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Visit with the Narc

14 Mar

Fairly recovered from the visit with the Narc yesterday.

I had to go over there and deal with the bunnies, and here’s why: angora rabbits* grow hair at the rate of 1″ per month and this hair grows over every square inch of their bodies. They do not groom themselves like cats. The hair grows just as fast over their genital area as the rest of their bodies. Bunny poop sticks to bunny hair. As the hair gets longer, a condition that angora owners refer to as “poopy butt” can (and will at a remarkably fast rate, like within hours) develop. To prevent this problem, the hair around their genital area must be clipped short on a regular basis. If it is not and poopy butt develops, within hours on some occasions, an enterprising female fly will find the dirty bunny and lay her eggs, and I’m sure you can imagine the horrors that quickly develop from there.

Okay. Gross bunny lesson over. M does not know how to properly clip and clean the bunnies, and he’s never actually seen the male bunny’s (his name is Steve) uh…”goods” and so does not know the care that must be taken to avoid slashing a hole in Steve’s vulnerable nut sack, making my presence essential to the health and well-being of the rabbits. The female is named Snowball, just to keep everyone up to speed.

I arrived when I said I would and M was out on the porch. First words out of his mouth were about how good I looked and that he could take care of the rabbits later – why don’t we go get naked? I did not puke, but my stomach came dangerously close to the back of my throat. I mean, really? Sex is going to solve our problems? Did he think I was coming over for a Booty Call? Obviously he did.

After disabusing him of that notion, repeating myself at least three times, he visibly deflated. “Here comes the next phase,” I thought. Sure enough, now it’s quivering voice and crocodile tears and declarations about how much pain he’s in and blah, blah, blah.

I deflected his advances, refuted his assertions that I was the cause of much of his abusive behavior and went outside to take care of the rabbits. He, of course, joined me, asking a few pertinent questions (yes, I know Snowball is the one with the messy butt, but I don’t want to be humped by Steve because I smell like Lady Bunny, so I’m clipping him first) and said that he understood what I was saying when I told him that every conversation between us is a war that he is determined to win.

Wash, rinse, repeat. You’ve heard it all here before. Same shit, different day, with the only difference being that I stuck to my guns and kept repeating that I did not have to agree with him about anything, that I have the right to express my opinion, he doesn’t have to like it, but it’s my right to express myself without the fear of reprisals, etc. It was like talking to a belligerent two-year-old. Sigh.

I finally got out of there (it felt like three years, but was only 2 hours later) and headed off to see the ladies at the shop for knitting and bitching. As always, they were sympathetic and I was able to shake off M’s crud and feel like myself again.**

A little later the following arrived via e-mail. Subject line, “So good to see you:”

Good to see you today. You look fabulous and stir all my passions, as you always have.

There are a lot of thoughts racing through my head. I want you to know, no matter how I might respond to you, I am listening. Right now, with your anger, it’s hard to not be defensive. I know that if I am to discard some wrong behavior I need to get past the pain of your accusations and take them to heart.

When I ask you if you are coming back, I don’t mean today or tomorrow, but sometime – I can wait as long as it takes, if you intend the best for both of us in the end. In that case I will work toward the same. But if you intend to separate from me for good, I need to come to terms with that now. It will not work for me to hope for your return for a year or even more, always wishing for you to come back, only to find you have moved on.

You probably can’t answer that question now, but it would help if you have any positive thoughts to share.

I’ve been a very bad person to have made you feel so insignificant and defensive. I hope you understand that was never my intention, though it’s painfully clear how I’ve done that. I commit to doing what it takes to grow and learn and hope you might commit with me to improve our relationship. I understand that means for you to be able to come from a position of strength.

