He’s still at it…

04 Aug

The Narc is still trying to woo me via email. I changed my phone number and expect to be getting increasingly distressed notes in the near future until I can shut down the old email address. I assure you that I’m not dwelling on this crap, just posting it here for amusement and educational purposes 🙂

Today’s subject line is “Communication:”

Ok, I understand you want nothing more to do with me. To sad for words.

The garden is beautiful, your hard work has paid off. As you suggested, the front row is filled in with wild flowers (the green house remains fallow). There are two perennial plants that look like Queen Anne’s Lace – they are different but similar.  You explained what they were once.

Your blueberries are big and blue. The comfrey is huge. The mint is the bee’s favorite. Sitting on the porch and watching them is an afternoon delight. Pookie likes that part best.

Killer has moved in – at least two nights, I have seen him in the dark front room, though he runs away like lightning. He’s in the yard a lot since the dogs are gone. Pookie is delighted and scared at the same time.

Are you sure you don’t want your saddle? It seems so much a part of you.

Much love, my lovely woman.

your man, until I die,

[his first name, all lower case]
Sigh. Really? Let’s take it one thing at a time.
Ok, I understand you want nothing more to do with me. To [sic] sad for words.
“You’ve made it clear you won’t respond, but I will keep trying because I haz a sad and need some diversion from my pathetic little life and you’ve always been good for that. Maybe I can make you cry in sympathy…”
The garden is beautiful, your hard work has paid off. As you suggested, the front row is filled in with wild flowers (the green house remains fallow). There are two perennial plants that look like Queen Anne’s Lace – they are different but similar.  You explained what they were once.
“Ignoring all those hours I harangued you about working in the garden, directed your every move, demanded to choose every plant and where to put it and then chastised you for doing it all wrong, I want you to remember all the hours you put in making the garden plot the envy of the neighborhood and regret that you no longer have that kind of space to plant in now. The greenhouse that I built, bitched about and harassed you about paying me back for (including my “sweat equity”) is now empty because you are no longer taking responsibility for it – here’s a little guilt for you. I forgot, yet again, to pull all the carrots and now they are in bloom, again, making me crazy because they are Worthless Weeds and you are not here to clean up this mess. I have to do everything myself and it sucks.”
Your blueberries are big and blue. The comfrey is huge. The mint is the bee’s favorite. Sitting on the porch and watching them is an afternoon delight. Pookie likes that part best.
“The garden you worked so hard on is in full flower and don’t you regret leaving yet? You’re missing out on both weeks of Summer here – even Pookie the cat is enjoying the warmth and dry weather. Aren’t you sorry yet?”
He hated the comfrey and refused to let me brew comfrey tea for fertilizer. He didn’t want me using rabbit poo, either. It’s oregano, not mint. Doesn’t look or smell remotely like mint. And he claims to be a Master Gardener!
Killer has moved in – at least two nights, I have seen him in the dark front room, though he runs away like lightning. He’s in the yard a lot since the dogs are gone. Pookie is delighted and scared at the same time.
“The neighbor’s cat has finally moved into the house at night now that the dog is no longer here and I’m getting pretty pissed being woken up in the middle of the night, thinking there’s an intruder. Pookie is not amused and it’s all your fault for torturing that poor cat yet again. If he pisses in the house I’ll really be mad!”
Are you sure you don’t want your saddle? It seems so much a part of you.
“Even though I made you give up horses and keep your saddle outside in the shed where it got moldy and rusted, I want you to come pick it up so I can beg you to come back. I can make you forget who you were when you met me, just like I did before, and I’ll start by reminding you that you were once a cowgirl. You always liked that about yourself…”
Much love, my lovely woman.your man, until I die,[his first name, all lower case]

This is just complete bullshit. He couldn’t show his love when I was there in front of him begging for it, but now his notes overflow with this shit. He could go on and on for HOURS about how inferior I was, how it would take eight of me to keep him entertained, how ignorant and ugly I was, my hair, clothes, everything just so wrong. Does he think I’ve forgotten the reason I left? Is he high? Is it wrong to think, “yeah, I’ll outlive you, asshole!” ?
Oh, look! A spinning wheel
DSCN0034It was a fantastic weekend, really! Yeah, I know the formatting is all screwed up, but it’s getting late and I have spinning to do…

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39 responses to “He’s still at it…

  1. behindthemaskofabuse

    August 4, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    They should have their own language!

