A Conversation with the Narc

07 Mar

I need a shower. Srsly, I feel slimed.

Just got off the phone with M. He asked me when we spoke on Tuesday if I would spend Friday night with him. I begged off, citing work and a prior commitment on Saturday morning. He was adamant, claiming he would let me sleep, take care of me, prove that he’s a New Man.

No calls yesterday. Tonight he’s all over me about tomorrow, will I spend the night with him. I said no. He asked why. I said it didn’t feel right, but then I felt compelled to explain and found myself being conciliatory for no damned reason.

The fact that he questioned my saying no is a huge Red Flag that he has not changed one bit. That he continued to give me reasons why it was a great idea just reinforces that fact.

Grrrr…I thought we could have a civil conversation, that he has a new understanding for my position about boundaries and that we could be “friends” until I get the rabbit situation resolved, but it’s just not gonna happen.

I knew all this. I knew it was a bad idea to house sit for him and feeling sorry for the cat and the bunnies was not a good enough reason to engage him again, but I couldn’t resist testing the waters.

Not many Narcs change, but a small percentage do. He is not one of them. He seemed to have a good relationship with his ex, so I thought he would be similar with me, but every time he worded his request in a different way, and I still said no, I could feel him getting angry and it made me feel squicky. It is so a word and it means exactly what it sounds like.

He wants dog visitation. He told me that it’s not right that Sabu has to sleep in the car when I’m at work.* He said several times that we can’t work on our relationship if we don’t see each other. I countered with, “if we can’t even talk on the phone without anger, what would happen if we were face to face?” but he was undeterred.

He just doesn’t get it. He can’t wrap his mind around the fact that he is an abuser, that I was a victim of his abuse and that I refuse to put myself back in that place again. I like my new life. I’m happy. I don’t want to go back. These ideas are impossible for him to accept.

It’s a train wreck that I can’t look away from. Perhaps moving out of this town is the only way I will find peace. I can feel his tendrils poking at me, feeling for weakness, probing for a way in and it freaks me out.

The “easy” way would be to come back and see if things have changed, but I know that it won’t ever work again and he is not accepting it when I say that our baggage is incompatible. There is a huge part of me that can’t handle confrontation and he knows it and is trying to take advantage of my weakness. I don’t know why I can’t get over this part of my personality – life-long training, I suppose.

He is going to have to hear me say, “I hate you. I do not want to be around you in any way ever again. There is no chance for us to be together in a healthy relationship. Go fuck yourself.” It will have to be in person because he’s that kind of man, and it will be very hard for me to do, which he also knows.

I know, I know, y’all warned me, but everything seemed fine until half an hour ago. I know better now. Lesson learned. I’m outta here at daybreak. I would leave now, but I had a rum & coke and do not ever drive after I’ve had a drink.

* She seems to be fine with it and we always go to the dog park first, so it’s not like she doesn’t get any exercise – she runs and then takes a nap (like many other dogs in cars parked near where I work) until it’s time to go to the dog park again. The dog is not being neglected and seems to enjoy going everywhere with me. She seems to be happy and is in fact shedding some of her bad behaviors now that M is not in her life.


Posted by on March 7, 2013 in Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Narcissist


Tags: , ,

29 responses to “A Conversation with the Narc

  1. El Guapo

    March 7, 2013 at 10:54 pm

    I’m not sure why it’s your problem that he needs to hear it face to face. If it’s what you’re comfortable with, tell him there is no relationship off the phone and be done.
    Easier said than done, but no harder than everything else you’ve already done to reclaim yourself.

    And just spend the time you’d be thinking/worrying about him working on your fabrics or your instruments, or something else you enjoy.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 7, 2013 at 11:00 pm

      Good point G – it’s not MY problem that he wants a F2F showdown, is it? He is not accepting that I’m not coming back, but that’s not MY problem either, is it? Duh. Sometimes it takes saying something “out loud” on a blog and getting instant feedback to make the picture clear again. I love you guys!

      I don’t spend any time agonizing about what he thinks any more. In fact, he is already fading from my consciousness even though I’m sitting in his house. He doesn’t have any power over me except in the moment, but I felt I had to be honest and blog about how he made me feel.

      I actually had a pretty spectacular day that I will post about on Travels with Towanda in a day or two – the glue and paint are still wet, so final assembly has to wait. It will be pretty cool, though 🙂

      • Bethany

        March 8, 2013 at 5:32 am

        He wants a F2F because he knows that he will have the high ground. You take the high ground this time and brake it off the way YOU want to brake it off and if that is as simple as a two word (fuck off) email and no contact ever again than that is the right thing to do! I love you and I am in your corner. You can do this 🙂
        BTW how are you liking that book I recommended? I am on ch. 6 right now. I am reading it slowly so that I make sure I get it.

