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“Diagnosis”

30 Oct

I wasn’t going to post today, but this just landed in my inbox (yes, he’s still blocked):

I was diagnosed with PSTD on Monday, also chronic depression. The counselor, who is an expert in both, says I’ve been affected this way since my first accident. The official psychiatric diagnostic manual requires about five indicators from a list of about fifteen. I pegged the chart, with all fifteen. Good news is, this fine woman tells me she has cured every case of PSTD she has had, which includes five years of treating soldiers on a base in Southern California. A cure means a 100% healthy emotional life. Hard to imagine.

Today I went to the Lincoln county mental health clinic to see what they have to offer. They are much closer than the other option, which is an hour away, in north Lincoln City.

Some nice people here. And I think visits to them might be covered by my insurance. I’m not one to change in mid-stream, but we’ll see. I talked with a counselor for an hour and every few minutes, she’d politely interrupt to say “that’s another symptom of PTSD”.

The psychologist I visited today has a note on her white board that says “be grateful to everyone”. I am grateful to you, for kicking my ass so hard I finally did something.

Hope all is well for you. Give Sabu some love from me, please. 

Ain’t that sweet? 11.5 years of torturing me has led him to this epiphany today. He’s grateful. He has an official diagnosis.

Big fucking deal. I told him all of this years ago, but my opinion isn’t worth the paper he uses to wipe his ass, even though I was living with the fallout and begging him to do something about it.

Is this supposed to be an excuse? An apology? An open door to reconciliation? WTF? Am I supposed to feel guilty for leaving now? Should I now view leaving as a great humanitarian act instead of the flight for my life that it was? “100% healthy emotional life?” Should I go running back for that? Again, WTF?

I can’t tell you how pissed off this poisoned missive makes me. No diagnosis in the world excuses the way he treated me FOR YEARS! He doesn’t get to nod and say, “well, I suffer from PTSD and depression and that’s why I was such a dick to her. She should have stayed and helped me…” Oh, hell no!

Fuck you, narc. Fuck your “diagnosis.” Fuck your finally taking my advice and getting insurance and treatment. Fuck you for thinking you could interrupt my Fabulous with your narc bullshit.

Just. Fuck you.

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67 responses to ““Diagnosis”

  1. 3kids2cats1divorce

    October 30, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Totally read like a guilt trip to me. Glad you’re too smart to pack a bag for it!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 30, 2013 at 8:26 pm

      I can’t be bothered to be Hoovered back in by this pathetic attempt at playing on my sympathies. He just sucks. He will always suck. I can only hope that I quit getting angry at his bullshit some day.

       
  2. Paula

    October 30, 2013 at 4:56 pm

    Why would it take someone THIS long to care that he was hurting people? Because he’s finally REALLY all alone!!! Sure, I have no doubt he suffers from PTSD, and because he left it undiagnosed and untreated, he probably suffers from symptoms and signs related to borderline personality disorder and bipolar disorder. So what? He’s known all along he was sick, but because you catered to his shitty behavior, he had no reason to change. I say Fuck him, too, and all the fools out there who think there’s an excuse for abuse. Where is the effing apology? Wow! Douche. Bag.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 30, 2013 at 8:29 pm

      You may be right, Paula. I’m guessing it didn’t work out with his “old lover (who [he] still care[s] about)” and he’s putting out feelers to see if there’s any hope with me. And, yeah, I also noticed there was no heartfelt apology for putting me through hell. I refuse to let him use his “illness” and “damage” as an excuse to torture me. By all rights, I should be a raving bitch to everyone I see because of my personal demons, but I’m not because I have a soul and a conscience and can not justify being cruel to others. “Hurt people, hurt people,” my ass! I hope he rots in hell.

