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All is well

03 Feb

The past few days have been very busy in all the best ways. I apologize for letting the blog languish. Since I don’t believe in football and the associated rituals surrounding it, I will use my time more wisely and get you all up to speed. This will be long – you have been warned πŸ˜€

When last I was here, my new desk was assembled and ready for Real Work. That was Thursday. I worked on Friday and also prepared for the annual Fiber Fest here in town that my fiber guild sponsors. The Guild only meets on the third Saturday of the month and I’ve been working Saturdays for months now, so I felt quite out of touch.

I borrowed Awana’s van to haul my borrowed table and bins of Fiber Stuff (I will eventually link to my other blogs, but today is not that day) to the event site. Poor Awana had to put up with me driving her around and stranding her without transportation while she worked or slept. I owe her a nice meal when she’s off work πŸ™‚

Everyone still recognized me at the event and I made some very valuable connections while there. I told anyone who would listen that I had shed the bullshit from my life and would be back into my role in the fiber community starting today. It felt great!

I was exhausted, but thrilled to be out with my people once more. M did not call or e-mail me and I found I thought about him very little except to think, “M would hate that I’m having such a good time without him. Too bad!” or, “Bummer M wasn’t as devoted to me as these other husbands are to their wives – looks like they’re having a really good time…” But it was not painful at all.

I found myself composing an e-mail to M in my head last night and this morning and fired this off while at work in response to his note from Thursday

You are forgetting all the times you told me to “get over all the shit that men” have done to me, that you are tired of paying the price for what someone else did, and yet you are blaming your behavior on things that a child did to make you angry. I understand that you have not spent much time around children, but you were one yourself once and surely can remember what it was like to be turning into a man and to be confused and angry when you didn’t get your way. You struggled with your place in the world and how to relate to the men around you and should have had a better understanding of how to communicate with a man/child, or to have been at least open to alternate methods. You refused to believe that there was any way but your own way – you are older and wiser and I better just shut up and adhere to your philosophy in order to make my life better. You were doing it all for ME and I should be more appreciative of your efforts. The problem with that thinking is that you can’t do something for someone while creating chaos and then demand thanks.

You blame my family’s facial expressions on your anger yet you do not accept that you yourself can be very threatening when you want to be – “if I can’t have respect, fear will work just as well.” You know it’s a trigger for me. I have begged you to stop shouting, I have explained in detail how it hurts me and still you yell, stand over me, demand that I use the right words, start circular arguments, change the subject and hammer away until I just don’t care what my original opinion was – it’s so much easier to agree with whatever you want and that does us both harm.

I applauded your habit of standing up for yourself when you felt you were being abused and I still do. What I did not anticipate was how it would feel when it was turned towards me. I thought we were two against the world, but it turns out that it’s you against the world and woe to anyone who dares to stand in your way or try to express a differing opinion. A person in an intimate relationship should not have to “defend” their point of view in the way you always want me to defend mine – this is not a war, we should not be drawing up battle lines over shit like menus, grocery lists, vacuuming, or who drives on long trips. It’s absurd. I think it really bothers you that I won’t play and that I think it’s stupid to get so upset over “language” and countless other things that have caused you to lose your temper.

You have asked me time and again to help you understand and control your anger while you step on my hot buttons over and over for no apparent reason. Maybe to make me feel as bad as you feel? I gotcha beat in that department – you wear your scars on the outside, I wear mine on the inside. Which are worse? Who can say. What matters is that we can’t go on beating each other into a (figuratively) bloody pulp in the name of healing our own demons.

The final straw for me was finding out about Elena and Deb. I confronted you and you lied. And then you lied some more. You de-friended Elena on FB, but you continued to e-mail Deb. I asked you on three separate occasions if you were in contact with old lovers and you lied each time, asserting your innocence while accusing me of carrying on internet romances. I told you that you could look at my e-mail any time you wanted to – my passwords are all remembered on my computer for you to see at any time. You changed your passwords. These are not the actions of a faithful man – I know because I’ve already been here. So you are offering words of comfort to Deb because you “feel bad” about shit that happened 40 years ago while you yell at me every day and treat me like shit. How many women will put up with that? If our positions were reversed you would be purple with anger and would not believe that it was in any way “innocent” or that I “owed” a former lover anything at all. The way you ask me if I’m fucking every man whose name I mention is particularly vile. It’s also unwarranted and uncalled for. You’re a hypocrite.

