V-Day Bullshit

14 Feb

The Narc is not giving up. Found this in my inbox this AM. The subject reads, “My Flower:”

[His Nickname for me],

I wonder if, in celebration of this lover’s holiday, you would come over tonight and have dinner with me? I would like it very much if you could spend the night and I could hold you in my arms. I promise to treat you as my delicate wild flower and show you the love and respect you deserve, with no advances on your honor you might not welcome.

With all my love,


Srsly? How do “normal” people do this? Is breaking up and making up like this? I’ve never had a relationship with anyone other than a Narc or similar, so I really don’t know how it’s supposed to go.

After years of abuse, yelling, put-downs, dismissing feelings, name calling, taking control of everything, constant derision, would someone “normal” go back after a romantic gesture like this?

How can he think that I will go over there and fall into bed with him after the foul, ugly things he has said and done to me? He wants to “start over.” He says he has changed back into the man I fell in love with, the kind, gentle, supportive M who wants nothing but to bask in the glow of my happiness.

Yeah, right.

Did I have a memory transplant last night? Uh…no I did not. I ignored his picture/card. I have not responded to him in any way since Monday. Do I let this note go by with no response as well? Or do I send some reply that clues him in?

Do I tell him that the picture he sent has bad memories for me? He surely remembers it differently and can explain his way out of almost anything – he would turn it around so it seems like it was a perfect day joking around with an old friends, but my stomach still clenches with frustration when I remember how I held my tongue when he was being a dick so he would shut up sooner and I don’t think 3.5 weeks is long enough for forgiveness.


Posted by on February 14, 2013 in Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Narcissist


Tags: ,

23 responses to “V-Day Bullshit

  1. merbear74

    February 14, 2013 at 9:02 am

    I wouldn’t bother to respond to it.

  2. Lee

    February 14, 2013 at 9:05 am

    My $0.02: Respond only to what you have to respond to in order to take care of your bunnies and remove any remaining stuff you still want–and if necessary, protect yourself from him. Once the bunnies are out of there and you have everything you plan to take, stop talking to him altogether. As long as you engage him, he’ll keep coming back for more, sapping your emotional and physical energy, keeping you tethered to him, and damaging any new or renewed relationships and friendships of yours. I learned this through hard experience.

  3. JackieP

    February 14, 2013 at 9:16 am

    Lee has some great advice. Mine is not to respond at all. Ignore anything that has to do with romance or getting back together. Just plain ignore. Once you have gotten everything you want from his place send him a email stating that you want to move on and can’t with him emailing you, so please stop as you will NOT be answering any more of them. Period! Then follow through with it. If you do not put a stop to it, he will keep trying. It’s a narc’s nature.

  4. behindthemaskofabuse

    February 14, 2013 at 9:34 am

    Don’t respond he will never get it, they just don’t. This is the “honeymoon” period, all abusers do this to pull you back into their widows web. My family did it to me for years. Keep standing your ground. The more you respond the more leverage you give him. xo

  5. lookingforward2012

    February 14, 2013 at 9:54 am

    Yeah, like everyone else has said, don’t respond. As much as you want to smack him with a logic stick, and point out ALL THE STUPID SHIT HE EVER DID AND HOW TERRIBLE IT WAS TO LIVE THROUGH, it won’t matter. He wants you to forget how things were. He wants you to think he’s a good man.
    I thought about the same thing is this how people break up? And no. Its not. Most people don’t want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with them. Most people figure out that its not just a ‘phase’ and will move on with their lives. Someone who is a desperate and clingy as M seems to be, after almost a month…he might as well be waving a Red Flag.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 14, 2013 at 2:38 pm

      Your second paragraph hits the nail on the head – he doesn’t want to be with me and I figured it out months ago and took appropriate measures. Funny how he wasn’t clingy until he couldn’t touch me any more. What a putz.

  6. Janine

    February 14, 2013 at 10:12 am

    OK, sorry but EWWWW to the letter… and I could see a “no thank you” as a response if you respond at all. No reason needed, no need to elaborate on his misdeeds because as everyone correctly said: He won’t get it.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 14, 2013 at 2:36 pm

      He hasn’t gotten it so far, even though I’ve repeated my reasons for leaving every time we talk on the phone. Silence might get the message across sooner.

  7. Driversprovided

    February 14, 2013 at 10:30 am

    IMHO, I think you should ignore it. Any response, or reaction shows he can get to you. Build a giant wall of no contact. It’s the only thing they understand. As soon as you make one repy, the wall is gone. Narcs have boundary issues!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 14, 2013 at 2:34 pm

      “Boundary issues” is putting it mildly. I agree with all of you about not responding at all.

  8. El Guapo

    February 14, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Thank him and decline.
    Or just decline…

    • Sofia Leo

      February 14, 2013 at 2:35 pm

      Think I’ll decline by remaining silent 🙂

  9. Melanie

    February 14, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Light a bag of dog poop on fire on his front porch, ring the bell, and run away. Than laugh and laugh and laugh until you can laugh no more.

  10. Bethany

    February 14, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    The email creeps me out!!! I am glad you have decided not to respond smart woman 🙂

    • Sofia Leo

      February 14, 2013 at 7:56 pm

      Glad I wasn’t the only one creeped out 🙂 What was he thinking?

  11. notyourvictim

    February 14, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    Ugh, that creeped me out just reading it! My complete sympathy to you.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 14, 2013 at 7:56 pm

      No worries – my phone is off and e-mail is closed. There will be no communication on this “day of lovers.” Puke!

  12. lifebegins45

    February 14, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    I’m with Melanie! lol!! Seriously, I agree with everyone. Don’t respond at all. If you explain how it made you feel, that just encourages him to keep it up. You are doing awesome!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 14, 2013 at 7:57 pm

      You’re right again 🙂 Don’t let him find a chink in my armor or he’ll take advantage. I feel like I should feel something, but I just don’t. Not even pity. Mild disinterest maybe…

  13. Goddess

    February 14, 2013 at 8:59 pm

    I laughed at his letter to you. They sure are persistent. I agree with everyone else, continue to ignore him.

  14. Awana

    February 16, 2013 at 1:02 am

    EEEWWWWW is right….

  15. Nyssa

    February 23, 2013 at 10:32 pm

    Even “normal” people will still feel distressed and lonely, going into the “bargaining” stage of grief, so soon after a breakup. Especially suddenly losing a spouse of many years. It’s a huge adjustment they were not prepared for. Feelings can’t just be turned off like a switch; it can take years to deal with the grief. And sometimes the couple will get back together.

    However, when you’re dealing with an abuser, this is not what it seems. Those kind, loving words, which may be meant by a “normal” person, become a hook by the abuser to reel you back in. You know you were abused, but the abuser wants you to forget that, see it as aberration, something he’ll never do again. But when you come back, after a honeymoon period, the abuse starts all over again.


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