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And another thing…

23 Sep

I hear “happy” couples say that a good relationship takes “a lot of work.” WTF does that even mean? I don’t believe that a good relationship should “take a lot of work.” That’s just dumb. It implies that they aren’t compatible and never were.

IMHO (and take this with a cup of salt, considering my record) if two people are truly compatible and love and respect each other, there shouldn’t be anything other than trivial disagreements to deal with and we all have those with pretty much every person we come into extended contact with all our lives.

I hear things like, “he always does xyz and he knows I hate it!”

I ask, “did he always do xyz?”

“Well…yes…but I thought he’d stop for me!”

Or, “she’s so hung up on abc and refuses to change her mind to my point of view!”

“Uh…did she always feel strongly about abc?”

“Yes! But she’s wrong and she’s just being immature and bull-headed about changing her mind!”

Right. So s/he did or felt strongly about something From.The.Beginning. and you’re just now catching on? WTF were you thinking?

It’s the stupidest thing about relationships: thinking that you have the right to change someone else. They are how they are. You either love them and deal with the little things you don’t particularly like, or you call it off before it goes beyond dating. That’s what dating is for, for the love of all that’s holy!

I guess that’s what “settling” is all about, but why live the rest of your life in misery when there’s someone out there who will love you for your comic book/cat/yarn/old DVD collection? Someone who loves it when you laugh so hard you snort? Someone who plays mandolin to your banjo? Someone who understands your baggage – they don’t have to agree to do anything but be sympathetic and not stomp up and down on your Hot Buttons just to fuck with you. I really don’t think it’s too much to ask for. Anything else is just frosting on the cake.

People seem to expect that their new mate will just quietly conform to whatever preconceived notions they have (spoken or not) as soon as the ink is dry on the marriage certificate and that’s where the problems start.

I have to ask – why bother? If you’re not compatible, it’s never going to work and you’re setting yourself up for a lot of pain.

Oh, wait! We get into bad relationships for a variety of reasons and we stay for an even wider variety of reasons, one of which I would like to address right now: outside pressure. Whether from family (“when am I going to have some grandbabies?” “Your sister/brother/cousin has been married for ages and now it’s your turn!” “You don’t want to die an Old Maid, do you?”) friends (“we’re all paired off now and you just don’t fit in with us any more”) or some other group that makes it their business to dictate how you will live your life, they all suck.

“We just want you to be happy!” they exclaim.

“But I don’t want to be married,” you declare. Or, “I’m just not ready to settle down yet.”

Not.Good.Enough. for them. Sigh. Where was I going with this?

Ah! Stop! Just stop telling single people that they will never be happy until they are paired off! It’s not necessarily true and it’s not even any of your business, so butt out! There is nothing wrong with being single. Not a damned thing. Really. The world won’t end because some people choose not to share their life with another person. It doesn’t concern you. Move on. Mind your own business. Stop preaching that happiness comes only to couples.

Let me live my pathetic, empty, lonely life without your commentary and I will refrain from telling you how I do exactly what I want to do every single day. I won’t mention that I ate the last of the ice cream and didn’t have to worry about someone else getting upset about it. Or how I sleep diagonally on the bed every night and I hog all of the pillows and blankets because they are Mine, All Mine! Or that I go where I want, do what I want, watch what I want, read what I want and make all of the decisions in my life (big and small) with no input from anyone else. Every single thing is just the way I like it and there’s no one to complain about any part of it. My life is pretty much perfect, but I won’t disabuse you of your notions.

Unless you’d like to make a break for freedom, too… πŸ™‚

DSCN0131

We like things just the way they are. Go bother someone else!

 

 
40 Comments

Posted by on September 23, 2013 in Happy, I totally Rock!, Relationships

 

Tags: ,

40 responses to “And another thing…

  1. complicatedwaltz

    September 23, 2013 at 9:27 pm

    I do think marriages take a lot of work. It’s work to build the life together that you want to have. It isn’t bad work, it’s not drudgery, but it is still work to set goals together, especially when you have your individual aspirations, too…it’s a give and take…so it’s hard work to let go sometimes and let your partner soar. Or watch him fail. And pick up the pieces. It’s hard work to balance your needs with his, even more so when there’s kids. Even in a good, solid marriage, it’s never just on auto-pilot. It’s never a no-brainer. A good marriage takes conscientious effort.

