The Narc and Male Friends

25 Jul

To continue the series of The Narc And…we have a suggestion from Twindaddy

Then tell me about having male friends…

Simple answer: I was not allowed to have friends, male friends in particular. I blogged about the Facebook Incident, the Camping Incident and the Phone Call, all prime examples of the Narc’s opinion about what I was allowed to say to men and how I was allowed to act around them.

What I haven’t related are the daily questions and demands for information that he subjected me to. I work in a male dominated industry (engineering) where the majority of my co-workers are male. Sometimes the person who answers the phones is female, but the people I work the most with are male. This was a problem for the Narc from the beginning.

I quickly learned not to talk about my co-workers at home. One of the men I worked with was going through a horrible divorce and being kept away from his kids, which made the whole atmosphere in the office oppressive and gloomy. I mentioned to the Narc how hard it must be for said dude to be going through that kind of ordeal and still have to show up at work every day. The Narc accused me of sleeping with the soon-to-be-divorced co-worker. I was chastised for expressing my sympathy for him and told in no uncertain terms how inappropriate my behavior was. Bear in mind, it was just a few offhand comments over the course of a week or so, what any Normal Person might say about a person they like who was going through a rough time.

The Narc demanded my presence at Events showcasing his interests (mostly events attended by wooden boat builders) where I was to play the Perfect Hostess. My performance was later critiqued. If the Narc felt that I spent too much time talking to/listening to another man, he would accuse me of making a pass at that man. If I laughed at something another man said loud enough for the Narc to hear, he accused me of flirting and lectured me about how inappropriate my behavior was. He would demand that I recreate the conversation for his analysis because I was too stupid to know if a man was making a pass at me, and that was the only reason a man would even bother to talk to me – he was looking to get lucky. No man would ever listen to anything I had to say because I was too stupid and ignorant to be interesting.

I was allowed to talk to both members of a couple, so long as I included the Narc in the conversation in some way. I was allowed to talk with women, but not Over There and I could not outwardly show that I was enjoying myself. If I spent any time with any single woman the Narc would ask me if I was attracted to her. If I planned to go somewhere with or meet at an Event with another woman I was questioned about my feelings for her, whether I was contemplating a relationship with her. He would say things like, “you two sound just like a couple!” when I would tell him my plans for meeting with a friend for lunch, an Event, whatever.

When I worked at the ice cream shop he questioned me about the customers, which ones were regulars, who flirted with me, etc. I just stopped talking about work at all. When a young man was hired the Narc just about went through the roof! Only my explaining that he and I would not be working together calmed the Narc down. He accused me of sleeping with The Boss, or wanting to, of planning an affair, blah, blah, blah. If I was able to repeat a conversation with another man he accused me of wanting to sleep with him, but at the same time he wanted to know everything that was said so he could analyze it for his future lectures.

I learned to just smile vacantly and answer with monosyllables whenever the Narc and I were in public. I agreed with whatever he said, supported him when he gave me my cues, basically danced on the end of the leash he kept tightly in his fist. I did it to avoid The Ride Home Lecture. I did it to avoid accusations. I did it so he wouldn’t tell me (again and again and again) how ignorant/stupid/naive I was.

The Narc, OTOH, had his own set of rules. He was allowed to flirt with any woman he took a liking to. He was allowed to comment on how much he appreciated whatever trait about them he approved of. He was allowed to expound upon their virtues and compare me unfavorably to them whenever he wanted to. I was not allowed to contradict him or express hurt feelings. I was not allowed to say I thought he “stepped over the line.” About anything.

At Events the Narc would walk away from me, expecting me to follow in his wake, notebook in hand, listening to his conversations and taking notes and pictures for his blog posts. I was expected to photograph anything of interest to him, even though he refused to tell me what about a particular boat he wanted to post about. My photos were later critiqued and mostly rejected in favor of his own.

Basically, if a person had a penis I was to avoid all contact. Except for his, of course, that penis I was supposed to worship…


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22 responses to “The Narc and Male Friends

  1. lookingforward2012

    July 25, 2013 at 11:08 am

    Oh man. This was the same thing that happened to me. No male friends unless they were gay. No female friends unless they came to visit me at our house while he was there. My best friend of 30 years, I wasn’t allowed to go spend the night at her house (she lived a few hours away) unless I wanted to be quizzed for hours upon my return about if I’d had sex with her or not. He wanted to know if she and I had gone out drinking and had sex with other men. If either of us had brought men home…He’d say “You can tell me. I won’t be mad.” Or “I called your friend before you got home, I know everything.” As if there was something to know.
    Exhausting. I, too, learned not to talk about work. Or people I used to know. Or people I’d meet. It was just too much work.
    I’m so glad we’re both away from that crazy now!

    • Sofia Leo

      July 25, 2013 at 2:40 pm

      It makes me so sad every time someone tells me that they can relate to one of my posts. I’m glad you’re away from that insanity, too – long may we prosper!

      The projection these monsters practice is truly horrible. You’re right, the energy required to justify our actions becomes too much after awhile and we shut down completely out of self defense. It’s no way to live…

  2. twindaddy

    July 25, 2013 at 11:31 am

    A lot of this is eerily familiar. Female friends were a problem in BOTH of my marriages. Women wanted me and I just didn’t know it. I’m naive so I didn’t recognize the attraction. Whatever. The truth is I’m completely surprised when a woman says she’s attracted to me. I just don’t think that highly of myself and that constant barrage of accusations and jealousy was laughable to me. I just didn’t understand why they were worried.

    • Sofia Leo

      July 25, 2013 at 2:43 pm

      I know, right? Like all of a sudden we’re too stupid to know when someone is making a pass at us? Or not. Makes me want to scream! They worry because they are afraid that someone will find us attractive and take away their cake. Sad, really, when those of us who have been there would never dream of cheating. You’re in a better place, my friend, and you are too humble by far 🙂

      • twindaddy

        July 25, 2013 at 2:44 pm

        No, not really….