       
  3. jack joseph's mom

    October 30, 2013 at 5:00 pm

    He sounds very manipulative. Like “this is your fault, not mine”. I am happy you saw through this and that you are strong enough to say F U.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 30, 2013 at 8:30 pm

      It was always my fault. I didn’t love him enough. I didn’t mold myself into HIS picture of the Perfect Woman. I wasn’t able to remember all of his stupid rules and conditions and I just quit caring. These are all unpardonable crimes in the Narc Book of Rules. Whatever. Let him play with someone else’s sanity, I’m done.

       
  4. behindthemaskofabuse

    October 30, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    His guilt games. I have PTSD but I don’t abuse. I’m with you it took him this long?? Manipulation. Not that you would ever go back but if he had you back I can guarentee his “getting help” would stop. Sorry you got that.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 30, 2013 at 8:31 pm

      Exactly. He CHOSE to be a dick. He CHOSE to torture me. Even after I pointed out his unreasonable behavior, even after I begged and pleaded with him to stop, to get some help, he continued to abuse me. There’s no going back to that.

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        October 30, 2013 at 8:44 pm

        Yes you have a much better life and seems like your thriving in your passions now. He’s lost xo

         
      • Sofia Leo

        October 31, 2013 at 11:24 am

        I do have a better life – better than I ever even hoped for while with him 🙂

         
  5. JackieP

    October 30, 2013 at 5:12 pm

    So he’s PTSD? And it took this ‘fine woman’ to figure that out. Also she has a 100% success rate. Wow. You know what? I call bullshit, bullshit on the whole damn thing. No one has 100% success rate. NO ONE. So he thinks because he has found this ‘fine woman’ doctor and she just agrees with everything he says he’s going to be cured? Yeah, ok. Bullshit!

    The thing with narcs is they can’t just be okay with things. It’s all about the drama. He talks and this ‘fine woman’ doctor just nods her womanly head and agrees, oh my god. What a bunch of crap. And of course it’s not like she has SOME success rate, she is 100%! So in his eyes and narc brain he’s already half cured! So you should just fall on your knees and bless him and her and say you’ll be right back there with him to help anyway you can! Yeah, ok, BULLSHIT.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 30, 2013 at 8:36 pm

      Yeah, he started talking her up even before I left. Some friends went to her for couples counseling and it “saved their marriage” and he thought I would be willing to jump through those same hoops, but by then there was nothing left to save. No reputable doctor would claim a 100% success rate, so I don’t know where he thinks he’s going with that. It’s all just a big ol’ pile of crap, and I’m done eating the Shit Sandwiches he is always trying to force on me.

      I have no doubt he has some PTSD. He is physically messed up. No denying it. Doesn’t excuse his behavior and it’s not nearly enough to make me consider taking him back. I am beyond caring what people think about my leaving the way I did and my refusal to communicate with him now that he’s on the path to “recovery” and we all know what that means for a narc – absolutely nothing.

       
      • JackieP

        October 30, 2013 at 10:15 pm

        You are so right. Also what others think don’t mean nothing either. They didn’t live with the narc! And a narc is always going through something, that’s what partly makes then a narc. Its all about them and the drama!

         
      • Sofia Leo

        October 31, 2013 at 11:29 am

        You’re right, and in my more peaceful moments I know that the opinions others have about me are none of my business, but when something like this gets through the filters I lose myself for a minute and feel nothing but rage that I turned myself upside down and inside out for this man, over and over again, and now he gets to have his life just the way he wants it with no consequences and people probably see him as the better person and I will never be believed because emotional abuse is so far outside the realm of “normal” that people don’t even see it as possible between two people who appear so loving in public.

        Wow. Run-on sentences now. I should stop 🙂 I’m just pissed. Not only at him, but at so many other things I see going on around me that are just fucking wrong and I can’t do anything about it.

         
  6. Melanie

    October 30, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    La dee da for him. Asshole.

     
  7. overitblogdotcom

    October 30, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    What a moron,,I hope his “fine woman” bleeds his insurance and him of alot of money!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 30, 2013 at 8:36 pm

      He has no money of his own to bleed, but I’m sure she’s an expert at maxing out insurance compaines 🙂

       
  8. Twindaddy

    October 30, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    Are you sure changing your email addy wouldn’t be worth the trouble?

