M has been e-mailing me. So far nothing threatening, but every note designed to get a response that I have denied him. This morning’s message was interesting. My comments in bold –
Left out stuff about his application for disability blather…spelling errors are his 🙂
The reason I’m writing to you this morning, is that I have come to realise and accept that I need treatment for pain, stress and all it’s accompanying symptoms, including confusion and anger. It’s a vicious cycle, as you have found, one thing feeding the other. I am not the only one to have destroyed a relationship as a result of emotional stress caused by pain. It is, in fact, very common with returning solders, for instance. Very common? So he’s not to blame for trying to destroy my Self? Since it’s so “common” I should just roll over and forgive him? Not gonna happen!
As you know, I am a highly emotional person by nature, so the symptoms I suffer from (and as a result, you as well) are expressed emotionally first, then rationally. Thus the roller coaster – anger followed by remorse. You must know, I suffer greatly from this, as well as you, and your suffering makes it all the worse for me. Your leaving has forced me to realize I can’t make the changes I need by myself. But I understand the process better than ever today and it has given me a new peace, even while my emotions over loosing you overwhelm me. Uh-huh. He has seen the light? This whole paragraph is nothing more than his usual circle talking.
I think, and the lawyer agrees, that my application hinges on the doctor I visited in E—. He was the first doctor in my life to address the correlation between pain, emotion and stress. I should have seen someone like him thirty years ago. My application for disability is nearly complete (I entered a new round of paperwork with the lawyer yesterday) and I have signed an agreement with her. I’ve attached a letter I am sending today to the doctor (as soon as I find a printer – Staples will do that for me I suppose). I thought you might be interested. Whatever. When I offered to help him with this process he said I was too stupid to know what needed to be done and my services would not be needed. He should have listened to me…
You’ve been very patient with me for years and for that I am, and have been, very grateful. I know how hard it has been. I hope you understand that even while I blame you for my trouble, I know it’s not your fault. WTF?!? This might sound cruel and it is, but at times, it all has a mind of it’s own, my personal demon. I’ve loved you more every day for almost thirteen years, I hope you know that.Bullshit.
I did not respond. He sent another e-mail saying that one of the rabbits needs some grooming attention and he does not know what to do – it would be best if I could come out and take care of it. That got my attention. I feel horrible for leaving them there but I simply had no time to make arrangements for them and I knew that he would take good care of them as part of his Better Narc campaign.
He then left a message on my cell phone. He was civil and polite, stating again that he didn’t know what to do or if the rabbit will even let him handle her (likely she won’t) and it would really be best if I came out and took care of it.
I sent an e-mail saying that I would be out Saturday before work. He wrote back asking what he should do now. I wrote that he shouldn’t worry about it – Saturday will be soon enough. He wrote saying that he’ll try to take care of it tomorrow to save me a trip if she’ll let him handle her. I told him again that she will not accept him grooming her and to wait until Saturday.
And that’s where it stands. Awana has agreed to go with me. I expect he will be on his best behavior to show her that he’s a perfectly reasonable guy and I am all emotional over nothing. I hate to ask it of her, but I have no one else to call on.
After Wednesday next week it will all be over – I’ll collect my furniture and rabbits and we won’t have anything more to discuss.
Today was frustrating with regards to the toilet repair, but also productive and I feel at peace.
Called Mom and told her I moved out of M’s house.
“What took you so long?” she asked. She knew after our last conversation that it was only a matter of time before she got this call. She was a bit surprised at my solution to the housing problem, but impressed that I was stepping out of the box in such a big way. She invited herself over as soon as I’m “settled.” 🙂
It feels good to be connected with family again.
Time for bed. The dog and I are going walking with Awana in the morning and we want to lay on the couch and watch “Grey’s Anatomy” and the season premier of “Project Runway” – two shows that I love but never got to watch when M was around to always add commentary. Life is good! 🙂
January 24, 2013 at 8:22 pm
I’m not at all surprised he’s playing the health card as a reason for his behavior- and the reason you should come back. Coincidentally, TheEx (who likely has Borderline PD, but not formally diagnosed that I know of) pulled a very similar number on me. He called shortly after I left and said he has emphysema and was only given 9 months to live. I contacted the American Lung Association and sent him back information saying it was highly unlikely at his age. After that he started threatening to contract AIDS on purpose, which he would then spread all over and tell everyone I gave it to him and he was an innocent victim.
