A New Message…

30 Jan

Thank you all for confirming my belief that he has not changed (who can completely change their personality in less than a week?!?) and will not change and I am better off without him.

The FOG machine has been rolling on ‘high’ this last week, that little niggling doubt creeping around the edges of my brain, saying, “be reasonable. He never actually laid a hand on you. He has been struggling so much with his own demons – you could be supportive for a while longer, be the bigger person.”

Intellectually I know it’s a lie, but my training at his hands is like a knee jerking under the doctor’s hammer. That is why we stay, why we go back, why we give chance after chance to these losers.

I turned off the computer early last night and missed this from him:

I am completely at your mercy. You know I love you, possibly more than anyone ever has or will. You also know I am sorry to have broken your trust and will do anything to win it back. If you decide to leave me for good, that’s your choice and I will not pursue you. But I believe with all my heart we are soul mates and to lose each other would be the biggest mistake we’ve ever made. I am not pressuring you, only speaking from my heart.

See? We are “soul mates!” He is going to let me be in complete control! No one will ever love me like he does! He is so very sorry and filled with remorse! No pressure…

What a load of crap! Today is a new day and I am not blinded by FOG this morning. I will get whatever I can into Awana’s van and drive away with a clear conscience and a light heart. I will need to go back for the rabbits, but I am confident that they are safe for now and have a much better living situation than I can give them at this point – they are not young and a major change of environment could be disastrous for them. There is a Fiber Event this weekend where I may be able to find someone to take them in, so there’s that.

Now I’m off to spray some lubricant on the black water tank drain valve. I started a new blog, Travels with Towanda and will move the RV living posts over there when I have the time and energy.

Thank you all for your comments and support! If I hadn’t found this online community I’m not sure I would have had the strength to get out. XOXOX to all of you!


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40 responses to “A New Message…

  1. anewfreelife

    January 30, 2013 at 9:52 am

    I’m so glad you are out! I’m so relieved that you feel the support so that you can stay strong. I bristled when I read that he loves you possibly more than anyone has or ever will. What an insidiously evil thing to say! I’m certain others have truly loved you way more and you have much love coming your way in the future. What a jerk! He does not deserve you, and he never did! Hang tight! Hugs!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 9:59 am

      Evil is right. All part of his manipulations. All part of his conditioning of me – I see it so clearly now. Obviously I have issues of my own to work out, boundaries to build, life to live, the chance to be happy without a man to hold me back.

      • anewfreelife

        January 31, 2013 at 10:05 pm

        Enjoy every minute of it! Discovering Sofia. It will be a fun journey, unfolding like a great book. : )

      • Sofia Leo

        January 31, 2013 at 10:25 pm

        You have high expectations! Maybe a small novella with lots of pictures to fill up the space πŸ™‚

  2. behindthemaskofabuse

    January 30, 2013 at 9:54 am

    more than anyone ever has or will?? wow that’s cruel. i’m so glad you’re back to not doubting. keep doing what you’re doing it’s the right thing for you and your sanity! xo

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 9:57 am

      Yeah, right? Does he mean that I am such a loser that no one will ever love me like he does? If so, I say good riddance! I don’t want to be loved the way he claims to love me – no one deserves that!

  3. SwelteringRose

    January 30, 2013 at 9:55 am

    You brave soul! Im still blinded by that FOG machine. 😦 “He has been struggling so much with his own demons – you could be supportive for a while longer, be the bigger person.” >That’s what I tell myself, haha! Good read though, really really loved it!

  4. Jenny

    January 30, 2013 at 9:58 am

    You are going to just love being by yourself, I remember that feeling and it’s so powerful and good and you look forward to each day and it just gets better and better. I had more being by myself than when I was married! I had a nicer home, closer to the kids school, had alot of friends supporting me so I knew I was making the right changes for me and the X was dumbfounded I could survive and do better by myself!!! 29 yrs later I have remarried and have such a better life than before. I cherish each day and wonder how I could have ever lived with such an uncaring person. Just so glad I got out!