Your ever-loving man

Oh, whatever! Nowhere in this silly note or our conversation yesterday did he admit that he’s an abusive man. At no time did he say that he accepts that HE is the cause of our problems, that no one can “make” him behave abusively towards me or anyone else. At no time did he admit that I have every right to leave and find happiness away from his abuse. He continues to say that we share the blame equally for how our relationship turned out. When I said, “what I should have done was call you onΒ  your bullshit ten years ago and we wouldn’t be where we are today,” he froze and I could see the wheels clicking around in his head as he tried to find a way to turn it back on me. Everything is my fault in his mind. If only I would [fill in the blank here] we would be fine.

Circles, circles and more circles, all going nowhere. He is not ready to make any changes and will keep trying to surround me with F.O.G. until he gets what he wants. Ain’t gonna happen!

Sabu is feeling better today and yesterday made me quite proud – M wanted her to sit at his feet and be petted, but she made it very clear that I am her person and he is just a guy she used to know πŸ™‚

* Angoras are a man-made breed, first bred (as far as anyone can discover) in monasteries in the mountains France in the 1700’s. They live outside in wire-bottomed cages, which some people take issue with, but they can’t have solid floors or their fur quickly gets matted with feces and just from the friction of the floor. Their hair is fairly delicate and methods of raising them are well established. They (at least these two) are NOT PETS. They have never lived inside (it would be too warm for them under any but the most harsh circumstances) or been litter box trained, or had a large space to exercise in.

They are livestock, raised for their hair which I trim off with scissors every 90 days and spin into yarn or dye and sell to others to spin into yarn or use for other fiber arts. Because they need special care compared to other types of rabbit, it’s not easy to find a new home for them – I will not let them go to some kid who wants to try rabbits for awhile or to some person who thinks they are “cute” and wants to have them in her house as mobile dust catchers because the would quickly get matted and that’s not the responsible thing to do.

I’m still looking for a new place for them and if they were younger it would be easier, but they are well beyond breeding age (Steve would sure like to try, though!) and their wool production is decreasing, so they are not desirable to someone with a money-making (as if!) rabbitry. They are about 85 in human years to giveΒ  you an idea of their age πŸ™‚ It’s a difficult situation. They need to be outside, protected from rain and wind and predators, and I don’t have a place to keep them secure at the moment, but they are physically fine at M’s house.

That I have to deal with him because of the bunnies is a situation I knew would likely arise and I will deal with it until the buns die a natural death or I can find a new home for them. I know that it gives M false hope every time he sees me that I will come back, but ya know, he gave me false hope that I had found my Prince Charming, so a little bit of payback is in order, dontcha think? He lied to me for years, and continues to do so. Why not pay him back in kind?

Cruel? Dangerous? Yes and yes, but I don’t expect it to go on for long and it just makes me stronger. And it’s not like he has any REAL feelings, it’s all an act, so the hardest thing for him to accept after I give him the final Fuck You will be that he wasted his time with me when he could have been out looking for his next victim. There’s a bit of poetic justice for you πŸ™‚

** Not really related, but earlier in the day I was at Wal-Mart and walked by a display freezer that had frozen alcoholic drinks inside. Handy pouches filled with Pina Coladas, Daiquiris, etc, all ready to pour and drink. At only $1.98 you know I had to try one. Delicious! Not as much alcohol in it as I was hoping for, but a perfect end to a rough day nonetheless πŸ™‚ No, I’m not drinking every day, but once in awhile a little drink does help me sleep better.

 
 

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29 responses to “Visit with the Narc

  1. JackieP

    March 14, 2013 at 10:28 am

    Oh I love how you handled him! I am an animal lover so I do understand about the bunnies and them being Angoras, I just worry about you. I am beginning to see just how strong you are. If you don’t have to go over there too often I think you will be ok. Just please please be careful around him! Narcs are noted for doing anything it takes to get back at someone. If you have to take a can of pepper spray with you.
    You handled him and the situation with grace and strength. Good for you! As for the drink, hell I would too. Especially if it helps relax you. Just be careful it doesn’t become a crutch. I’m glad you have so many women in your life to talk to. I wish I had that when I left my narc. But we women are strong. We can do anything! May light and love be with you always.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 15, 2013 at 9:33 am

      I’ve been searching for a can of pepper spray and I won’t hesitate to use it if I have to, but I have to remember that if I do use it he will likely press charges against me…

      The drink was a bit disappointing – not enough alcohol πŸ™‚ Good flavor, though.

