This is scary!

15 May

After the post the other day, I’ve been thinking a lot about my reactions to M and what I should be doing about it. I’ve been away from him for long enough that I should be in a better place.

I follow many blogs, including Baggage Reclaim, and today Natalie put up a post that hits me directly between the eyes – Sometimes a discussion doesn’t cut it.

Yep. That’s it in a nutshell. I especially like her list of what “discussion” (instead of flushing) means”

Discussing says:

  • I’ve personalized your actions and so I want to discuss this so I can find out what I did wrong.
  • Let’s negotiate.
  • I wanna fix you.
  • I’m used to toxic atmospheres. You pulling this rinky-dink bullshit on me feels like home. We now need to have this discussion so I can go through my drama cycle, get some validation and lather , rinse, repeat.
  • I want you to explain this to me and make me feel better about it so that I can go back to deluding myself about you.
  • I’m still in this.
  • I’m not going to take decisive action.
  • I’m teeeeeeeeelllllllllling you…. I’m not going…. You’re the best thing I’ve ever known…. And you, and you, and you, you’re gonna love meeeeeeeee.

OMG. It’s  like she’s reading my mind or something. I’ve printed this list out so I can review it whenever I have to deal with M, just a friendly reminder that I should not be talking to him at all, my hand moving towards the flusher…


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16 responses to “This is scary!

  1. Tamara

    May 15, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    I hope you don’t mind me asking but I am wondering why you are still in contact with him at all?

    • Sofia Leo

      May 15, 2013 at 9:25 pm

      I still have two rabbits at his house that I am ultimately responsible for. I have no place to move them at the moment, but that is about to change. I was unable to take them with me when I left and knew that it would mean remaining in contact with him for awhile and that it would be very difficult, but here I am, it is what it is and I’m dealing with his douch-baggery as best I can.

      Most recently it has been an interesting exercise as I observe his text book reactions to being denied anything from me. Every contact with him confirms his NPD in my mind and I hope to spread the word about what these assholes will do to suck a victim back into their clutches.

      Now I’m getting bored and irritated with my internal dialogue about my knee-jerk responses to him and I’m ready to move on for good.

  2. Awana

    May 16, 2013 at 4:54 am

    Yay for Sophia!! It’s easy for us to say,but so difficult to do!! I didn’t really worry about it, but something kept nagging me. Well, you said it so much better than I ever could–with a little help from Baggage Reclaim. After I left you today, this feeling of boring insipidness kept growing. Then,when you told me the fun news about a person with an opportunity you met so fortuitously BECAUSE YOU WERE OUT DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE TO DO, it clicked: Forward, not backward; light instead of dark; and fun instead of boring drudgery. Like Bill the Cat–“Ack,ack,ack!” Cough up that hairball and move on!

    • Lee

      May 16, 2013 at 6:51 am

      Speaking of “Forward, not backward,” here’s one of my most recent posts:

      “Don’t Look Back! Press Onwards and Upwards!”

      It doesn’t directly reference DV, but everything in it applies.

      • Sofia Leo

        May 16, 2013 at 9:40 am

        I read your excellent post, but it’s only with re-reading it today that I see how directly it applies to my situation. I am no longer stuck – the more I think about M’s latest request, the more I distance myself from his crap. Forward is the only way to go, and my path is lighted with Good Things as far as I can see 🙂

    • Sofia Leo

      May 16, 2013 at 9:18 am

      I know, right? What are the odds that a woman from over in the Valley would walk in to an ice cream shop on the Coast where we Fiber Night ladies were sitting and bitching and knitting and start up a conversation? It was meant to be and I’ll be posting about it soon. The coincidences in my life right now are really stacking up and it makes me wonder what else is in store for me now that I’ve cut the Narc’s influence out of my life. How far can I extend this cloud of Good News? Is this my new Super Power? 🙂 Spreading sunshine wherever I go? I sure hope so!

  3. lookingforward2012

    May 16, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Have you checked with a local humane society about find a short term foster family for your rabbits? If you explain about needing to leave an abusive relationship, etc, there is a good chance they could help you find someone to assist you with a home for them.
    Anything you need to do to eliminate all contact, you need to do. Continuing contact with him serves no purpose other than to make him believe that he’s still a part of your life.
    I have kids with my ex. I don’t take calls from him. I don’t reply to any emails from him that don’t have to do directly with kids or scheduling. As best as I can, I’ve cut him out of my life.
    I’m anxious for you to find peace with all this. There is no reason for you to still be having to deal with him. At all. I’m thinking of you.

    • Sofia Leo

      May 16, 2013 at 9:46 am

      There aren’t any people here locally. I’m hoping a friend over in the Valley can foster for me for awhile. So many calls to make, so little time! 🙂

      I have not responded to his calls or emails and I won’t. I’m focused on work and moving and everything else is on hold until I find time to get to it. I know, I know, what am I doing answering comments here when I have details to draw? 🙂 I’m multi-tasking, really! I have two computers on my desk and two keyboards, back and forth. I need to get a picture of it…

  4. JackieP

    May 16, 2013 at 9:23 am

    I loved the post about flushing him! Now just do it! Also, Lookingforward has a great idea about foster home for the rabbits. Worth looking into for sure.

    Speaking from experience, when you talk to him it just confirms HIS ideas that you want to come back if he will just say the ‘right’ words. He’s thinking because you talk to him and answer his emails and phone calls that he still has you. You just have to move back. That’s why he is comfortable in asking you to help him with his money issues. Hell, in his mind you are still his.

    Either stop talking to him about anything but the rabbits or keep giving him the idea you are still interested in him. Revenge is well and good until it turns on you. It’s turning girl.

    • Sofia Leo

      May 16, 2013 at 9:49 am

      Yes, he is trying to find the Magic Words that will bring me back, but it’s a futile exercise! I am now looking at our relationship as purely business now – he is boarding my rabbits in exchange for me paying his cell phone bill. Nothing more. No more dealing with his crap. I am done. No more favors, no more anything. I don’t have the time or energy to waste on him and his delusions – there is too much fun to be had 🙂

      • JackieP

        May 16, 2013 at 10:36 am

        Now you’re talking! 🙂

  5. El Guapo

    May 16, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Hope you manage to get the rabbits out, then push the flusher.
    As a reader here, I get nervous every time you see M.

  6. Jenny

    May 16, 2013 at 10:32 am

    ditto what El Guapo said and I want to thank Lee for his Don’t look Back! Press onwards and upwards I’m trying to rekindle my relationship with a relative and we BOTH have to stop looking back full of hurt and hate and go forward and start over in a better frame of mind, thanks I needed to read that

    • Lee

      May 16, 2013 at 10:54 am

      You’re welcome, Jenny. And thanks for your kind words and your comment. Glad the post is helpful to you!

  7. Not Quite Alice

    May 16, 2013 at 6:13 pm

    Stay strong. Read it every day. Hugs.

  8. behindthemaskofabuse

    May 16, 2013 at 6:43 pm

    I’m so happy and relieved for you, to hear this! xo


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