  5. lookingforward2012

    January 30, 2013 at 10:05 am

    This bothered me so much about my ex when we divorced. The emails…constant…nonsensical…i’ve changed….blah blah blah…If you love me then SHUT THE HELL UP AND GIVE ME THE SPACE I AM CLEARLY BEGGING FOR!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:38 pm

      If he gave you the space you needed, you would see thru the lies and be gone for good. Obviously that doesn’t fit in with his agenda…

  6. Paula

    January 30, 2013 at 10:06 am

    Same line my X threw at me: “…more than anyone has or ever will.” This statement is meant to give you doubts. To make you question your ability to be loved or find new love because he knows how to love you in ways others can’t. Everyone else has tolerated your chort comings. he challenged you!! BS!! It’s him filling his ego and making himself feel better as he writes. Just as writing heals and comforts us as victims/survivors, it also empowers the abusers and reinforces their sadistic manipulations and agendas. He doesn’t deserve the outlet at your expense. Let him write to someone else. Let him find another to fool, because that’s all he’s doing. Fooling himself and anyone who will listen.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:47 pm

      Bullshit is right – it’s more FOG rollin’ in. If I step back and look at it from a purely clinical standpoint, it’s laughable, really. How can he think I will believe he has made such a profound change in a week? He is insane!

  7. JackieP

    January 30, 2013 at 10:10 am

    The problem with “him struggling so much with his own demons”. They are just that. HIS demons. Not yours. He will never control his demons with you around. He won’t want to. You were a perfect scapegoat. Now you are gone he is forced to deal with it. But he’s not. He’s still trying to rope you back in. Again it is their way of saying everything and anything to get us back. It’s a control thing. He still wants to control you, now with guilty feelings. He knows you have a big heart, he has taken advantage of it before, so he tries once more. I’m glad you see through this. Stay strong! Sending light and love to you.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:48 pm

      You got that right! Why should I waste my life waiting for him to slay his dragons? How does that serve me? And, yes, it’s all about me now πŸ™‚

      • JackieP

        January 31, 2013 at 7:56 am

        It should be all about you! How many years did you give him? Yeah, too many. Now it’s your turn. You deserve to be happy without any guilt. Go for it!

      • Sofia Leo

        January 31, 2013 at 10:07 pm


  8. Bethany

    January 30, 2013 at 11:04 am

    I am so glad that you are seeing through the FOG πŸ™‚ Your word touch me, I know exactly how you feel. I wrote a poem a while back titled In The Desert when I felt like you did last night. I sometimes worry that I over exaggerate what happened and I falsely accuse my abuser, but then I go to my friends like you did and they remind me that it was that bad. After I wrote that poem I wrote An Army of Affirmers. I will post that one today. I am proud to be a part of your army of Affirmers πŸ™‚

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:49 pm

      So glad to have you here in my corner, Bethany! Your poetry is beautiful and very moving.

  9. Melanie

    January 30, 2013 at 11:16 am

    Speaking from his heart my ass; maybe from his black, rotting, zombie corpse of a heart.

    Have you figured out how to block him from emailing after you have your stuff? It’s different for every email provider, and you may have to go through some layers in the Help feature, but you can do it, and you will need to for him (unless you can easily change your email address) because he will not stop until he has you back in his clutches.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:49 pm

      Pretty easy to block him. I already have blocked him on FB…

  10. El Guapo

    January 30, 2013 at 11:51 am

    I hope the fog grows less and less inipid as you get more time away from M.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:51 pm

      From your mouth to God’s ears!

