He Wants Counseling!

07 Feb

Counseling! This just in:

I talked with B last night. He says he knows a 70 year old woman in [a town 45 minutes North of here] who is an excellent marriage counselor. He and his wife saw her about eight years ago when he says their marriage was on the rocks. He says she is especially insightful (his description). In the intervening years she spent five on an air force base in California counseling returning vets with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Now she’s back.

As B pointed out, there are problems people have they can’t solve themselves. He was particularly reluctant because his religion teaches that problems can be solved with prayer, but they apparently learned a lot and came out good.

I am willing to do anything it takes to fix us. Anything. I love you and wish to spend the rest of my life with you. I believe with all my heart we are good for each other and can make it work.

Srsly? We’ve had the counseling talk before – M said that he and his ex went but it “didn’t do any good,” they just never could learn to communicate. She was stubborn and passive/aggressive and his big heart just couldn’t bear to be in a relationship where his partner was so ambivalent about him. I can say now that she was probably shut down emotionally from all his abuse (as I shut down) and was not interested in continuing being tortured, so, duh, counseling wouldn’t help.

I can see it all now – he plays the sensitive, traumatized man who regrets his actions and promises never to sin against me again while in the therapist’s office and things at home would continue to be the same, maybe with more days between blow-ups, but nothing essential would change. He would sound totally logical and concerned only forΒ  my well-being, his whole life devoted to my happiness and he doesn’t know where it went wrong. Anything out of my mouth would be exaggerations, lies, misunderstandings, etc. that he would explain away with a chuckle and a conspiratorial wink at the therapist. And what does her age have to do with anything?

Also, where would the money come from to pay for all this therapy? Isn’t he broke? Doesn’t have a cent to his name? Gonna be living under a bridge any day now?

I call Bull Shit!


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42 responses to “He Wants Counseling!

  1. Bethany

    February 7, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    Counseling is just a ploy to rope you in. You are 100% right to call BULLSHIT! I fell for that one 😦 learn from my mistake πŸ™‚

  2. JackieP

    February 7, 2013 at 6:51 pm

    bullshit for sure! I told you he would bring everything and anything. He is so damn obvious.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 7, 2013 at 7:29 pm

      Exactly! T-E-X-T-B-O-O-K! Not even original. Not even something a little out of the ordinary. Sigh. Boring…

      • JackieP

        February 7, 2013 at 7:45 pm


  3. Jenny

    February 7, 2013 at 6:52 pm

    There is a term for this , The Honeymoon stage… does not last…He’s begging because he is losing his control over you….it’s over , do not waste your time on him. You have already found out how nice it can be by yourself, who would want to go back stay clear of him trying to be nice,,,it’s a trap!.
    My X husbands wife ( the one he cheated on me with) thinks I want my X hubby back….HELLO??? What part of this person who shredded me every chance he got and did not respect me do I want back ….Hell no !! No way in hell do I want him back when I have someone 100% better in my life LOL. Maybe she’s trying to get rid of him? LOL After all he started treating her the same way he treated me…KARMA

    • Sofia Leo

      February 7, 2013 at 7:28 pm

      The Honeymoon stage was over long ago, unless you mean the honeymoon stage me and Towanda are having πŸ™‚

      I’m not going back. Not for a million bucks and all the chocolate I can carry!

  4. GoddessWife

    February 7, 2013 at 7:00 pm

    I’m calling Bullshit with you. They never stop. My can’t-wait-to-make-him-my-ex tried to rope me in a few weeks ago with a possible cancer story. I still laugh about that one.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 7, 2013 at 7:27 pm

      Didn’t work for you, won’t work for me either – that shit just stinks too much!

      • Bethany

        February 7, 2013 at 8:35 pm

        Mine had the nurse call me from the ER and let me know that he had tried to commit suicide. I said that I was sorry he failed and hung up the phone!

      • Sofia Leo

        February 7, 2013 at 8:37 pm

        Ouch! Did he finally get the message that you weren’t coming back at that point?

      • Bethany

        February 7, 2013 at 8:50 pm

        NO!! He still tries about once a month or so to convince me to come back…I’m standing strong though, he won’t ware me down!

      • Sofia Leo

        February 8, 2013 at 7:43 pm

        Me, neither! Poor man is helpless without me, boo-fucking-hoo!

  5. Paula

    February 7, 2013 at 7:14 pm

    Let him go by himself. He’ll end up doing what my ex did and just complain about you and get the counselor to pity him and convince her that you’re the one with a disorder. Maybe you’ll get crowned with borderline personality disorder or bi-polar disorder like me. I’ve been meaning to make myself a t-shirt with something like this on it:

    “Why waste your money on a shrink to diagnose you when you can send your sociopathic partner in your place.” #evenpsychiatristsarefooled #hoponthecrazytrainexpress


    • Sofia Leo

      February 7, 2013 at 7:27 pm

      Oooohhhh…I’ll get to wear a tiara?

  6. behindthemaskofabuse

    February 7, 2013 at 7:17 pm

    He’s full of shit, if he found an excellent therapist then why doesn’t he go himself and work on himself??

    • Sofia Leo

      February 7, 2013 at 7:25 pm

      You make a good point. I’ve already told him that I don’t want to work on my issues while living in the same house with his issues. At the moment I’m working on growing a backbone and I don’t need therapy sessions undermining my goals!

