Doin’ some deceiving of my own…

17 Jan

Just had a phone call from M. Did not give away my plans. Tried to act normally.

I’ve read that the first 72 hours after leaving an abusive partner are the most dangerous. That’s three full days. Don’t think he can find where I live that fast – he drives an enormous diesel truck that would have a hard time hiding in traffic. Don’t think he would risk confrontingย  me in public at work – having a retired cop for a Boss does have its advantages ๐Ÿ™‚ Worried that deleting my emergency contacts from his phone would tip him off, I simply changed the last digit of each number, so hopefully my family won’t have to deal with him, either.

Don’t know what will happen. Will he just leave me alone? Will he rant and rave and cause a scene? What would he look like with a face full of pepper spray?

Is it fair of me to act like everything is fine while I await the delivery of my new home? Am I being devious planning to disappear with no notice or warning? How will this all shake out? I told him that I would be at work tomorrow when in reality I will be 100 miles away. Was that wrong of me?

Why do I even care what he might think? Why can’t I let what others might (or might not – it’s all totally theoretical anyway) think about my situation just roll off my back? They aren’t living my life and what they think about me is not MY problem at all.

And do I leave a note? If so, what should it say?


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18 responses to “Doin’ some deceiving of my own…

  1. Shannon Ketchersid

    January 18, 2013 at 8:12 am

    I think you are doing great…who cares what other people think. They don’t have to live with M. I would not leave a note though, he may interpret it as if the situation is open for discussion.

    Stay strong, your thinking is clear now so don’t let all the craziness confuse you ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. lifebegins45

    January 18, 2013 at 8:38 am

    ” Worried that deleting my emergency contacts from his phone would tip him off, I simply changed the last digit of each number, so hopefully my family wonโ€™t have to deal with him, either.” OOhhhh yeahh!! lol! Good thinking! He won’t be so apt to freak immediately, if he still sees some “emergency” numbers for you, in his phone. It’ll buy you some time before the freak-out comes.

    In leaving a DANGEROUS situation, acting that everything is normal and ‘ok’ in the midst of planning your escape is P*A*R*A*M*O*U*N*T to your safety and success! Fair? Things stopped being fair when he started to psychologically rape and abuse you. All gloves are off, dah’lin ๐Ÿ˜€

    You are NOT being devious in the sense that you are trying to harm, damage or abuse your partner. You are beating feet in the only RATIONAL and NECESSARY way at your disposal which also ensures your safety and success.

    The self-doubt is normal when getting away from an abusive relationship. Start laying blame for it, where it’s due. None of the negative thoughts about yourself are at all from YOU at all, but rather, from HIM! You’re emotions are valid. You are right. You deserve everything good. don’t carry any more guilt or blame from here. Above all, be safe. Sounds like you have done well, implementing all necessary pieces and steps you need. You allowed for the “what-if’s” to be taken care of too, which are the ones that you know he’s most capable of.

    Do NOT leave a note behind. Get out. Only WHEN you get to where you are going, then send a notarized letter stating that you want NO CONTACT WHAT-SO-EVER from him. That’s all that needs to be said, and sign it. (make 3 copies for yourself, before sending, and keep the original): the notary-public will put her stamp on it, which will show the monster that someone verified it and saw it too. From there, send it CERTIFIED RETURN RECEIPT! Don’t have a physical address…only a P.O. Box.

    Go go go!! Time is of the essence, sweety! Be safe and good luck

    • lifebegins45

      January 18, 2013 at 8:43 am

      Don’t forget to date the note before you copy, notarize it and mail it to him. If you can, send it from a neighboring town other than the one you live in. Also, do NOT leave any contact info behind. Even on the certification of receipt ticket. Ask the folks at the post office how best to do this.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 18, 2013 at 8:10 pm

      As always, you know just what I need to hear ๐Ÿ™‚ No note until after I’m gone, and then certified mail.

      • lifebegins45

        January 18, 2013 at 8:38 pm


      • lifebegins45

        January 18, 2013 at 9:47 pm

        As far as the note, that’s your choice. Part of the reason I suggest sending one after you get to safety, is; If you leave a note behind, it’ll start his relentless searching for you, SOONER! Without one, you will be allowed more time, while he tries to figure out why you aren’t coming home yet. Once he realizes (he won’t need you to tell him. he’ll know) you have, in deed, left, he will THEN start his search, questioning mutual friends and even family. You need time on your side, as well as the edge that his OWN confusion will give you.

