Narc Update

29 Jan

M has been love bombing me with e-mail, pretending to be the man I fell for. If I were a different person, I might be tempted to go back, at least for a trial, but I am a bitch and only laugh and/or shake my head at his antics. Here’s an entry from Sunday –

I’d like to share with you some things that have influenced me over our time together that have been poorly understood, if at all. Maybe this will give you some insights.

When we moved to SH, I asked you and H (my son, who was 14 at the time and a very difficult teenager) if you wanted to do this and even asked H repeatedly. But when things started not working out so well and H realized he didn’t want to be there (or maybe anywhere else, who knows?) I took his attitude too personally as an insult, which was magnified by how he treated you, which made me so mad I could slap him. I thought then that I was fighting the good fight for my woman, but know now that you two had your ways and you grew to understand each other, whereas I was left out because I was too violent and not tolerant enough for sympathy or understanding.

When we lived in the duplex and H and I had our first physical fight, it was over something he said to you, in his way, that tripped me to madness. I still thought I was doing the right thing for you. When we lived on S–Place, one day when you and I were going somewhere and we doubled back and found H on the phone, from which he was restricted, we took him with us a a punishment. He planted a good one in my face at the door on the way out, which shocked us both and he began his journey back to being a decent human that day, I saw it. He was a new kid, not a boy anymore. But I refused to forgive him and carried my anger about how I felt he had cheated me and you of our happiness, for a long time, perhaps until just recently when he now treats me with respect, despite myself.

The two of you (H and you), as well as your mother and your sister have a facial expression that says “fuck you, stupid human”, which you all have focused on me for good reason and no reason at all (your sister and mother). I have come to react instinctively to that look, as an adder who’s tail you just stepped on. The day I told you to go fuck yourself was just such a day, with that same look and even though I deserved it in every way, I would not back down. My relationship with your son has been predicated on my reaction to that look and for that I am deeply sorry today, because I think he has forgiven me for treating him like a shit, while I have not forgiven him (until very recently).

My father told me from the first time someone tried to beat me up in school that I should never start a fight, but always finish it. He is a stupid man to have engrained that in his boy. I have never hurt anyone in anger until I wrestled H to the carpet and have never been hit by anyone but him. But I have the tongue and sting of the adder, there is no doubt. At one time you applauded me for this, which didn’t help, I can tell you now. I am not proud, but ashamed of how I’ve been on those occasions in our relationship when I lashed out at you and H, deeply ashamed. I had no right, have no right, to insult those I love for any reason, even if I feel hurt myself. The only way to win a person’s love, is with love. I have always known this, which is, I think, how I won your heart. I can tell you today that the man who loves has won out over the adder. Because at last, the snake has bitten his own tail.

See there? He is a Changed Man! The cause of all our troubles is that my son and I look at him wrong and he can’t help his reaction. H and I have a way of joking and talking fast around a subject to avoid hashing out something painful, to minimize the awkwardness of the Teen Years and M was just too hurt by that to behave like a human being, and it’s not his fault. He was trained by his father to behave that way.

Whatever. Nothing gives him the right to treat me or my son in that way. What he saw as disrespect was in fact a man-child trying to establish his place in the pack (as all male children do) and M was unwilling to remember his own struggle and help H to develop appropriate responses. What M created was a very angry, sullen teen boy who felt threatened all the time as M judged every move he made and H was always found lacking, no matter how I defended or explained him, no matter how hard he tried – nothing was ever Good Enough for M.

It’s surprising that H has become such a polite, well-mannered man, gentle and empathetic who seems to harbor no animosity towards M.

And this yesterday:

I am 200% committed to communicating with you. This week has been a sledge hammer to the head and a spike to the heart – much of what I’ve said and done to you over the years has been a big mistake, the biggest mistake of my life, no contest. You are much more important to me than anything and I mean anything, including my own selfish demands that I’ve put out there as so essential.

I’m a fool. I can do better, much better. Not even sure how I got off on the wrong track, maybe it was arguing with H all the time. Anyway, I hope to get another chance, though I can hear you say I don’t deserve it. The beast in me died this week, I assure you. You struck him a blow through the heart. The man that’s left is your old lover and he still loves you, more than anything, more than ever.