      • behindthemaskofabuse

        February 7, 2013 at 7:41 pm

        exactly he has to start with himself before he could even begin to think about couples and that option is already closed to him, and why didn’t he do this before it got so bad? he’s such a liar.
        good for for not buying into it!! xo

  7. JackieP

    February 7, 2013 at 7:23 pm

    quick question though it probably isn’t any of my business. Why did you talk to him? You shouldn’t, or as little as possible. It just gives him more thoughts that you really don’t mean what you are doing. and that he has a chance to get you back.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 7, 2013 at 7:24 pm

      I didn’t talk to him – he sent me an e-mail which I have not answered. It came in while I was taking a nap πŸ™‚

      • JackieP

        February 7, 2013 at 7:44 pm

        ah sorry, I just don’t want you hurt anymore. If I step over the line just let me know. I’ve been in your situation and I know how they can be. big hugs

      • Sofia Leo

        February 7, 2013 at 7:48 pm

        You didn’t step over any line – didn’t want you all to think I’ve been having conversations behind the blog’s back. The real point was that I was Taking A Nap! He doesn’t believe in naps πŸ™‚

  8. Lee

    February 7, 2013 at 8:25 pm

    Couples counseling does not work when one partner is abusive. In fact, it’s dangerous. If the victimized partner opens up at all during the counseling sessions, the abusive partner will use it against her (or him) afterwards. When I interned at Emerge, I heard about one abusive man who went to couples counseling with his wife. While they were in the counselor’s office he was all sensitivity and understanding about everything his wife said during the session. On the drive home, he steered the car with his left hand, and with his right hand grabbed his wife by her hair and repeatedly banged her head against the dashboard, yelling at her and cussing her out for everything she’d said to the counselor.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 7, 2013 at 8:40 pm

      I totally agree, Lee. I feel like I have a pretty good handle on what is going on and he is not really interested in changing anything or he would have sought help years ago, whether or not I participated.

      I feel so bad for the woman you mentioned – how awful to think that you are working with your spouse to make your life better and then get battered as a “reward” for telling the truth. Narcs suck!

  9. Awana

    February 8, 2013 at 12:42 am

    Naps are the greatest thing, and should be entered into with complete abandon. yeah, I remember the “you’re always tired” nasty commnets. Yeah, so sorry about the poor woman in the car–I got a little of that, too,verbally–but, it means you never go out again–BS is right!!!!!!! You are all right–don’t fall for it. I can see the twists and turns already. I hope you went on and enjoyed a fantastic day!!!!

    Srsly??? MARRIAGE counseling?

    • Sofia Leo

      February 8, 2013 at 7:45 pm

      I know, right? He needs counseling, that’s a fact, but I don’t want to be around while he works out his issues, and I don’t have to be – his problems are HIS and it’s MY choice whether or not to be there to witness his “transformation.” I choose to transform myself πŸ™‚

  10. notyourvictim

    February 8, 2013 at 5:11 am

    Wow. That was triggering to me because it was THAT familiar. They need to re-write their handbook.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 8, 2013 at 7:46 pm

      Why bother? The current handbook has worked for centuries and will continue to work so long as there are willing (and not so willing) victims.

  11. Melanie

    February 8, 2013 at 5:20 am

    He is willing to do anything it takes: lie, manipulate, cheat, deceive, coerce, stalk, and harass.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 8, 2013 at 7:46 pm

      LOL! You hit that nail on the head!

  12. Not Quite Alice

    February 8, 2013 at 5:26 pm

    He needed it a while ago. Don’t believe him. You’re doing great hun!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 8, 2013 at 7:47 pm

      Thanks! I feel great and can’t imagine going back to that horrible place with him. Freedom tastes so sweet!

      • Not Quite Alice

        February 8, 2013 at 8:19 pm

        I’m so happy for you. And each time you show how you’re happier it’s so great!

      • Sofia Leo

        February 8, 2013 at 9:47 pm

        Thank you! Still looking for the downside. I need to get a new mattress for my fold-out couch, one of those memory foam ones, but so far that’s all I got on the “con” side of my new lifestyle.

      • Not Quite Alice

        February 9, 2013 at 8:47 am

        Thats not bad at all! Looks like life is going good for you so far. πŸ™‚

      • Sofia Leo

        February 9, 2013 at 8:45 pm

        If the sun would come out, life would be perfect πŸ™‚

      • Not Quite Alice

        February 10, 2013 at 3:55 pm

        πŸ˜€ Can’t ask for too much more.

  13. H. Stern

    February 9, 2013 at 6:09 pm

    So, I was all ready to be like, “HEY MAN! Counseling WORKS!” because I’m an asshole and have no idea about you or your specific situation, but reading the comments seems to suggest that you were in an abusive relationship with a piece of shit.

    Yeah, for what it’s worth, fuck every last second of that. Spend your money on a nice trip, or your dog. You’ll never regret either one of those decisions.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 9, 2013 at 8:39 pm

      Counseling does work, but not when it’s a tool used to abuse another person. He needs to get some counseling on his own – I am F-I-N-E. Still pissed off, but just fine. I know who I am and how to treat others – the evidence is clearly reinforced by the comments I get every day. Sure, I have boundary issues, but I plan to manage them by not letting any man closer than 5 feet from me, which I reckon is outside the Narc Zone πŸ™‚

  14. El Guapo

    February 12, 2013 at 10:30 am

    I don’t think you should be there with him, but yes, he should definitely go to counseling.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 13, 2013 at 11:22 am

      The sooner the better. A disinterested third party might be able to convince him that I am gone forever πŸ™‚


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