Valentine’s Day

13 Feb

A note arrived in my inbox yesterday. The subject reads “Please be my Valentine” and the note itself says, “Wishing you were in my arms.” This picture was attached –

Valentine 2013I would like to talk a little bit about this particular picture of the two of us. It was taken in 2004, shortly after we moved to a 5-acre farm in a small town where I could at last have my horse at home and maybe soon have some sheep and chickens. It was supposed to be our dream come true, but like every dream the Narc appropriates, it was all a fantasy.

M’s “best friend” Anna took the picture. She was up from California visiting and I met her for the first time that day. She is a mixed media artist, speaks three languages and is very educated and politically aware, travels to France every year to play chef at an exclusive resort and visit with her world traveling friends. She and M have never been romantically involved (they met while she was married to an old friend of M’s) but were close friends for years before I came along. Anna has three children, two of which were grown at the time of this picture. She has lived all over the world and met every kind of person you can imagine.

Needless to say, M did his best to make me feel intimidated by her before we ever met. “Be prepared, Anna is a snob. She won’t like this place or how we live or anything about you. Just don’t want you to be shocked.” I was feeling pretty low about meeting her, afraid I would never be able to stand up to her scrutiny, never be good enough for M in her eyes. I was an emotional wreck over the visit.

So Anna arrived. She was charming, polite, warm, very open to what we were attempting to do on this little farm in the middle of nowhere. She was not snobby or cold or dismissive of my art. She was encouraging and just really, really nice.

This put M’s nose out of joint – she was supposed to be his exclusive friend and I sensed his anger and gave them time to talk alone. I have no idea what he must have told her about me.

Anyway, M cooked dinner (he fretted over the menu for a week, telling me that Anna was a world-class chef and had a very refined palate, something that I would never understand) and afterwards we were sitting around talking and M asked her advice about how to deal with my son (he must have been 13 at that time and he and M were not getting along at all.) I almost stood up and cheered at her reply:

“He’s a man-child and will do things that make you mad. You have to let that shit go or you will go crazy.” She said it in an offhand, casual way, and he was prompted to shoot holes in her theory but she stuck to her guns and kept saying that children are a trial, you do the best you can without losing your mind, you “forget” the stuff that doesn’t matter and deal with the stuff that does and you don’t agonize over every word or action – they are children and need to be taught what their limits are in a kind way.

He was floored. He couldn’t believe she could be so cavalier about what he saw as an insurrection by a teenager. How could he just “let shit go?!?” He was in charge! He had to be in control or the kid would kill us all in our beds.

When she saw he was not going to be convinced, she dropped the subject. I was so surprised at many things that she said, things that totally disagreed with M’s point of view, and she said them without fear, not caring what he thought about her opinion. I was amazed that she was confident enough to stand up to him in a way that I never could.

After she left, M brought up the subject of the boy again and I repeated what Anna had said, hoping that since she and I agreed, M would see that my point of view was not worthless.

Know what he said? “I would never take Anna’s advice about raising kids – she knows nothing about parenting!” What?

She had two grown children, both college educated, both with wonderful careers, loved by everyone they meet, world travelers, and they are both beautiful to boot. How did she go “wrong?” Her youngest split time between Anna and her dad and was loved by everyone – I heard how fantastic she was from other people who knew both M and Anna. Seems like she did a pretty good job and I told M so, but it changed nothing.

So, this was a bad choice for a Valentine’s Day picture to send to me. That damned car is another sore point with me, too. The picture does nothing but piss me off and make me want to send a caustic reply, but so far I have kept silent.

And let’s talk about V-day for a minute while we’re at it. M expects Big Romantic Gestures for this day. He will not say what those gestures might be – I am supposed to come up with something as wonderful as whatever he has in mind. But I don’t have a romantic bone in my body – he’s told me so many times. Some years he gave me a box of chocolates, others just a card. After our first year together, I don’t recall any gifts. That first year was the hated leather jacket, so yeah, V-day doesn’t have any positive associations for me.

This year he wants us to “learn to communicate” so we can heal our relationship. So far, every phone conversation we’ve had is a replay of every speech he has given me – it starts out with him admitting wrong, then starts turning around so that I am at fault (for everything) and then to what I need to do to improve things between us. He promises (again) that he won’t raise his voice or dismiss my feelings, but by the end of the conversation, my feelings are “wrong” and I’m being unreasonable.

