FEAR: I am dreading the Final Confrontation. It has been my downfall so many times. I cave and agree that I am at fault just to make the yelling stop. I give in to my fear and let him (whoever he is – this is not limited to my current relationship) have whatever he wants so that I can feel “safe” again. Intellectually I know what’s happening, but my panicked reaction is to capitulate, even if I know I will hate myself later.
OBLIGATION: He’s old. He’s disabled. He has PTSD. He can’t work. He has issues accepting what his life has become. No one will ever love him like I can. It’s my duty to do whatever I can for someone I’m supposed to love and cherish.
GUILT: Don’t I owe it to him to stick with him now, in his hour of greatest need? My income is all that’s keeping his life afloat (no, I did not misspeak right there) – won’t leaving put him in a bind that he can’t get out of? What will people think of me abandoning him at this stage, after over 11 years together?
As I was driving to work, all of these thoughts were racing through my head, and they all sounded valid and Very Important when spoken by my inner voice (which sounds suspiciously like M’s) in a tone that brooks no argument.
Typing them out enables me to see how very absurd they are. None of the above is about ME. None of the above reflects my views or opinions. It’s all about HIM and it’s time to put him behind me and start to live the life that I want to live, free from his bullshit.
M told me this morning that he needs to go see his boat Up North in the next few days but must be back in town for a meeting on Wednesday. That doesn’t leave me much time to get my ass out of here between acquiring housing (more on that adventure as it unfolds – it’s an unconventional solution that I think will lead to some interesting adventures) and work.
No word on exactly what day he will leave or when he will return, so, as usual, I wait. The waiting erodes my confidence and conviction. He knows this well.
His mood betrays his need to blow up at me. If he does blow up before he leaves, there’s my reason for moving out and no Final Confrontation will be necessary. If he does not blow up at me he will accuse me of all sorts of things, betrayal will be top of the list.
Standing firm is so difficult when he’s “nice.” I begin to question myself, doubt my memory, ask theoretical questions late into the night, trying to solve this problem without doing anything at all.
Thankfully, I have this blog record to come back to, to read over one more time, to refresh my memory and remind me how destructive he is to my Self.
I read somewhere that insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I struggle to get out of that loop.