I need to go out to M’s house to shear the bunnies this week. I e-mailed him to make sure tomorrow would work with his schedule (he is doing some work for a friend and might not be there at all, or he might have visitors, who knows? I sure don’t want to show up there and have to pretend that we’re all happy and “normal.”)
He sent me some notes yesterday about his depression and choice to start taking some anti-depressants, which he refused to do in the past year because of the long list of side effects – he would rather be in pain than risk hurting his liver or kidneys, even though the doctors have proclaimed him very healthy for his age and after all of his injuries. There was some sob story about hurting himself because the pills make him feel “even” –
You may remember they were prescribed for chronic pain by the nurse practitioner and the spine doctor in E– last fall also said he would have prescribed the same thing for the same reason. Well, it turns out, they are not at all like taking a narcotic and do not actually relieve pain, but smooth out the edges of everything, pain, mood (attitude!). I would not say they make me feel “good”, more like “even”. I did overwork my back one day [working on a boat], so apparently I felt “good” enough to do that 😉
I also touched my hand with the belt sander in a moment of distraction. I don’t know if that was the drugs or just my unhappiness but now I’m very wary of power tools. Always have had a paranoia about them anyway.
I love you so very much. I always have and am sorry for treating you so badly. I suspect you think this is just grief talking. There is a good bit of grief and sorrow, for sure but also a new awakening.
And my response –
“Even” is all most of us get. Be careful with the tools and don’t work yourself into more injuries.
We are both to blame for where we ended up. I hope you don’t think I blame you 100% for our relationship exploding – I played my part, too.
Sabu and I have been visiting local dog parks looking for a dog she can play safely with. We found two boy Huskies that like to run and wrestle and she is turning into a much calmer, well-mannered dog, but also getting very dirty.
Will Monday work to bring out some bunny food and check the condition of their fluff? I have Monday, Wednesday and Friday off next week, so any of those days will work for me.
And then he got desperate –
I hope with all my heart we have not ended. Is that how you feel?
Would you mind calling me? I need to hear your voice.
But I had already signed off the computer 🙂
Well, you must realize I have not felt even for some time. Mostly it’s felt like being run over by a runaway train. I woke up in the middle of the night with one or the other of my legs in a spasm that shook the bed so hard, I was afraid you’d wake. It hurt so bad all I could do was whimper like the dog. My arms fell asleep and felt like pins and needles, which also woke me. Then I’d lay there all night waiting for morning and get up more tired than when I went to bed. For the last two years everyday has been a struggle to keep a cheerful face when every bone in my body hurt. Maybe longer than that – it began the winter I couldn’t raise my arms and you had to help me dress. Thank goodness that passed! Last summer when they gave me steroids, it was a shock to not feel pain for a week. Forgot what it was like.
Oooohhhhh! Pity Party time! Too bad there was no one there to hear his whining…
And then –
I’m working all day Monday with B, so if you want to avoid seeing me here, maybe you should come then. I’ll be gone by 9.
That works just fine for me, but sooner or later I have to see him face-to-face and prove to myself that it’s over for good, so I replied –
The feed store doesn’t even open until 10:00 🙂 I’ll pick up bunny food and hay and then come out. After I take care of the buns I’ll come down to B’s boat and visit for awhile – which dock is he on?
A public place with others in attendance should be safe enough. He will be in the middle of a project and I can leave any time I want to.
And this just in, part of a logistical note –
You know, you can come here any time, you don’t need to ask. It’s your house.
Really? It sure wasn’t my house when he bought it without telling me. It wasn’t my house when he wanted me to pay half of his purchase price just a couple of months ago so that we would be “equally invested.” It’s not my decision to stay or sell, nor can I even paint the walls unless he approves the color. My stuff takes up “his” space. Nothing that I did met with is approval, so where does he come off saying that it’s “my house?” Although it certainly was “mine” enough to pay the property taxes. What a load.
I plan to fill my car with books and try to remain civil until I can find a new home for the bunnies. I am feeling surprisingly neutral about this visit. Like I’m going to see a relative that I don’t know very well. There is no anxiety or fear at all.
I know many of you will not approve of me seeing him in person, and I understand your concerns. I totally cut off my first husband, going into hiding with my son and never seeing him again, and that was not a wise decision because the specter of him lived on in my nightmares for many years and even today the occasional bad dream pops up. I think if I had seen him after I’d gained some emotional distance I might have been able to view him as a pathetic asshole instead of the monster he had become by the end of our marriage. I think he would have lost his hold on my psyche much sooner. Sure, the situation with M is different, and I want to make sure it stays that way, with me free to be my Self and him lost in the shadows of my past with no power to hurt me.