As soon as one of us thinks, “I can’t do that because s/he won’t want to do it or won’t like it, but I really enjoy it or want to do it badly,” we become slaves to one another in the most horrible way and I can’t live walking on eggshells any more, not doing anything because I fear you will react in a negative way to it. I hope you don’t do it consciously because that would make you a monster and I want to believe the best in people – it that makes me a Pollyanna, so be it.

I think I have a pretty good handle on your psychology [I have not yet told him that I suspect he suffers from Narcissistic Personality Disorder] and how I make it worse by allowing you to trample all over my boundaries – it does neither of us any good and it does me a great deal of psychic harm. I feel like all of those parts that make me ME are missing, like I’m a hollow shell that used to know how to be happy, used to know how to do fun and interesting stuff, but those things are gone and I need to find myself again before I go totally crazy.

I’m 43 years old and constantly feel like a naughty child. “What would Michael say about that? Is that a “responsible” thing to do according to Michael? Better not be friendly with her – Michael wouldn’t like her…” And on and on. I have no personal opinions – everything is filtered thru what you might think and that’s just not right.

I need this time and this space to sort out what’s left of ME without you telling me what I should think, do, be, how I hurt you and make our relationship worse. I appreciate your giving me that space.

I feel like there’s unfinished business here and I needed a record that he could refer back to in the future that was irrefutable – e-mail can’t lie πŸ™‚ It felt good to get it off my chest at last, to lay out exactly what a dick he is and that I won’t take it any more.

He responded within the hour (he has his status hidden on Gmail {as do I} so I never know when he’s online – another way he can sit in ambush on me) my comments in italics

I can’t deny anything you’ve said. I have had a very different perspective on some of it [duh], yet you are right again that I don’t listen to yours very well. I’ve blamed you for a long time for keeping silent, keeping things to yourself. This is probably my most heated hot spot, so a lot of my anger with you has been about that, never mind the circumstance (or consequences). Often I thought if I waited long enough, you would respond to my tirades, not being sensitive enough to see that I’d intimidated you. [Bullshit! I said out loud that he intimidates me and that shutting down and shuttingΒ  him out was my defense. I gave him the keys to my baggage and he squashed me for it.]

I can just imagine my face when I’m angry. I probably spit flames. I’ve let it get all out of control with no boundaries. It’s ridiculous the stupid things I rant about, especially lately. I am soooooo sorry to have run all over you like I have, you deserve better. In fact, you don’t deserve any of that shit. And I am a stupid man for letting petty stuff take over my life. I haven’t forgotten the insensitive things I’ve said and I am ashamed. [Whatever. Doesn’t change a thing]
H did know how to push my buttons and took some pleasure in doing so – he confessed as much at Thanksgiving to me [really? they weren’t alone for such a confession to have taken place…] with a little smirk on his face that actually made me smile because he has changed so much. I can’t hold any grudges against him, I was the adult. Kind of got dropped in the hot seat with a teen and didn’t handle it very well.

I’m ashamed also about keeping secrets – I’ve often accused you (because of your silences) of keeping secrets and lying to me by “omission”, which now seems idiotic. I guess I was getting even [For what? Having an emotional affair as revenge for what? I did nothing to warrant that kind of treatment and I resent the implication that I did.] or something because I felt very lonely when you wouldn’t talk to me. No need for you to explain that now. Where I thought you were trying to “get to me”, you were actually escaping from me. I have no interest in any woman but you. Looking for affirmation from others has become a pattern, haven’t felt very good about myself for a while. Once again you are right about only seeing the downside. It’s time to look up and as you always say, get over it. [I NEVER tell anyone to “get over” anything because it’s insulting. I have said “let it go” or “relax, there’s nothing you can do about that right now,” but never Get Over It]

