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Is this really my life?

20 Jun

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments on my last post – you confirmed what I already knew and my decision has been made. But first, let me describe to you my Wednesday.

I got up, walked the dog and went to work. I was invited to join The Guys for lunch today – a “time to talk outside the office,” I was told. I accepted without a thought because my lunch time is my own and I won’t have to explain to anyone where/why/what was said. There is no Narc to report back to. I will not be grilled about it for hours later tonight and I can say whatever I want without first running it through the Narc Filter for approval.

After work I went over to a friend’s house where I shared a meal with her, her husband, three kids and one of their friends who was spending the night. We talked, we laughed, we played fiddles! At no time did I feel the need to censor myself (no cuss words while the kids were at table, but that goes without saying, right?) or embarrass myself backpedaling because the Narc would hear about something I said and chastise me later. I did not worry about the time or what I would have to do to “make it up to” the Narc when I got home. I felt at home and at ease. These people are easy to like, very casual and their home is open to everyone who stops by. I felt truly blessed to be a part of so simple a thing as an evening meal and some (not at all good) music. She’s learning the fiddle, I haven’t practiced in weeks, we don’t know any of the same songs, but we had fun and stopped before her husband’s ears started to bleed 🙂

Sabu and I headed back to Towanda where I returned a missed call to Awana. We talked and laughed for over an hour and it was wonderful! I didn’t have to lower my voice for fear the Narc was listening and would question me later. I did not censor myself in any way and it felt like a subversive act.

For those of you who have never been in an abusive relationship, this sounds crazy, right? I mean, I’m 44 years old and I can’t have dinner with friends? Can’t have a phone conversation without thinking about every word? Come on! This is 2013, not 1513, right?

Last year about this time I wrote a post about gifts and their consequences. I am very happy to say that only a year later my life is so much better. I’m having trouble believing it’s real.

Today I blocked the Narc from my e-mail account. I can’t block his calls to my cell phone because my carrier (StraightTalk) does not offer that service, so I set “his” ringtone to “none.” He is blocked from my FB account. I took him off the live feed of my other blogs (he was only on there because he insisted he had be) and will block his IP address ASAP. He does not know about this blog, nor do any people that we both know.

It means leaving the rabbits behind, and I truly regret that, but in the end it’s them or me. He will give them away (if he hasn’t already) or take care of them (he’s perfectly capable and it would give him something to bitch to other people about) and they will live out their lives just fine. I will not be paying his cell phone bill on Sunday – he can figure out that he’s out of time, or not, for himself. I already told him months ago that he is welcome to use, sell or give away any of the things I left behind. There are a few things I would have liked to save, but I’m over it now.

I am done. Really. Finally. I don’t owe him any explanations or discussion. I owe him nothing. He showed me just how evil a person can be and that’s a hard lesson I did not learn quickly. He gave me the impetus to start a journey of self discovery that I am truly relishing. His abuse got me off my ass and moving forward. Because he abused me in so many ways, my natural empathy has been re-awakened and I hope to be able to do some good in this world for those who suffer as I suffered. He taught me that every kind thing I did for him would be turned against me. He showed me how a person can lie and lie and lie and not feel a thing.

I have officially gone No Contact.

So, that’s that. I don’t know how much more I’ll write about him and our relationship here. When does it become “beating a dead horse?”

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49 responses to “Is this really my life?

  1. maria5125

    June 20, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    Good for you!!! Good luck with your life, your own life, to do with exactly what you want!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 20, 2013 at 6:21 pm

      Thank you for the good wishes. It feels like a dream today, but I am relieved to have taken a stand.

       
  2. Jenny

    June 20, 2013 at 4:38 pm

    Congrats….you have FINALLY crossed over the threshold into you new life, you have severed that tie. Welcome to the real world where you will be able to have a fun happy life again you deserve it!!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 20, 2013 at 6:20 pm

      Thanks! I find myself thinking about buying a truck and taking some time to do some traveling, provided this Summer goes well financially. Maybe our paths will cross 🙂

       
  3. Debra Helmer

    June 20, 2013 at 4:40 pm

    Love your writing! What are your other blogs? Thanks!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 20, 2013 at 6:19 pm

      I write here under a pen name, Debra, and I don’t think my two lives should cross at this point.

       
  4. JackieP

    June 20, 2013 at 5:05 pm

    Yea!!! congrats lady. You could turn this blog into Life after Narc. You help a lot of people going through what you did, or wanting to get out. You are their spark of hope. You are there to show it can be done in a gracious manner. Slowly this blog could be a place that abused people feel safe in saying what they want about narcs. You have all ready started that. You are a light in their darkness. Or you could just close it down and start a new one. See? It’s up to YOU. Isn’t it great? hugs!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 20, 2013 at 6:19 pm

      Very true – I could rename this blog, couldn’t I? I could also just change the subject matter – I have a lot to say on many subjects 🙂

       
      • JackieP

        June 20, 2013 at 9:22 pm

        I’m sure you do and it’s about time you said it. 🙂

         
  5. behindthemaskofabuse

    June 20, 2013 at 6:55 pm

    woooowhooooo!!!! freedom!! I’m so excited for you!!