      • Sofia Leo

        January 18, 2013 at 10:34 pm

        Oh, he’ll know the second he walks in the door that I’ve left – my things will be gone, and since they are for the most part in boxes and/or in one room and part of another, the open space will be very obvious. The time it takes him to get to, “she’s really left” will be less than one minute from the moment he walks in the door.

  3. anewfreelife

    January 18, 2013 at 8:46 am

    Ditto what lifebegins45 said! You’re doing great!

  4. Paula

    January 18, 2013 at 11:26 am

    I would leave a note but just the facts: “Dear M, It’s just not working. I moved out. ~SL

    As for worrying about leaving without warning, look at Katie Holmes. The woman was obviously broken and left with no other choice but to abandon him as she did in

    • Paula

      January 18, 2013 at 11:27 am

      In order to fully escape him in one piece. ๐Ÿ™‚ (Stupid phone! Sorry about that.)

    • Sofia Leo

      January 18, 2013 at 8:14 pm

      In this case, I’m just not sure I would be able to justify my actions to an outside party, say, if he wanted to claim I stole something from him and got the police involved, although he has a real fear of the police, so maybe I’m just winding myself up over nothing.

      • lifebegins45

        January 18, 2013 at 9:36 pm

        Sofia, One thing you most definitely CAN count of from a Psychopath, is a retaliatory smear campaign. He’ll do it. The thing you need to keep a the for-front of your mind is, any smear campaign lie or scheme will not matter. He’ll lie. Some will believe him, but what TRULY matters is what is TRUE. Your friends, family, etc already know you and love you. They will all know the lies are BS, when they come out of his mouth. Prepare for the “stealing” scenario. He has the burden of proof. Don’t worry about it. He will try…and fail. Silence and a “happy” face, will cause him to hang himself later (not literally). Remember the saying, “You give them enough rope and he’ll hang himself with it”. He’ll talk circles and expose himself in time. You get to sit back and watch the fireworks from a safe distance. Karma is a wonderful thing, sometimes! The trick is in the no contact, after you leave. Let him hear about how happy you are, though at times you’ll feel as though you are losing your mind or dying inside. It’s also the best revenge :D.

        You’re scared, and it’s understandable. You’ll be ok. I had the same EXACT fears when I ran from my X. The danger I was in, outweighed any potential losses that could come along. I decided I would continue, come-what-may. I had no choice. You know what I lost? A little face among co-workers, but even that has been short lived. In time, the veil has been coming off. Other than that, I have lost absolutely NOTHING! But I have gained everything, including being able to enjoy watching “Karma” be the wonderful timely bitch that “she” is! lol!! You’ll be fine! Trust me ๐Ÿ˜€

      • Sofia Leo

        January 18, 2013 at 10:38 pm

        Since he has isolated me from everyone here, I don’t worry too much about what “friends” will think. I sometimes feel that those people we both know have some inkling that something isn’t right between us, and what they make of my leaving doesn’t really matter to me on an intellectual level. It’s just bullshit my brain has been trained to confuse and distract myself with so that I find it harder to muster the courage to do what must be done. I need to get it down for posterity (and myself) to remind me that it’s nothing but smoke and mirrors designed by M to keep me a captive with no visible chains.

        I wonder why Karma takes so long to see – my first ex is still alive and kicking and according to my Aunt, still looks 20 years old – if Karma were acting on him, he should be a shriveled mess begging for spare change on the side of a road somewhere ๐Ÿ™‚ I try to be patient, but it’s not easy!

  5. El Guapo

    January 18, 2013 at 11:54 am

    YES!!!! Good for you!
    The only things I’d add to what lifebegins45 said is if you’re comfortable doing it, let local law know that you’ve just moved in away from an abuser.
    And maybe have a script for when you talk to M so he can’t fluster you into confusion.

    Rock on Sofia!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 18, 2013 at 8:21 pm

      The Boss is retired local law with connections. My former employer’s husband is local law. They both know my situation and are behind me 100%. M will have to pack up and leave town when the word gets out ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. JackieP

    January 18, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    You are doing great! lifebegins45 has great advice. I would NOT leave a note. He would take this as weakness. Believe me! I think also what El Guapo says is smart also. Stay calm. Stay determined. He will bring whatever he can to talk you back. He will promise the moon and then some. They all do, till you come back. Then they will kill you (maybe not always literally, but figuratively they will). Don’t believe anything he says when he finds you. I hope he doesn’t find you. It took my ex two weeks, but he found me. I did NOT go back. Don’t you either! Sending light and love and strength your way!

  7. behindthemaskofabuse

    January 18, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    you’re doing what you need to, to take care of you and ensure your safety that’s a good thing. xo


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