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Sometimes a rabbit is more than just a rabbit

21 May

I had a very vivid dream last night. In color. It was horrific on the one hand, but very enlightening.

I was with Mom and we were in a large kitchen getting ready to cook Snowball for dinner. Snowball was not dead. I had shaved off all her hair and she was pretty pitiful looking. I basted her and put her in a roasting pot and into the oven she went.

After five hours, we took the pan out of the oven, but the rabbit was still not dead. She was wet and cowering in the bottom of the pan, silent but trembling, but still very much alive.

“You’re going to have to finish it off,” Mom declared. “It’s the only way it will ever be cooked.”

I started crying. “I know, but I didn’t want to be the one who had to do it. I feel like such a failure.”

“You have to do it or it will never be over,” she told me.

I grabbed Snowball’s head, gave a savage sideways yank and broke her neck. It was easy. I heard the snap and felt her go limp. I was relieved that it was over.

I awoke in that moment with the very clear message that the rabbit was the remains of my relationship with M and that I would have to be the one to break the neck of his illusions that we have anything left to save. Short, sweet, brutal. There’s no other way.

He sent an e-mail yesterday saying that the rabbits are almost out of food. I wrote back (very business-like) that I would bring food on Thursday. I don’t know if he will be there or not.

I hope I have the words to tell him that I’m done. That our relationship is over for good and he needs to let me go. If our next conversation goes anything like the last no mention will be made about how I feel – it will be about him and I don’t even need to be present while he drones on and on.

One thing sticks in my mind about the last time we talked – he told me that he doesn’t even remember most of the things I say he did to hurt me. I am red with rage over that one. How fucking convenient for him! If he “can’t remember” and I can’t forget, who is the bitch keeping anger alive? I totally come off as the villain in that story, don’t I? I can hear his Pity Party to everyone he knows about how I am so stuck in the past that I can’t forgive him for things that he’s not even sure happened. And on and on.

I can’t afford to care what lies he will spread about me, if he hasn’t already started his Smear Campaign. I have a life to live and it does not involve Narcs and their bullshit!

Asshole.

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25 responses to “Sometimes a rabbit is more than just a rabbit

  1. Becki Duckworth

    May 21, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    Don’t you just love the selective memory of Narcs? That jerk remembers, but telling you he remembers means he has to potentially deal with a “wrong , just maybe” in his perfect Narc head. Instead of cooking the rabbit , cook his goose and good riddance to him.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      May 21, 2013 at 7:48 pm

      The “faulty” memory is one of the most damaging tactics a Narc uses and he is a master. I hate that he was able to keep me down for so long, questioning my own sanity, when all along it was a game he was playing. I’m not buying it any more!

       
  2. El Guapo

    May 21, 2013 at 1:06 pm

    I think it’s even more important for you to let him go.
    You’ve gotten back your freeom and recovered your sense of self.
    He’s just dead weight tying you to your old life, which seems better left behind.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      May 21, 2013 at 7:49 pm

      Dead weight is right. In just 10 short days I will be far away, where he can’t get to me, building a new life, my way 🙂 I can’t wait to leave him in my dust!

       
  3. brokenbutstronger

    May 21, 2013 at 1:23 pm

    I get accused of not being able to let it go too. Why should we? Really?

     
    • Sofia Leo

      May 21, 2013 at 7:52 pm

      Every day we hear so much about “forgiveness,” but the popular definition of forgiveness is a bunch of bullshit that I am tired of hearing. Why should I “forgive” someone who has hurt me, over and over? I much prefer “letting go” which means that I will no longer let that person hurt me. I am taking my own power back and what others think about my actions is none of my business and I won’t try to make it otherwise. I will never forget and I will never absolve them of their crimes against me. Not a single one of them has shown any remorse or repentance, so why should I salve their conscience (as if they have one!) with words of “forgiveness?”

       
      • Janine

        May 22, 2013 at 9:21 am

        I have a tough time with forgiveness too. I have been able to forgive myself for not seeing it sooner, for believing the lie and maybe keeping the blinders on to help the illusion continue. But him? Not a chance in hell. Good luck to you in finding the words.

