Where was I?

12 Jan

Sorry for the two week hiatus. The shop where I work was getting a facelift that was supposed to take only a few days but turned into a marathon crap-fest that ensured I had no internet access for the duration. There is still much to be done, but I’m back online so I’ll continue the story where I left off –

When I got home, the first words out of his mouth were, “I’m sorry…” All contrition and despair and pity. It was another typical apology with him “explaining” why he does what he does and me telling him (once again) that it ain’t gonna fly and the only solution is for me to move out.

He added a new twist this time, though, saying that there was no reason why he couldn’t pick up the slack at home since I work all day. There is no reason for me to come home and have to do household chores every day that he could easily take care of. It’s all bullshit, of course, and I at least know it.

He also admitted that it is wrong for him to take his frustrations out on me, but he just can’t help himself (yes, it did turn out to be all about him) and that he is bitter because he’s aging and he never got over losing his legs.

Full stop. What? He was in an accident when he was 26 (he’s now 59) and he never got over it? He tells me on a regular basis that I need to “get over” what other men have done to me – that he’s tired of paying for the sins of other men, blah, blah, blah. So he’s taking out on me something that happened when I was still in grade school and that is somehow okay? I call bullshit!

The way I see it, we both have baggage, but the difference is that what happened to him was an accident that no one could have prevented. What happened to me was done deliberately, with evil intent. Yes, we were both victims, he wears his scars on the outside, I wear mine on the inside. Yet somehow his baggage entitles him to abuse me even more? After I’ve pleaded and begged him to stop? After I’ve told him countless times that he is hurting me?

I have NEVER belittled him for his past injuries and the limitations he now has on his life. I have never told him to “get over” anything except his obsession with cleanliness that borders on pathological at times.

What a hypocrite.

Anyway, we’re still in a holding pattern. He is doing his best to act like a normal person, talking softly, not starting stupid arguments, staying off my back, etc. I am doing my best to stay calm so that he will feel confident enough to leave town so I can get the hell out of here.

His mask is cracking, just as I know it must as we near the middle of the month. I have been working longer hours at the shop to get it ready to re-open. Nothing extreme – I leave around 9:30 AM and return between 5 and 6 PM. I am available by phone at any time, so it’s not like I’ve fallen off the planet. I arrived home at about 7:30 last night after having stopped off at the grocery store to find him eating some fried potatoes (my favorite!) at the kitchen table.

I breezed by, set the groceries down and put my bag away. As I was putting the groceries away, he made some comment about me being “a fucking hour late!” and how I would never accept that from him and I could tell he was winding up for a fight.

“The shop always closes at 7:00 on Friday. Saturday, too, and I stopped by the grocery store. I’m not late,” was my calm reply.

That shut him up and he did not try to start something after that.

Now, a more naive woman would take that as a sign that he really is working hard to change, I mean, two whole weeks without a blow-up is quite an achievement, yes? For a  normal person, maybe, but for a Narc, it’s only part of the game.

I have to admit to taking advantage of his new attitude – on Tuesday I was tired and off work and had a bit of a headache. I spent the entire day reading and dozing on the couch and he didn’t say a single word about it. I was kinda hoping he would start something, but he went about his day very quietly and left me alone. That has never happened before and I must say it was very nice.

It’s all bullshit, but at least I got something out of it 🙂


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17 responses to “Where was I?

  1. Shannon

    January 12, 2013 at 12:56 pm

    I think you are doing great! Mine had visitation today so when he picked our daughter up, he asked if I wanted to tag along to Lowes where he builds some little toy thing with her on every other Saturday. Of course, I knew that it probably wasn’t a good idea…not because he would be an ass but because he would be quite the contrary…but I went. He was polite and charming and all the crap that got me sucked in in the first place. So, when it was over and I left, I came home wondering whether maybe he really wasn’t the devil, maybe I really was imagining all the horrors that I lived…and then your beautiful update came in my email. Wow! Girl, you saved me from at least getting sucked back into it one more time! Thank You!!!!!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 12, 2013 at 3:01 pm

      Doesn’t that suck? It just proves that what they do to us is intentional – it would be very different if they couldn’t keep themselves under control in public and the fact that they can should make every victim mad as hell! It’s how they keep us hanging on – just enough Dr. Jekyll to let us forget the worst of Mr. Hyde and there we are, back for more. It must be very fulfilling for them to know how to push a person’s buttons so well. Evil bastards!