Another assertion that he’s a changed man! I suppose this is where I fall all over myself to apologize and take him back unconditionally, right? Dr. Jekyll was always a charmer 🙂

He was supposed to be gone yesterday and sent this early in the morning:

It would be good to see you and chat, or not, as you please. You will find a man much changed. One thing is, this is the first time in 46 years I have not had at least one dog, if not three, so I’d love to see my friend. I know I’m always going on about that dog, but I love her.

He misses the dog? How sweet! He did nothing but complain about the dog and how I was always letting Dog Discipline go by the board, how I was spoiling her, ruining the training that he had done. The fact is, he is far too brutal for a dog of this type. A complacent Labrador would have learned very quickly to do what he says and stay out of his way, but a dominant herding dog (Australian Shepherd/Border Collie) is not a dog you can beat into submission. She must be convinced that it’s a good idea before she is willing to comply with the wishes of a mere human – she knows her job and will not be sidetracked. He has never understood that, or he refuses to acknowledge that she needs something different than his heavy-handed notion of discipline.

And there’s more:

It is I who must thank you for your patience. I realize now that I have been far on the wrong side of your comfort level for a long time and misinterpreted everything. You have again and again given me more latitude than you have ever offered anyone. It grieves me that now that I finally get it, I may not get a chance to show good faith.
I am sincere. As you once loved and trusted me, I hope you can find your way to do so again.

This in response to a note I sent thanking him for his patience and understanding as I sort out my issues. Trying to keep Mr. Hyde at bay until I get my stuff back.

“On paper” he sounds good, right? Saying all the right things, having an apologetic attitude, promising to respect my feelings and giving me time to sort myself out. The underlying message, however, is that I will be coming back after I come to my senses once more. That ain’t gonna happen.

He will be gone for about three hours tomorrow. I have spent the day dithering about what to do. I could borrow or rent a truck and just make a clean sweep, but there won’t be much time (he is making sure to give me short notice to try to catch me when I’m there, but I see through his plan) to get my stuff out and I don’t really have any men to rely upon to help out.

I could just take my car and stuff what I can into it, but it means leaving Granny’s table behind (the only thing that I really can’t live without) but that would mean Mom would be hopping mad and would drive over here to take it back and goddess only knows what would happen then 🙂

I found myself unable to make a decision, frozen in a state of deer-in-the-headlights, hearing his voice in my head chastising me for whatever I decide to do. My stomach was in knots, head whirling, just…frozen. He has trained me well, and that pisses me off.

And then Awana called. We talked about the options and she offered to let me borrow her van – bigger than my car, no need to rent or borrow a truck, probably big enough to get the essentials out of M’s house, but small enough to (hopefully) not raise his ire too much. If I drive it myself, she won’t be associated with this whole mess so he can’t try to find me through her. He won’t recognize the van so my getaway should be clean.

I want this to be over, but I don’t want to freak him out so that he does something rash. When he left his wife (he and I worked together but were not involved at the time,) according to him, it was an amicable break – he still talked to her, finished up the repairs to their house (she bought him out) that he had agreed to, even watched her dog on occasion. There didn’t seem to be any rancor, he seemed calm and reasonable, but then again, I only saw what he wanted me to see. At the time I thought it was admirable that two people could break up with no anger or harsh words, just a gentle parting of the ways. I wonder now how it really went down, while hoping that he and I can have the same sort of parting of the ways.

Awana says that as long as I have a reason to go back to his house I am still involved with him. She is advocating a Clean Break, sever all ties, make a very clear statement that he and I are over and move on with my life.

I find myself immobile, not hoping for a reconciliation, but at least something less than a war or smear campaign. I want him to get on with his life, find his own happiness so that he will leave me to find my bliss with no bad feelings hanging onto my coat tails.

Is any of this even possible with a Narc? Am I just making myself crazy over something that is never going to happen and I should just wake up and get on with it?


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22 responses to “Narc Update

  1. JackieP

    January 29, 2013 at 8:51 pm

    A clean break is the best. People like him don’t change. they just don’t. Don’t let the sweet words confuse you. It might last for a little while then bingo they are right back the way they were. His type wants all or nothing.