         
      • brokenbutstronger

        May 28, 2013 at 5:10 pm

        amen

         
  4. JackieP

    May 21, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    It doesn’t matter what he thinks. It doesn’t matter if he conveniently forgets things he has said. It doesn’t matter what he thinks or says to other people. HE doesn’t matter. Only you do now. Let it go. Let him go. And if you have to….let the rabbits go. Now is your time. Now is the time for your feelings, wants, needs. NOT HIS. It will never be his time again. The sooner he knows this and the sooner you break off contact the better for YOU.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      May 21, 2013 at 8:00 pm

      You’re right, but I seem stuck caring what he thinks about what I do. I haven’t shared anything with him, but there’s still that fear of disapproval that I haven’t quite been able to shake. It’s time to let him (and my dreams of Happily Ever After) go for good. I am so thankful to all of you for being here to keep my head on straight 🙂

       
      • JackieP

        May 21, 2013 at 9:53 pm

        That’s what friends are for 🙂

         
  5. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 21, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    I’m guessing he won’t even hear you say it’s over for good. Is it worth it to say anything to him? Your best bet is to cut off all contact. He knows how to buy rabbit food, he’s using those rabbits to keep you coming back. Sorry this is kind of blunt.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      May 21, 2013 at 8:03 pm

      Blunt is sometimes the best method. I will buy rabbit food and deliver it. I will not engage in what he calls “conversation.” This is a business relationship now – he cares for the rabbits and I pay his cell phone bill. The rabbits are 197 years old and not likely to last much longer. I will talk to a friend about taking them and if she’s interested, that will be that. If she’s not I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it. I have to quit making it personal. After all, he only ever wanted to suck me dry – there was never anything between us but an illusion that I desperately wanted to believe in.

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        May 21, 2013 at 9:57 pm

        Awesome, you know I just care about you.

        Wow 197? I never knew rabbits could live that long

         
      • Sofia Leo

        May 22, 2013 at 8:52 pm

        Well, they’re not really that old, but they are ancient in Rabbit Years…

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        May 22, 2013 at 10:06 pm

        i learned something new 😀

         
  6. Melanie

    May 21, 2013 at 4:45 pm

    It’s time. Plain and simple. Block all ways he has to get to you. Ask forgiveness for walking away from the rabbits. Walk away. Their lives are on his conscious.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      May 21, 2013 at 8:03 pm

      Despite what I say, that is likely the path I will take. I feel bad leaving them with him, but on the other hand, they were never anything but a stick to beat me with.

       
      • Melanie

        May 22, 2013 at 5:00 am

        It won’t be easy, this I know, but he is using them to get you in his sight and within earshot of his pity parties. There is nothing he calls you for expect the rabbits and sex, both of which he can take care of himself.

         
  7. Not Quite Alice

    May 22, 2013 at 6:06 pm

    You can do it and you will feel so much better. I’m happy for you!

     
  8. positivagirl

    May 24, 2013 at 6:12 am

    Hey Sofia – a clear out will be good. I love dream interpretation. This is my favourite site (have used it for years)

    http://www.dreammoods.com/

     
    • positivagirl

      May 24, 2013 at 6:23 am

      The last paragraph was interesting what you wrote – as cooking in that link I sent for dreams means!!…

      Cooking
      To dream that you are cooking signifies your desire to influence others in such a way so that they will like you or become dependent on you. Alternatively, it represents your nurturing side. You want to be loved.

       
  9. Awana

    May 26, 2013 at 2:06 am

    WE all want desperately to believe; that’s the sad part. Just too nice. Being loved? Overrated. It doesn’t pay the bills or plan for your future. Only you can do that. Time will heal the wound of the rabbits left behind. You need a BIG life!

     
  10. Bee

    June 13, 2013 at 7:19 pm

    Yes very true, I know the feeling well. I quite often what he was saying about me, but then I came to the point, “I don’t really care anymore”I am just glad I am out and living now.

     
  11. Nyssa

    September 30, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    Yeah, I’ve gotten that one, too. “We forgot all about what happened” and “it’s been enough time” from the narcs, so that rather than apologize, they claimed innocence and called me crazy. It’s an evasion of responsibility for their own actions. “I can treat you however I like, and you just have to get over it and forget it, because it’s YOUR problem, not mine.” Just another narc tactic that you have to see for what it is, or it really will drive you crazy.

     

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