Limited Contact

10 Feb

I need to go out to M’s house to shear the bunnies this week. I e-mailed him to make sure tomorrow would work with his schedule (he is doing some work for a friend and might not be there at all, or he might have visitors, who knows? I sure don’t want to show up there and have to pretend that we’re all happy and “normal.”)

He sent me some notes yesterday about his depression and choice to start taking some anti-depressants, which he refused to do in the past year because of the long list of side effects – he would rather be in pain than risk hurting his liver or kidneys, even though the doctors have proclaimed him very healthy for his age and after all of his injuries. There was some sob story about hurting himself because the pills make him feel “even” –

You may remember they were prescribed for chronic pain by the nurse practitioner and the spine doctor in E– last fall also said he would have prescribed the same thing for the same reason. Well, it turns out, they are not at all like taking a narcotic and do not actually relieve pain, but smooth out the edges of everything, pain, mood (attitude!). I would not say they make me feel “good”, more like “even”. I did overwork my back one day [working on a boat], so apparently I felt “good” enough to do that 😉
I also touched my hand with the belt sander in a moment of distraction. I don’t know if that was the drugs or just my unhappiness but now I’m very wary of power tools. Always have had a paranoia about them anyway.

I love you so very much. I always have and am sorry for treating you so badly. I suspect you think this is just grief talking. There is a good bit of grief and sorrow, for sure but also a new awakening.

And my response –

“Even” is all most of us get. Be careful with the tools and don’t work yourself into more injuries.

We are both to blame for where we ended up. I hope you don’t think I blame you 100% for our relationship exploding – I played my part, too.

Sabu and I have been visiting local dog parks looking for a dog she can play safely with. We found two boy Huskies that like to run and wrestle and she is turning into a much calmer, well-mannered dog, but also getting very dirty.

Will Monday work to bring out some bunny food and check the condition of their fluff? I have Monday, Wednesday and Friday off next week, so any of those days will work for me.

And then he got desperate –

I hope with all my heart we have not ended. Is that how you feel?

Would you mind calling me? I need to hear your voice.

But I had already signed off the computer 🙂

Well, you must realize I have not felt even for some time. Mostly it’s felt like being run over by a runaway train. I woke up in the middle of the night with one or the other of my legs in a spasm that shook the bed so hard, I was afraid you’d wake. It hurt so bad all I could do was whimper like the dog. My arms fell asleep and felt like pins and needles, which also woke me. Then I’d lay there all night waiting for morning and get up more tired than when I went to bed. For the last two years everyday has been a struggle to keep a cheerful face when every bone in my body hurt. Maybe longer than that – it began the winter I couldn’t raise my arms and you had to help me dress. Thank goodness that passed! Last summer when they gave me steroids, it was a shock to not feel pain for a week. Forgot what it was like.

Oooohhhhh! Pity Party time! Too bad there was no one there to hear his whining…

And then –

I’m working all day Monday with B, so if you want to avoid seeing me here, maybe you should come then. I’ll be gone by 9.

That works just fine for me, but sooner or later I have to see him face-to-face and prove to myself that it’s over for good, so I replied –

The feed store doesn’t even open until 10:00 🙂 I’ll pick up bunny food and hay and then come out. After I take care of the buns I’ll come down to B’s boat and visit for awhile – which dock is he on?

A public place with others in attendance should be safe enough. He will be in the middle of a project and I can leave any time I want to.

And this just in, part of a logistical note –

You know, you can come here any time, you don’t need to ask. It’s your house.

Really? It sure wasn’t my house when he bought it without telling me. It wasn’t my house when he wanted me to pay half of his purchase price just a couple of months ago so that we would be “equally invested.” It’s not my decision to stay or sell, nor can I even paint the walls unless he approves the color. My stuff takes up “his” space. Nothing that I did met with is approval, so where does he come off saying that it’s “my house?” Although it certainly was “mine” enough to pay the property taxes. What a load.

I plan to fill my car with books and try to remain civil until I can find a new home for the bunnies. I am feeling surprisingly neutral about this visit. Like I’m going to see a relative that I don’t know very well. There is no anxiety or fear at all.

I  know many of you will not approve of me seeing him in person, and I understand your concerns. I totally cut off my first husband, going into hiding with my son and never seeing him again, and that was not a wise decision because the specter of him lived on in my nightmares for many years and even today the occasional bad dream pops up. I think if I had seen him after I’d gained some emotional distance I might have been able to view him as a pathetic asshole instead of the monster he had become by the end of our marriage. I think he would have lost his hold on my psyche much sooner. Sure, the situation with M is different, and I want to make sure it stays that way, with me free to be my Self and him lost in the shadows of my past with no power to hurt me.