    • untoldstory6

      August 4, 2013 at 11:19 pm

      Lol I agree. They really need it.

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        August 5, 2013 at 8:58 am

        the rest of us could just hear blah blah blah, and they only make sense to each other…lol

      • Sofia Leo

        August 5, 2013 at 9:02 am

        LOL! Have you ever been in the same room with two Narcs? They can’t be friends, especially if one is perceived as being higher on the social ladder than the other. The posturing is hilarious! Like two dogs facing off. It’s absurd.

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        August 5, 2013 at 9:24 am

        Yes! Who needs t.v. for entertainment?!

      • Sofia Leo

        August 5, 2013 at 4:36 pm

        That’s a good way to look at it 🙂

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        August 5, 2013 at 5:03 pm

        Ha just had another thought a reality show “The narcissist House” Oh man…

    • Sofia Leo

      August 5, 2013 at 7:53 am

      They do have their own language – abuse. The actual words change to suit the occasion and the victim. They all read from the same script. Sad, really. They all think they’re so special, but they are all exactly the same.

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        August 5, 2013 at 8:30 am

        It’s so true and you explain them well!

      • Sofia Leo

        August 6, 2013 at 7:36 am

        “The Narcissist House” LOL! Can you imagine the director’s nightmare? A bunch of Divas fighting over everything from number of syllables in their lines to who has the most time on camera? The fights would be spectacular, though 🙂

  2. JackieP

    August 4, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    They don’t give up my friend. Not if there is any way to contact you. So obviously he’s pretty sure you get his emails. I hate for you to go through this, but it’s a part of it I’m afraid. Once you get your emails changed he will find another way, then again, maybe not. Hope not. But they are resourceful . If they would put that much effort into being human they actually might turn out half human. 😉

    • Sofia Leo

      August 5, 2013 at 7:56 am

      I’ve reached “meh” about his emails now. I post them here for (I’ll admit it) amusement and education. I’m getting bored, but he’s still sending some good blog fodder, so what can I do? 🙂

      If he had spent all this energy telling me how amazing I was when I was living with him, and backing that up with actions, we’d still be together because he would be the man I met and fell in love with. That ship, however, has sailed. Off the edge of the world…

      • JackieP

        August 5, 2013 at 9:12 am

        Well if all our narc’s were more then just empty air we would all be happy women. 🙂 Sail on my friend, sail on.

      • Sofia Leo

        August 5, 2013 at 4:36 pm

        If they were more than just empty air, they wouldn’t be Narcs :-/

  3. Jenny

    August 4, 2013 at 10:31 pm

    Yep he’s really pouring on the charm to reel you back in!! Yep next step switch E-mails addresses and be done with the idiot!!! Sheesh wish he would give it a rest and give up!!

    • Sofia Leo

      August 5, 2013 at 7:57 am

      Unfortunately, I have a bunch of financial stuff connected to that address and will need to spend some time switching things over. Sigh. He gets to go on as if nothing happened. I have to turn my life upside down just to function independently of him. It just isn’t fair!