      • Sofia Leo

        March 8, 2013 at 9:57 am

        I’m on chapter four and finding it fascinating and repulsive at the same time. M is so THIS BOOK that it’s scary. I almost mentioned to him that I was reading it, but I don’t want him to read it and then use it against me like Narcs will do if they acquire some psychological knowledge – it would be more bullshit using longer words and I don’t have the time…

        He wants a F2F because he knows he will be able to cow me with his threatening postures and angry face and he knows how I hate confrontation. There’s no reason to be a disagreeable person, IMHO, it just makes you look like an ass and people hate you. He doesn’t get that.

    • Lee

      March 7, 2013 at 11:38 pm

      Agreed. You don’t owe him anything, F2F or otherwise. His inability to accept that you have left is not your problem. If and when you want to tell him clearly that it’s over for good, for your own reasons, you’re perfectly free to do so. However, he probably still won’t listen . . . so even that is for you, not for him.

      Also, being still tied to the home where the previous relationship took place makes it very hard to leave it fully behind. I know this from experience. You’re still tied to him by the fact that you still have things you care about at his house. You will not be able to fully break free from him until that is no longer true. Hard facts.

      • Lee

        March 7, 2013 at 11:47 pm

        P.S. As a heterosexual male, he wants sex. To him, you look like his best prospect for getting it.

      • Sofia Leo

        March 8, 2013 at 9:51 am

        LOL! That’s what I think, too, but he denies it. He says he will show me the utmost respect and not push my boundaries, but we both know that’s a lie. My legs are closed for the foreseeable future – something else he needs to learn to accept. What a dick!

      • Sofia Leo

        March 8, 2013 at 9:50 am

        Sigh. He won’t get it until he has another victim in his sights, will he? Intellectually I know that I don’t owe him anything, but there’s still that switch inside me that triggers into “placate the Narc” mode when he starts bullying me. When that feeling goes away I will finally be free.

        I don’t feel any attachment to the house. After all, he did buy it without my knowledge and has held it against me for years that he “supports me” by keeping a roof over my head. Whatever.

        Looking at the few pieces of furniture I left there did not evoke any feelings of loss – I just saw dollar signs and will put them up for sale 🙂

  2. Becki Duckworth

    March 7, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    Don’t do it. sounds like he is looking for excuses to worm his way back ie: the dog. Narcs don’t understand and do not accept boundaries. To them there are none.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 8, 2013 at 9:47 am

      I have no intention of letting him take my dog for even an hour! He and his ex did watch each others dogs, and now I wonder what was up with that. I tried to contact her via e-mail some months ago but never got a response, so I only have his half of the story…

  3. Awana

    March 8, 2013 at 12:32 am

    Wow–you are a “best prospect”–take the hint—forget about it. Not wanting confrontation is not a failure; we don’t have duels anymore to prove we are “men”. Ha,ha. He, of course, would feel safe doing this; you may not be. Yes, we want our children to apologize for name-calling on the playground,then shake hands and go play. This is not child’s play. You have done you best, now go on and get on with your fabulous life!

    • Sofia Leo

      March 8, 2013 at 9:53 am

      More wise words, Awana! I know. I’m trying. I wish I could open up my head and remove the crap he’s put in there so I didn’t have to work so hard to re-train my synapses manually – it’s taking too long!

  4. Lee

    March 8, 2013 at 6:06 am

    “Dog visitation” my foot. He just wants to tie strings onto you so that he can yank you back, or at least yank you around.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 8, 2013 at 9:59 am

      He’s confident that if he yanks me around he can reel me back in. It’s worked in the past.

  5. Jenny

    March 8, 2013 at 7:46 am

    I knew going over there was a bad thing and if it were me I would have tried harder to ditch the bunnies so you did not have to go back there at all and as hard as it is about the cat I am sure he left out enough food for the cat. He has made it clear he wants you back and does not get it that you are not coming back because you went over there! You do not have to have a F2F to say Fuck Off but you HAVE to stop communicating with him or you will never ditch him!! I agree with what Lee says!!

    • Sofia Leo

      March 8, 2013 at 10:01 am

      He has not faced the fact that I’m gone. He makes me so tired and foggy, almost like I’m drugged. I will not be communicating with him at all this week so I can get myself together again. Meanwhile I will try to find a home for the buns so I can say a final “adios!” to M.