       
      • JackieP

        March 15, 2013 at 10:45 am

        well for as cheap as the drink was can’t expect more πŸ™‚ Just be careful around the narc. I know from experience they can turn on a dime. hugs

         
  2. behindthemaskofabuse

    March 14, 2013 at 11:18 am

    Awesome how you see through his bullshit!! I’m glad you’re safe an outta there for now. It’s so crazy how, just doesn’t get that you’re gone permanently!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 15, 2013 at 9:36 am

      He can’t accept that I would leave the wonderful light that is his presence. Gag. He really needs to find someone else to shine his light on, then I would be old news and that would be that, at least for me.

       
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        March 15, 2013 at 9:39 am

        ahaha! the light…narcissists aren’t too smart are they?!

         
      • Sofia Leo

        March 15, 2013 at 9:57 am

        They believe they are brilliant, that’s part of the problem. He is So Much Smarter than me (in his own mind) that he just can’t understand why I wouldn’t want to bask in his glow forever.

         
      • behindthemaskofabuse

        March 15, 2013 at 10:08 am

        You’re making me laugh! I know it’s not technically funny, but they are so over the top..did he have a crown and robe on?

         
      • Sofia Leo

        March 15, 2013 at 3:13 pm

        LOL! No robe – he was really eager to get naked, though πŸ™‚

         
  3. The Cutter

    March 14, 2013 at 11:38 am

    These rabbits don’t exist in the wild?

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 15, 2013 at 9:35 am

      Nope. They would be lunch for the first predator who chanced by. Wild rabbits don’t grow 3″ of hair every three months.

       
  4. kimberlyharding

    March 14, 2013 at 11:51 am

    I just love your honesty. Your writing make it so clear why it can be so difficult to leave abusers at times. they simply NEVER let up. I love reading about your triumphs.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 15, 2013 at 9:37 am

      Thank you. It’s too easy to forget all the bullshit and minimize it over time. I wanted an honest record here that I could use to keep myself focused on getting out. If anyone else benefits from my ramblings, well, that’s just icing on the cupcake!

       
      • kimberlyharding

        March 17, 2013 at 9:28 am

        yes!! I have done the same thing. There is somehting very grounding about putting this type of thing in physical space, i.e. writing about it. It prevents us from creating lies to protect the guilty.

         
      • Sofia Leo

        March 18, 2013 at 9:23 pm

        “It prevents us from creating lies to protect the guilty.” Exactly! We are so concerned that we don’t make waves (because it would only make our lives worse) so we allow these assholes to continue their abuse to save face. The end result is they are validated and we live in hell. Not me anymore, thankyouverymuch!

         
  5. Melanie

    March 14, 2013 at 2:11 pm

    How many times do you have to tell him you are not coming back before he will stop asking you if you are coming back. So frustrating. I’m glad you enjoyed your drink.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 15, 2013 at 9:39 am

      When he is ready to let me go, he will drop me like a hot rock. I will cease to exist for him, and that will suit me just fine…

       
  6. Jenny

    March 14, 2013 at 5:47 pm

    I am so proud of you for sticking to your guns and making it clear you are ONLY there to care for the bunnies and NOT M’s needs…..poor baby waaah waaah….you saw thru the fakeness and kept strong…good for you!!! Jeez Louise what’s it going to take for the idiot to realize you are NOT coming back to him? Think I would have said ” What part of NO don’t you understand?”
    Heck I would have had TWO drinks after all that LOL, Glad you are home safe again ❀

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 15, 2013 at 9:53 am

      Thanks! I still can’t believe that he would think I was there to get naked! As if sex would solve all our problems. I know that Narcs see sex as the ultimate victory, but really? Puke, to quote Awana πŸ™‚