      • Sofia Leo

        July 25, 2013 at 3:04 pm

        Yeah, really. It won’t always be so dark, and you are too humble 🙂

  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    July 25, 2013 at 12:11 pm

    You just wrote about my father. Frig these monsters never cease to make me angry if I think too much about it! I’m so glad you’re free of him and living you life now to the fullest! The best revenge. You are surviving and thriving. xo

    • Sofia Leo

      July 25, 2013 at 2:44 pm

      We are all lucky to have survived those monsters with our sanity (mostly) intact. Every day is a victory 🙂

  4. carlisdm

    July 25, 2013 at 12:15 pm

    Gosh, you are so lucky now to have gotten rid of him. I´ve just realized that I shouldn´t complain anymore for being a loner, better to be alone than to have to deal with this ordeal. Good for you that you have gone past this and now you are able to talk and let people know about these type of guys, educate many women out there who are probably in these sort of relationships. All those guys are like these because deeply they are so insecure about themselves and it´s because they are not worth a penny…
    Great post!

    • Sofia Leo

      July 25, 2013 at 2:51 pm

      Alone is soooooo much better, you just can’t even imagine! So many wasted years, gone forever. I’ve got a lot of time to make up for!

      I really have a problem with explaining away monstrous behavior with “they’re just so insecure, they really hate themselves and that’s why they lash out.” Bullshit! As adults, we have Free Will and can choose how we treat people. Those around us will quickly let us know when we’ve stepped over the line, and if we are at all self aware we will see that we have a problem and seek help.

      We never have the right to torture another person. Never. I had a shitty childhood. So did many people. I choose to be kind to others and help when and where I can. I do not choose to torture another person to make myself feel better by making them feel like shit and I refuse to accept past pain as an excuse to lash out today. The Narc often said things like, “it’s just that I hurt so much I lash out like a wounded animal!” at the end and I refused to buy it – he could treat me well when he wanted to – he chose to be a dick. Nuh-uh. That shit don’t fly for me anymore.

  5. JackieP

    July 25, 2013 at 1:29 pm

    My ex was the same, I was allowed no friends. No male friends and any female friends I did have quickly disappeared because he would want to sleep with them. My one best friend who I hid at her house for a few weeks after I walked out on my ex, told me he always hit on her to sleep with him. He even hit on my sister when she came for a visit. So yeah, I can relate. I was the one (according to him) that no one else wanted because I was fat, ugly, stupid, etc. So glad I’m away from that and so glad you are away from yours.

    • Sofia Leo

      July 25, 2013 at 2:56 pm

      Friends, especially girlfriends, are all too likely to point out his douche behavior and convince you to do something about it, so they are a risk. Private conversations are a risk for the abuser. He needs you to be isolated, scared and insecure in order to torture you some more. By making a pass at your female friends he assured that they wouldn’t come around (unless they succumbed to his charms, in which case, free pussy!) and they would be too embarrassed to tell you about it, so win-win for him!

      We made it through that fire, thank all that’s holy!

  6. Laura

    July 25, 2013 at 2:19 pm

    This post, and the posts you linked to, bring up so many memories for me. Some I’d even forgotten about. It seems somewhat trite to just say: “wow, I so get this,” but I do. Mine wasn’t quite as thorough as yours, I didn’t have to recount entire conversations, but there are many similarities too. Particularly the double standard. I couldn’t have male friends, but he could have a ton of female friends. I was ultimately accused of cheating with a dear friend’s husband because he and I liked to talk to each other at group functions. #*@%!?!? Shaking my head… I am so glad you are free of this. Life is too short to live in this kind of emotional prison.

    • Sofia Leo

      July 25, 2013 at 2:58 pm

      I’m so sorry that you get this, but happy that you’re free now.

      The Narc was so good at making me forget the bad stuff, which is one reason I started this blog – he wanted me to believe I was crazy, but I knew differently. I refuse to forget, but I will continue to let the anger go and move on with my life. He can’t hurt me now.

      • Laura

        July 26, 2013 at 9:04 am

        Ok, I hate to be so annoying with the constant “me too” crap, but seriously… ME TOO!! That is a big part of why I started my blog. I was in a fog of confusion and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it (manipulative abuse is so dang tricky to pinpoint). I would write it out and it would help me to focus. Then later, sometimes even months or years later, I would be so glad I did because I had forgotten the entire incident. Life was constant emotional chaos with him, it seemed, and it was hard to focus on understanding what happened in the past, because I was too busy trying to cope and deal with the present. Also, life with my narc was a total mindf**k, so the blog helped me step back and gain perspective. Granted, I don’t want to remember these things for the purposes of holding a grudge or being angry, or anything like that; I see it more as a learning tool. What issues within me drew me into such a relationship and caused me to stay there? What red flags did I miss? How do I plan to move forward in the future? The blog has helped.

  7. Lynette d'Arty-Cross

    July 25, 2013 at 3:12 pm

    What is it with these people and wooden boats?? My ex-narc was into them as well. He also accused me of having affairs and hated it if I talked to a man. As you said, “he had his own set of [double standard] rules.” Excellent post! 🙂

  8. Melanie

    July 26, 2013 at 11:22 am

    Most of time when Donkey moved us it was led by me getting too close to the neighbors. Friends were out of the question. After about a year of playdates with other moms and kids in the neighborhood, he couldn’t stand it and moved us. I can count how many times I went out with friends without him and the number of times I came home to pure hell is exactly the same. I am so glad we are out out out.

  9. El Guapo

    July 26, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    Somtimes I’m embarrased to be a guy.


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