Posted by on February 10, 2013 in Digging Out, Emotional Abuse, Narcissist


Tags: ,

20 responses to “Limited Contact

  1. behindthemaskofabuse

    February 10, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    I’m wondering if you’re feeling numb somewhat of a survival mode until this is really done? I wish you all the best, you know what you need to do to get closure, I’m glad you’re doing it in a public place so you’ll be safe. ((hugs)) xo

    • Sofia Leo

      February 11, 2013 at 9:53 pm

      Not sure I’m numb any more. I was at first, to be sure, but now I feel like I’m finally alive again, after years of running every thought through the M-Filter and coming up lacking each time. Every part of my life is coming up roses poppies these days and it sure feels real.

  2. JackieP

    February 10, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    We all need to deal with narcs different. If you are sure you are strong enough then meet him face to face. But I warn you he is going to take all this and twist it. He will begin to think and act like you want to come back. He will try to put more pressure on any way he can to get you to come back. He will think you want to but don’t know how to do it yet. That’s just they way they think. I couldn’t even talk to my mother in law after I left my ex. Every time I did and he found out he would show up at my door because he took this as a sign I wanted him back. I had to break off all contact with my MIL and she was a good lady. I hope it goes well, but I have my doubts. Good luck and may love and light keep you safe.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 11, 2013 at 9:51 pm

      I’m braced for fallout from this meeting, believe me. So far he has not called or sent a message, but then again I turned my phone off and logged out of my e-mail, so who knows? Wait. Who cares? 🙂

  3. Melanie

    February 10, 2013 at 5:19 pm

    You’re doing ok. You do what you feel you need to do, and you are the one who knows best.

  4. Not Quite Alice

    February 10, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    Be strong. You can do it. I know you can, you are awesome! I have faith that you will do it and be ok.

  5. Jenny

    February 10, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    You can do it BUT….Do not let your guard down at all because he will use it against you !! He
    is doing the pity party to try and win you back, he wants to play on your emotions, he has not gotten to the mad as hell she ditched me stage yet

    • Sofia Leo

      February 11, 2013 at 9:47 pm

      You’re right, and I haven’t forgotten Mr. Hyde. I expect he will be showing up any day now. I’m ready for him!

  6. Goddess

    February 10, 2013 at 10:23 pm

    I think seeing him in person could be a good thing. Remain indifferent to him. Short yes, no answers. No explaining yourself to him. Be happy and glad that you’re moving on with your life. Stay strong! Don’t let your guard down for one second. Remember who and what he is.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 11, 2013 at 9:46 pm

      I will never forget!

  7. CrazyTragicAlmostMagic

    February 11, 2013 at 4:53 am

    Glad to read that you have the emotional strength to, in a manner, be on the outside looking in. Stay strong and take care of you!

  8. Just Me With . . .

    February 11, 2013 at 5:50 am

    Do what you gotta do. Might I offer a couple of suggestions? Set a timer on your phone to go off so you don’t get sucked into spending too much time, or better yet, have someone call you at a certain time. Contact with someone else may keep you grounded. Also, it shows him that he is not the sole focus of all of your thoughts. It’ll break the spell. I also suggest that you don’t sit. Ultimately, you are taking back control, right now comfort is secondary. I understand that looking at him may help in that he keeps the idea or fear of him from getting out of hand, so I suggest looking at him and then looking away and refusing to make further eye contact during your visit. Sunglasses might help. Or, stare him down without immediately responding to whatever he says, like you are looking at an odd scientific specimen. Also, asking him to repeat whatever he says may be helpful, saying, “I’m sorry, what?” And when your visit is over, plan to walk away without looking back. The loose ends don’t have to be all settled in one day, remember.

    Remember your words, “Okay, well, I gotta go.”

    Good luck.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 11, 2013 at 9:46 pm

      I took your advice pretty much down to the letter and it went perfectly. I’m sure it hurt him that I didn’t look back – that was priceless! This particular loose end has been tied up – there is nothing left for me with him, just some Stuff, and I’m ready to let that go, too. Thanks for coming along for the ride.

  9. notyourvictim

    February 11, 2013 at 6:17 pm

    Something’s striking me as BS with the antidepressants, those things take a couple weeks before they build up a blood level and start to work. People who claim they notice a change immediately are generally lying (depending on the pill.) I’d look it up.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 11, 2013 at 9:42 pm

      Exactly! He says he took them a year or so ago and they made him feel crazy and see things, but I was living with him at the time and I never noticed a change. You would think that a partner might mention that they were taking mind-altering drugs at some time before or during the course, but he only told me weeks after (he says) he quit taking them. That’s some awesome communication right there!

  10. Jenny

    February 12, 2013 at 9:33 am

    I’m so glad you ditched M, he’s got some real issues and needs to take care of himself and YOU are not his babysitter nor his nurse and deserve better. I’ll be glad when you get all your stuff and find a new home for the bunnies with someone that spins the hair to yarn so you can be totally free from this jerk!!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 11:17 am

      You said it, Sister! I raised my boy and I am so done with male children keeping me away from all the Fun Stuff that’s out there waiting for me 🙂


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