“How are we supposed to get past this if you won’t talk to me?” is his plaintive refrain. Sigh. I just don’t care. Talking to him makes me tired. That’s healing, right?

He keeps sending me YouTube videos. Seems he has finally figured out what type of music I like – no more of his Classic Rock or Reggae crap. Sigh. I need a nap already.


Posted by on February 13, 2013 in Emotional Abuse, Gaslighting, Narcissist


Tags: , ,

36 responses to “Valentine’s Day

  1. goldfish

    February 13, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Eesh. Take your VD pics and shove ’em, M.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 11:25 am

      Exactly. But telling him so is just playing into his desire for a “dialogue,” isn’t it? He wants me to share how I feel, but he also wants me to “start over” with him, forgetting all the crap in the past, make a “fresh start” on a healthy relationship, but I’ve done that time and again and look where it got me. It just makes no sense.

      • goldfish

        February 13, 2013 at 11:26 am

        He wants you back because he misses having someone to control. Don’t play into that. You have a much better life right now.

      • Sofia Leo

        February 13, 2013 at 11:27 am

        I won’t be playing into anything, rest assured. I have plans for my life and not one of them includes him 🙂

      • goldfish

        February 13, 2013 at 11:28 am

        Yay!! I’m so glad you’re not still there.

      • Sofia Leo

        February 13, 2013 at 9:57 pm

        Me, too! What a freaking nightmare! Can’t believe I stayed so long…

  2. behindthemaskofabuse

    February 13, 2013 at 11:14 am

    It looks like the attacks have started but at this point in a passive aggressive way, they are so brutal!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 11:26 am

      You think so? Huh. I don’t feel under attack, just annoyed. And hungry – Awana and I are going to try out a local Chinese place for lunch and frankly, that’s about all I can think clearly about 🙂

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        February 13, 2013 at 11:30 am

        I do, he knows very well what hurts you. I’m glad you don’t feel under attack though. Enjoy your lunch, have some good laughs!! xo

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 9:58 pm

      We had a fantastic day! Great lunch (with leftovers for tomorrow at work) spent some money in local consignment shops and the evening laughing with friends and spinning wool. Couldn’t have been better 🙂

  3. El Guapo

    February 13, 2013 at 11:36 am

    Is it bad that he knows your address?
    I hope after you’ve collectd all his stuff, you get time with no input from M, at least for a while so you can enjoy starting up your new life…

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 12:23 pm

      The picture came via e-mail. He does not have my address 🙂

      • El Guapo

        February 13, 2013 at 12:25 pm

        Thanks! (I was a little worried.)

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 9:59 pm

      So far he has not asked questions about where I live. It’s bad enough that he knows where I work – I will never tell him where I live because it’s none of his business…

  4. JackieP

    February 13, 2013 at 11:46 am

    typical narc crap. sending you a pic, saying how much he loves you, but then turning it all against you. I’m glad it just makes you tired. means you are almost there. he will keep it up though. different things, just to show himself more than you how he can still control you. One problem with narcs is they can’t see that they DON”T have control anymore. they refuse to accept it till you no long talk to them at all. not by phone, not by email. nothing. it’s their nature. Enjoy your lunch! You have a great friend.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 10:01 pm

      Awana is the bomb!

      Narcs can’t see beyond the end of their own noses. How sad. We could have had a great life, but he had to spoil it by being such a dick. He was always going on and on about how he hates the house and his life, etc. but now his tune has changed and it just makes me sad. And bored. Amazing how boring he has become 🙂

  5. merbear74

    February 13, 2013 at 12:47 pm

    This sounds so wrong..but sometimes hate makes you strong.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 8:45 pm

      Which part of the post is “wrong?” His sending me a Valentine, or my feelings about it?

      • merbear74

        February 14, 2013 at 3:29 am

        Well, him sending you the Valentine was a normal tactic from an abusive Narc. Your hateful feelings towards him might make you feel like your cold hearted, but it’s a good thing. It helps you stick to your resolve, and makes you strong. Make sense?