    I could so relate to the first half of your post. The father would do what your ex did, chastise us, including the mother later, there was never a time when we didn’t do something wrong in his eyes. Hours of lectures…ugh
    Add in we didn’t dare keep anything from him or think for ourselves.

    Did I say woooowhoooo!!! Freedom??!!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 21, 2013 at 8:22 am

      I wish there was a way to make people who have not lived with these assholes understand what we had to endure. The worst part was being frozen with indecision – I am a very decisive person, but the Narc turned me into a puddle of mush over the tiniest little thing, unable to do anything without his approval first. I hate that the most out of all the things he did to me, taking away my confidence.

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        June 21, 2013 at 10:28 am

        Me too! I totally understand, I didn’t begin to learn how to think for myself, and know that it was okay to have an opinion that might even be good until I was in my 30’s. They strip us of everything, and no one can see it, it’s not physically visible. That sucks too. It sounds like you’re taking your confidence back!!

         
      • Sofia Leo

        June 23, 2013 at 9:29 am

        I am! And I’m determined to keep it forever!

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        June 23, 2013 at 11:04 am

        i believe you will! xo

         
  6. Bethany

    June 20, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    I am in tears!! I can hardly see the words on the page because I am crying so hard! I am so happy and so proud and I LOVE you so much!!! I have seen you grow and I have read all about your ups and downs and I am so glad you have come so far. This has been a long year for both of us but together we have made BIG progress and it is wonderful to share this journey with you 🙂

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 21, 2013 at 8:23 am

      Aw…Don’t cry, dear! This is a time for joyful dancing and the drinking of adult beverages 🙂 Thank you so much for being here with me. The rest of 2013 is sure to be even better, for both of us!

       
  7. anewfreelife

    June 20, 2013 at 9:06 pm

    Hallelujah! Bethany already said EVERYTHING I am feeling right now! So, I don’t even know what to say but feel that I must say something. I am just absolutely overjoyed! There have been so many times that I’ve hated my life post abuse and truly wondered if I’m any better off, but you always, always, always make me laugh and say to myself, “Yes, indeed, my life is 100% better.” Thank you so much for sharing your journey and letting us be a part of it. You’ve certainly helped me on mine! ❤

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 21, 2013 at 8:31 am

      Living in a cardboard box under a very wet bridge surrounded by other homeless, tortured souls would be better than one more hour in the presence of that man! You and I are so much better than those assholes. Never for a second believe that you don’t deserve a happy life! We deserve better and we will get it! Thank you for coming along on my bumpy ride.

       
      • anewfreelife

        June 22, 2013 at 3:29 pm

        Oh, yeah! Thank you! I had to talk to my ex-asshole quite a bit this weekend. The cardboard box would be so preferable to ever going back there again!

        Yes, we will get it, now that we’re free! I can’t wait to see where we’ll be a year from now. So wish that you were here—we could raise a glass and toast to our bright and wonderful futures!

         
      • Sofia Leo

        June 23, 2013 at 10:02 am

        Let’s plan to meet up this Summer – I have weekends off…

         
  8. Lee

    June 21, 2013 at 2:06 am

    Congratulations! Enjoy your new life!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 21, 2013 at 8:32 am

      Thank you! I plan on having a wonderful Summer 🙂

       
  9. Melanie

    June 21, 2013 at 7:19 am

    When does it become “beating a dead horse?” I’ve asked that same question. I’ve certainly slowed down on what stories I recall from my time with Donkey, but when a story surfaces and I shake the memory best when I write it out. I feel as long as I really am letting go, and not repeating my anger and frustration over and over at the same thing, then it doesn’t reach beating a dead horse, for me.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 21, 2013 at 8:33 am

      Writing helps immensely. If I hadn’t started this blog I would probably still be there with him. If I didn’t have so many loyal, truthful readers who gently steered me away from the path back to him, I might not be free today and I thank you all!

       
      • Melanie

        June 21, 2013 at 8:52 am

        I too am better and stronger, and emotionally farther away from him, for the support I’ve felt since I started writing.

         
  10. Janine

    June 21, 2013 at 8:53 am

    What a wonderful blog post to read! I am so happy for you 🙂

     
  11. El Guapo

    June 21, 2013 at 9:49 am

    *Stands and applauds*

    It isn’t beating a dead horse if you still need to go through it to examine and work it out of your system. I’m looking forward to the day when you shut this one down and just write on towanda because the Narc is nothing but a memory and a cautionary tale.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 23, 2013 at 9:28 am

      Yes, let me be a bad example…er…learn from my mistakes 🙂 There is still much to say, but the subject matter is getting old, at least for me. A few more posts and then I’ll start talking about something else, promise!

       
  12. goldfish

    June 21, 2013 at 1:27 pm

    Yay! You’re finally feeling free! I’m so proud of you.

