Sorry for the two week hiatus. The shop where I work was getting a facelift that was supposed to take only a few days but turned into a marathon crap-fest that ensured I had no internet access for the duration. There is still much to be done, but I’m back online so I’ll continue the story where I left off –
When I got home, the first words out of his mouth were, “I’m sorry…” All contrition and despair and pity. It was another typical apology with him “explaining” why he does what he does and me telling him (once again) that it ain’t gonna fly and the only solution is for me to move out.
He added a new twist this time, though, saying that there was no reason why he couldn’t pick up the slack at home since I work all day. There is no reason for me to come home and have to do household chores every day that he could easily take care of. It’s all bullshit, of course, and I at least know it.
He also admitted that it is wrong for him to take his frustrations out on me, but he just can’t help himself (yes, it did turn out to be all about him) and that he is bitter because he’s aging and he never got over losing his legs.
Full stop. What? He was in an accident when he was 26 (he’s now 59) and he never got over it? He tells me on a regular basis that I need to “get over” what other men have done to me – that he’s tired of paying for the sins of other men, blah, blah, blah. So he’s taking out on me something that happened when I was still in grade school and that is somehow okay? I call bullshit!
The way I see it, we both have baggage, but the difference is that what happened to him was an accident that no one could have prevented. What happened to me was done deliberately, with evil intent. Yes, we were both victims, he wears his scars on the outside, I wear mine on the inside. Yet somehow his baggage entitles him to abuse me even more? After I’ve pleaded and begged him to stop? After I’ve told him countless times that he is hurting me?
I have NEVER belittled him for his past injuries and the limitations he now has on his life. I have never told him to “get over” anything except his obsession with cleanliness that borders on pathological at times.
What a hypocrite.
Anyway, we’re still in a holding pattern. He is doing his best to act like a normal person, talking softly, not starting stupid arguments, staying off my back, etc. I am doing my best to stay calm so that he will feel confident enough to leave town so I can get the hell out of here.
His mask is cracking, just as I know it must as we near the middle of the month. I have been working longer hours at the shop to get it ready to re-open. Nothing extreme – I leave around 9:30 AM and return between 5 and 6 PM. I am available by phone at any time, so it’s not like I’ve fallen off the planet. I arrived home at about 7:30 last night after having stopped off at the grocery store to find him eating some fried potatoes (my favorite!) at the kitchen table.
I breezed by, set the groceries down and put my bag away. As I was putting the groceries away, he made some comment about me being “a fucking hour late!” and how I would never accept that from him and I could tell he was winding up for a fight.
“The shop always closes at 7:00 on Friday. Saturday, too, and I stopped by the grocery store. I’m not late,” was my calm reply.
That shut him up and he did not try to start something after that.
Now, a more naive woman would take that as a sign that he really is working hard to change, I mean, two whole weeks without a blow-up is quite an achievement, yes? For a normal person, maybe, but for a Narc, it’s only part of the game.
I have to admit to taking advantage of his new attitude – on Tuesday I was tired and off work and had a bit of a headache. I spent the entire day reading and dozing on the couch and he didn’t say a single word about it. I was kinda hoping he would start something, but he went about his day very quietly and left me alone. That has never happened before and I must say it was very nice.
It’s all bullshit, but at least I got something out of it 🙂