  2. Paula

    January 12, 2013 at 1:19 pm

    Glad you’re connected again! Are you going to keep working at the same place when you leave him? I am assuming your boss knows about your plans and others who have your number if you get disconnected from your blog again. I can’t help but worry. Call it unhealthy attachment. I’m guilty. 🙂

    • Shannon

      January 12, 2013 at 1:23 pm

      ^too sweet!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 12, 2013 at 3:05 pm

      I do plan to stay at the same job for awhile – the Summer may provide some interesting opportunities for me to take my act on the road, so things are still up in the air a bit. The Boss is retired police and knows what’s going on. I doubt very much that M will turn into a stalker (I think he has someone else on the line already, so he should be distracted) but if he does he better prepare himself for a large dose of pepper spray and some public humiliation as I scream down the sky and the cops come running 🙂

      I have given my online info to Awana – I should have had her post, but she was just as busy as I was last week and time just got away from me. I’ll try not to disappear again 🙂

      • Paula

        January 12, 2013 at 3:12 pm

        I’ll bug Awana next time. I remember you mentioning your boss being retired law enforcement. I was hoping you were going to continue working there after you left knowing who is is and what he knows about your situation. 🙂

  3. JackieP

    January 12, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    At least you realize it’s bullshit. That’s a good thing. It won’t last for long though, him I mean. It never does, they can only hold back their true nature for so long. Than bam! Please be careful, when he blows it’s going to be bad. I am glad you are back though. I was wondering where you went.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 12, 2013 at 2:59 pm

      This is by far the longest he has been this “nice” – two full weeks, and no one is more surprised than I am. If he does blow and it is bad, I have a bag packed and can be out of there in five minutes or less. I have a place to go and will call down the wrath of the police on him (The Boss is retired from the force and knows my situation.)

  4. Melanie

    January 12, 2013 at 5:31 pm

    It’s all part of the cycle of abuse. I’m glad you have a go-bag ready if he does get PMS (preposterous male shit) this month.

    • Sofia Leo

      January 13, 2013 at 3:56 pm

      That’s a great definition of PMS! I’ll be sure to use it frequently 🙂

      • Melanie

        January 13, 2013 at 4:13 pm

        You can even tell him you have PMS and laugh on the inside that he doesn’t know it’s him!

      • Sofia Leo

        January 13, 2013 at 4:14 pm


  5. Jetgirl

    January 12, 2013 at 7:12 pm

    Hi. Am greatly relieved to see ally’s well.

  6. Awana

    January 13, 2013 at 4:18 pm

    Sorry, bloggers–I did keep up with Sophia and should have said so online–but, as was mentioned,, I have a sucky job that keeps me physically exhausted, so I strayed from the computer…anyway, yeah, I have learned a lot from S. about why my marriage sucked, but have begun to realize that maybe my mother had some of these traits as well, and that is why I have had such a crappy time of “life”‘ and getting on with it in general–well, live and learn from the best…BTW–the “cleanliness” thing is a lot like an “orderliness” thing…control, control. But, YOU do it, not me. WHATEVER. I notice as I get older that a lot of old men are like this; complete order, but not so clean as I would call clean. But, it is alll they can control, as they spiral down into their pathetic boringness. Live like a orderly RAT behind the barricade. I’m glad my husband disappeared–it would have gotten ugly, not to mention traumatic. However, I still ended up with nothing, so go figure. GO FIGURE!!!! Until we raise our girls smarter and our boys better, this will continue to happen. Disgusting. Andnow I’m going for that Italian coffee thingey Sophia told me about! Life is good after busitn’ out!

    • Sofia Leo

      January 13, 2013 at 4:24 pm

      You really should try blogging, A – it would relieve a lot of your stress… 🙂

      Affogato – a hot shot of espresso poured over a scoop of ice cream and topped with whipped cream. A lovely Italian dessert. The shop is back in order and running like a top, new paint and display cases really setting off the chocolates. Yum!

  7. El Guapo

    January 14, 2013 at 2:25 pm

    You also sound like you’re coming into your own. Maybe the two weeks spending more time away from him helped…

    • Sofia Leo

      January 14, 2013 at 2:32 pm

      Spending two weeks working with a man who is “normal” was what did it – I had forgotten what it’s like to talk with a mature, sane man who didn’t try to twist my words or deliberately hurt me just to see me squirm. A man who can give orders, advice, encouragement and thanks for a job well done with no squicky (yes, that is a word!) feelings or backhanded bullshit. I felt like an equal, a valuable member of the company, and it’s been a long time since I was able to feel good about something like that.

      Of course, M thinks I’m sleeping with The Boss, or at least planning to, so I have to deal with that at home. I’m not allowed to have friends, you see – especially not if they have a penis. Men only want to get into my pants, dontcha know – I have absolutely nothing valuable or interesting to say, they just humor me so they can get their way – M is the only man who “respects” me and loves me the way I “deserve.”

      What a load of shit. The fact that I have several male readers here who are just appalled at M’s antics proves his lies. Thanks, guys! 🙂


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