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 30, 2013 at 8:37 pm

      Too many other connections. I’m working on it. I have no idea how many notes he might actually be sending because only a very few have made it through.

       
      • Twindaddy

        October 31, 2013 at 4:04 am

        Still…imagine how great it would feel for him to finally have one of those emails bounce back saying “email address no longer exists”. C’mon…that’s gotta be tempting. Eh? EH???

        Seriously, though. Just my two cents. You don’t need this crap. I get those emails, too, and it drives me nuts. The difference is I share a child with her so I have to give her mine….and it sucks.

         
      • lookingforward2012

        October 31, 2013 at 5:51 am

        What about setting filters so his emails go to a separate folder that once a week you just delete the contents without reading them? I get it, I would read them too – but its all just an attempt to get a reaction. While he’s not seeing the reaction – you’re still reacting.
        I know for me – oh my god – it eats me up inside when I let him piss me off. He’s nothing. He’s a useless sack of shit. Why am I getting mad?! I still have a ways to go (but we have kids, so I’ve got another 4.5 years) but how I wish I could just delete the crap he sends me without reading it!

         
      • Sofia Leo

        October 31, 2013 at 11:30 am

        You’re right and I will work harder to get everything transferred over to my new addy so I can drop that shit out of my life forever.

         
  9. paulamorical

    October 30, 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Seriously? I could launch such an attack on this pathetic attempt of his to continue the cycle of abuse. But I think I’ll keep it short and say AGREE with every other comment and AGREE with your whole post! Fuck him and his bull. Makes my blood boil. 😦

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 30, 2013 at 8:38 pm

      It doesn’t help that I’ve been pissed off at the state of the world lately. His note just hit me wrong and I thank all of you for reading my crazy ranting. You are the best!

       
  10. stephrogers

    October 30, 2013 at 9:21 pm

    It definitely reads like a guilt thing to me. I’m so glad you are able to see it for what it is. Good on you.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 11:31 am

      He was always about the guilt. In the beginning he presented a very different picture, but over time it became this huge cloud that he projected over my head. Obviously I’m still pissed off about that, too 🙂

       
      • stephrogers

        October 31, 2013 at 6:10 pm

        Yes. My ex is all about the guilt at the moment too. I haven’t crawled out from under it yet. I know what you mean, it hangs over you like a dead weight.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        October 31, 2013 at 7:47 pm

        It’s the burden we bear as non-disordered people. They are so good at using it against us. It makes me so sad that people can be so cruel and then go on as if nothing happened while we wallow and suffer for years, sometimes never recovering.

         
  11. Aussa Lorens

    October 30, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    Whaaaat. Okay, he is straight crazy– doesn’t he know you want him to leave you alone?! And he’s writing you this random ass note about his visits to a counselor who gave him a DSM diagnosis like that’s some sort of free pass for being a shit head? Ugh, give me a break. Someone needs to revoke his right to use the internet.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 11:34 am

      But why would I want to stay away from the awesomesauce that is Him? Surely I’m just going through some mid-life whatever and am now sorry that I left but maybe I just don’t know how to approach him about it? Pride was always one of my worst sins, according to him. I’m sure he thinks he’s doing me a favor by allowing me this chance. After all, he’s about to be cured! We can finally have the life he always wanted for us!

      Yeaaaahhhhhh….It’s just him, trolling out a line, hoping to snag me into responding so he can carry on with his lies and bullshit. Not gonna happen.

       
  12. 1jaded1

    October 31, 2013 at 12:10 am

    No excuse. PTSD is no excuse.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 11:38 am

      I can see how PTSD can cause people to lash out in fear or anger when being triggered, but the difference is true remorse, apologies and working together to heal those wounds by whatever means necessary, and it’s never personal – it’s one person working out past trauma with no intent to destroy the other person or to bring them down to the depths of despair.