  2. Tamara

    January 29, 2013 at 8:54 pm

    Grab what you need and make a clean break. The longer you keep him dangling in the hope that he might be able to persuade you to come back, the angrier and more resentful he is likely to be when he realizes it is truly over and he no longer has any reason to act nice.

  3. lifebegins45

    January 29, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    wow! This is the EXACT SAME SHIT

  4. lifebegins45

    January 29, 2013 at 9:02 pm

    OOPS 🙂

  5. behindthemaskofabuse

    January 29, 2013 at 9:03 pm

    wow all i could think is how could he be a changed man in a matter of a week or two. no one can change that quickly and what did he do to change? i’m so glad you’re still standing your ground and not buying his crap.
    he does a lot of blaming as you said in those messages too. he admits his bad behaviour and that suggests he knew exactly what he was doing.
    i hope all goes well tomorrow, you get everything out that you plan on and avoid seeing him.
    i’m thinking of you .:)

  6. lifebegins45

    January 29, 2013 at 9:07 pm

    Myc computer is causing some posting issues 🙂 Sorry about that. Waht I was trying to say is that my x did the exact same thing, admitting fault, affirming your views as correct, the blame game listing the causes to be something or someone other than him who is at fault, and so on. I caved and went back. The rest is history, as outlined in my blog… I’m proud of you for sticking to your guns. Call a spade a spade (or a Narc/Psych a Narc) and trust yourself!!! You know who he is and will always be. Manipulative, abusive and inhuman. I’m with Tamara…get your stuff asap! Or, write it off as a recoverable loss (or worth losing) in the shadow of an abusive situation. Keep your eyes on the prize, dear-heart!

  7. Melanie

    January 30, 2013 at 3:53 am

    I find it very telling that he could write the words “I love her” about the dog, but no where does he write “I love you.” Sure, he alludes to it in the third person, but that’s it. “The man that’s left…and he still loves her?” Not cool. Plus, the whole “my woman” comment makes me cringe. Get the table and the sewing machine and get the heck out of dodge.

    • lookingforward2012

      January 30, 2013 at 9:47 am

      my ex would tell the dog how much he loved her. all the time. he would cuddle with her, bathe her, walk her, take her for rides. He never did any of that with his own children. not ever. there is something wrong with people like that.

      • Sofia Leo

        January 30, 2013 at 9:52 am

        I know, right? Praise the dog, then chastise me for her “poor training.” What bullshit! They can’t handle a mature relationship with a person, so they prefer the doting relationship they find with dogs. And some cats. M hated my Siamese because she refused to be swayed by him – she was MY cat and she was rude and snobby towards him, no matter what treats he offered. Should have listened to that cat…

  8. Janine

    January 30, 2013 at 6:26 am

    Does anyone else hear a vacuum? He still isn’t really taking responsibility for anything. There is always the underlying thread of H, and the looks from you and your mom….There is nothing sincere about any of this. You need to get everything you hold dear and forget the rest. From what I know that is the table, the sewing machine and the bunnies. Anything else you can grab and squeeze in and get the hell out, block his number and never talk to him again. Hell, leave him a can of gasoline to burn the rest of your stuff. That will take the joy out of it for him. You are doing great…unfreeze yourself and haul ass woman! Awana is a very wise friend, she is correct about still being involved.. Listen to her, she is a voice of reason. I am so happy you have her nearby!

  9. Paula

    January 30, 2013 at 6:42 am

    I’m in agreement with everyone. Nothing he has written truly speaks of true remorse, understanding, or love. So many “me, me, me” and “feel-sorry-for-me” statements. Blaming past events and people for instigating the snake. He got that right!! He is a snake. And snakes just shed their skin seasonally but continue being snakes just to shed their skin again. No real change. Just surface change. Fitting metaphor. You know what you need to do. XOXO

  10. Fern

    January 30, 2013 at 7:00 am

    Well, everything I have read has said that the “No Contact” route is really the best way. I’m guessing his first wife wasn’t good Narc fodder somehow, so letting her go was for him not such a big loss — she didn’t feed him adequate supply for some reason, so he was ‘done’. But unfortunately, there’s something he finds in your personality that is most excellent Narc fodder — like, finger lickin’ good and tasty, yum yum. No, just not to be trusted at all — I say turn your back and no looking over your shoulder…..

