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Detox well under way

27 Jan

The process of leaving a Narcissist or other abuser is a long one. For me, it started with educating myself to understand that I was indeed being abused.

I managed to get through a few of the recovery stages while still in the relationship – emotional detachment, naming the abuse to come to terms with my role in getting to where I ended up and his role in our abusive relationship and the dynamic that allowed it to continue, anger, regret, depression, anger again and then fiery rage.

The blog began soon after I could put a name to my abuser’s issues (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and realized that my memory was being deliberately re-written to suit his latest “reason” to yell at me. What an eye-opener! Being able to go back over this record really drove home how he lies and twists my words and deliberately tries to make actual reality match up with his fantasy reality and how he talks in circles to confuse and manipulate me.

Not long after this blog started, Paula found me and left a bunch of comments, offering validation and support. Others (much to my surprise) soon followed and you all have been such a wonderful resource when my spirits were flagging and I was questioning my sanity. I thank you all so much for your unwavering support, encouragement and kind words.

Once I accepted (really, deep down accepted) that the abuse is real, I am not crazy and I have issues that need to be resolved away from this Narc, I started formulating a plan of escape. I knew (despite his promises to honor any decision I made about our relationship) that he wouldn’t just let me walk away with a clean break and that my plan had to be decisive and made in secret.

It wasn’t easy to make plans without him getting suspicious, but I did it. It wasn’t easy to leave many things behind when he sent word that he was returning from a trip a day early, but I did it.

The first few nights away from him were hard, not because I feared he would find me, but because I was unsure of how he would react. Would he become a stalker? Would he threaten me? Would I be bombarded with phone calls, appearances, e-mail? Would he rage at me? Demand a Final Confrontation? I was so on the alert that I could not sleep. There was so much to do (mechanical problems notwithstanding :-)) and my mind was whirling so fast. I lived on adrenaline and caffeine and very, very little sleep.

Last night was Night Seven and I slept like the dead, nodding out before 9:00 and not stirring until the dog woke me at 0630. It felt like I’d slept for days and it was sooooo good! After a long, hot shower I was refreshed and ready to take on my day.

Today I finally feel like myself. I feel in total control and ready for anything. I no longer fear M’s reactions. I have allowed a small amount of communication (I still want the rest of my stuff) but it has been on MY terms and I will not be giving him any room to negotiate anything more or change our relationship in any way. Not through guilt, tears, apologies, declarations of “love,” bribery, lies, promises, rage, yelling, blaming or shaming. I am done being manipulated by that man in any way.

Yesterday Awana and I went to the Saturday Market and I bought a print of a watercolor on a cedar plank from a local artist. She even had a plain, lightweight frame for sale. I took it home and found the perfect place to hang it – between the windows as you walk in the door. It’s called “The Cat Goddess” and I love it! I bought it without hesitation because it belongs in my space and there is no one in my life who has anything to say about it but ME.

Damn! It feels good!

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21 Comments

Posted by on January 27, 2013 in Digging Out, Emotional Abuse, Narcissist

 

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21 responses to “Detox well under way

  1. JackieP

    January 27, 2013 at 1:45 pm

    Keep on! Good for you. I’m so glad you are getting through this so far with very little drama. Keep your guard up though! Enjoy, relax and savor the moment. πŸ™‚

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 27, 2013 at 5:34 pm

      It ain’t over yet. He is trying very hard to be Sane M – talking softly (figuratively speaking) being reasonable, accepting blame and apologizing. It’s all crap, but he thinks I’m buying it. Only until I get my stuff and then I will go No Contact. If he shows any signs of reverting back to Insane M, that’s it – NC with or without my stuff.

       
      • JackieP

        January 27, 2013 at 6:08 pm

        Oh it’s never over till he completely leaves you alone. Mine wasn’t over for five years because he stalked me. So I hope a lot better for you! big hugs!

         
  2. Not Quite Alice

    January 27, 2013 at 2:00 pm

    I think one of the hardest parts is admittance and acceptance.

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 27, 2013 at 5:32 pm

      I had to accept that there has been one common denominator with all three of my long-term relationships – me. Ergo, there is something about me that is attractive to these assholes and something defective that keeps me in abusive relationships. I have some work to do on myself, no doubt.