Things have changed a lot in the last two weeks. My eyes are open. My ego is not my master today. I feel humble, chagrined, chastised. You have made all of your points. I would welcome the chance to prove it to you, but understand completely how you must feel. In past arguments, when I felt you weren’t “engaging” I often felt defeated, which might surprise you. I would stew over that for a few days, then open the topic again. Don’t know what I expect by that. Like opening an old wound. Looking at some of the stuff I’ve pressed as so important, I realize a lot of it is not even relevant. Do you remember in the movie about the billionaire, when his empire was collapsing and he sat in his room and bitched about turning off the lights and closing the doors? [The Queen of Versailles if you’re interested – it’s free for streaming on Netflix. A good example of Privileged America crashing back to the ground.] I saw myself and felt pretty damn stupid. [Srsly? Dude is a total asshole and you actually recognized yourself?] I looked at you to see if you might give me an accusing look, but if you saw the parallel, you were gracious enough to not show it. [Duh. What would that have gotten me?]

In the week before I left [for Up North], I’d already come to some of these conclusions and realized I’d let you down time and again. I’d resolved to improve, mostly to understand all the rage and lack of trust on my part that was destroying us. But as you have said, my promises were empty. My resolve was too late. I assure you with all my heart, it’s all different now. I am blaming no one but myself. I’ve been a fool to drive you away, your happiness is everything to me. I can’t even understand how I thought forcing my ideas on you would accomplish that. I don’t necessarily want to battle the world, but you and I are a team in my mind, no doubt. I feel I’ve lost half of myself. I love the woman you are, not someone I want you to be. You are an incredible person, I’m sorry I ever made you feel otherwise.

That last paragraph is so ripe I can barely see the words. He sent another note later detailing what he did around the house today and that if he would have just done some of the things he was always harping on me about he would have felt so much better so much sooner and maybe I wouldn’t have felt so much pressure, blah, blah, blah. The last paragraph –

I also wanted you to know that when I sent the note you responded to today, I was not trying to make excuses, but tell you some of how I think I got in such a bad spot. I fully realize I made a cascade of mistakes and basically put myself here. Thank you for writing, that was very good stuff.

Sounded like a whole bunch of excuses to me. Whatever. I have turned off my phone and will log out of my Gmail in just a few minutes. I refuse to communicate with him on his terms and will let him stew for a few days before I make arrangements to take the rabbits more food and pick up some boxes. He says he’s throwing stuff out “like crazy” and it Feels So Good. I’m throwing things out, too – the baggage he saddled me with all those years ago and has been piling higher and higher.

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21 Comments

Posted by on February 3, 2013 in Digging Out, I totally Rock!, Narcissist

 

Tags: , ,

21 responses to “All is well

  1. JackieP

    February 3, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    Well he certainly is full of it…..excuses or whatever. Sounds like my ex. Know what I told him? I told mine that all that he told me is great. I’m so glad he is a changed man and maybe when he gets it all together he will make some woman happy, it just wasn’t going to be me. He is trying to reel you back for sure. But still under his terms. See how changed I am? See how things were beyond my control?? See how I was not completely responsible for the things I did? I swear, they never change, just their excuses. I will be so happy for you when you can finally cut off any and all contact. Till then he will keep trying to get you back. You been there before, you don’t need it again. Stay strong, stay happy. Sending light and love.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      February 5, 2013 at 4:38 pm

      You got it right, Jackie! He swears he has had an epiphany, blah, blah, blah. Truth is, my life is pretty damned great right now. I look good without him and won’t be drawn back in to his web of lies.

       
      • JackieP

        February 5, 2013 at 6:16 pm

        good for you! πŸ™‚

         
  2. Awana

    February 4, 2013 at 1:17 am

    Happy to oblige! Sophia needed a project, and I am it. I have no problem being pushed and prodded into action! She has a lot to give and to teach. Encouragement workes in mysterious ways…!

