) marriage. Finally my wife put her foot down. This led to the end of the 50/50 custody arrangement that had been in place since my ex left me six years earlier. I hated requiring the boys to make a choice between the households, but there was no other way to resolve the crisis caused by their mother’s interference and harassment. Ever since the older son moved in full-time with her and then went off to college, and the younger son moved in full-time with us, there has been no contact with/from my ex. And that has been wonderful!

    If there had ever been a chance for reconciliation, it would have had to start with her respecting my wish for no unnecessary contact and no interference in my life and my household.

    The fact that the narc continues to disrespect your wishes shows that he still cares only about himself, and does not care about you. He wants you to make him feel better. Not your job. Glad to hear you’re cutting off some of his remaining means of harassing you. It’s a nuisance, and it’s “not fair,” but you’ll be able to breathe easier once it’s done!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:19 am

      I am so glad I never had children with that man. I can’t imagine having to endure what you (and your wife) did to provide a good home for your children.

      I know that he will never respect my wishes – I tried for a reconciliation before I left, and he shot me down. Whatever. It’s not my job to fix him, or any other damaged soul I encounter, not at the expense of my Self. I’m all about pleasing ME now πŸ™‚ And you know what? It’s working out just fine!

  5. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey

    January 2, 2014 at 11:57 am

    I would forward it to his live in girlfriend and let her deal with him.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:20 am

      I don’t know that he has a live in girlfriend and wouldn’t know how to contact her if I did…Really, it would be a relief if he found someone else to torture and I wouldn’t say a thing.

  6. StrongerSoulSurvivor

    January 2, 2014 at 12:59 pm

    Love your attitude to this blatant attempt at manipulation. Fantastic!

  7. Lynette d'Arty-Cross

    January 2, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    Congratulations! Let him steam in his own pile …. πŸ˜‰

  8. Aussa Lorens

    January 2, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    Ugh, I’m sorry. Been there done that, so glad you’re deleting your old stuff. It’s annoying and angering that someone can force you to go to all of that trouble but it will be worth it when you won’t have to worry about seeing his name (or his bullshit) pop up anymore.
    New Year, indeed.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:47 am

      It is annoying, but since he named everything from my email addy to my website it’s kind of a relief to “kill” that online identity.

  9. behindthemaskofabuse

    January 2, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    You should never have to have been a survivor, the fact that he said that says he knows he’s abusive. I heard from the narc sister over Christmas too they never stop. Happy New Year narc free!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:47 am

      Yep. Exactly. Assholes.

  10. Awana

    January 2, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    Oh, sigh…that didn’t take long….I am all good now–I’ve had my poop….. you can just come on back and give up this silly little game and see how great I am…sigh…this stuff is just so easy…good,bad, happy,sad, enlightenment…nirvana, whatever….tra, la la, la laaaaaa….oh, and just leave Mr. Right Toasty there–you won’t be needing that since suffering is so good for you…but with that new paycheck, you can pay the bill…what’s the problem???? Tra, la, la, la , laaaaaaaaaaaaaa……sigh….

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:50 am

      Delusion at its best, eh? He will never learn, but that’s just fine – he’s no longer my problem!

  11. overitblogdotcom

    January 3, 2014 at 10:25 am

    You go girl!!

  12. amfeelingright

    January 3, 2014 at 11:32 am

    That was a good email I thought, until I read the note after. I will read your story again.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 11:49 am

      Yes, on the surface it does seem heartfelt and sincere, and you are proof that if someone were to step into this conversation right now they would form a very different opinion about what’s really going on. It’s far from the Whole Story πŸ™‚

      • amfeelingright

        January 3, 2014 at 11:58 am

        Yes My friend. Misleading indeed. I guess that is why some of these people Con ‘artists’.

      • Sofia Leo

        January 3, 2014 at 7:38 pm

        You got that right! I was conned for a long, long time. Over half my life, in fact. No more!

      • kraftycatcreations

        January 3, 2014 at 9:06 pm

        I’m replying to your comment about being “conned for a long, long time”. Totally understand – I was kept so busy I did not see what was going on for almost 23 years! When I did wake up (it was like someone hit a switch) all hell broke out. Got divorced 8 1/2 years ago and love my life now! For me, getting rid of him was half the battle, the other half was finding myself!

      • Sofia Leo

        January 5, 2014 at 11:19 am

        Glad to hear you got out, kraftycatcreations! I, too, was kept too busy “working on my own shit” to take a hard look at him and my role in our relationship. My awakening was not quite a switch turning on, but it was irreversible. Funny thing, though, I always knew who I was and changed to make myself fit into abusive relationships. It was a relief to be able to go back to being the “me” I always was. It feels wonderful not playing games πŸ™‚

  13. H. Stern

    January 3, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    Let him meditate upon the concept of “fuck off.” It’s a good concept, with only one pillar: fuck off.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 3, 2014 at 7:39 pm

      I wish! If he’d gotten that memo (I wrote it down for him so there could be no “misunderstanding”) he would not be bothering me now πŸ™‚


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