January 24, 2013 at 8:23 pm
Oops, hit send too soon. You know you’re in the right, you’re out and you’re safe. Just 2 more days and you’ll have your rabbits and your last few things from his house, you can change your number or anything you want and be free forever!
January 24, 2013 at 8:35 pm
OMG! To get AIDS on purpose is a new low. What a loser! Glad you’re away from him now.
He’s been playing the health card for awhile now. I am not surprised at this latest tactic. It has some validity, but he would never take my advice and see a doctor or therapist, so he will end up with what he asked for – to be alone and ill. I can’t waste my life taking care of someone who wants nothing more than to destroy me. He could have a really great life if he would just get a grip.
January 26, 2013 at 8:06 am
“I can’t waste my life taking care of someone who wants nothing more than to destroy me.”
This! Very well said.
January 24, 2013 at 8:26 pm
Good for you. You handled it well, except for the rabbit bait. My ex did that to me with my dog. He wouldn’t eat, etc etc. (Which I know was a bunch of crap) Unfortunately I fell for it, and from then on he used it as ammunition till I could re-claim my dog. I’m glad you will get your rabbits soon, as he will use this against you when or if he could to get you to come to him. They are sneaky that way. I’m so glad you have your good friend to go with you. 🙂
January 24, 2013 at 8:32 pm
The rabbits were a trap from the beginning and I always knew it would come back to bite me. I regret not being able to get them out, but I had no choice. If we can keep this amicable, it will be fine. Only a few more days…
January 24, 2013 at 9:11 pm
I know, one can’t plan for everything. Sending light and love your way. Just a few more days 🙂
January 24, 2013 at 8:35 pm
Wow he’s sure pouring on the “charm” it’s likely only a matter of time before the anger comes out, when he realizes he can’t manipulate you with his bs charm. I’m so glad you’re not fooled. You’ve taken your power back in a big way! xo
January 24, 2013 at 9:24 pm
Black is white and white is black and I’ll talk in circles and contradict one sentence with the next until up is down and down is up and all of my problems are everyone else’s fault and none of them are my own responsibility so you and the whole world need to change in order to fix me because the whole world exists to serve my needs and that’s what you should be doing right now so come back and take care of me right now because I refuse to grow up emotionally and take responsibility for my own life like an actual adult human being.
Got it? 😛
January 25, 2013 at 7:17 am
LOL, Lee! Yes, that’s exactly what it sounds like when you break it down into what he really means. It sounds so crazy, yet that is the life I’ve been living for so long that talking to “normal” people feels strange. It gets better every day!
January 25, 2013 at 9:31 am
When I interned at Emerge in Cambridge (Mass.) years ago, they used to call this sort of thing “crazy-making.” The idea is to get the victim so confused that she will doubt her own mind and uncritically accept whatever the abuser says is the truth–which can change from day to day and even from moment to moment. The goal is to give the abuser absolute control over the mind and thereby over the body, words, and actions of the victim. The same technique is used by repressive regimes in the torture and brainwashing of political prisoners..
January 25, 2013 at 4:25 pm
Yep. Add sleep deprivation and that’s my life for the past 10 years. “Torture” is a very accurate description and I wish our court system would wake up and see that, too. It’s okay to use these tactics on children, spouses, co-workers, etc, but there’s a huge public outcry if suspected terrorists are treated this way? There’s something very wrong with that logic…
January 25, 2013 at 12:11 am
Lee! I love it! Totally nailed it! Sofia! You are putting a smile on my face every day! You did it, Girl! And, you were smart about it!
January 25, 2013 at 7:18 am
If I can do this, anyone can!
January 25, 2013 at 2:54 am
Jackass. He hasn’t taken any responsibility. It’s all the suffering’s fault. Stay strong.
January 25, 2013 at 7:19 am
His whining does not affect me. The longer I’m out, the more pathetic he seems.
January 25, 2013 at 7:30 am
He’s a joke. The only reason he’s going for the disability now is because he doesn’t have your paycheck anymore. It has nothing to do with realizing the error of his ways. You’re way too smart for him, but he’ll never realize that.
January 25, 2013 at 7:41 am
He applied for disability after his last crash back in 1993, but when he was denied, instead of following through with an appeal, he just didn’t appear in court and the case was closed. He was mad that he didn’t get approved the first time (everyone is denied the first time in my state) and decided he would “show them” by re-training and going into another line of work. That didn’t work out so well because he is unable to work under anyone’s supervision – he knows best in all cases and he doesn’t handle “no you don’t” very well.
