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Love Advice

23 Sep

Yesterday one of my IRL FB friends posted this picture to my wall along with the accompanying blurb –

Les & Helen

Les and Helen were born on the same day. When they met as teenagers they eloped because their parents disapproved. After 75 years of wedded bliss they died just one day apart, aged 94…..’She didn’t want to see him die, and he didn’t want to live without her.’….How many Likes for this true love between this couple?β™₯β™₯!!!!

Sigh. I can’t tell you how annoyed I am every time I see another one of these stupid memes. So few of my IRL “friends” post anything of any real value on their FB pages. WTF are they doing all day? Now, I’m just as guilty of not posting much, or sharing clever, witty or inspirational things that other people write, but you will never see a “like this or you are a horrible person” memes on my wall.

Anyway. She accompanied this meme with the following:

An example of some stories that are happy ones. Being with the wrong person is defiantly hell, but finding the right one makes life worth living. I hope you do not give up on love.

Before you go, “Aw, that’s sweet! She must be so happy in her married life that she just can’t bear to see you all alone and miserable…” the person who sent this to me is someone I’ve written about here before. A little recap: P’s husband is an abusive asshole and probably a narcissist. He behaves like a child and corrects her behavior in public. The little time that I spent in company with the two of them was very uncomfortable as he was watching her every move and she had her jaw clenched and her eyes downcast.

So what is the message she’s trying to send to me? Does she think that she has anything to offer about relationships when her own is an oozing pile of crap? Really?

My reply:

I knew from a young age that I did not want to go through life two-by-two. I saw, even then, the inequalities and understood the trap that is marriage. Three times I gave in to pressure to join my life to a man who promised to be my Prince Charming. Three times I did everything I could think of to do (including looking the other way when they committed Deal Breakers – you really have no idea what I have put up with) to make our life what he had promised it could be. Three times I have had to uproot myself (twice my son, too) and make a new life because those men were assholes who only wanted to take everything they could from me, to use me until I was empty. I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t believe in happily ever after. I am content, very happy in fact, to live with my dog and my cat alone with only our needs to take care of. There’s just too damn much Happy, Happy, Happy ’round here to find room for a man! Kudos to you if you’ve found your Bliss – I don’t intend to discount your own happiness – but your path is not MY path and never will be.

In her defense, she really doesn’t know what I went through with the narc* so she can’t have a full understanding of why I might not be eager to jump back on the Couples Bandwagon. She did back off, though:

Happy your way is definitely what counts. I can fall into the desire to see people happy as I define it no matter how often I learn that it’s not valid. I have good intent thou. I hope the happy good life stays.

She’s not happy. Everything about her screams at how unhappy she is. What does she hope to accomplish with her bullshit wishes for me?

I just don’t understand some people…

* Taking El Guapo’s position and no longer capitalizing πŸ™‚

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23 responses to “Love Advice

  1. JackieP

    September 23, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    Maybe she is trying really really hard to convince herself that she is happy. Some people do this. Honesty to myself is much more important then trying to convince others or myself that I am happy when I’m not. Hope she realizes this at some point.

     
    • Twindaddy

      September 23, 2013 at 12:25 pm

      I concur. Like a doctor.

       
      • Sofia Leo

        September 23, 2013 at 7:39 pm

        Do doctors concur? I had no idea!

         
      • Twindaddy

        September 24, 2013 at 3:37 am

        Indeed they do. According to some people.

         
    • Sofia Leo

      September 23, 2013 at 7:38 pm

      That could be the case, but why preach to me? I guess she could be preaching to everyone in an effort to shore up her own delusions. Her husband is a nasty piece of work, that’s a fact!

       
  2. goldfish

    September 23, 2013 at 12:43 pm

    Gah. Hypocrites. Boooo.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 23, 2013 at 7:39 pm

      Hypocrites suck!

       
      • complicatedwaltz

        September 23, 2013 at 9:38 pm

        Do you think she might be trying to reach out to you? Maybe this is the opening to a good conversation. Give her a call. Maybe she wants to talk about love. It sounds like her partner is a crazy-maker.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 24, 2013 at 8:19 am

        I have reached out to her in other conversations. Her life is, according to her, perfect. I’ve made it clear that I’m available if she wants to talk, so the ball is in her court…

         
  3. Pippa Pirrip

    September 23, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    “…I don’t believe in love at first sight. I don’t believe in happily ever after. I am content, very happy in fact, to live with my dog and my cat alone with only our needs to take care of…”

    THIS! This so effing hard!

    I am sick of societal pressure running my life. I don’t need a relationship to make me happy- I tried that and it’s never worked, in fact it’s done the opposite. I know some couples who seem to be completely happy with eachother, they’re in love and genuinely enjoy eachother’s company. However, I know more couples that don’t have sex, pray for a night away from eachother and just seem to be too lazy to break up. My ‘best friend’ is a prime example: She complains about her partner constantly (and they’re valid complaints.) She breaks up with him a couple times a week, but it never lasts more than a few minutes. She’s actively avoiding getting engaged, and she knows it, but she’s not really looking for a way out of the relationship. But then, she’s like this with her job, too. For years she’s been saying she’s about to be fired, that the company’s falling apart, that she hates her job- and yet she doesn’t update her resume or try to find something new. ThatFriend used to say “People would rather live with the misery they know than risk the happiness they don’t.” (Of course, he hasn’t changed much in the past 7 years, so there’s that.)