      I don’t believe PTSD was ever a factor in his abuse of me. I learned very early in our relationship where his triggers were and I *stayed the fuck away from them* because it’s cruel to push a person’s buttons just for the fun of it. But it was one of his favorite pastimes.

      He’s just a dick. A dick with issues that he needs to deal with. I won’t be around to see his transformation, and for that I am grateful 🙂

       
  13. Just Me With . . .

    October 31, 2013 at 5:54 am

    Most people’s shit is brown. But the narc is truly special because his shit is transparent, as clear as glass. We can all see right through it.

    You said it best, “Oh hell no.”

     
    • paulamorical

      October 31, 2013 at 8:57 am

      Oh my goodness. Such a serious topic, but that comment is too funny (and true)!! “his shit is transparent…” Awesome!

       
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 11:39 am

      XD That is hilarious and oh, so appropriate 🙂

       
  14. Lee

    October 31, 2013 at 10:32 am

    Nice to know you’ve done your job for him by “kicking his ass so hard.” Your job is done! Now it’s time for him to do his job for himself . . . or not. It has nothing to do with you anymore.

    Is he creating different email addresses to get through?

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 11:40 am

      Yeah. I guess I can pat myself on the back now. Whatever. I have no idea why his notes are getting through. His address is still blocked and he’s not using a different address. It must be because he’s using his laptop at various places that have free WiFi and I haven’t blocked all of those addresses yet.

       
      • Lee

        October 31, 2013 at 11:44 am

        Are you blocking it by IP, or by email address? Or by something else?

         
      • Sofia Leo

        October 31, 2013 at 7:27 pm

        It;s a Gmail address, so I blocked him from Gmail and Google+. He doesn’t even show up in my address book. As far as Gmail is concerned, he doesn’t exist. Dunno why the occasional note shows up. I should block by IP address, I know, but if he has a laptop that he uses at various places, does that change the IP address or is it computer specific?

         
      • Lee

        October 31, 2013 at 8:11 pm

        I’m not a techie, and I don’t do gmail, so I’m probably not the best one to help. I would think that blocking a specific email address would be the way to go. Got any techie friends?

         
      • Sofia Leo

        October 31, 2013 at 8:18 pm

        I could probably dredge up a techie 🙂 It’s November (in a few hours) so I won’t have time until next month, but I’ll look into it. I would have thought Gmail had it covered, but there ya go – nothing is perfect. Off to write my novel!

         
      • H. Stern

        November 1, 2013 at 3:14 am

        Since I can’t comment back to both you AND Lee: Gmail is notoriously difficult to work with. I have it, I use it, and I hate it. You SHOULD be blocking by email address, as is typically the default. I wouldn’t block by IP, because then, like you said, he could just move to another location and keep emailing. You might want to either check the settings on your account, or reach out to a GMail help line or email and see what can be done.

        Now, on to what I was going to say about this email:

        A) Fuck him. My husband has both PTSD and depression, and he has never EVER exhibited the types of behaviors you’ve mentioned in your blog. Is my husband PERFECT? No, of course not, but he also wanted to change and while I provided some assistance in that, he wanted it for himself. So… why is this dude emailing you now? To say “thanks”? Is this a 12 step thing? You have to go back and say sorry to all the people you were an asshole to? Jesus… that might take him for-fucking-ever.

        B) Fuck him. Just generally. Clearly, he has no respect for you. Though I don’t know if you said it, I would imagine that BEFORE blocking him, you let him know you weren’t interested in communicating with him anymore. The fact that he is still emailing you tells me that he has no respect for your wishes, even if he disguises it as a “thanks for being my whipping post for years before leaving me.”

        Ugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I don’t know him, and even I wanted to slap him.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        November 1, 2013 at 9:41 pm

        Other than this little glitch, I like Gmail. Never had a problem until now. The spam filters are even pretty good for me. At this moment I’m too busy to care and will file away any new emails that might come in to be dealt with next month. It’s NaNoWriMo and I ain’t got no time for that shit right now 🙂

        Sorry to learn about your hubby, but dang! he’s a keeper for seeing that he had a problem and taking steps to do something about it to make his (and your) life better. God, I wish I could find that in a mate just once.