  11. Awana

    January 30, 2013 at 12:08 pm

    Gag…from punching bag to nursemaid…even my mother’s generation knew better…I never saw a widow remarry!!! Does that tell you something?? Gag,gag,gag….I feel it is my role to be pushy; otherwise, I would NEVER say anything to anybody about what to do. Maybe I just feel that this is a true case of someone who should never turn back. When I hear of how little Sophia has gotten out in the world in her life, it makes me sad. She needs those rough edges rounded off! Then, maybe she will get on with cooking that chichen dish I keep hearing about…

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:52 pm

      “Every Southern woman knows the very best thing to be is a widow…” That was the first Awana Quote that I will remember until the day I die πŸ™‚

      Tomorrow is chicken day, tryin’ out the new crock pot while I’m home to monitor it. Recipe to follow πŸ™‚

  12. Nyssa

    January 30, 2013 at 1:44 pm

    He had plenty of time over all these many years to change. If he didn’t do it then, he won’t now.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:53 pm

      A leopard never changes its spots…

  13. Not Quite Alice

    January 30, 2013 at 5:34 pm

    Be strong ! You’re so awesome. I just need to tell you that. You are strong and are doing great!

    Also, made sure I followed your adventures with RVing. πŸ™‚ Can’t wait to see.

  14. GoddessWife

    January 30, 2013 at 6:08 pm

    Holy crap! Am I reading words from my soon to be ex? So glad I found your blog. I plan on pouring through it in the next several days, starting with the Narcissist category. I cracked up at your Narc-B-Gone Facebook page.

    I can agree with this paragraph right here

    “The FOG machine has been rolling on β€˜high’ this last week, that little niggling doubt creeping around the edges of my brain, saying, β€œbe reasonable. He never actually laid a hand on you. He has been struggling so much with his own demons – you could be supportive for a while longer, be the bigger person.”

    Intellectually I know it’s a lie, but my training at his hands is like a knee jerking under the doctor’s hammer. That is why we stay, why we go back, why we give chance after chance to these losers.”

    I’m still struggling with wondering if I’m making the right decision and then I think about all the things he’s said and done. Unfortunately I had his hands put on me not too long ago. I can’t wait to get past this stage. Right now I’m trying to find a way to move through it.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 10:57 pm

      Are you happy? Do you feel fulfilled? Keeping track of the crap on a blog has proven to be very therapeutic for me, finally allowing me to clear a window thru the FOG into reality as the rest of the world knows it. I’m sorry you’re struggling with this crap and I wish you peace and acceptance of what you know your path must now be.

      • GoddessWife

        January 31, 2013 at 5:22 pm

        I wish and long to be happy and fulfilled. Instead I’m bitter and empty. I’ve let him take take take for over a decade. I want to be on the other side so badly.

      • Sofia Leo

        January 31, 2013 at 10:20 pm

        You and me both! We have to have faith that we will soon join all of those who have gone before us and are now living the life they dreamed of. Or go crazy. Or buy a gun. Or a wood chipper… πŸ™‚

  15. Jenny

    February 1, 2013 at 12:33 am

    I’m glad that I can talk here with others, my Mom wants me to keep quiet about how abusive my kids are…just like their Dad & step-Mom but I feel I need to talk to someone about it or go crazy! This has helped me to know I am not the only one who deals with people who try to control us and don’t really give a damn about us they just want us to to be pawns in their horrible games and I do not want to have any part of it anymore. I had to block the kids on FB so they would not go thru my side of the family stalking me because they will not be my friend on FB so they stalk me through my Mom, Sister & friends. They have lied about being bullies and try to turn everything around that I am the stalker…people are sick so I have cut them off and out of my life!!

    • Sofia Leo

      February 1, 2013 at 10:44 am

      The only way to stop abusive people is to out them in public. If society can’t shame them into changing their behavior we will continue to produce these monsters until they are all that remain.

      You can hide your FB posts so that only friends can see them, not friends of friends…

  16. jerkbusters

    April 17, 2013 at 9:18 pm

    Just wanted to let you know I nominated you for Liebster Award (check out my blog for the rules and regs). Enjoy the extra traffic!

    In reading your quotes from the narc, seriously, it’s like they all went to the same school of Narcissistic Dumassery. Same language structure, same ass-kissing, same lying bullshit. I’m glad you got out and that you see him for what he is. Cheers!


    • Sofia Leo

      April 19, 2013 at 9:18 pm

      Thank you for the nomination, Janice! Yes, it does seem that they all were made from the same mold. How sad is that? They are all so sure that they are outstanding specimans of manhood, but all they really are is a bunch of dicks.


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