       
      • Not Quite Alice

        January 27, 2013 at 5:33 pm

        Same as I do. I’m the same way. I told my brother I think I’m ready to try dating again. He was proud of me, just said he wants me to stay away from Jerks and idiots this time around.
        I was listening to music today, and a song made me think of you, as well as me with the JERK. Posted it today.

         
  3. Bethany

    January 27, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Has is really been a week! Wow! I love the feeling of being able to buy something that I want and not having to worry about being ridiculed for it. I am so glad you bought the painting without hesitation. You deserve it πŸ™‚

     
    • Bethany

      January 27, 2013 at 2:38 pm

      I pressed enter too soon LOL. I bought myself a kindle for my birthday (something that I have wanted for a long time, but my abuser considered a waste of money) and I can’t wait to get it in the mail next week πŸ™‚

       
      • Sofia Leo

        January 27, 2013 at 5:30 pm

        You are going to LOVE your Kindle! They are the best thing for avid readers since I don’t even know what! I’ve had mine since September and couldn’t be happier with it. Just the basic model, no bells or whistles, nestled inside a cover I made myself because I can’t pull the trigger on $30.00 when I can make a much better one myself out of materials that will last for more than two days. If you want links to free Kindle books, shoot me an e-mail and I’ll send you some links.

         
    • Sofia Leo

      January 27, 2013 at 5:30 pm

      πŸ˜€

       
  4. behindthemaskofabuse

    January 27, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    I can feel your freedom! I couldn’t be more relieved and happy for you! xo

     
  5. El Guapo

    January 27, 2013 at 3:32 pm

    And now you can go out and enjoy all of your time!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 27, 2013 at 5:27 pm

      You got that right! It’s all about ME and FUN now! And naps. Lots and lots of naps…

       
  6. Jenny

    January 27, 2013 at 9:50 pm

    You will get stronger and stronger and more happy each day, Angels are watching over you πŸ™‚

     
  7. lifebegins45

    January 28, 2013 at 8:05 am

    It’s truly hard to accept what you have been through. That type of abuse is something that is unfathomable, as humans naturally accept others to be just that; Human. That was the hardest part for me. I have to understand everything. I have to make complete sense of everything that has my attention, whether that be mechanical workings, mathmatics, or personality clashes. This wasn’t just a personality clash…but it most definitely WAS a clash. You can’t get close to someone who is continuously manipulating and using our weaknesses (exploiting them) against us. It gets easier! hang in there πŸ˜‰ I’m happy you are finally able to find some peace!! Enjoy YOU!

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 29, 2013 at 8:59 am

      It is hard. Thank goodness for the internet – it would have taken me much longer to figure this all out if I’d had to do library research! I like to understand, too, and since I am a caring person, it’s so hard to fathom why someone would abuse another person in such a huge way. It just doesn’t compute for me and probably never will. At least now I know what type of person to avoid and that they won’t change or be helped in any way…

       
  8. Awana

    January 28, 2013 at 5:24 pm

    I totally love the nap part, and the part about “nobody can tell me”–it’s the part I love best! sometimes I live messy JUST BECAUSE I CAN!!

     
  9. notyourvictim

    January 29, 2013 at 5:42 pm

    I’m glad I checked and saw you’d replied to some comments recently. I hadn’t seen you post in a few days and I was actually worried that maybe he had done something. I wasn’t going to say anything but then I thought you’d benefit from knowing that someone out there thinks of you and wishes you well. πŸ™‚

     
    • Sofia Leo

      January 29, 2013 at 7:05 pm

      He hasn’t “done” anything at all, but I will be updating with his latest Narc manipulations. He’s being civil and polite and hasn’t blown up yet, but it’s only a matter of time before Mr. Hyde makes another appearance. I’m ready this time. He will be out for 3 hours tomorrow and if I can swing it I will take a truck over there and get what means the most to me.

       
      • notyourvictim

        January 30, 2013 at 10:30 am

        I’m glad o hear it! I’m really proud of you, lady!

         

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