  4. Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey

    August 5, 2013 at 12:14 am

    Great narc decoder that you have, thoroughly enjoyed your post. 🙂

  5. Ann

    August 5, 2013 at 5:09 am

    I’ve been reading here quite a while, and while it’s pretty clear the Narc is/was a complete asshole, you’re the one who made the choice to stay with him. You’re the one who allowed him to set rules, break you down, alienate you from friends family and hobbies. Now you’ve left, which is wonderful, but instead of just moving on, you’re continuing to post about him. Deconstructing his emails is mean-spirited and petty. You’ve taken no responsibility for any part of what was wrong with your relationship, it’s all on him. You didn’t have the excuse of children, like other abused women. You didn’t have the excuse of being financially dependent, like other abused women. Blame him and shit on him all you like, but also know that only a stupid woman puts up with that kind of treatment for a DECADE. I’m sorry, I realize this is a nasty comment, but enough is enough.

    • Sofia Leo

      August 5, 2013 at 7:52 am

      Ann – You obviously haven’t been reading here that long or you would know why I stayed and that I take total responsibility for staying after he became abusive. I understand your point of view. I also suspect that either you have never been in this type of relationship and don’t know what brainwashing goes into it, or you’re in the middle of one right now and trying to justify your own actions.

      I continue to post about him because it’s MY story and it’s not over yet. I post so that others can see they aren’t alone. I post to shed light on these monsters and warn others about them. I post for validation and to keep myself strong to avoid getting involved with another Narc. I post to educate others and break down the stereotype of the “stupid woman who asks to be abused.”

      I post because I was once just like you – outspoken about how only stupid women get involved with abusive men and how only the very dumbest of them stay. Thing is, I was in an abusive relationship at the time. Oh, sure, he didn’t beat me, so it wasn’t really abuse, right?

      My new life is pretty fantastic. I am grateful every day for the blessings that have come my way. I write about that, too, and how my new-found freedom feels, to inspire others who may be in abusive relationships, to show them that there is life after abuse, that they don’t have to stay, they can live fabulous lives outside in the Free World.

      I value the opinions of my readers, but in the end, this is MY blog and you are free to read elsewhere.

      • Fat Bottom Girl

        August 5, 2013 at 11:34 am

        So I guess I must be another one of those “stupid” women too, according to Ann’s definition. Are you sure she isn’t doing your ex?? hahahaha Sounds like she has fallen into his trap of crap!!

      • Sofia Leo

        August 5, 2013 at 4:42 pm

        I know, right? There are three women who know who I am IRL and they all hate the Narc (and have similar stories of abusive relationships,) so I doubt Ann is fucking my ex and commenting here, at least not knowingly. Wouldn’t that be some awesome coincidence? 😮

      • Fat Bottom Girl

        August 6, 2013 at 5:41 am

        I doubt she is, but from the way she talks, it almost sounds like she is caught up in that sick web of deceit so many of us become ensnared in. I find it so interesting when grown people feel the need to comment on things, instead of just not reading!! lol I will happily answer questions from anyone regarding what I’ve written, but like you, won’t suffer more abuse from readers of my blog. 🙂

      • Sofia Leo

        August 6, 2013 at 7:48 am

        The internet gives certain types of people the anonymity to spew their bile left, right and center, and they do it in ways that they never would face-to-face. It’s irritating, to be sure, but she can’t hurt me. I survived a Psycho, a Socio and a Narc – one commenter is not gonna burst my Bubble of Happiness 🙂

      • Fat Bottom Girl

        August 6, 2013 at 9:11 am

        Yeah for you!! 🙂

    • Sex, Spirit, Soul Mates and Chocolate....Ivonne's Journey

      August 5, 2013 at 8:39 pm

      Hi Ann, I think you need to read the book, “Women Who Love Sociopaths” by Sandra L Brown to understand that it is actually many alpha-women that got caught in the trap of the narc. Also FYI, being incolved with a narc is quite different than a normal break-up, really you should school yourself on the subject before making such derogatory comments. And again like Sofia Leo stated, this is her blog she is free to post as she pleases so if you don’t like it you are always free to move on. By the depth of your anger it would seem that this post has somehow triggered you. I can only surmise that a- you have been in an abusive relationship and still blame yourself or b- you are a narc, yourself. Either way get over yourself and get some help and healing because it would appear that you are the one that is not over something.