     
    • Twindaddy

      September 24, 2013 at 3:45 am

      This. Even compatible people have to work to keep a marriage strong. However, some people enjoy the single life and there’s nothing wrong with that. I certainly understand your point of view. I definitely understand your frustration with your friend and she DOES need to mind her own business.

       
      • Sofia Leo

        September 24, 2013 at 2:16 pm

        Haven’t heard a peep out of her since…

         
      • Twindaddy

        September 24, 2013 at 2:42 pm

        Most people don’t peep after they’ve been put in their place.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 24, 2013 at 2:56 pm

        πŸ™‚

         
    • El Guapo

      September 24, 2013 at 8:50 am

      Perfect! You said exactly what I was going to say, but much more eloquently.

       
    • Sofia Leo

      September 24, 2013 at 2:11 pm

      I guess I spent so much time bending over backwards to please a husband/partner that I never saw that he was doing any “work” – it was all about me letting everything go so I can’t even fathom what it must be like.

       
  2. JackieP

    September 23, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    ha! Love the rant! You are so right too. Even though I am married, I’m content I guess you could say. I don’t share a bed with him. (so I can have all the covers to myself) That’s the way we like it. We are more best friends than anything and it works for us. There is no flame to keep lit. We talk, we do things our own way, he has his friends I have mine. He does his thing I do mine. Like I say, most would not understand our marriage but it works with us. That’s all that matters in the end. Whatever works for you. No one has a right to judge you or judge me. So you do what you feel you need to do. πŸ™‚

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 24, 2013 at 2:13 pm

      If you’re happy and not hurting anyone else, I say do as ye will πŸ™‚

       
      • JackieP

        September 24, 2013 at 3:17 pm

        My sentiments exactly πŸ™‚

         
  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    September 23, 2013 at 9:37 pm

    I agree no one has the right to judge your choices if you’re happy where your at then that’s good for you.
    However I will say I’m happily married and we are best friends but it’s definitely hard work. Like what complicatedwaltz said.

     
  4. Baldeep Kaur

    September 24, 2013 at 1:09 am

    Compatibility is not about what you have in common, but all about being okay with things that are different.

    yes, every relationship needs time, affection, space to grow and constant support. Call it work or essence of any relation, depends on a person’s perspective.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 24, 2013 at 2:15 pm

      I believe that we can celebrate our differences, but (with the narc especially) I was shot down for even thinking that HE would like anything about me that was different than what HE wanted. And what he wanted was always a moving target. I didn’t stand a chance, really. It was a losing proposition going in and I’m not willing to do it again.

       
      • Baldeep Kaur

        September 24, 2013 at 8:34 pm

        I completely agree with your perspective. That guy has psychological issues.

        But for you, in your present it is just about meeting that one person with who you can celebrate your differences…

        πŸ™‚

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 24, 2013 at 9:44 pm

        I am totally not interested in meeting anyone. My dog and cat are quite enough. I have friends to visit with and really don’t desire anything more. I know that makes me strange, but at this point I don’t even care πŸ™‚

         
      • Baldeep Kaur

        September 24, 2013 at 9:49 pm

        I had no intentions to preach or suggest a way of living life.I did not mean that you should look for a person. I am sorry if you felt that way.

        I was just sharing my thoughts on relationships and how we should not let our past experiences affect our future.

        πŸ™‚

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 24, 2013 at 10:07 pm

        I didn’t think you were preaching πŸ™‚

        One of the (many) things the narc harped on was how he felt that I was “making [him] pay for what other men had done to [me].” He was, of course, projecting, but he made me wonder if what he said was true, and it led me down a rabbit hole that I should not have considered.

        The fact is that I have endured some pretty awful crap at the hands of men who claimed to love me. In spite of all of that, I don’t hate men. I don’t hate relationships. I don’t dislike people who are happily paired up, nor do I envy them. It’s just that my current path feels right to me and for once I am embracing my actual reality, rather than trying to fit myself into a box that others think I should be inside.