  6. Melanie

    February 13, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    He will stop at nothing to get you to come crawling back. Someday soon you are going to have to cut off all communication with him, block his emails and calls, or he won’t stop.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      I know. Sigh. I just wish he would get a clue…

      • Melanie

        February 14, 2013 at 2:46 am

        You will have to be the one to cut off the monster’s head. It will be hard, but I know you know it will be worth it.

  7. Lee

    February 13, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    Gag me with a spoon.

    Now I’m looking forward to the day when you can tell us that you’ve found a place for your bunnies, and you don’t have to talk to him anymore. 🙂

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 9:02 pm

      I’m working on it, Lee 🙂

  8. Goddess

    February 13, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    Ignore him. He’s playing games as he always does. He’s hoping to tug at your heart and then you’ll talk to him.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 9:03 pm

      That’s my plan. Kinda dreading tomorrow – I work, and am hoping he doesn’t make some grand gesture that will have to be publicly rebuffed.

  9. Jenny

    February 13, 2013 at 9:51 pm

    Well do you remember the movie “Working Girl” with Melanie Griffith and the guy asked her to marry him and her answer was” If you want another answer , then ask another girl”…she had caught him cheating on her and gave him the boot and fell in love with Harrison Ford and the cheating boyfriend asked her to marry him and she said NO.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 10:04 pm

      I haven’t seen that movie in years – maybe I should watch it again. My movie list is so long now that I can watch whatever I want whenever I want. Lately it’s been Breaking Bad on Netflix – I saw the first two or three seasons but lost touch after that. The idea of Walt doing what he has to do for his family and how he changes is fascinating to me. Not that I agree with the path that he took, but in the beginning he thought he had no choice and at least he did *something* to change his circumstances.

  10. Jenny

    February 13, 2013 at 9:53 pm

    I’ll be so glad when you find a new Home for the bunnies so you can cut off all communication with M and have a better life. Have you checked out any 4H kids that might want them?

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 10:04 pm

      I haven’t tried local 4-H kids – that’s a great idea, Jenny!

  11. Just Me With . . .

    February 15, 2013 at 2:47 pm

    Boy I wished I’d been online when I went through all of this. Instead I was gaslighted and didn’t recognize the textbook tactics or his issues. I, too, got a Valentine from my husband as he was making plans to move in with another woman. He told me he loved me and he’ll always love me. He said Happy Anniversary, though he understood that I might not want to hear it. (Which got the intended result of confusion and guilt since he was at least remembering out long history together . . . blah blah gag) Totally confusing for me. So I thought that was how it was supposed to be –he leaves, but he still has control, emotional control — which kept me from getting angry and setting boundaries. He treated me like I should think that any attention or gesture from him was wanted, appreciated, needed, no matter what he did or how I felt.

    Yeah, been there. I am very content with not being his Valentine or his wife or girlfriend. Though I’m unattached and got no flowers or candy or card from a romantic interest this year, I’m happy not to be tied to him. I’m happy not to get a card or note from him.

    Anyway, his sending that card is typical behavior from a disordered individual. Consider the source.

    I think you’re doing great.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 15, 2013 at 6:28 pm

      Gaaahhhhh! It makes me sick every time I hear about another woman getting this treatment. There should be some sort of resource to deal with these assholes – I mean take them out forever before they destroy another life. I can’t help but think that 500 years ago they would have been dealt with in a final manner and they would not have passed on their genes to fuck up so many other people. Okay, forget I said that. You know what I mean 🙂

      Interesting how your Narc continued to feed off of you even after he had a new supply of the Happy Narc Juice. That’s a hard-core addict right there!

      Nothing wrong with buying flowers and chocolate for yourself any day of the week – this Holiday is all about consumerism anyway – real Romantic Love treats every day like V-day.

      • Just Me With . . .

        February 15, 2013 at 7:03 pm

        Looking back I think that he continued to feed off of me because his Narc Juice was not local. She hadn’t moved to our area yet but was supplying him with financial support. He still needed someone around. Now he has someone else, local, and that’s good.

      • Sofia Leo

        February 15, 2013 at 8:57 pm

        Ah! That explains it! Gotta have it fresh and live 🙂 May M move on as easily. And soon…


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