I need a shower. Srsly, I feel slimed.
Just got off the phone with M. He asked me when we spoke on Tuesday if I would spend Friday night with him. I begged off, citing work and a prior commitment on Saturday morning. He was adamant, claiming he would let me sleep, take care of me, prove that he’s a New Man.
No calls yesterday. Tonight he’s all over me about tomorrow, will I spend the night with him. I said no. He asked why. I said it didn’t feel right, but then I felt compelled to explain and found myself being conciliatory for no damned reason.
The fact that he questioned my saying no is a huge Red Flag that he has not changed one bit. That he continued to give me reasons why it was a great idea just reinforces that fact.
Grrrr…I thought we could have a civil conversation, that he has a new understanding for my position about boundaries and that we could be “friends” until I get the rabbit situation resolved, but it’s just not gonna happen.
I knew all this. I knew it was a bad idea to house sit for him and feeling sorry for the cat and the bunnies was not a good enough reason to engage him again, but I couldn’t resist testing the waters.
Not many Narcs change, but a small percentage do. He is not one of them. He seemed to have a good relationship with his ex, so I thought he would be similar with me, but every time he worded his request in a different way, and I still said no, I could feel him getting angry and it made me feel squicky. It is so a word and it means exactly what it sounds like.
He wants dog visitation. He told me that it’s not right that Sabu has to sleep in the car when I’m at work.* He said several times that we can’t work on our relationship if we don’t see each other. I countered with, “if we can’t even talk on the phone without anger, what would happen if we were face to face?” but he was undeterred.
He just doesn’t get it. He can’t wrap his mind around the fact that he is an abuser, that I was a victim of his abuse and that I refuse to put myself back in that place again. I like my new life. I’m happy. I don’t want to go back. These ideas are impossible for him to accept.
It’s a train wreck that I can’t look away from. Perhaps moving out of this town is the only way I will find peace. I can feel his tendrils poking at me, feeling for weakness, probing for a way in and it freaks me out.
The “easy” way would be to come back and see if things have changed, but I know that it won’t ever work again and he is not accepting it when I say that our baggage is incompatible. There is a huge part of me that can’t handle confrontation and he knows it and is trying to take advantage of my weakness. I don’t know why I can’t get over this part of my personality – life-long training, I suppose.
He is going to have to hear me say, “I hate you. I do not want to be around you in any way ever again. There is no chance for us to be together in a healthy relationship. Go fuck yourself.” It will have to be in person because he’s that kind of man, and it will be very hard for me to do, which he also knows.
I know, I know, y’all warned me, but everything seemed fine until half an hour ago. I know better now. Lesson learned. I’m outta here at daybreak. I would leave now, but I had a rum & coke and do not ever drive after I’ve had a drink.
* She seems to be fine with it and we always go to the dog park first, so it’s not like she doesn’t get any exercise – she runs and then takes a nap (like many other dogs in cars parked near where I work) until it’s time to go to the dog park again. The dog is not being neglected and seems to enjoy going everywhere with me. She seems to be happy and is in fact shedding some of her bad behaviors now that M is not in her life.