    But hey, you and I, we’re examples of those who do change. We’ve risked and we’re both happier for it!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 23, 2013 at 7:43 pm

      It IS hard, so very hard! I knew my own mind so long ago and yet I caved in to the pressure from all sides and did what I was supposed to do – married young, had a baby, and then it all went to shit but I continued down the path set out for me by remarrying so my son would have a dad and that went to shit, too, and now this latest debacle. I’ve wasted over half my life with this shit! You can bet that I no longer care what “they” say about how I live my life and my only regret is that I didn’t do this years ago! Gaaahhhhhh! It makes me so mad!

      We should start a club – Single and Happy. Really. Go away πŸ™‚

       
      • Pippa Pirrip

        September 23, 2013 at 8:38 pm

        I would join that club!

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 23, 2013 at 8:48 pm

        We need a name…

         
      • Pippa Pirrip

        September 24, 2013 at 6:20 pm

        Badass Bitches on Their Own?
        Single, Thank G-d
        Spinsters by Choice
        Sensationally Single
        Unattached and Un-irritated
        I Prefer My Dog…

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 24, 2013 at 9:46 pm

        I am a spinster, by choice πŸ™‚ At one time spinsters were quite a valuable asset to a family – they were unmarried or widowed women who spent their days spinning the wool that was woven into cloth to make clothes for the entire family. It was a HUGE job and to have a woman who could devote all of her time to it was considered quite posh.

        Unattached and Un-irritated is the best one, but it doesn’t quite roll off the tongue…

         
  4. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey

    September 23, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    I am thinking that maybe these are the wishes she has for herself. I know at times that I post Pollyana type stuff not because my life in this moment reflects it but because this is where I would like to be. If her marriage is as you say, yeah I’m guessing that what she really longs for is the type of marriage described in her meme. Like if she wishes for it long and hard enough her marriage will transform.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 23, 2013 at 7:45 pm

      I don’t post the Pollyanna stuff if I don’t believe it to be true. I actually have a very positive outlook on life. I do. Really. I believe in the power of trans-formative thought. But thinking will only get you so far. I wasted YEARS thinking about what I wanted my life to look like and it wasn’t until I took real action that things got better. Shit or get off the pot, as my Granny would say…

       
  5. El Guapo

    September 23, 2013 at 1:41 pm

    Woohoo! I’m immortalized on the blog about the asshat narc!
    I mean…ummm… πŸ˜‰

    In the end, each person should find their own happiness. If it can be found with someone else, tehn god bless ’em.
    If not, that’s fine too. For me, peace of mind is all I really want.
    Mostly…

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 23, 2013 at 7:46 pm

      Peace of mind is a very good beginning, G. I believe that if a person has peace of mind and is kind to others, good luck and prosperity (however you, personally, define it) will follow.

      Being immortalized on a blog is also a good thing πŸ™‚

       
  6. Awana

    September 23, 2013 at 3:43 pm

    I suspect any couple who stays together for a long time simply have something that binds them–it could be something great, something codependent, or something really nasty…many couples are just bound by some common hatred. And so many women just agree with the man. Older women could at least get some pin money out of them and stay home–we have to be abused by the same narco filth in the workplace while we scratch for favors–and work is harder to leave!!!!! Boo hiss to all these “loving” couples–it is all bullshit. And BTW–did you all forget that there is no such thing as love?? Wake the fuck up…

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 23, 2013 at 7:47 pm

      Ties that bind are also chains that confine. Co-existence is what we should be aiming for. One plus one equals two. I am whole by myself and don’t want to be half of anything.

       
  7. Laura

    September 23, 2013 at 4:55 pm

    I often think that the people who post the gooey B.S. on facebook are just using it to cover up and hide their misery by trying to project a sparkly image to everyone else. After all, image seems to be all that matters in some parts of our society these days, which is why I usually don’t fit in. I refuse to care about superficial malarkey. I guess I’m a bit jaded and cynical, but as soon as I read a: “my husband is sooo neato and spiffy and I am the luckiest woman in the world” post, I automatically assume she found his porn stash or the other woman’s phone number. *Snicker* Ok, perhaps I’m exaggerating a tiny bit, but the oooey gooey posts annoy me…I digress.

    One thing that concerns me, if you are FB friends with this woman can she inadvertently let the Narc know where you are? What if she tells her husband and he tells the Narc? I cut ties with friends of the ex (and their spouses etc.) and blocked him and everyone he knew on FB because I didn’t want my life leaking back to him. Yet somehow I still didn’t manage to plug all the leaks. Gah! I finally figured it out later and it ultimately explained some crazy ranting text messages I had received. I guess he caught sight of some photos of me having fun with friends. How. Dare. I. Again, I digress… I just want you to be careful. I’m sure you know all of this already. πŸ™‚

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 23, 2013 at 7:52 pm

      Sparkly images do seem to be what everyone strives for. I don’t know why – if the sparkles aren’t real, what’s the point? I no longer care what “they” think of me, and you know what? I am so damn happy now! Srsly! I would recommend my life to anyone πŸ™‚

      There are connections from here to there if one were to dig deep enough, but there are no connections from there to here, if you know what I mean. I have both FB accounts locked down fairly tight and so far no one has figured it out who wasn’t let in on the secret in the first place. I was very careful when I first crafted this alter ego, beyond paranoia, in fact, so I doubt someone with the narc’s limited capabilities could untangle the threads. P has no clue that I’m blogging about her, so she has nothing to tell her husband.

      And really? Let him come after me. I will fuck him up and still sleep soundly at night. Well, as soundly as Sabu and LD will let me sleep πŸ™‚

       

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