     
  13. Jenny

    June 21, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    True people who have never been mentally & emotionally abused can’t fathom what we have gone through. I have to stop and relook at my life as it is NOW- peaceful with people in it ( on the most part) loving and friendly and not trying to tear me down and make me look like I am something that nobody wants. My current hubby tells me over and over to stop beating that dead horse of “what if’s” and realize the people that hurt me are NEVER going to say they were sorry because they ARE Narcs and Narcs never think they were the ones to blame. I have to know I am at peace now and to lock the past in the past and leave it there!! There is so much joy when we realize there are nice people out there that DO care about us and we realize our true worth and feel good about ourselves again . When we find happiness again it is such sweet revenge.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 23, 2013 at 10:00 am

      On the one hand, we want them to understand the hell we went through, but on the other, we pray that they never do. A Catch-22 if ever there was one.

       
  14. notyourvictim

    June 21, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Standing ovation!!!!

     
  15. Jenny

    June 21, 2013 at 10:38 pm

    Sofia you are a great gal, through you I learned alot about myself and the “?” in my life. Thanks for explaining what a Narc was, I never knew there was a true word for these horrible kind of people. Between you & Dr. Phil I have my eyes wide open on how to deal or not deal with these kind of people so I thank-You so much!! I am so happy for you now!!!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 23, 2013 at 10:01 am

      The sad thing is that they are everywhere, ruining lives left, right and center, and there’s not a whole lot we can do about it.

       
  16. Awana

    June 22, 2013 at 12:44 am

    “Happy, Happy, happy; not, crappy, crappy, crappy”! I read this blog three times. I hope the horse is dead, and out of the race….onwards to Towanda!!!!

     
  17. Laura

    June 25, 2013 at 2:43 pm

    I stumbled across your blog, I can’t even remember how now, but I’ve been reading for a couple of weeks. Oh my goodness I can totally relate to this post in so many ways. I remember after I left my ex it felt like that scene out of the Wizard of Oz where everything goes from black and white to Technicolor. How sweet it is to be on the vibrant and colorful side of life now. I’ve been out for a year, and while I try not to “beat a dead horse” on my blog, I do still feel a need to get some of it out every now and again. It still helps. I think of it as exorcising old ghosts. I don’t think you should worry about your content, if writing about it helps you heal then “beat that dead horse”.

    Also the gifts with consequences thing…wow…that one hit me too. It’s funny how I’m finding that now that I am out, I wasn’t as alone as I thought I was back then. Thank you for that. Thank you for telling your story (I see some similarities that have me going “holy cow it wasn’t just me!”). You are helping people more than you realize. Good for you for getting out.

    Welcome to Technicolor. 🙂

     
    • Sofia Leo

      June 25, 2013 at 4:17 pm

      You give the perfect analogy – Technicolor is a perfect description! Where is your blog?

      They isolate us first, make us think no one would ever believe our stories, and the reality is that there are hundreds of us nearby. Just think of the things we could do if we banded together? The bodies would start to pile up in no time 🙂

       
      • Laura

        June 25, 2013 at 6:12 pm

        I’m not a great writer by any means, and sometimes my posts even annoy me, but for what it’s worth: http://www.got-no-clue.blogspot.com

        I’ve had a long journey from ignorant/judgmental/a-hole (I hate my beginning posts) to someone a bit closer to who I’d like to be, and I will totally own that I am still (and always will be) a work in progress. So read it with fair warning and take it with a grain of salt.

        On the upside, I do think hard times can polish the rough edges in our personalities and give us some valuable lessons and insights about what is actually important in life. I don’t regret my marriage because it ended up teaching me a lot about myself and who I want to be. Also, it’s hard to regret anything that lead me to Technicolor and true love, which I’ve since found and which I appreciate even more because of my past experiences 🙂

        Have a Technicolor evening 🙂

         
      • Sofia Leo

        June 25, 2013 at 8:07 pm

        We are all works in progress! Half the battle is in just knowing that simple fact 🙂 I regret the years I wasted on those losers, not the lessons learned…

         
  18. Nyssa

    September 30, 2013 at 10:56 pm

    I often wonder the same thing, so it’s helpful to read the comments here. I can apply them to my own blog. See? While you worry about beating dead horses, others are being helped! 🙂

     
    • Sofia Leo

      October 1, 2013 at 8:29 am

      LOL! You have a point. I think my focus needs to change just a bit. I plan to spend November writing my story in book form with the other crazies at NaNoWriMo. Once that’s out of my system I’ll decide the next step.

       
  19. Annie Chace

    April 14, 2014 at 12:41 pm

    Reblogged this on Parrots, Prose, and Poetry.

     
  20. Annie Chace

    April 14, 2014 at 12:43 pm

    No contact is a beautiful thing. Enjoy the peace and quiet!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      April 15, 2014 at 11:21 am

      Thanks for the reblog! I have been enjoying my peace. It will be one year NC on June 20 🙂

       

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