  11. Bethany

    January 30, 2013 at 8:24 am

    My two cents: Clean brake and never talk to him again. The only reason I will EVER talk to my abuser again is because we have children together. You are fortunate enough not to have that complication. I know it is hard, this is part of the FOG, but the longer you stick around on the edge of contact the more misery you are putting yourself through. He will never change and you don’t need him. I love you and hope that you will take my advice 🙂

    • Sofia Leo

      January 30, 2013 at 9:53 am

      I am so thankful we don’t have children! The dog situation is difficult enough, but she loves me and I paid for her, so with me she stays!

  12. Jenny

    January 30, 2013 at 10:22 am

    clean break, he’s begging and wants you to feel sorry for him, as soon as you get all your stuff block his E-mails and phone calls . I have a feeling he’ll show up where you work and follow you though if he loses communication with you unless you have a restraining order.
    I can see you are beginning to see the light of a better future without him, he’s a jerk!!!

  13. notyourvictim

    January 30, 2013 at 10:43 am

    The only way he’ll be happy is when he finds his next target. Since leaving TheEx, he has had a few relationships with the same timeline as the one he had with me. One left with police escorts, another while he was out (like I did.) But to this day, he posts shit about me online- using my full legal name. He’s accused me of breaking into his house, of calling the police with noise complaints and of stealing his bike. All while knowing that I left the state when I left him, but it’s really hard to play victim if he’s honest, right? The trick is that once you’ve done your part to cut ties, you have to not respond o anything he says or does again. If he slanders you online, go through the proper channels to have it removed. If you her through the grapevine that he’s accusing you of things, shrug it off. He will never be happy, psychopaths are incapable of it.

  14. Awana

    January 30, 2013 at 11:59 am

    I am glad someone else thought that “my woman” comment was strange, although my response was more of laughing until I choked–different culture, I guess. Hey, I am not always the voice of reason, but do have a no-nonsense approach to “getting on with it”….which is why my job sucks as bad as any of these relationships.It seems there are rules these days, but only for me. It is really hard to come into a dysfunctional culture from the “outside world” . Yes, I am an alien.At least, I think I am, because when I ask a question, they look at me like I have three heads…sometimes it’s the multisyllabic words, but then again, who knows?

  15. Just Me With . . .

    January 30, 2013 at 5:58 pm

    Two words: No contact.

    I know you have to get your stuff, but after that, I wish you a clean break.

  16. Lee

    January 31, 2013 at 9:05 am

    I don’t think he sounds good even on paper. He’s still blaming others (especially your son), and claiming everything “wrong” he did was just a reaction to his upbringing, the way he was treated, the things that trigger him, and so on. His apologies are hollow because he does not believe he is responsible for any of the things he has done. I doubt he thinks he has done anything wrong at all.

    I am also quite shocked that he had physical fights with your son. That is never appropriate. Children do sometimes hit parents and guardians. But hitting back just isn’t allowed. It causes tremendous damage. Though there are no magic bullets, there *are* constructive ways of dealing with belligerent children and teens. Getting into physical fights with them is not one of them.

    Also, I agree with those who say that he cannot have changed in one week. Accomplishing that level of change takes years, if not decades, and a whole lot of damn hard work on oneself. On that subject, you might be interested in my latest post:

  17. El Guapo

    February 1, 2013 at 1:01 pm

    I hope that in the end, your decisions will be more focused on you finding your happiness, and less about him finding his.
    If he has actually changed(?), then he’ll be able to.
    If not(!), then there’s nothing good that can come from you worrying about him.

    • Sofia Leo

      February 1, 2013 at 6:37 pm

      You’re right, G – still trying to shake off his training. Still worried that I will be painted as the Bad Guy in this picture because I refuse to lie for him any more. I need to get over that. Tomorrow is all about me and my fiber arts and the wonderful people in and associated with the local guild. No Narcs allowed!


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