The process of leaving a Narcissist or other abuser is a long one. For me, it started with educating myself to understand that I was indeed being abused.
I managed to get through a few of the recovery stages while still in the relationship – emotional detachment, naming the abuse to come to terms with my role in getting to where I ended up and his role in our abusive relationship and the dynamic that allowed it to continue, anger, regret, depression, anger again and then fiery rage.
The blog began soon after I could put a name to my abuser’s issues (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and realized that my memory was being deliberately re-written to suit his latest “reason” to yell at me. What an eye-opener! Being able to go back over this record really drove home how he lies and twists my words and deliberately tries to make actual reality match up with his fantasy reality and how he talks in circles to confuse and manipulate me.
Not long after this blog started, Paula found me and left a bunch of comments, offering validation and support. Others (much to my surprise) soon followed and you all have been such a wonderful resource when my spirits were flagging and I was questioning my sanity. I thank you all so much for your unwavering support, encouragement and kind words.
Once I accepted (really, deep down accepted) that the abuse is real, I am not crazy and I have issues that need to be resolved away from this Narc, I started formulating a plan of escape. I knew (despite his promises to honor any decision I made about our relationship) that he wouldn’t just let me walk away with a clean break and that my plan had to be decisive and made in secret.
It wasn’t easy to make plans without him getting suspicious, but I did it. It wasn’t easy to leave many things behind when he sent word that he was returning from a trip a day early, but I did it.
The first few nights away from him were hard, not because I feared he would find me, but because I was unsure of how he would react. Would he become a stalker? Would he threaten me? Would I be bombarded with phone calls, appearances, e-mail? Would he rage at me? Demand a Final Confrontation? I was so on the alert that I could not sleep. There was so much to do (mechanical problems notwithstanding :-)) and my mind was whirling so fast. I lived on adrenaline and caffeine and very, very little sleep.
Last night was Night Seven and I slept like the dead, nodding out before 9:00 and not stirring until the dog woke me at 0630. It felt like I’d slept for days and it was sooooo good! After a long, hot shower I was refreshed and ready to take on my day.
Today I finally feel like myself. I feel in total control and ready for anything. I no longer fear M’s reactions. I have allowed a small amount of communication (I still want the rest of my stuff) but it has been on MY terms and I will not be giving him any room to negotiate anything more or change our relationship in any way. Not through guilt, tears, apologies, declarations of “love,” bribery, lies, promises, rage, yelling, blaming or shaming. I am done being manipulated by that man in any way.
Yesterday Awana and I went to the Saturday Market and I bought a print of a watercolor on a cedar plank from a local artist. She even had a plain, lightweight frame for sale. I took it home and found the perfect place to hang it – between the windows as you walk in the door. It’s called “The Cat Goddess” and I love it! I bought it without hesitation because it belongs in my space and there is no one in my life who has anything to say about it but ME.
Damn! It feels good!