The F.O.G. Trap

15 Jan

FEAR: I am dreading the Final Confrontation. It has been my downfall so many times. I cave and agree that I am at fault just to make the yelling stop. I give in to my fear and let him (whoever he is – this is not limited to my current relationship) have whatever he wants so that I can feel “safe” again. Intellectually I know what’s happening, but my panicked reaction is to capitulate, even if I know I will hate myself later.

OBLIGATION: He’s old. He’s disabled. He has PTSD. He can’t work. He has issues accepting what his life has become. No one will ever love him like I can. It’s my duty to do whatever I can for someone I’m supposed to love and cherish.

GUILT: Don’t I owe it to him to stick with him now, in his hour of greatest need? My income is all that’s keeping his life afloat (no, I did not misspeak right there) – won’t leaving put him in a bind that he can’t get out of? What will people think of me abandoning him at this stage, after over 11 years together?

As I was driving to work, all of these thoughts were racing through my head, and they all sounded valid and Very Important when spoken by my inner voice (which sounds suspiciously like M’s) in a tone that brooks no argument.

Typing them out enables me to see how very absurd they are. None of the above is about ME. None of the above reflects my views or opinions. It’s all about HIM and it’s time to put him behind me and start to live the life that I want to live, free from his bullshit.

M told me this morning that he needs to go see his boat Up North in the next few days but must be back in town for a meeting on Wednesday. That doesn’t leave me much time to get my ass out of here between acquiring housing (more on that adventure as it unfolds – it’s an unconventional solution that I think will lead to some interesting adventures) and work.

No word on exactly what day he will leave or when he will return, so, as usual, I wait. The waiting erodes my confidence and conviction. He knows this well.

His mood betrays his need to blow up at me. If he does blow up before he leaves, there’s my reason for moving out and no Final Confrontation will be necessary. If he does not blow up at me he will accuse me of all sorts of things, betrayal will be top of the list.

Standing firm is so difficult when he’s “nice.” I begin to question myself, doubt my memory, ask theoretical questions late into the night, trying to solve this problem without doing anything at all.

Thankfully, I have this blog record to come back to, to read over one more time, to refresh my memory and remind me how destructive he is to my Self.

I read somewhere that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I struggle to get out of that loop.


Posted by on January 15, 2013 in Emotional Abuse, Narcissist, Red Flags


Tags: , , , ,

25 responses to “The F.O.G. Trap

  1. Tamara

    January 15, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    You can’t constantly be taking responsibility for other people and their feelings. Sometimes you have to make yourself the priority and just focus on that. Good luck to you. Everyone deserves happiness. And let’s not forget about peace of mind – often overlooked but equally important.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:10 pm

      You are so right and that’s why I blog – he keeps me isolated from people who reaffirm my belief that everyone has the right to be happy and have that all important peace of mind.

  2. Jasmine White

    January 15, 2013 at 3:25 pm

    Get out, get out now. Bring a friend over to help you pack. Do NOT confront him alone. He is not safe for you, he will never be good for you. Just go!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm

      Thank you for the confirmation! It’s so easy to forget when he’s “being good” but a snake is still a snake, just waiting for the right moment to strike…

  3. behindthemaskofabuse

    January 15, 2013 at 3:36 pm

    That’s how they reel you back in, with their fake “nice” it’s a way they can manipulate you. I got pulled in like that by the family for years. Don’t be fooled by it.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm

      The blinders are off now! 🙂

  4. Awana

    January 15, 2013 at 3:57 pm

    No, you do not deserve to fork over a paycheck to make him happy unless he is willing to give up all his worldly CRAP and look after you while you work–FAT CHANCE!!!! That takes a real man…

    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm

      LOL! Never happen. I “owe” him too much in his eyes.

  5. JackieP

    January 15, 2013 at 4:01 pm

    It’s good that you write all your feelings down. so you can see just how much his manipulation affects you. You think the thoughts you think because for the past 11 years he trained you to think like that. By writing it down you see that. You are not responsible for his happiness. only your own. It took me 13 years to figure it out and finally take the step of leaving for good. I never ever regretted it. Even if things got a little tough for me. At least I didn’t have his voice in my ear telling me it’s all MY fault for HIS mistakes. Go and never look back!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:13 pm

      I believe the term is “grooming” and he did a very good job of it.

      • JackieP

        January 16, 2013 at 2:45 pm

        honey, they all do a very good job at it. That’s part of it.

  6. Melanie

    January 15, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    F. – even when you give in you are not safe.
    O. – remember the balance of his account and the dividends still coming in.
    G. – It’s his bind, not yours; he made it not you. Fuck “other people”; 100% of people won’t agree with you 100% of the time.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:15 pm

      Exactly why I started this blog – it’s too easy to be lulled into staying. And it is his bind – I had no say in any of it or I would have recommended something very different and he would still have some money left. Whatever.

  7. Paula

    January 15, 2013 at 4:17 pm

    This is the reason for this blog, Sofia Leo. You have all the reality in these pages. These pages have always been you outside the FOG. Use them. Hours dedicated to the day you walk away and into a life that has been awaiting you. 🙂

  8. Bethany

    January 15, 2013 at 5:53 pm

    I know this fog all to well. I was there just a few months ago. Hang in there I promise the fog will be burned off by peace and relief when you finally get out of there. He can take care of himself just fine but he chooses not to because he would rather use and abuse you.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:16 pm

      I just wish I understood how people can use and abuse others this way. It’s not a part of my wiring. He tells me that I am the one being abusive and it just doesn’t compute. How can he sleep at night? Oh, I forgot – he has no conscience!

  9. lifebegins45

    January 16, 2013 at 2:40 am

    The second-guessing is such a trap! It’s a great thing to have everything written down in order to help you remember just WHY you are in this place of making plans to gain yourself back. To leave and begin to heal. The voices echoing in your head are partly his, due to his incessant attacks and also your conditioning when you were younger. The important thing is, now you are recognizing that YOU are no where in the mix. With every question you have, every guilt-ridden moment, you are reflecting on the entire picture. You need to be at the fore-front.

    Again, I know this one. It’s the same dialogue that has always kept me stuck in bad or downright abusive situations. You have recognized the most important part…


    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:18 pm

      🙂 I hope I don’t turn into some selfish harpy no one can stand to be around 🙂

      • lifebegins45

        January 16, 2013 at 9:16 pm

        Oh, NO! Lol! That’s not what I was implying at all :D… I meant that in the second guessing, you realize that none of it has you in it, and it most definitely NEEDS to :). You are definitely no selfish harpy. I know this because I work with that person! lol!! You’re awesome Sofia.. You’re just days away from being free. Go YOU!!

  10. El Guapo

    January 16, 2013 at 1:12 pm

    I have no idea if this would help you:
    If he doesn’t come back, and finds you to accuse you of betrayal, have a tape of your conversations cued up to the damning part and just play it for him, loudly enough to overpower him.
    You’ve finished many posts with “Healthy relationships don’t look like this.” I can’t think of any reason you should stay with him.
    (Unless he were pregnant.)
    (And even then, just for the movie rights…)

    • Sofia Leo

      January 16, 2013 at 1:19 pm

      LOL! He had a vasectomy years ago, so pregnancy is pretty much off the table. At this point, I’m not sure that would be enough to make me stay…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: