Despite the lack of posts about M, there has been a bit of communication (or what passes for it in his mind) over the past couple of weeks.
First came the e-mail that he just can’t afford to keep the cable internet if I’m not coming back to use it – it’s just too expensive. Nevermind that I paid the bill for the last 3.5 years, nevermind that he had it and paid for it himself for two years before that. He now claims that he only ever got it hooked up for me – he has no use for the internet but knew that it would make me happy. Whatever.
He wants to make another week-long trip Up North to paint his boat and asked if I would watch the house and the cat. I said yes because I have Awana’s van this week and could go over there and pick up my loom if he wasn’t around. He then changed the date (I was right in the middle of being sick at this point) and I wrote back that I would not be available as I would be house-sitting for someone else. I wasn’t nice about it, either.
Then this note:
My [his nickname for me],
Looks like the the internet people haven’t cut me off yet, though this was suppose to be the day. Anyway, can’t afford it anymore so I hope they aren’t charging me for their procrastination…
Was hoping for a meeting or a visit sometime this week, before your weekend grind starts, what do you say? Hope you’re feeling much better. I was a bit ill myself yesterday, but it passed, mostly.
I spent the day washing the green stuff off [the boat in the water]. The water has been and still is turned off at the docks, so it’s been a long time since a wash. Did it with a bucket on a rope and a scrub brush. Kind of slow, but I didn’t get nearly as wet as I usually do with the hose in the wind. Sat below afterward and thought of the times you and I have spent there and became very sad and nostalgic.
Everywhere I look and everything I do reminds me of you. When you were last here, you said “it’s all about you, isn’t it?” and it occurs to me that since I’m so unhappy, it must seem pretty selfish to you. You should understand that much of that unhappiness has been about how selfish indeed, I have been. And how I drove you away when that was actually the last thing I ever wanted. I suppose that by saying I wish for your happiness, I am saying, if it means not being with me, that’s what I want too. Yes, I do believe that, though it pains me very much to admit it.
I hope that you come to believe that if I was ever good for you and good to you, I can be again. You have always been the center of my life – I have done a very poor job of conveying that to you. Even if I was never to see you again, it would still be true. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. When I told you I would love and cherish you all my life, I meant every word.
I stopped by the computer store today and they sell a signal booster that will reach 1/2 mile! Seems a bit exaggerated to me. You mount the unit high, near the ceiling. They only have the one model and they were out of it, so I’ll have to check back later.
all my love,
Huh. WTF is that supposed to mean? He still hasn’t admitted that he’s been a dick and tortured me just for the fun of it. He still asserts that I am at least half responsible for how our relationship exploded. Every time we speak.
The time we spent on that boat was pure hell for me almost every time. He has such a superior attitude when on a boat that he’s impossible to talk to. I get short of breath and can’t wait to get off the boat when I’m with him, but he has fond feelings of the time we spent there? That’s creepy!
He has always put me at the center of his life? Why didn’t I pick up on that some time during the 10 years we were together? Why did I always feel like an interloper and destroyer of his Great Dream? Oh, yeah, because he TOLD ME I WAS! He says that I was the most important thing in his life, but he told me every day that I was the reason he wasn’t living his Big Dream, and now he wants to change his story? I don’t think so.
We had one phone conversation last week. He called and left a message asking for my help with the wireless antenna. Since I have the same model (he doesn’t know that) I called thinking I could get him set up in a few minutes and that would be that. Now, before you get all hot and bothered, it’s in my best interest that he be able to communicate via e-mail – I don’t want to talk to him on the phone if I can help it.
He was being deliberately dense, so I finally told him to take his computer and the antenna over to the Computer Dudes and have them sort him out. He asked about me watching the house and I repeated the dates I would be available. He wasn’t happy with that and asked if he could “think about it for a day.” Fine. And just as I thought I would be able to escape with no sex talk, he hit me with the wish that he could “make love” to me again soon. Yeah, right. I said nothing at that and got off the line. Ewwww! Getting his dick wet is obviously the most important thing in his life.
Haven’t heard from him since, so I guess he doesn’t need me to feed the cat or rabbits this week.
Got a phone call from one of his friends last night – it was a mistake and poor Chuck tried to get off the line, but I was feeling bitchy so I asked how he was doing, blah, blah, blah. He was obviously uncomfortable, and I have to admit I was tickled by that. He had only written a list of our numbers and didn’t know which was which, typical for him.
What bullshit will the Narc dream up next? I am not worrying about it. My dog is on Mood Enhancers – I have much bigger fish to fry 🙂