       
  7. Lee

    March 14, 2013 at 8:43 pm

    Told you he wanted sex! πŸ˜›

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 15, 2013 at 9:53 am

      You were right, Lee. Again πŸ™‚

       
  8. Nikki

    March 14, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    I know…. I shouldn’t laugh. But I have spent too long with these creepy guys. it does make me laugh. So, HE needs to get past the pain of YOUR accusations? And because of YOUR anger it’s hard not to be defensive?….. oh jeeze…. next he will be crying. Why do they always have to do the pity party? and then change their viewpoint to whatever. I sometimes wonder when they write this ‘slush’ and that they do when they get their creepy head on, if they are laughing writing it? Cos it makes me laugh. But then, if i responded in that way (as it was how I genuinely felt)…. I was being angry! ….. that is gaslighting!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 15, 2013 at 9:56 am

      Yep. Projection, much? He can turn on the tears like a faucet, and he does, but I am unmoved at this point. They will try whatever they think will work in the moment and switch tactics every other minute until they hit their victim’s switch, whatever it might be. I don’t know if he’s laughing, but he is certainly tossing bait out to see what I will strike at so he can start to worm his way back into my life. Not gonna happen!

       
    • frantichippie

      March 19, 2013 at 1:34 pm

      The hypocrisy with these guys is mind bending! Mine would never console me when I cried, EVER! He would either ignore me or yell at me and put me down even more. But when HE cries, OMG I’m expected to fawn over him and make it all go away. Pfft. Never again!

       
      • Sofia Leo

        March 19, 2013 at 3:02 pm

        Of course he wouldn’t soothe you – what were you thinking? The only emotions that matter are his – you are nothing more than a tool to be used as he sees fit. What a bunch of wankers! Don’t the Brits have the best expletives? πŸ™‚

         
  9. Jenny

    March 16, 2013 at 11:41 pm

    Funny how he noticed how great you looked, reminds me of when I split with my X and I was looking much better divorced than when I was married!! I still giggle at seeing the photo’s of the gal he married and what a frump she has become since marrying him !! I did not have to get revenge, I got even lol

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 17, 2013 at 8:11 am

      It’s no wonder we get frumpy – enough comments about how “that other guy” was looking at us and we start to dress down out of self defense – all part of the Narc’s plan to have us for himself. It’s also no wonder we start to look good after we leave an abusive situation – we finally get a taste of what Normal People think and we can’t help but be happy πŸ™‚

       
  10. frantichippie

    March 19, 2013 at 1:20 pm

    Reading this makes me very grateful that I likely will never have to respond to my ex again. I’m sure he’ll find something of mine and try to use it as an excuse to contact me (he always does, been there done that), but I can’t think of one thing that could possibly be there that I couldn’t live without.

    Now that he’s finally crushed every last feeling of guilt or compassion I could possibly muster up for him, I don’t think there is anything he could say that would cause me to respond. In past breakups I was still like a Pavlov dog responding automatically on command any time he tried to contact me. I downloaded iBlacklist app last night and blocked his number, but clearly that didn’t work cuz first thing this morning I got a text about the utilities that are in my name (which is now all taken care of). His last text today says “Ok I’m done now, never contact me again”. I laughed out loud because I’ve heard that so many times, I give it 2-3 days tops.

    This time is different, for me at least. I’m truly done finally and it feels really awesome! I do still have some anxiety about him trying to come here and do something crazy or whatever, but nothing to do with missing him or wishing things could have worked out or mourning over my lost relationship or anything like that at all. It’s quite liberating πŸ™‚

    Thanks for letting me vent on your blog LOL I so wish I had thought of starting a blog a year ago when my breakup started!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      March 19, 2013 at 3:03 pm

      Why not start a blog now? It’s never too late and I’m sure your story would be informative and inspiring…

       

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