        I totally agree that PTSD is not an excuse to be a dick. I don’t know where he gets his sense of entitlement but I would like to slap it right out of him some days.

        I did tell him that I was done with his yelling and irrational crap. I did not actually tell him that I never wanted to hear from him again. Kinda figured that changing my phone number would be a nice big neon sign that even he couldn’t miss 🙂 He refused to respect my boundaries from the moment I left him, so I doubted he would start any time soon and just bypassed the whole issue by disappearing. I didn’t feel I owed him an explanation – he treated me like shit, I left, end of story.

         
      • H. Stern

        November 4, 2013 at 3:24 am

        Agreed. Fuck that noise. NaNoWriMo your FACE off!!!!!!!!!

         
  15. judi

    October 31, 2013 at 12:26 pm

    Your honest expression of how you really feel made me laugh out loud! So glad you are too smart for his crap. 🙂
    100% success rate??? what crap.
    “A cure means a 100% healthy emotional life. Hard to imagine.” only a total moron would imagine it!!!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 7:28 pm

      Narc = moron 🙂

       
  16. Laura

    October 31, 2013 at 1:22 pm

    The way I read this is that as a narc he cannot possibly look in the mirror and ever once believe that the bad things that happen in his life are his own fault. He must find a reason (aka: excuse) that he can point to. This way he can say to himself that this is why these things happened. He cannot possibly be accountable because he’s such a perfect specimen of a human being after all, so none of this is his fault. (sarcasm) He could never conceive of the thought that: “Wow, I treated her like shit and she left. I deserved that and I should apologize.” There was no apology in this e-mail you noticed; right? Because in his mind he still doesn’t think he did anything wrong, and now he can point to his “diagnosis” and blame it (as well as you) for all his problems. Now he never has to take any personal responsibility. If you went back to him, thank god you’re too smart for that, he would have a new weapon to beat you with (metaphorically speaking). The new party line would be: “hey, it’s not me, it’s my PTSD. You must forgive me and make allowances for my bad behavior. Otherwise that makes you a bad person if you don’t. After all, I can’t help it. It’s because of my “issues.” Therefore you must cater to my whims and tread lightly. I am a special snowflake with issues”. UGH!!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 7:44 pm

      “A special snowflake!” I like that!

      It’s the most irritating thing about the narc – they truly believe that they are unique and that only Very Special People are capable of understanding them and their special needs. So, no, nothing is ever their fault. Nothing. From hang nails to mountains of debt – it’s all the fault of someone else. Always. Assholes.

       
  17. Jenny

    October 31, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    If it makes you feel better my X-Narc was in total denial he was at fault with anything, it was all my fault but he told my kids he was a lousy father and a lousy husband to THEM and promised to be a better grandfather….BUT…He has NEVER told me sorry for putting me through hell and I just kinda laugh now because the gal he took off with is a very insecure Narc herself and he is now afraid to even talk to me in fear she will have a hissy fit..AND SHE DOES!!!
    Karma…..I got even….he got the nut case and I got a better husband!! Love it!!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 7:44 pm

      At least he TRIED to fix his relationship with his kids. As women, we are expendable, however. What a dick. Living well is the best revenge and you have it in spades 🙂

       
  18. Pippa Pirrip

    October 31, 2013 at 5:16 pm

    Not surprised. A few months after I left TheEx, he told me he had cancer (it changed from throat to lung to emphysema) and sometimes he would talk about how it caused him to have this great epiphany on how to be a better partner, other times he would try to use it to guilt me into coming back to care for him. Funny how, 7 years later, he’s still not dead…

    Anyway, I bet Narc won’t go through with treatment when he realizes it isn’t bringing you back. (Not that he’d go through with it if it DID bring you back, either.)