  6. JackieP

    March 8, 2013 at 9:28 am

    My opinion is now is the time to just cut off all ties to him, bunnies, cat or whatever. Sometimes you need to think about yourself first. He is going to keep pulling on you to sleep over, come back, whatever if you don’t do it. Narc’s are that way, he is going to keep trying, because you let him. They don’t need much. House sitting was a big flag to him that you are almost ready to go back to him. It’s how they think. Either take the bunnies and cat when you leave for good or forget about them and hope they will be ok. But do NOT go back there again. As far as the dog is concerned, what gives him the right to think he deserves visits? The dog is doing better because it is away from him and all that tension and drama, it would be cruel to the dog to put it back under those conditions. Stop talking to the man!! I cannot stress that enough. Just stop!

    • Sofia Leo

      March 8, 2013 at 10:05 am

      He thinks he deserves anything he wants because he is a Narc and is entitled to all the Good Things in life 🙂

  7. behindthemaskofabuse

    March 8, 2013 at 9:33 am

    He will never get it. I wouldn’t even engage in any conversations with him. He’s starting to get to the dangerous stage now. Please take care of you. xo

    As far as confrontation, my “T” told me recently that for those of us who have been abused, when in a threatening or uncomfortable situation, we lack oxygen to the part of our brains that would help us stand up for ourselves. It’s the fight/flight/freeze response.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 8, 2013 at 10:03 am

      Interesting! I do feel like I can’t get enough air when he starts in with his Narc BS. I had no idea it was a scientific fact.

      I am being very cautious, rest assured. He has (so far) not come to my work or made any threats, but the second he does I will file a restraining order. Having a former cop for a boss is a good thing! 🙂

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        March 8, 2013 at 10:12 am

        Okay, I’m glad to know you’re keeping safe. Yes I was so glad when my “T” told me that, then I’m not so hard on myself after the fact, when I think of all the things I wished I would have/could have said…lol

  8. Lee

    March 8, 2013 at 9:53 am

    Just want to say: You’re the only one in your shoes. So listen to your friends (that’s us!), then do what *you* think is best. 🙂

    • Bethany

      March 8, 2013 at 4:27 pm

      I agree 100% with Lee do what he says 😛 LOL but seriously I do agree with him. You need to have faith in your ability to know what is best for you. You were beat down mentally for so long you think you can’t trust yourself but you can ❤

      • Sofia Leo

        March 12, 2013 at 9:41 am

        I agree with Lee, too 🙂 Part of me wants to beat him down into a quivering mass of jello just to get even, but I know in my heart that revenge is never a good idea. Unless you can get away with it. No. Sorry, I don’t mean that 🙂 No Contact this week is great for my inner peace. I feel like he’s planning something else, but I will be strong enough to deal with whatever it is. Karma will get him in the end…

  9. lookingforward2012

    March 8, 2013 at 10:43 am

    I’m not sure why you’re even speaking to him, honestly. It seems to me that he feels like if he can get you to converse over the phone, then he feels like he still has a chance and swaying and manipulating you. He wants you to spend the night with him? What part of “I am moving out. We are no longer a couple” does he not understand? Its all a game. Its all a con. Every word out of his mouth is complete bullshit. You really need to try an “email only” policy.
    That’s just my two cents! 🙂

    • Sofia Leo

      March 12, 2013 at 9:45 am

      I thought I could. I thought I didn’t have to be That Woman, you know the one, the total bitch who ruined his life, blah, blah, blah, who he complains about to everyone who will listen. I thought I could be the Adult and be responsible, take care of the animals so he didn’t have to hire a stranger, after all, the buns are mine. Of course you all were right 🙂 He’s not a new man, no matter how much he claims to be. He’s not going to change – why should he if I keep coming back? He’s trying to wear me down, but he’s in for a surprise because I will not be worn down!

  10. Jenny

    March 9, 2013 at 7:48 am

    Have you posted a sign at work ” Free bunnies”, still think if you posted a sign at a Pet shop you’d get some calls, after all Easter is coming soon and someone can have Easter bunnies.

    • Sofia Leo

      March 12, 2013 at 9:42 am

      Easter Bunnies are such a bad idea! These rabbits are not pets – they live outside (with all that hair temps inside a house would be much too warm for them – and they need a fair amount of grooming and of course shearing every 90 days, so they are not for kids. I will be posting something in the local feed store this week.


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