         
      • Baldeep Kaur

        September 24, 2013 at 10:26 pm

        Thanks for understanding my words the way I meant it. πŸ™‚

        We don’t have to fit any social boxes as to fit into one we will have to make our lives very small. So live your life the way you want to.

        I have also been through some terrible times in life. Recently i realized that I am still making myself suffer because of my past and it is not healthy. I am reading a book , power of now, by Eckhart and it is proving to be very helpful to get over this addiction with past.

        please grab a copy if you like. It has helped me answer many life questions. It has given me a deeper understanding of who I am and how to deal with difficult situations.

        Hope you decide to read it too. πŸ™‚

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 25, 2013 at 11:12 am

        I have never believed that I am ruled today by events from my past. Until the narc, I had a pretty good grip on reality, leaving the past in the past. Then, once I had shared all of my secrets with him, he began to bring things up, telling me that I was behaving this way because of that event from the past. He had me questioning everything I had believed to be true.

        It was, of course, gaslighting – I was not the disordered one, but he wanted me to doubt myself so he would have better control over me. I thought that because I didn’t agonize over the past I was somehow damaged beyond all repair, except by him, naturally. Normal people analyze how this pertains to that all day long right? Nope. That was the narc’s particular obsession.

         
  5. Lee

    September 24, 2013 at 6:05 am

    Personally, I don’t do well single. But a good friend of mine has been married and single, likes single better, and intends to stay that way. Different strokes for different folks.

    I’ve been in a bad marriage, and it is hell. Now I’m in a good marriage . . . and yes, it’s a lot of work. My wife and I share a common goal in life that is very specific, and rare in this world. That common goal and the common core values that go with it brought us together, mind and heart. However, we come from quite different cultures, backgrounds, and experiences. Much of the “hard work” is in bridging those more external differences in personality and approach to life. We recently wrote and published a blog post expressing some of our thoughts along these lines by way of a different couple:
    What Makes a Marriage Stick? Pointers from Gloria and Emilio Estefan

    I agree 100% about the futility of thinking your partner is going to change. Been there, done that, got the divorce. If you can’t love someone exactly the way they are on the day you get married, you should not be getting married. Period. Though I do not enjoy being single, after my first marriage ended I planned to live single for the rest of my life. Life had other plans for me. But if being single is your thing, I say, Go for it!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 24, 2013 at 2:26 pm

      I think this quote from your post hits the nail on the head:

      The opposites are on the outer level of personality and expression
      The likenesses are on the inner level of core values, morals, and approach to life

      If your core values are compatible, the rest of the relationship can be made up of compromises that leave everyone if not totally happy, at least not angry or resentful.

      The problem with getting into relationships with disordered people (narcs/socios/psychos) is that they LIE about their core values, tricking their victim into believing that they share the fundamental views that are so important in a healthy relationship. It’s only later that they reveal their true selves and by then it’s too late to get out easily.

      All the rules go out the window if both parties are not being totally honest.

       
      • Lee

        September 24, 2013 at 4:35 pm

        Definitely. It only works if people are honest and self-aware. Narcs are neither. There are other ways to assess a person’s character and values, but nothing is foolproof. And narcs are also fools. πŸ˜‰

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 24, 2013 at 9:43 pm

        I value honesty above pretty much anything else, and I think that’s one reason I was so appealing to my abusers – I told them exactly what I wanted from a relationship and they pretended that they wanted the very same things. It was meant to be! We must be soul mates! I fell for it. Hard.

         
      • Lee

        September 25, 2013 at 10:37 am

        I hear you. Total honesty is a nice idea, but it’s got to be mutual. If one is honest and the other is not, the honest one is just throwing pearls before swine so that they can trample on them.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 25, 2013 at 11:24 am

        Exactly. It hurts even worse when you ask for honesty, behave with honesty and then find out s/he was lying the whole time, while professing total honesty. I just don’t trust people any more.

         
      • Lee

        September 25, 2013 at 10:55 am

        Having said that, in my experience being honest by itself is not enough. My ex-wife thought it was A-OK to have a romantic relationship with someone else while still married to me as long as she told me about it. If someone breaks their vows and violates their partner’s trust, it’s still wrong and destructive even if they’re honest about it. Adultery is adultery whether engaged in secretly or openly.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 25, 2013 at 11:25 am

        Gak! Wow. That must have really hurt. I can’t even imagine.