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 7:47 pm

      I fully expected him to have an injury of some sort, but he surprised me by not playing that card. Yet. He had many epiphanies, always forgetting them within a very short time. It was all smoke and mirrors – he never had any intention of changing anything about himself or the way he treated me. It was a hard lesson for me to learn, but I have it down now! This is just one more game he’s playing, but I’ve taken my ball and won’t be going back to his playground. Ever.

       
  19. desperationchronicles

    October 31, 2013 at 8:07 pm

    Sofia,

    While I am worn out from the day, I am compelled to comment on this post. I originally read it this morning with a groggy head. When I first read it, I thought you were saying that you had been diagnosed. Then I took a reread. How utterly absurd of him! He is playing the sympathy card. Who gives a crap? What about what he did to you? I hear no apology in there, just “me,me,me”. This fugger is straight up crazy, and needs to have his nads stapled gunned to a chair far away from a computer. Thank goodness you got away when you did.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 31, 2013 at 8:21 pm

      You weren’t the only one to see the title and flip out a little 🙂 Yeah. It’s official – he’s a dick and a Qualified Professional has confirmed it. Whoop de do! What does this mean to me? Fuck-all, that’s what. I do like the vision of nailing his nads to a chair and taking his computer away 🙂 He taught me to drive a 16d nail and there’s a lovely solid oak chair at his house…I just might smile myself to sleep with that vision tonight. Thanks!

       
  20. Wendy Powell

    November 1, 2013 at 3:55 am

    Smacks of leading with “poor me” that is so characteristic of a narcissist. Not only did you leave me, you left me while I was sick. Blah, blah, blah. I’m going to sound damaged here, but there is a real possibility that he didn’t even see anyone, or get the diagnosis at all and is just using it to pull your heart strings and try to lure you back in. I don’t really know him so disregard that if it is way out of line. My narc lied about worse.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      November 1, 2013 at 9:44 pm

      He may not have seen anyone, but I’m guessing he did because he’s trying to get disability payments because he can’t work and a Real Diagnosis would help his claim. Does it matter? Nope. I don’t care. I am surprised that he didn’t sustain an “injury” that would have me coming back to help him. Maybe he thought it was too late for that. I dunno. He’s pissing into the wind if he thinks he has any hope of seeing me again.

       
      • Wendy Powell

        November 2, 2013 at 3:11 am

        Well, he’s already tried, I’m sick. Let’s see what tactic he uses next to get you to see him. 🙂

         
  21. Jenny

    November 1, 2013 at 5:40 pm

    I look forward to the day you stop getting any kind of communication from the jerk!!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      November 1, 2013 at 9:45 pm

      What would I blog about? 🙂

       
  22. Battered Wife Seeking Better Life

    November 5, 2013 at 10:19 am

    Just another aspect of “Look At Me Syndrome”. Always in need of attention. How about this newsflash…NO ONE CARES BUDDY!!! They’re amazing. I’ve diagnosed my narc husband with being an asshole. The only cure…lack of oxygen. Yet, he breathes.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      November 5, 2013 at 4:04 pm

      I LOVE your cure! If only…

       
  23. Elyse

    November 14, 2013 at 6:16 pm

    Hmmmm. Can someone get PTSD from having to deal with someone with PTSD? I bet there’s an acronym for that.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      November 15, 2013 at 7:52 am

      Yes, you can! Someone in my reader has blogged about it. I want to say that it’s C-PTSD or something like that…

       
  24. suzjones

    November 19, 2013 at 12:36 pm

    At least he didn’t end it with a false apology.
    You can do this girl. Recovering from emotional abuse takes time but it can be done and you will be the stronger for it. 🙂 Been there, done that … have the emotional scars to prove it.

     
  25. Dee

    November 30, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    …I get it. I hear you and I totally get it. Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      December 2, 2013 at 2:18 pm

      You’re welcome. I’m sorry you can relate so well 😦

       

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