There’s no denying he has physical limitations – the accidents he has been in messed him up so that he could not continue in his chosen line of work – high-end finish carpentry. He can’t physically do that job and hasn’t been able to do it for years. He was self employed, paid all of his taxes, saved money, invested in houses, did everything right, but now that he is retirement age he has to come to grips with the fact that not having an income from a “real” job has only hurt him – he hasn’t paid Social Security tax for the last ten years and they don’t want to pay him now that he’s finally come to his senses and wants to play the game by their rules. He fucked up but wants somebody else to take the fall. Whatever.
January 25, 2013 at 8:03 am
Does he really want to play the game by their rules, or does he just want to look like he is…whatever is right.
January 25, 2013 at 4:44 am
I am so proud of you. You are a VERY strong and brave woman! Some advice that I would give, take it or leave it, I would print out all of his emails and then go to a judge and request a restraining order. I know it is just emails and voicemails and that after next week you will be completely out of his house, but it is annoying and it won’t stop just because he has no reason to contact you. With a restraining order you can then call the police and file a report for every email he send and he will eventually get sick of the police and leave you alone. again just a pit of advice 🙂 I am glad you get to watch the TV shows you want, it is amazing how many freedoms we give up to live with these narcs!
January 25, 2013 at 7:21 am
Good advice. Depending on how tomorrow goes, I will file for a restraining order, but the problem is that my new address will likely have to be on there and I don’t want him to know it. I’ll have to look into it. Changing my cell phone number and closing my e-mail account will take care of all but phone calls to my work, and that phone has caller ID, so I don’t have to pick up. It all depends on how much of an ass he wants to be. I’m ready to go to war to keep my freedom. Is he willing to go to war to get me back?
January 25, 2013 at 10:06 am
I have one and there is no address on it (they know they are dealing with stalkers). It also includes my children and pets! So he can’t get near my dog or cat either.
January 25, 2013 at 5:26 am
Awana is not sure me going on Saturday is a good thing; but I totally dig the no friends thing–I had to give everybody up, too, and live in seclusion–Lee is right on….
January 25, 2013 at 7:01 am
Best part of this is that you could call your mom just because.
As for the rest, maybe M can find work writing greeting cards?
So how fun was it watching your shows all sprawled out in your new home?
January 25, 2013 at 7:33 am
Yes! I called Mom and talked for an hour with no interruptions and no interrogations afterwards. It was liberating! My mama didn’t raise me to take shit from a man and I’m sure she wonders just why her eldest daughter keeps falling for these losers. I’ll have to ask her the next time I call 🙂 I interrupted her watching Project Runway, which is very funny because I didn’t think she watched that show. I have a lot to catch up on…
Watching TV was good, but the small fold-out isn’t really big enough for anything like “sprawling.” It isn’t big enough for “sitting comfortably” once the dog hops up 🙂
January 25, 2013 at 8:19 am
Restraining orders are not typically given without a real threat or fear of violence. Look up the rules online in your state. You will also have to face him in court. I went to the police over harassing emails and texts and they sent me the the courts for an RO. The judge denied it and sent me back to the police for an arrest for harassment. I didn’t bother…it is a real circle jerk. Once he threatened to kill me, I got it but only after crying at the police station about the same situation they were setting me up for: go to the judge and her sending me back to them. That got them both going…an RO AND an arrest. It is very frustrating and I don’t think my state would give an RO against M for what you have described of him currently…and it all needs to be current. The judge told me some of my fears were from “too long ago”. Yeah, we all know those fears subside with time. HA.
January 25, 2013 at 11:40 am
Yes, it varies state to state, so it all depends on the laws in your state. Massachusetts has a provision for a harassment prevention restraining order, but I don’t know how many other states do.
January 25, 2013 at 4:13 pm
I will check into it, but hope it doesn’t come to that.
January 25, 2013 at 4:26 pm
So sorry you had to endure all that on top of the abuse. It sucks the way the victims continue to be victimized, both by the abuser and by the authority figures we are supposed to be able to rely upon to help us.
January 25, 2013 at 2:34 pm
get into the confidentality program, it makes it so the husband does not know where you live or find you from your drivers licence. my daughter has had her mail forwarded and her place of work cannot under law say where she lives because of it