     
  3. Janine

    February 4, 2013 at 8:50 am

    Wow, that is an awesome letter to him! I swear it is exactly the things I think of telling my ex, but I (besides having a order of protection against him and don’t communicate with him at this point) gave up trying to defend my side because it was always so circular with his excuses. The war analogy, so perfect. You are so strong, so right and so free! I am so happy for you!

     
  4. Bethany

    February 4, 2013 at 8:53 am

    Keep up the good work πŸ™‚ That email would have drawn you in a year ago. I am proud of you!

     
  5. Jenny

    February 4, 2013 at 8:59 am

    I think you need to advertize a new home for the bunnies so you cut all ties with M, he’s not going to change. My X started treating his mistress ( and now married to her) like how he treated me. I did not realize it till one day I dropped off my daughter to his apt and I could hear him yelling at her thru the door the way he used to treat me and I realized……it’s HIM, not ME that had the bad attitude or wrong all the time, he was always twisting things to make me look bad . and I am FINALLY FREE of that behavior!!! Now when I see him years later he is kinder to me but seems afraid to talk to me so I wonder if he finally figured out I wasn’t the crazy one , the one he is married to now is!! Karma!! I remarried and doing so much better…I just grin now knowing my life is so much better now…Love it!! Best Revenge I ever got……let HER keep HIM πŸ™‚

     
    • notyourvictim

      February 4, 2013 at 4:16 pm

      I agree with Jenny. The girl before me supported me during my escape from TheEx, as I supported the girl after me and the girl after her (who found out she was pregnant, went back to him and last I heard had a restraining order against him. There are 5 of us that keep in sporadic touch, checking in with one another especially when the PTSD or whatever gets bad. We refer to ourselves as the “I Survived [TheEx] Club.” The timelines and stories are nearly identical. These guys don’t change.

       
    • Sofia Leo

      February 5, 2013 at 4:34 pm

      I’ve put the word out that the bunnies need a new home, but so far no takers. I’ve jumped back into the fiber community and hopefully the right person will get wind of this offer and give them a good home.

       
  6. behindthemaskofabuse

    February 4, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    i’m so glad you’re not buying his crap!!

     
  7. Lee

    February 4, 2013 at 6:35 pm

    Glad to hear life is getting better and better for you. Soon you’ll get the last of your stuff–especially the bunnies–and then you don’t have to talk to him anymore.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      February 5, 2013 at 4:33 pm

      Won’t be long now…

       
  8. Jenny

    February 5, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Divorcing the X was the best thing I ever did, found some old court papers while I was cleaning out my art closet last night and reread them all and could not believe what an Ass my X was when I was trying to get my divorce and sole custody of my kids. The lawyers both HIS and mine hated him because he did not want to pay child support half the time, cut my son off and would not visit with him because the son got wise and realized his dad was being a jerk and would not live with him. Why do I keep the papers? Proof I was the sane one and someday the kids will read them and understand how much I fought for my freedom and justice for them. Problem now is they are acting just like him!!! Some day I hope they all grow up!!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      February 5, 2013 at 4:32 pm

      That’s the worst thing about this kind of abuse – we tend to forget, much like the pain of childbirth – hurts like hell, but then it’s over and the pain fades into the background. Until the next time…

      So sorry your kids are such shits.

       
  9. El Guapo

    February 5, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    Sounds like you’re getting him out of your system.
    I hope your closure comes soon.

    I also saw you used a full name for him in the post.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      February 5, 2013 at 1:13 pm

      LOL! I did use his full name, didn’t I? Oops! Guess I should have paid more attention whilst cutting and pasting…No matter – it doesn’t sting any more. I said what I wanted to say and he is being silent as I asked and life is good πŸ™‚

       
      • El Guapo

        February 5, 2013 at 1:14 pm

        Rock on, Sofia!

         
      • Sofia Leo

        February 5, 2013 at 4:31 pm

        πŸ˜€

         

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