         
  6. Melanie

    September 24, 2013 at 6:33 am

    You said it! Good lord. Being single is not punishment. It’s not like going from the general population to solitary confinement. I find it to be comfortable and pleasurable, and I’m not just content, I’m happy. Just as they don’t understand my need to be un-paired, I don’t understand their need to be paired.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 24, 2013 at 2:28 pm

      If only we could all agree to disagree and accept that being happy is the end goal, whether you get there single or paired. Gaaaahhhhh! They need to just stop preaching their way (whatever it is) without a thought that maybe their way is not the Only Way.

       
      • Melanie

        September 24, 2013 at 2:44 pm

        That would be nice. Some people want a partner, some people don’t. End of story. If only. The one that makes me say ok and walk away now is when I tell people I’m perfectly content being single and they tell me that’s when “we” always meet Mr Right. oh for crying out loud

         
      • Sofia Leo

        September 24, 2013 at 2:56 pm

        Oh, yes! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard that one! A partner would be great, but so far all I’ve ended up with are assholes who only desire to bleed me dry. Three strikes and I’ve taken my ball home πŸ™‚

         
  7. pixiegirlkc52

    September 24, 2013 at 7:14 am

    I’ve always held to the philosophy that relationships are easy….it’s people who make them difficult.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 24, 2013 at 2:28 pm

      LOL! Good point!

       
    • Lee

      September 25, 2013 at 10:58 am

      Reminds me of a great quote from Linus (of the Peanuts comic strip):

      “I love humanity. It’s people I can’t stand!”

       
      • Sofia Leo

        September 25, 2013 at 11:27 am

        Very well said!

         
  8. Awana

    September 25, 2013 at 2:57 pm

    Marriage is for the very rich or very poor, except the children all turn out to be horrible…the rest of us just get screwed…..pun and no pun intended…

     
  9. Gina

    September 26, 2013 at 6:11 am

    I’ve been married a long time (almost 25 years) and you hit some nails directly on the head. “They are how they are. You either love them and deal with the little things you don’t particularly like”. Some of the things that helped me fall in love now bug the shit out of me (sometimes). I deal with it. I am not close to being perfect. Sometimes, I know, I bug the crap out of him. We hardly fight anymore because we’ve learned to let things roll or pick the important battles, prioritize. It’s easy to argue over stupid, petty stuff. It’s very easy to fight over money stresses and child rearing (raising kids is stressful), but, really, all in all, being married has been easy. We are compatible. We like each others company. Can there still be that same, new, first time you kiss type passion? Sometimes. But I don’t want to be changed and I would never attempt to change him.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      September 26, 2013 at 2:50 pm

      Exactly. Pick your battles and accept what you can’t change. Celebrate your differences. Don’t leap until you know for sure that you’ll be compatible in the long run…

       
  10. Battered Wife Seeking Better Life

    October 1, 2013 at 4:29 pm

    You are right on. I never understood that “a lot of work” thing either. If you truly love someone you love them for all of their amazing qualities and for all of their faults. After all, they have to deal with our greatness and shortcomings as well. But it should never seem like a struggle to make it through a “loving” relationship.

    It’s funny because my ex (My Love) and my husband (my abuser) are very similar minus ALL of the physical, verbal and psychological abuse. Everything I hate about my husband…stories of work, shows he watches, pretty much everything….those similarities I love about me ex. He can go on and on telling me about work and a show he watched and I am giddy because I love to hear his voice.

    Thank you for visiting and liking my blog. I am looking forward to reading through yours.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 2, 2013 at 10:24 am

      Exactly! It’s a huge Red Flag when someone says of their past relationships, “well, she just didn’t want to put in the work to make our relationship really great…” I bought that line for a long time, thinking that he just hadn’t been with someone as fabulous as me and I would change his worldview. Hah!

      I’m all about celebrating our differences, finding the Yin/Yang in a relationship and I’m convinced that it won’t be “work.” Maybe I’ll be alone the rest of my life, but at least I won’t be abused.

       

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