      • Sofia Leo

        August 6, 2013 at 7:44 am

        You’re right, ivonne, they rarely go for the meek women – breaking down a strong, intelligent woman is so much more satisfying for a Narc! Actually, I’m pretty amazed that I’m not more of an emotional wreck after so many failed relationships. I always told myself, “three strikes and you’re out, Sofia!” and now maybe I just feel liberated because I am resigned to being the Crazy Woman who has no man (or woman) in her life. I live each day like it’s the first day of the rest of my life and I gotta say it’s pretty damned fabulous!

  6. Fat Bottom Girl

    August 5, 2013 at 11:28 am

    Sounds like someone needs to get themselves back on a horse again real soon!! 🙂 I have gotten so angry with myself for letting men just like this manipulate me into thinking I’m not good enough, and everything I like or am interested in is stupid. God, isn’t it such a freakin’ relief when you’re out of that and can be yourself again??

    • Sofia Leo

      August 5, 2013 at 4:39 pm

      It is a huge relief! There are many boarding stables around here and I could probably work out a free lease with someone or take lessons – lots of possibilities to get back on a horse if I decide I can’t stand it any longer 🙂

      And really? Is riding a horse any less absurd than building and sailing wooden boats? Still mad at myself about some of the things I gave up in the Name of Love. Puke!

      • Fat Bottom Girl

        August 6, 2013 at 5:44 am

        I recently had a friend move back to my area, who has horses, and I am looking forward to riding again. I’ve never had my own saddle, or owned a horse, but have been lucky enough to have friends to ride with, and I love it. 🙂

        Should we really have to give up anything in the name of love?? No, we shouldn’t. Love should enhance our lives, not detract from it. Lessons learned, and we move on from here right?? 🙂

      • Sofia Leo

        August 6, 2013 at 7:52 am

        I’ve owned five horses and a pony for my son. Before I moved to the Coast with the Narc I had two horses and tack for both. It was a very sad day to give them up and sell all but a couple of bridles and my western saddle, but it had to be done. I was determined to make my relationship with the Narc work and I thought (silly me!) that giving up my expensive hobby would take some of the stress out of our relationship. I didn’t have a clue what I was really giving up.

        Now that I’m back in Horse Country, I could see myself getting another. Nothing beats a long trail ride on a willing horse. It’s been over four years, though, and my seat bones and hips are not in shape! There’s a lot to be said for riding friends’ horses or taking lessons, too.

        Time enough for that when I get all of the other loose ends of my life tied together 🙂

  7. notyourvictim

    August 5, 2013 at 11:40 am

    To block an address on gmail, you have to set a filter so that all emails from an address go directly to the trash, I had to do it when I cut out my parents. It’s tricky, but can be done. Here’s a step-by-step! ❤

    • Sofia Leo

      August 5, 2013 at 4:42 pm

      Thank you so much for the info!

  8. Jenny

    August 5, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    Excuse me? Did Ann just call all of us that had been abused STUPID? I guess she did not know how controlling and threatening my Narc Husband was and dealt with it for 13 yrs!! I had nightmares for YEARS after I finally got free of him….Ann is clueless what brainwashing techniques these Narcissistic people can do to a person or family and what it takes to break free and rebuild our lives!! I could never put my finger on the problem till I heard Sofia talk about it and now Dr. Phill has written a new book all about these kind of people….they are real and they are dangerous !!

    • Sofia Leo

      August 6, 2013 at 7:46 am

      Yep, she did say we’re all stupid :-/ I hope that she speaks out of ignorance and that she has never had one of these monsters turn HER life on its head. She could use a little empathy, though.

  9. mom

    August 7, 2013 at 6:15 pm

    Remember that your mother needs your new phone number!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  10. Awana

    August 8, 2013 at 2:58 am

    Wow, and I thought I was just going to make fun of “the greenhouse lies fallow”…Hey!! THat will make a great secret spy squirrel code when the pod people come…

    I would like to say in Ann’s defense that I, too, ask Sophia that if she were still blogging AT ALL about her past life and parsing the e-mails; did this mean she was still connected by the very act of game-playing? Was she ever going to let go? Well, she basically told me with NO hesitation the same answer that was mentioned above, and at this point, I will take the risk to believe in her. She is as open in real life as she is in the blog. I could not do this at all, even anon. You guys are great! I think there are just people who are strong enough to go cold turkey and those who are gong to take more time and “shedding”. Oh, well, we all know the deal. And, you can be as smart as you like, but you can’t be smart about everything. You can rationalize yourself into a heck of a mess. There really is no explaining the chemistry and flow of relationships; or why some stay , stay longer, or just let go. What does “smart” mean anyway? Intelligence? Street-savvy? Education? Talent? Skill? Experience? Is she “smart” now as opposed to before? And, will she ever be “dumb” again? Maybe Ann is “male-identified”. Some women hate women so much, they can only identify with male values. Do we need to go all the way back to family dynamics? Who knows what lurks…

    And a little humor goes a long way.

  11. Nyssa

    October 3, 2013 at 10:40 pm

    I’ve been to a lot of different blogs about abuse of various kinds–physical, emotional, spiritual, sexual. And anyone who allows comments, gets one like Ann’s now and then. Some seem to be from people who just don’t “get it,” who have never been abused, the kind of people who drive us to write these blogs in the first place, because they “don’t want to hear it anymore” but we have something to say.

    And some strike me as narcs/abusers themselves, because what they say is very much like what my own narcs said to me after finding my blog about their abuses of me, their children and others. Basically, even though justice has not been done, they expect us to “get over it” and “move on”–and, sometimes, they even tell us it wasn’t really abuse. (“You got whooped by a belt? So what? More kids should get whooped these days!”–and more of that kind of crap.) My narcs ridiculed and blamed me for not being over it by now, then said (because I wrote that they owe me apologies) that they owe me nothing.

    It just seems like narcs supporting each other in their abuses, because if they admitted that it was abuse, they’d have to accept responsibility for it. So no, it has to be the fault of the abuse victim, who they also accuse of “being a victim.” Ann’s calling you stupid, sounds narcissistic.

    This is why I don’t allow comments on my own blog. That, and my own narcs tried to post one which was extremely nasty, invalidating, denying, and threatening. Much like the things they said to my husband and me which caused us to walk away in the first place. I had to cut them off from any avenues of communication (and warn that if they sent me any more such tripe I’d press charges for harassment).

    In other words, don’t take Ann’s comments to heart. It’s just the abuse blog version of trolling.

    • Sofia Leo

      October 4, 2013 at 9:53 am

      Narcs and their ilk are pros at denying responsibility and the more we stay silent, the more their power grows.

      I was not bothered much by Ann’s comment. It was obvious that she hadn’t been reading here long and I didn’t take her words personally. Meh. Whatever. The point of view of the opposition. It has become very clear that there are legions of those like me whose lives have been ruined by Narcs/Socios/Psychos. I know I’m not alone. I know I can’t remain silent any longer. I don’t tolerate abusive behavior in my life any more and never will again – I’ve learned the lesson that the more you feed them Ego Kibbles the more you suffer.

      If you think about it, Narcs are the men in power all over the world. (Yes, I left out women because how many women are in positions of power in the world? Can you think of one? Me, neither.) They have banded together to keep everyone else subjugated (witness the current “shutdown” of government in the US) and the richest, whitest of those men hold the positions of highest power. It’s not a mistake. It’s not Natural Selection. It’s a very deliberate campaign that has been going on since Man first realized that humans come in different shades of color.

      But I won’t rant about the Patriarchy today 🙂


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